Chapter 24

I indicated right, moved out from the slip-road and onto the motorway, my foot furiously slamming the accelerator. I switched into fifth gear, my hands clenching the steering wheel, my knuckles white. The music from the radio was blaring out some eighties rock song my brother would have liked. I turned it off. I couldn't think with it ringing in my ears. I needed silence. I needed to be able to think. I crossed into the fast lane, overtaking about three cars at a time, practically forgetting to check my mirrors. Some idiot in a Merc gave me the finger. I shrugged it off, but glanced at the speedometer, realising I was breaking the speed limit. Not something I usually try to do. I slowed down, exhaling as I did so, desperately trying to focus my mind on my driving. But my mind was elsewhere. I glanced over at the thick brown envelope lying on the passenger seat, and, for the umpteenth time felt a lump raise in my throat. The envelope contained a court martial order, a summons to a military court. My mouth became dry and my hands sweaty. I felt physically sick. I was dreading what lay ahead.

But nothing shook me so much as the moment when I realised what I'd done. It was something I would remember forever. The swelteringly hot day. The successful sweep and clear of the Iraqi village. And, of course, my disobedience and foolishness in thinking I could take down a whole troop of enemy armours vehicles. I could still hear the shouts of protests from my soldiers and the orders from the captain, echoing round and round in my head. I could still hear the sound of my own voice. It was something I would never forget.

"Fire when ready!"

I heard again the sound of gunshots and firearms being set off. Bang! BamBamBam! The shots from the tanks of my own men, never from the enemy. A mortar, launched into the distance, exploding above their heads.

I saw the two sections who had been assaulting on foot doubling back towards us. I head Sergeant Mill's voice in my radio, yelling and cursing, now resonating in my head.

"What the 'ell are you playing at, sir? You wanna get your backsides outta here! Don't hang around any more!"

I had ignored him. I was his commander, after all. He had no right to tell me what to do. I was the boss. And my moment of glory, so I believed, was almost mine. God, now how I wish I'd listened to him. If I'd listened, none of this would have happened. Sure, I would have been disciplined. I might even have been stripped of my officer status and sent back to basic training. My name would become a shameful joke, a name to be pitied. But any of that seemed like a blessing compared to what I faces now.

A pitter-patter on my windscreen. It was starting to rain. Huge, dark clouds were forming in the sky, reminding me of the huge clouds of dust stirred up by the tanks. I couldn't help but remember. The final moment. The one which was to define the rest of my life.

I'd let off another mortar. It had disabled one of the enemy tanks. They decreased their speed, and for a moment. I punched the air in triumph, assuming they were retreating.

But then…the gas. The grenade they threw. The first weapon they had launched at us, and I knew immediately it would be their last. They would only need to throw one to take us all down. Don't ask me how I knew what it was, about to be released from that little can of smoking arsenal. I just knew. And I could only watch in horror as it flew through the air like a fallen angel, coming to rest just ten meters in front of us. Right in the middle of the crowd of foot soldiers.

I've felt pain. I've known what it's like to be burnt, bruised and broken. I know what it's like when you can't breath. When you run forty laps up and down a hill and collapsed in a gasping, vomiting heap. What it's like to feel when you think you might be dying. But hell, I couldn't even begin to imagine what those guys on foot where going through now. I won't describe what I saw. I don't want those memories to haunt your dreams like they do mine. I thought my mind might try to block them out, or repress them, or whatever, and all I'd remember was crouching back into the vehicle, shutting the door above me, turning my armoured car round and racing back to camp whilst furiously yelling out orders to which no one would take any notice. But of course, my mind didn't offer me that luxury. If anything, it made my memories clearer and more torturous every time I remembered them.

I snapped my mind back to my driving. My junction was coming up. Once again, the brown envelope caught my eye. On it's own, it didn't look like much. But it gave a man the power to decide my fate. My punishment for the severe act of gross misconduct within a military situation. I don't know how they thought some judge could decide what I deserved. Only God could to that now. I reflected on all the things that had happened to me since returning to England. The shame of facing my family. My girlfriend Elena staring at me, pity in her eyes, as she told me never to talk to her again. And the physical feeling of sickness when I'd come face to face with the few survivors of my platoon. I'd been kicked out of the army, of course. Immediate dismissal. But I wouldn't have wanted it any other way. I regretted what I'd done more than anything I'd ever regretted before, or would again. And I knew this should how it would be for the rest of my days.

My junction came up, and I sped up, putting my foot down for a last minute overtake. A thought that had been brewing unconsciously in my mind at last began to reveal itself. Instead of slowing down as my junction came up, I kept my foot fully down on the acceleration. I watched as the little needle of the speedometer rose. Seventy miles an hour. Eighty. Ninety-five. One hundred and ten. One-twenty. I closed my eyes and took my hands from the steering wheel, placing my palms together. I took a deep breath and spoke the Lord's Prayer, followed by the names of the people I loved and was to leave. My family. My I felt the motorway bend sharply, but my car stayed travelling in a straight line.

I waiting for what seemed like an eternity.

And then…my life changed forever.