Chapter 4-
"You believe that you are my father." Spike repeated to the English man sitting on his couch. "You do ya mean by believe?"
"Well I met your mother when I was a lad, living in England. She came from a good family and all signs pointed to us marrying. But I got called to Los Angeles to do some business. Your mother decided to come with me. You see, my dear boy, that in London it is inappropriate to have sex before you are married. But Los Angeles things were far more different. Your mother left me before I returned, forcing me to return home alone. She never told me about you." Spike sat there in silence. "I want to know all about you. How your life was and so forth. I heard you are in a rock and roll band."
Suddenly, blinding by the anger of Buffy and his mother, Spike snapped. "You want to know about my life. Well it was a bloody nightmare. I watched my mum get shot when I was eight and I have live on my own since. I had a job at record label and live in the apartment above, but all the women that would come in and get raped and killed was too much. I was put in a bloody adoption agency until I was eighteen when I moved to this bloody town. I was engaged to the only woman who ever cared about me, then hit big and got caught with a groupie. Now she's boning my best friend and I can't do piss about it because all I can do is sit and watch the shit hole that is my life." Spike yelled and ran out the door. Childhood frustration, anger, and torment all lead him back to Buffy's door.
When she answered the door, it was Spike. Thinking that she would never see him again, she just stood there shocked. He was fuming mad and a little more than hurt, and something about him was scaring her. She walked to the side and let him walk into the house, luck would have it that Tommy had left. Spike paced around her living room, muttering to himself. Buffy had only seen Spike act like that once before and that was when he found out that the drug dealer that had killed his mother was released from prison. "Spike?" Buffy said in a low but calming voice. The cool and heartless persona that she had before, the same on that she had learned from Spike, was gone when he showed up at the door. The sound of her voice brought him back to the real world, back to the world where he had nothing but a shell. Spike sat down on the couch and took three deep breaths. Buffy sat next to him. He seemed unable to talk, so Buffy said something else. "What happened?" She asked, hoping that her concern would fuel him to talk.
He went to speak, paused, and then began again. "My father." Spike said.
Buffy's eyes got wide and her heart skipped a beat. All Spike's life, all he has known was himself. It took a long time to break those walls down. "You found your father?"
"No, rather he found me." Spike said. There was still very little emotion in his voice.
"Is that a bad thing?"
"I dunno Buffy. Ya tell me. Every time I love someone, they leave me. I dunno if I'm ready to face that again."
"But Spike this may be your true shot a something real." Buffy said.
"You were my real shot at somethin' real." Spike said.
"Sp…"
"No. No arguin'. I'm not tellin' ya so that you can argue it. I love ya and there not doubtin' that. And ya were my one true shot at somethin' that was remotely real."
"Tommy and I are seeing each other now." Buffy said, rather bluntly. She knew that he'd want to know.
"I figured as much." Spike said. "That boy's had it for ya since he first saw ya." Spike smiled. "Somethin' else we have in common."
"Spike there's something that I need to tell you."
"Well then love, tell me."
"I will always love you."
"Really now?" Spike said turning. "And what makes ya tell me this?"
"I thought you should know. It isn't that I stopped loving you when I saw you with her, it was that I stopped trusting you."
"Right then love." Spike said. "Best be goin'. Got my dear ol' pops waitin' for me to explain the freak-out session."
"Bye Spike."
"Bye love." He said walking out. When he was out he said what he wanted to say. "I love you too and I always bloody will."
When Spike returned home, his father was still sitting there. "William." He said.
"Spike."
"Spike?"
"That's my name." Spike said. "I got it on the streets." Spike said.
Giles looked down at his feet. "I'm terribly sorry that your life has been this way."
"No big deal." Spike said. "I dealt with it and I'm still here."
"That shows that you are strong. Must take after your mother."
"Funny ol' world ain't it. She always used to tell me that I take after you."
After an uncomfortable silence, Giles said something. "I want to know more. About your life and your mother."
"Sure ya got the time?" Spike said.
'In my mind, I see your face, In my heart and in this place, without you by my side, all I'll ever do is hide. In this place I call my own, but no place is ever my home. My life's been rough but I deal, my heart's been broken but it will heal. But without I can't breath or barely even think, without you I couldn't live.'
Buffy turned the radio down and stared a little longer at the book in her hands. The band's new cd had just come out and Buffy knew that most of the songs had a whole lot to do with her. She was kind of touched, but it wasn't enough to make her forget. It didn't make the pain go away. It really never would. Nothing he could say would ever change the trust that he had taken away from her. She sat in her room, looking out her window and through his. Is that why he never cheated? She wondered. Was it because she could see through to his room? He was sitting on the bed, writing along with his guitar playing. She had seen Tommy go over there earlier and seeing that no sirens preceded his visit, she assumed they were working it out. After he had left, Spike had gone hard to work, perfecting the delicate balance between love and hate that was in his songs. Buffy watched him, hoping to see a glimpse of the naked Spike that she hadn't seen in so long. She knew every inch of his body… including all the scars that told of his past. She found herself crying, remembering what she had promised so long ago... After two months of dating, Spike finally got the nerve up to tell Buffy about his past. To tell her off all the people he had watched die, the several ones that died in his hand, and the few that died by his hand. He made her promise to always love him and to never hurt him. She said she would. But hadn't that been what she had done? Hadn't she hurt him? Seeing her throw that ring at him… she could see how hurt he was. And Faith said he stood for hours, until late into the night, hoping that she would show up. She had seen the look on his face when Tommy walked into the kitchen in just his underwear. Hadn't she broken the promise to the only person that she had ever truly loved? Her phone rang and she picked it up… seeing that the light in Spike's room was off. She said hold on, turned off her light and lit some candles. She let the aroma of the candles calm her down. She wanted no one to question her about the crying. She picked the phone back up. "Hello?"
"Why are you crying?"
To Buffy, for a moment at least, Spike's voice was normal… it felt right that he was calling her. "I never felt so alone." She said. She put her hand to her mouth and stared out at the black window that was his room. Her room was light with candles now, and she saw that he was lighting his. They had always found candles soothing, they use to love to lie in bed surround be candles, and talk.
"Why?" Spike asked her. Buffy said nothing. "Tell me."
"Nothing, I just feel…"
"Alone?" Spike said.
"Yes." Buffy said. They were quiet… they had much to say and so little courage to say it.
She invited me over for drinks and company. Was it a chance to get her to believe that he loved her? When he was with her there was always a chance. His mind flashed question of why she wanted him over, why she felt so alone although she was seeing Tommy. Till he realized that Tommy must still be with Faith. But somewhere deep inside, he knew. He knew that it wasn't Tommy that made her feel alone. And somewhere deep inside he could finally see that he didn't need to say or do anything to get her back. Fate would work it out. Or at least he hoped as he walked into her house.