Chapter 6-

'Have you ever had the feeling that everything you wanted in life was right in your grasp? Now, I ask you something else. Have you ever had it all slip away from you in one swift movement? But in your mind, it isn't one swift movement, it's in slow motion. It is said that people who have been in car crashes, especially if they killed someone or saw someone they loved get killed, that the crash replays in their mind frame by frame. It's like their mind is rewinding and watching each frame, just looking where the part is that it can say "you should have done this. It's would be all different if you had done this." It's like a guilt trip that you play with yourself and at the end of all it you can only come to one conclusion… It is your entire fault.

I believe that this kind of way of thinking, or your mind's way of guilt, is use for more then just what others see a tragedy. I believe that when everything you ever wanted goes out the window, your mind watches the slow motion movie again, and points out what you did wrong. And that's where guilt comes from. When someone tells you not to blame yourself, you try. But how can you when your mind wants you to believe that you are guilty. That is plays you the horrid pictures of everything that you did wrong, making you face the fact that you and you alone fucked up.

How else do you explain why I don't hate Spike? Why I don't want to rip his head off with my bare hands. Or better yet, how do you explain what I have been doing to myself. Willow had every right to be worried about me. The men, the drugs, the booze, it has all been about escape. It helps me not to think about Spike. But numbing that pain, I have come to find with his return, makes me nothing more than tired and upset. I was always one to keep it inside, now I just can't do it anymore.

My friends were always there for me. Willow was always the sane one, she thought rationally in the way that I couldn't do sometimes. Tara, Willow's girlfriend, was mostly quite and the other time she was insightful and helpful. Cordelia, although at first she wasn't my most favorite person, I came to love the brunette. She told what was on her mind and to her it didn't matter if that happened to hurt your feelings. She used to date Xander, which made so much sense seeing as he was now dating Anya. Anya was blunt and to the point, much like Cordelia. But Cordelia knew where to draw that line and Anya didn't. Angel, Cordelia's boyfriend and my ex, was the exact opposite of Spike. He was a normal guy, born to normal family, and about as dull of a boyfriend that you could imagine. But I am okay with that. I loved Angel; he was my first lay and my first love. And that would never change. Then there was Xander. He was Willow's best friend long before I came around, and Willow was the reason that Cordy and Xander broke up. Xander had always been what you would consider dorky, and to some he was what you would consider a failure. Had it not been for Spike coming here, starting that band, because it gave him some kind of purpose. Faith was just something that couldn't be described. And then Tommy, a rocker that was like a little kid trapped inside an adult body. All of my friends made this strange network of people. Some called us freaks, others called us losers. But we were so tight and close that it didn't matter. Even though we had exes and new lovers… we still functioned. But I couldn't do this thing anymore. Sure we were like one big family, but that family just wasn't strong enough to hold my pain. It is like a circle around me but the circle was about to be broken with the pain that I have been harboring. I have to leave… I can't take this anymore. I can't take the guilt anymore.'

It was the letter that brought tears to the girls eyes, and maybe a little to Tommy's eyes. But to Spike… but to Angel… but to Xander, they all knew. They had all been hurt before, felt what it was like to be alone. But this was something more painful then he had ever thought. She just wasn't alone, she was afraid. Afraid that everything was all her fault, and that she was the guilty party in this whole thing. Spike, although he didn't want her to blame him, was to blame. How she could ever blame herself was something he couldn't understand.

"You have to go find her." Willow said, with tears in her eyes.

Spike knew that she was speaking to him. He didn't want to answer. "I know where she is." They looked at him, waiting for him to explain. "She wrote me another note. Told me where she was."

"Why would she tell you?" Cordy said. "You screwed her over.

"Buffy and I had something that transcends what happened between us. She knew that if she didn't tell me where she was… I would just come and find her. She gave me another letter, someway to get in contact with her and the city and the address I can visit her when I pass by on tour." Everyone in the room had gotten quiet by what he was saying to them. The thought through everyone's mind was 'why not them'. Spike felt bad, he really did. But he loved Buffy and somewhere deep inside she loved him too. He knew that he wouldn't call her or visit her, but the fact that she gave him that option was enough. But they all missed her… and no one could do anything about it.

A/N: Hey guys. It's a short chapter and it's been a long time since I have updated. I'm gonna work my ass off to get all caught up with this stuff. So here's this chapter and I'm about to go work on the others.