Bleu Soliloqui 10

Fair warning, Slash, A/U versions of some of our rangers. Rated R for language and sexiness all around.

quick hi to Bruce for emailing about the status of this fic. It's good to know peeps are on the lookout for new chapters.

Second time thanks to Cobalt Blue for the inspiration for continuing, very evil fucking grin

NOTE: this chapter focuses mostly on Billy and Jason, as well as how not to deal with your problems. I know that some of you may think it's too out of character, but it's a way to drive the plot and make the characters more believable as people.

Billy and Jason arrived at the restaurant that Jason had suggested in Stone Canyon. He wanted time alone with Billy, maybe he could pull whatever was still gnawing at his soul out of his lover. Billy perused the menu, smiling to himself in a way that would have shamed a Cheshire cat. Jason caught his self satisfied smile, and queried him on it.

"Ok, what are you grinning about Cranston? You look like the proverbial cat that ate the canary." Jason asked as he put his menu down to give Billy his full attention. Billy continued to smile as he put his menu down on the table.

"No reason. I'm feeling happy for one… I thought the feeling was gone for good after the last couple of weeks. Secondly, I'm with you and getting to enjoy just being with you. I've been depressed, angry and hurt since dad betrayed us and getting to be with you is making me feel a little better."

Billy glanced up as the waiter came over, took their orders and menus while he stared at the water in his glass. He had the feeling that Jason wanted him to talk about how he was feeling, and what he wanted but he couldn't do that just yet. He wanted to savor the moment then and there, and worry about his familial issues later, much later.

Jason sat there, unsure about broaching the sore subject of Billy's family with him while Billy seemed content with just sitting quietly there with him. Jason decided to go for broke…after all what would Billy do if he did get pissed off? After a moment of deliberation, Jason decided to go for it.

"Um, Billy do you need or want to talk about what's going on with you? I'm worried about you and how you're coping with everything." Jason sat there as he watched the emotions play out on Billy's face… going from confused to being annoyed to nothingness. His expression was impossible to read, he now emitted a coolness that couldn't be mistaken for anything but Billy shutting down his emotional side to avoid being hurt.

"Billy? Please don't shut me out. I asked only out of concern and love for you." Jason kicked himself a few times mentally for what he had done. He knew that Billy didn't deal well with emotional issues, and asking him outright was never a good idea.

Billy merely sat there, toyed with his water glass and remained silent. The silence continued until they paid the bill and went to the car. Jason finally had had enough of the wall that had crept up during dinner.

"Dammit Billy! Can't you understand I only asked to help you? I'm not out to hurt you or judge you? After what happened between us how can you just shut down and close me out like this?" Jason thwacked the steering wheel in frustration as Billy merely glanced at him before finally speaking.

"Jason, all I wanted to do was enjoy an evening out with you. I didn't want to discuss my family, the extra rangers or anything other than us. For once in the last two weeks all I wanted was to spend time with you because I could…not have it turn into an impromptu therapy session. I'd like to go back to the cabin and be alone for awhile, please."

Jason didn't say another word; he merely started the car and dropped Billy off as requested. When he tried to hug Billy all he got was a stiff, forced embrace in return. Billy left him to return to his room and sulk, while Jason headed back home with thoughts of self recrimination running through his head.

Billy entered the cabin; found no one really about and headed to his room… he flopped on the bed, all he wanted was a night out, a nice night with Jason. Apparently that was to be denied him as well. He never had a normal childhood or adolescence. How hard was it to ask for one night of normalcy in his warped life?

He laid there for a couple of hours stewing until he remembered the old cabin on the outskirts of the resort. No one used it besides the family. His uncle had shown him how to distill grain alcohol for a school project once, and if he remembered correctly, the still was out in that cabin. Billy hopped up, threw on a jacket and headed out to the cabin, with thoughts of drowning his sorrow into the ground. Billy trekked out to find the cabin dark and neglected.

Ironic to find it in such disrepair, it fits how I feel perfectly right now. Billy thought as he pried the door open and went in. Fortunately, the electricity still worked, and once his eyes adjusted to the sudden light he found the still as it was left. Covered in dust, and left to fade into memory by his uncle.

"I wonder if there's anything here." Billy wondered as he wandered around the small cabin, and mentally berated himself for even entertaining the idea of getting wasted. Then again, it wasn't like anyone cared anyway… after a couple more visual sweeps he found the last of the bottles his uncle had made on a shelf in the back. He grabbed two and headed back to his room, still fighting over whether or not to actually crack one open and let himself slip into oblivion and forget all that had transpired in the last couple of weeks.

Billy managed to make it to his room without running into his aunt or uncle, once he was alone, he closed the door to his room, got out some ice and a cup and looked at the bottles as if they were going to reach up and slap him for being so weak and foolish.

While Billy contemplated sealing his fall from grace, Jason was back at home kicking himself for being so insensitive to Billy earlier. His mom was surprised and a little worried to find him home so soon after having left with Billy the night before. She expected him home later in the evening or possibly after school the next night. From the way Jason looked, something had to have gone wrong.

"Jason, what's wrong son? You look like you lost your best friend." Helen said as she sat down and slipped him a mug of tea. Jason sighed, took the proffered mug and smiled at his mother.

"Not quite mom. Billy and I had a slight misunderstanding. I tried to get him to talk about what's eating him and he clammed up on me. I know he can be stubborn, but I think I asked too soon. He looked hurt and angry when he finally spoke again."

"You know he's got a lot to deal with right now. How long have you two been friends?"

"Since we were eight years old, why?" Jason queried as he gave his mother a long look about her sudden questioning.

"And how long did it take you to figure out that Billy doesn't deal well with emotional issues?"

"I figured that out soon, probably by the time we were in junior high. Again, why do you ask mom?"

"I have a point; I'm getting there now calm down. You know what he dealt with when his mother died, and I know he loves you like a brother Jase. Once he's able to come to you, to say what's on his mind; he will. He trusts you like no one else, believe me I know it. You are the only one he trusted enough to come to when he couldn't deal with his loss and his pain, and the only one he trusted when things got so bad he wanted to end it all. You remember that?"

Jason swallowed hard, he would never forget that night… when Billy called him in tears, and asked him to come over. The way he found Billy, ready to end it, ready to just give up and stop his pain would always haunt Jason Lee Scott. "Yeah, I'll never forget it mom. I just think he's on that path again, trying to hold it in and eventually he's gonna snap. I think I'll call him and see if he'll accept my apology. Thanks" Jason kissed his mother on the cheek and went up to his room to call Billy.

Billy however was in no condition to talk to anyone. He had succumbed to wanting the pain to stop. He had opened a bottle, sat there staring at it as if it were a black hole into which he would never return if he took that first sip.

Finally he gave in to the calling of the bottle…to the promise of a painless state of being. He was currently laying on the floor with a cup in one hand and the bottle within reach. Billy wasn't focusing on anything, it was dark and he had taken out his contacts prior to his trip to the shed. Truth be told he couldn't really see much of anything, at least nothing he wanted to see. If anyone had come in, they would have sworn he was dead or close to it. He was breathing so slowly, it looked as if he had passed out cold on the floor.

Actually he was thinking, thinking about everything that had happened to him in the last couple of weeks. How he had been betrayed by his father, and the rest of his family that had let him and Alex believe the lie of being cousins, just really close cousins. How the three rangers from an alternate reality had dropped in on their reality bringing a psychotic version of himself as a Green Ranger into the mix. No, scratch that… William was now the Black Ninjetti Ranger. Then there was figuring out his attraction to Jason.

Billy lay there, despite the ringing in his ears; what he thought was the ringing in his ears. It was the telephone that was just out of his reach. He looked up at it and decided why the hell not, after all if it was his father, his current state of being would make for an interesting conversation.

He crawled over and grabbed it on the last ring. "Who is it?"

Jason almost dropped the receiver on his end, as the person on the other end sounded so unlike Billy it freaked him out a bit. "Can I speak with Billy please?"

"This is him, what do you want Jason? I thought I told you to leave me alone." Billy had gotten into a sitting position with the phone in hand and the bottle in the other. "Can't you just do the one thing I've asked you to do Jase, I don't need this now."

"Billy, what's wrong with you? Why do you sound so out of it?" Jason wondered if he was really ok, if he didn't know better he would have sworn Billy sounded drunk.

"What's wrong? Are you of all people asking me what's wrong? That's funny…you know what's wrong with me. I'm having a collapse right now, because of all that's happened. What do you want from me?" Billy put the phone down for a second to drain the last of the bottle and let it roll away from him. He then picked up the receiver to continue his end of the conversation.

"Bill, what the hell is up with you? If you don't start sounding normal, I'm coming back up there now. You sound drunk to me." Jason was afraid that Billy had sunk to drinking himself into a hole that would be really hard to climb back out of.

"Maybe I am, so what? It's not like anyone gives a damn anymore Jase. You were more concerned with playing therapist than being my friend, boyfriend or whatever the hell you want to call it tonight. William is trying to be my conscience when he can't even control his own emotions and Aisha thinks I'm an asshole I'm sure. So why not get plastered, it'll save me a couple steps leading to the loony bin. That's probably my next stop ya know." Billy stopped his rant, and started to giggle uncontrollably. That was the final straw for Jason. He hung up and left a note for his mother that he was heading back to the cabin. He'd be back after he figured out what was wrong with Billy. Figuring he would worry about getting in trouble for teleporting later, he hit the stud on his communicator to the resort where Billy was holed up. He signed in after startling Billy's uncle with his sudden appearance.

"Hi, I'm sorry to just show up but I'm worried about Bill. May I go to his room?"

"Sure, do you know where it is?" His uncle pointed down the hall as he still wondered why he didn't hear a car pull up and how he had gotten to Angel Grove and back so quickly.

"Thanks, I'll be leaving in the morning probably. I'll get you if he is in trouble. He sounded really weird on the phone, so I raced back here. Thanks again."

"Sure, no problem. Let me know if you need help." Jase nodded and dashed off to the room. Fortunately he hadn't locked it and he found Billy there staring at the phone with an expression that wasn't quite rage but it definitely wasn't happy either.

"William Cranston, what the hell is wrong with you?" Jason said after he had shut and locked the door. Billy was definitely wasted, and it seemed like he was a mean drunk. The look on his face was not friendly and for a split second Jason regretted coming to the cabin. In the next he dodged a cordless handset being thrown at him.

"Jase, why did you come here? Why the fuck are you here? It's not like you really care or anyone else does for that matter. Can't you just leave me here, to suffer like everyone else does eventually?" Billy's voice was a low growl, made rough by drunkenness and anger that finally was coming out thanks to his binge.

Jason was doing his level best to keep his cool. Getting angry with a drunken person was never a good idea. He couldn't help but be saddened at the turn of events in the few hours that had passed since he and Billy had spent a slow afternoon making love in the same bed Billy was now trying to get off of and to his feet. Billy managed to get to his feet, only to slide to the floor in moments.

Jason considered going to him, but instead decided to wait until he saw what Billy's next actions were going to be. Billy sat there for a moment, until he realized that grain alcohol was not a good idea without much food in his system. With a surprising amount of energy he made a beeline for the bathroom, shut the door and began to pay homage to the porcelain deity. Jason waited patiently until he heard the flush and pained moan from the bathroom.

He sat on the bed and waited for the door to open… it finally did and a very sick and shameful looking Billy came out and promptly slid down to the floor, unable to look at Jason. Considering how badly he felt physically and emotionally it was surprising he could even think at the moment. Jason spared him having to do much besides sit still and listen.

"Billy…considering how bad you look and probably feel I'll keep it brief and to the point. Precisely what gave you the idea that drinking yourself into oblivion would be a good way to deal with what's going on? Be glad you're a ranger otherwise you'd be in the ER now."

The only answer was a groan from the floor where Billy had managed to curl into a fetal position and was unable to do much of anything besides moan in pain. Places he didn't know existed hurt him at the moment. He felt like the room was spinning at high speed and he was strapped in for the duration. He was certainly in no condition to argue and if he had the urge to puke again, he'd be screwed.

Jason was about to continue his tirade when he noticed Billy trying to get up. "Billy? Can you even hear me?" He went over to Billy and turned him over. "Damn, I can't yell at you while you're like this."

Jason helped him off the floor and tried to get him at least sitting up. Billy was trying to get back to the bathroom; fortunately Jason figured that out in time to get Billy back to his retching. After what seemed like forever the bathroom door slid open and Billy was sprawled on his back, breathing hard and near tears. Jason looked in and debated on how to proceed. Finally he picked Billy up and got him to the bed.

While Jason got a cold towel for him, Billy did his best to crawl into the covers and hide from the rant he just knew was coming from Jason. Jason came back to find Billy under the covers. He sighed and pulled them off, to offer the cold cloth to ease his nausea.

Billy took it with a muttered thank you as he waited for the tirade to begin. When Jason said nothing, he finally looked up at his friend unable to even begin to apologize.

"Well, I came here ready to read you the riot act and to give you a good talking to but I think you've suffered enough for now. You look too miserable for me to yell at you now. I will though once you're able to listen without the room spinning. Now, lets get you showered and to sleep. We'll talk in the morning."

Billy nodded gratefully as he allowed Jason to help him to shower and get into something clean then he stretched out on the bed, staring at the ceiling while Jason crawled into bed with him and turned out the lights. When it seemed the Billy was going to lay there without saying a word Jason sat up and looked at his lover. Billy met his gaze and without warning broke into a sobbing fit that startled Jason. Billy's desperate sounding cries wounded Jason to the core, and he wrapped his arms around Billy until the fit passed.

Finally, the cries stopped as the tense body in Jason's arms went limp after a while. Billy hadn't cried himself out but was lying there, wrapped tight in Jason's embrace. After some time, Jason heard a muffled "I'm so sorry" from Billy.

He turned on his side to face Billy and to hear him… whatever was on his mind was going to finally come out. He hated that it too a drinking binge to get him to come clean. "Billy, you're tired and not yourself now. We can talk after you've had a chance to sleep."

Billy negated that with a small shake of his head. "No, I need to talk now. If you don't want to hear me, I'll keep quiet Jason."

Jason sighed, he didn't want Billy to clam up… but he didn't want him to have a serious discussion several shades shy of sober either. "No, I just want you to be sober when we talk. But if you need me to listen I'll listen to you. Go ahead, please."

Billy shifted to his side so he could look at Jason while he spoke. "Well, I need to apologize for tonight. I was being an immature brat with you. I let my frustration at the current situation over rule my common sense and courtesy. I just wanted a night with you, a date just us. After the wonderful time we had, I only wanted to be with you Jase. I didn't want to think about my father, Alex or the other Rangers. I didn't want to think about the abyss I'm falling deeper and deeper into.

I'm seriously depressed, obviously since I took to the bottle for absolution instead of calling you. I want the pain to stop Jase; I just want it to stop. I feel like I did when mom died. Like I only wanted the pain to end, and then if it meant taking my life I was willing. Now, it means crawling into my own little hole and forgetting about everyone else. I figured the fastest way was to get tanked.

I know I've disappointed you with my behavior tonight, please forgive me. Not right now but eventually. Just please tell me I haven't ruined things between us." Billy sounded so lost and afraid Jason merely held him as he thought about what to say in response.

"Bill, you haven't lost me. Yes, you have disappointed me greatly tonight, but I can't be angry at you just now maybe later. You need help and I would like for you to get it. No one is saying therapy, but you need to do something about what's going on. Not just in your head either. You can't keep ignoring the situation Bill."

Billy sighed and stretched out. He knew Jason was telling the truth about what he needed to do. He just didn't know if he had it in him to cope with all his problems. "Fine, I'll call dad and ask to talk. Maybe that will be my first step. Jason, I…I'm sorry. I know I've said it several times, but I am honestly so sorry for what I did. All I ask is that you help me the next time, and drag me to my feet if I'm stubborn."

Jason gave Billy a long look, as he wasn't sure where Billy was going with his line of logic, but he wasn't going to leave him hanging in the wind after asking for help the next time he felt the need to succumb to the pain.

"Very well, but you have to promise me something. I want your word William Cranston. An oath sworn to me that you will not touch another drop of liquor until you turn twenty one. If I even think you've been drinking I will make you sorry. Do I have your word?"

Billy stared at him with wide eyes, a little frightened at the intensity of Jason's gaze as he held Billy's face in his hands. After a moment of mental deliberating, he gave Jason his word.

"Jason Lee Scott, I give you my word on our bond as friends and lovers that I will not have another drink until after I am at least twenty one years old. I swear it on my mother's grave." Billy lay there, mesmerized by the deep pools that held him in thrall. He couldn't have moved even if he wanted to escape the intense fire in his lover's gaze. Finally Jason let go and sighed. He was really exasperated with Billy at the moment, but he couldn't ignore the fact that Billy had reached out, albeit after the fact of getting shit faced on moonshine.

"You drive me mad sometimes Billy. Since we're talking, I'll give you your tongue lashing and be done with it." Jason checked the small grin that Billy couldn't conceal at his choice of words.

"Don't get any ideas Cranston, at least not yet." Billy only smiled as he gave Jason his undivided attention. "Like I was saying… you drive me mad with your ability to hide your feelings, and to make things your fault. We have been friends since the age of eight. I would like to think you feel secure enough in our friendship, romance aside to come to me instead of turning to the bottle. It hurt me that you chose that, and terrified me as well.

You told me of your families' history, and how you were afraid your father was becoming an alcoholic after your mother's death. I don't know how or if I could cope with you adding yet another problem to the mix; one that could cost you dearly. I love you as my friend, now as my lover and I want you around for the duration. Do you understand how worried I was when you answered?

If you weren't a ranger you would more than likely be in a coma Billy. The Patented Ranger Healing Factor can only do so much for you. You should consider yourself lucky you didn't go into shock or have to be put into detox. Never scare me like that again, do you understand me Billy?" Jason's gaze had become intense again as he spoke, so intense that Billy finally understood what kind of night he had put Jason through.

He snuggled up to Jason and spoke quietly. "Again, I'm sorry for what I did. I wasn't being considerate of you at all. I was selfish. Please forgive me, and yes I do understand now what I did to you. All I can do is swear to you that I'll do my best to come to you the next time I need help. Understand that I am merely human and am liable to fail as well.

I fully allowed my pain and self pity to swallow me whole and what you see before you is what's left. I ask you to forgive me eventually." Billy looked at Jason eagerly, as he hoped he was forgiven at least for the evening.

Jason looked down at Billy and smiled slightly. He figured Billy was doing his best and that's all he could ask for after all. "That's good enough for now Bill. I love you, but you are incorrigible sometimes." Jason planted a soft kiss on Billy's forehead, and cradled him close to his chest.

Billy smiled, and kissed Jason back and turned with his back to his lover so he could be held. "Jase, I love you and thank you for being here now." Billy said it so quietly, Jason had to lean over to hear him.

"Love you too, and you're welcome." Jason kissed Billy on the back of his neck, eliciting a small giggle from him. "Don't tell me, you're ticklish." Jason said with the most devilish gleam in his eyes, which Billy couldn't see fortunately.

Billy cringed slightly, he normally hated being tickled and he could tell from the tone of Jason's voice he was in for a long night. "Yes, certain spots are quite ticklish Jase. The back of my neck being one of the more responsive areas."

Jason smiled and filed the information away for later. He was getting tired and he figured after the rough night Billy had just had, he'd leave well enough alone. "Relax, I'm not going to tickle you now. Let's sleep, but I am keeping that information in my mind for later Bill. Good night."

"Night."

Jason and Billy fell asleep entwined in each other's arms, glad that they were safe and sound. At least until Billy finally sits down and talks with his father…

Ok, I know it's been forever since I updated but that darn thing called real life got in the way for a while. Tell me what you think and yes, now that I'm on a slower schedule I can get some writing done again. Send feedback, constructive criticism is always welcome.