Chapter Nine

Michaela had dried her tears hours ago, but Sully knew she'd been crying. He could see it in her eyes, the way her mouth quivered every time a distant look came upon her face and the way her hands wrung around one another when they weren't being kept busy by little Katie. She was a wreck on the inside, and he knew she was thinking about the baby they'd lost. He knew that she was trying so hard to have a good time on their first day in Colorado Springs, but pretending wasn't the best way to go about it.

It was late, and most of the folks in town had gone home. Jake had stuck around long enough to make a brief assumption of what Michaela Quinn-Sully was really like. He quickly assumed that though she seemed nice enough, any woman strong enough to tame the heart of a "wild man" and fight for her freedom to be a doctor was tough as nails. So, he'd gone to the saloon to have drinks with Hank, and though Loren had stuck around with Abagail and Martin, he'd gone to play a few rounds of poker. Grace and Robert E. had brought dinner, and Michaela and Sully had invited as many people as they could to share the evening with them. Myra, Horace, Albert and Lydia had accepted too, and they'd all sat around having a decent conversation, though Sully had the feeling that Horace was more interested in conversing with Myra.

Michaela hadn't had much of an appetite, and the only one who noticed it had been Sully. He'd kept his eye on her most of the night. She'd smiled, laughed, and she had made quite an impression on the folks in that town. Sully knew she was sad though, but little Katie always made her smile, and when she looked into his eyes, her face brightened. He was happy that he could make her feel better, but that didn't stop him from worrying.

"Sully," Albert said, closing the door after the last guest had left, "we ran into Cloud Dancing this afternoon." Sully looked up with surprise.

"In town?" Albert and Lydia looked at one another sheepishly.

"Actually, no. Out at the new homestead." Sully raised an eyebrow.

"What were ya doin' out there?" Albert cleared his throat and settled back down at the table.

"It was going to be a surprise, but I suppose there's no need for that now." Sully shifted in his chair and waited for Albert to continue. "Well, a lot things for the house came in this week, and we took them out there. Well, you left a list of things you still had left to do: some sanding, a few boards to put in place and a few things in the barn…"

"Albert? What are ya sayin'?"

"Well," Albert hesitated, "we…we did those things, and we took the stuff to the house." Sully sighed.

"I'm grateful, Albert, but I wish ya woulda waited for me. I wanted to…"

"You built the house, Sully. We wanted to do something for you. We were grateful for you bringing us along with you and Michaela, and we went to clean up, and I thought it might be nice if you didn't have to do much when you came back. You'd been in the hospital and in a coma for goodness sakes." Sully chuckled a little and shook his head. He glanced over at Michaela, who was completely consumed with Katie, feeding her from a bottle she'd purchased from a store in Denver.

"Please don't be too upset with him," Lydia said softly, "it wasn't just his idea. Many of the men in town helped out. I would have too, but Albert insisted that I rest." Albert took her hand and gave it a gentle squeeze.

"I'm not. I just wish I coulda been here."

"You couldn't help it. We wanted to do something nice for you, so we did."

"I don't know what to say."

"Just say 'thank you,'" Albert laughed. Sully nodded and chuckled.

"Thanks. I appreciate it."

"Don't mention it," Albert replied. This elicited laughter throughout the room, and Michaela looked up, only becoming coherent to the conversation after such a thunderous laughter. She pretended that she'd heard whatever had been said, and she smiled as Albert and Lydia said goodnight. Sully watched Albert and Lydia retreat up the stairs to their room, and she shut the door. He turned toward Michaela and moved across the room. She looked up, her happy façade quickly disappearing, as she put Katie's bottle aside.

"Katie's sleepin'," Sully whispered. "I'll take her up to bed."

"No, I can do it," Michaela said, starting to stand.

"Take it easy," Sully said softly. "It's been a rough day."

"I'm not going to break, Sully."

"Please?"

"You should be resting too."

"I feel just fine. 'Sides, I think it's 'bout time for us to turn in too. We've got lots to do tomorrow. I wanna show ya the homestead, I want ya to meet Cloud Dancin', and I want ya to meet Wolf. Maybe I'll take ya to Willow Creek for a picnic." Michaela smiled for a moment. "Or is that too much?"

"Sully, I don't know why you're so worried about me. Honestly, I feel fine. You're the one I'm worried about." Sully bent down and pressed a kiss to her lips.

"I'll be right back." He carried Katie upstairs to put her down for the night. Michaela stood, wringing her fists on her skirt. She paced about, blowing out the candles and dimming the lanterns so she could have a little light when Sully returned. She moved toward her desk and settled down in her chair. She closed her eyes, feeling a wave of nausea passing over her. She shook her head. She wasn't sure why she was feeling this way. Perhaps her soul hadn't yet purged the child she had been carrying. Perhaps she was in an adjustment period. She'd never gone through this before.

She was so lost in thought that she jumped and spun around when she felt Sully's hands on her shoulders.

"Michaela? What's wrong?"

"I'm just…tired," she said, looking away. Sully tilted her chin and made her look at him.

"That might be true, but that ain't what's wrong. Maybe I ought to get ya back to Denver and have Dr. Bernard examine ya again. Maybe there was a complication…"

"A complication?" Michaela asked. "I would say so, Sully! We lost our baby." Sully looked down.

"I didn't mean it to sound…" He took a deep breath and took his wife's hands in his. "What happened was somethin' neither one of us are gonna forget, but if you're still feelin' poorly after a week, maybe ya need to see a doctor again."

"I'll be fine, Sully. I don't think every part of me has fully accepted the loss yet." The tears were ebbing again, and Michaela didn't want them to spill over, but it was too late. Sully cupped her cheek in his hand and brushed the tears away. "I'm sorry, Sully. I'm sorry I lost our baby."

"C'mere," he whispered, pulling her into his arms. She practically collapsed against him, holding him tightly for dear life. "How many times do I gotta tell ya that nobody blames ya for this?"

"I do," she replied. Sully kissed the top of her head.

"Stop doin' that, Michaela. You of all people gotta know it wasn't your fault. As a doctor, ya gotta know it."

"As a doctor, I know the truth, but as a mother…" She shook her head and sighed heavily. "A part of me is always going to blame myself."

"I know," he breathed. "But, things are gonna heal in time. There'll be scars, but those are just reminders of the past. We'll move on, Michaela. We gotta do it for ourselves, for each other, for Katie…and for the baby we lost." Michaela pulled back a little.

"Yes, I know, but Sully…"

"But what?"

"What if…what if it happens again? What if we can't have children?" Sully creased his brow.

"What makes ya say that?"

"It's been known to happen. Some women can't…carry to full term."

"That ain't gonna happen to us."

"But, Sully.."

"No buts, Michaela," he said certainly. "We can do anything as long as we put our minds to it." Michaela nodded.

"I believe that," she breathed, "but I'm not sure if I should accept it, just in case." She swallowed hard. "It's getting late."

"It is," Sully replied quietly. "We ain't gonna solve this all in one night. We're gonna take it a step at a time. Day by day, month by month…the pain's probably still gonna be there, but it's gonna get easier." Michaela smiled a little.

"Yes," she breathed. "I'm lucky to have you, Sully. I'm not sure what I would have done if you hadn't been awake…"

"Ya woulda gotten through it, but I never woulda been able to forgive myself."

"It's nothing you could have prevented," Michaela replied. Sully placed his hands on Michaela's waist.

"And that's what I've been tellin' ya about the miscarriage."

"I could have…" He shushed her with a simple kiss.

"No use to wonder what we could've done. That's the past. We gotta look forward now." He moved toward the door and held out his hand. "Ya ready to start?" Michaela swallowed hard and placed her hand on her still-nauseated stomach.

"I can try," she whispered. Sully smiled as her hand fit into his, and they walked upstairs to sleep away their first night in Colorado Springs together.

Lydia stood in front of a wall mirror and twisted her long black hair into a single braid. Albert had long-since thrown his clothes over a rocking chair and crawled under the covers. But, he wasn't sleeping. His eyes were fixed on the ceiling, and his entire form looked tense. Lydia watched him; studied him as she put her hair into a braid.

"I can turn the lamps down if they're keeping you awake," she said, feeling a swift kick from her child. "I have a feeling I'll be up for a while, so I might sit out on the balcony."

"No, I'm fine," Albert said quietly, sitting up in bed and resting his back against the headboard. "I'm just thinking." She tied the bottom of her braid and turned toward the bed, rubbing her stomach through her gown.

"What about?" She climbed into bed beside him, pushing the covers away. It was too warm for those. Albert looked at her for a moment, noticing the way her eyes searched his as his searched hers. They tended to do that a lot, and they would spend countless minutes without words, wondering what to make of the other person's thoughts.

Her lips curled into a smile, and she settled down against the headboard with him.

"I bet I can guess." Albert smiled a little and reached over to rub her belly.

"Can you?" She nodded.

"I bet you're thinking about how wonderful Colorado Springs is and how happy you feel that we're here together. Our family is right here in this bed, and nothing and nobody is going to harm us." Albert swallowed the guilty lump in his throat. He couldn't break her heart right now.

"You read my mind," he whispered, giving her a sweet kiss. "Let's get some sleep." Lydia laughed.

"Ha! Sleep? I don't think this little one realizes that people sleep at night. I swear, he sleeps all day and is up all night.."

"Just try to rest," Albert said with a grin. "Before you know it, he'll be screaming for attention at all hours of the night. I suppose we should enjoy the quiet while it's here." They scooted down into the bed, and Lydia propped her head up on two pillows. It was uncomfortable, but any position was these days. Albert watched as she adjusted, and he lost the nerve to tell her about his past. He couldn't hurt her. He loved her too much to ever want to intentionally hurt or upset her, but she deserved to know. He would tell her soon. Right now, he was going to hold his wife and go to sleep and dream about the future, not the past.

Julianna stepped out onto the sidewalk, grateful for some fresh air from the stuffy hotel room she had been staying in. She had her novel in one hand and a dried up pen in the other. She had been writing furiously since she had arrived in Topeka, her muse screaming at her after seeing the stranger from the train again.

She looked up at the sky, and it was clouding over. She sighed. So much for getting some fresh air. Perhaps it was for the best, anyway, because it was dark. But, Julianna loved taking strolls in the dark. It was a time of day when the world stopped moving for just a few minutes. Her part of the world was mostly asleep, and she was free to see the world for what it truly was in its darkness. Of course, she knew it wasn't the healthiest view to have, but it was her view, and she used that darkness as a back theme in her novel. A few years ago, her novels had been happy and romantic. She knew better than to believe that love-at-first-sight nonsense, because it never worked. Well, maybe it worked for some people, but not for Julianna Garavaldi.

A young boy of about twelve ran by, almost knocking her off of her feet. She dropped her journal and pen, and he ran by laughing.

"Sorry!" he smirked as another boy quickly followed in hot pursuit. Julianna sighed and scooped down to pick them up, but two strong hands reached the items before she could. He straightened up, and she looked up to see the strange man from the train, the one she'd become so fascinated with.

"Hi," she said quietly, standing up straight and smoothing out her skirt. David tensed up a little, and he quickly handed her the items he'd picked up. "Thank you." David nodded. "You disappeared so quickly earlier. I wondered if you were even real." She laughed a little and felt like a fool.

"I had something to take care of," he said blankly, his uncovered eye still and glassy.

"Oh. Well, thanks again." He simply nodded and started to walk away. "Wait!" He didn't stop, but he seemed to walk faster. She sighed heavily. "Won't you even tell me your name?" David stopped, thought for a moment, and his entire stature seemed to change. It seemed as if some kind of darkness had lifted from his shoulders. He turned loosely. It was as if he'd woken from a deep trance.

"Andrew Strauss," he replied. Something about him was different. He look in his good eye wasn't dark anymore. It was friendly and charming, and that worried her. She stepped closer in the night.

"It's nice to meet you, Mr. Strauss," she said, extending her hand. "I'm Julianna Garavaldi." Andrew apprehensively took her hand, gave it a quick shake and pulled away. "I'm not going to bite. We met on the train."

"Train?" he asked. "What train?" He truly seemed to have forgotten all about her. "I've never met you before." She laughed a little.

"All right, if you don't want to speak to me, just say so. You don't have to pretend that I'm an idiot." She turned around and stalked off, but he followed her this time.

"I'm not myself today," he said quietly. "I apologize."

"It's quite all right, Mr. Strauss." She paused and turned to face him. "You seem different."

"You hardly know me."

"You seemed…"

"I seemed?"

"You seemed to be afraid of me earlier." Andrew shook his head. He looked into her eyes. This was who he wanted to be. He wondered if he could control it long enough to be happy for a few moments.

"Afraid? No. I…" Julianna looked up at the moon.

"It's getting late."

"Walk with me," he said quietly.

"Mr. Strauss," she said quickly, "like you said, I barely know you, and…"

"Well, we won't fix that if we don't take a walk." Julianna sighed heavily. He did have a point, but she wasn't so sure she wanted to get to know him, even though, in her mind, he was the man she thought about when she wrote her book. It wasn't healthy, but every character needed a face. Mr. Strauss' face just happened to be the one she saw when she wrote her main character. "I noticed a small café opened on the corner. Would you like a cup of coffee?" Julianna thought for a moment, gripping her journal so hard in her hand that she thought her fingers might break off. "You seem to be on edge."

"I'm fine," she said with a shrug. She straightened her posture and looked into his eyes. This was the same man she'd seen on the train, yet at the same time, he was someone else. He seemed brighter and more alive. She wasn't sure if she liked this side of him better than before. The original seemed more natural. But, maybe he was nervous. Maybe he just wanted someone to talk to. What if he was lonely? She was lonely too, and she couldn't deny herself the pleasure of having someone else to talk to, could she? It wasn't healthy to live life alone, after all. Sometimes she hated herself for reading and thinking too much. She knew way too much about life, love, loss and anger, and she knew that it was to her advantage to strike up a conversation with this mysterious Mr. Strauss. "Coffee sounds fine." She clutched her journal close to her, and her pen slipped around inside of her sweaty grasp.

She was running faster and faster through the darkness. She wasn't sure how she'd gotten there, but she was terrified. How could she be back there? She could smell the waste that lined the dark cracks and corners in the alley. She could hear the stray cats hissing and scratching at their next meals. She could hear the screams of women being taken advantage of in their own homes. She could hear children crying and begging for mercy. How could this be Boston? It had always been safe…until David.

He was chasing her, and she couldn't scream. The urge bubbled in her throat but couldn't break past the barrier of her wide-open lips. Her screams were animated and silent, and she could hear his steps growing nearer. She wanted to cry out or reach for something to defend herself with, but the walls were growing farther apart, and there was no light at the end.

"If you scream, you'll be sorry," he snarled, pulling her close, his hand on her rounded stomach. She felt pain as his fingers dug into her, and she tried to fight him off. Her silent screams were replaced by the wailing of an unborn child. It cut through the air like a knife, and her head spun as she hit the ground.

"No David," she mouthed, silence filling the blackness of the alley. He crawled over her, crushing her child under his weight.

"I told you I'd make you see," he replied, biting into her flesh. Hot tears rolled down her face and slipped into her hair. Her heart was pounding, and she couldn't breathe. Pain overtook her. "He doesn't love you the way I love you. I'll make you see it. I'll make you feel it."

"No!" she exclaimed hoarsely, sitting up in bed, her body and hair drenched in sweat. Sully felt her stir and heard her crying, and he sat up next to her.

"Michaela!" He touched her back, and she drew away, pulling the hot, heavy covers around her body. "Michaela, it's me. It's Sully."

"No! No!" she sobbed into her hands.

"It was a dream. Whatever it was, it's over now," he soothed, reaching to touch her again. She flinched, but she grew used to his touch, and she fell back into his arms, clinging to him and burying her sobs into his neck to keep from waking the baby.

"It was David. He…the baby. David was…" Sully leaned over and struck a match, lighting the lamp beside their bed. He climbed out of bed and moved to Michaela's side, kneeling down before her. He took her hands in his.

"It was just a dream, Michaela. David's locked up where he belongs, all right?"

"I don't know," Michaela breathed. "I don't think so. Something tells me it isn't over yet." Sully softly kissed the back of her hand.

"Ya fret too much is all. Don't worry. David ain't ever gonna hurt us again." Michaela was still trembling, and Sully stood. "I'll go make ya some tea." Michaela nodded and watched him walk away. She hurried over to the bed that Sully had brought in for Katie. The little one was sleeping peacefully, the moonlight trickling in and caressing her soft face. Michaela tucked her blanket snugly around her and smiled. She moved toward the balcony doors and threw them open. She walked out and leaned against the railing of the upstairs porch. She looked at the slumbering town and sighed. It was too bad they had to sleep at night. Colorado Springs was beautiful under the moonlight.

She looked toward the house near the mercantile where Abagail and Martin lived. She noticed a light on upstairs, and she could see Abagail sitting in a rocking chair, staring out the window. She backed up into a dark corner, hoping Abagail wouldn't see her. She couldn't help but notice how sad the young woman looked, even from so far away. She could see a form lying under a blanket on the bed behind her, and she concluded that it was Martin. Martin and Abagail were still practically newlyweds, and Michaela hadn't thought that one would sleep while the other sat up staring out the window late at night. It was a beautiful portrait, but it was sad, because this was real life.

Katie began to fuss, so Michaela hurried back in and shut the balcony doors. She picked the little girl up into her arms and carried her to the bed. She knew Katie wasn't hungry, because she had given her a bottle shortly before putting her down.

"You just want to be held, don't you?" Michaela asked. "Well, I'll hold you forever if you want. You're too precious to ever let go of." Sully walked into the room with a hot cup of tea, and Michaela smiled at him. They carefully exchanged the baby and the tea cup, and soon, Sully was rocking Katie back to sleep. Michaela sipped at the tea and sighed softly. "Chamomile." Sully nodded.

"Feelin' better?"

"A little. Thank you," she breathed. She took a deep breath and set the cup aside to cool. "That dream took me back to the night that David tried to…"

"The night he tried to rape you?" Sully concluded, the sentence spilling from his lips like hot venom. Michaela nodded, folding her hands in her lap. "That's nothin' to be ashamed of, Michaela."

"I know. It's just difficult to talk about." Sully nodded in understanding. Michaela took a shaky breath.

"It was so, so real, Sully. I was pregnant, and he…he…"

"Take your time. Ya don't gotta talk about it now, if ya don't want to." She nodded.

"Yes I do. There is so much to talk about, but no matter how much I think about it or talk about it, it's never going to take away the memory. It's always going to weigh down on me."

"It might," Sully whispered, "but you're not gonna have to go through it alone. I'll always be here, no matter how hard ya push me away. I love ya, Michaela, and I'm here forever. You'll never have to go through it alone." Michaela smiled gratefully.

"I know," she breathed. "Promise me you'll never give in if I push you away."

"I promise," he replied. "Remember, we're both just as stubborn as the other."

"I think that's a good thing in this case," she replied. Sully got out of bed and put Katie back to bed. Michaela watched him carefully, and once she was satisfied that her little girl was comfortable, she settled back into bed and waited for Sully to join her. When he did, they pulled each other close and fell asleep, holding onto one another as they hoped to do for the rest of their lives.

Matthew blew hot air into his hands, as he rested against a large pine tree. He should have been back to the farm hours ago, but he'd scoured the fields from there to Topeka, and so far, there's been no sign of Ethan. Maybe he'd boarded and skipped town. Matthew wouldn't have been surprised.

An owl hooted in the distance, and the breeze grew surprisingly chilly, especially for a late-August evening. He felt guilty for leaving his little brother and sister alone at the farm, but he'd checked in a little earlier and made sure Ethan hadn't come back. He hadn't, and he was determined to find his father, wherever he might be. His head kept telling him to stop wasting his time, however, and he honestly wondered why he was worried about a man who had only caused pain for his entire family.

"What are you doing out here at a time like this?" Matthew grabbed his lantern and spun around quickly. A man dressed in uniform was riding a gallant stallion down a lonely trail.

"Lookin' for my pa, Sir," Matthew replied.

"What's your name, son?"

"Matthew Cooper, Sir," he replied respectively.

"I'm Sergeant Terrance McKay," the man replied. "I'm on my way to join my troops, but I've got some time. Do you need any help?"

"Yes Sir," Matthew said quietly. "My little brother and sister are gonna be worried."

"Well, let's start looking, and if we don't find your pa in an hour, I'll take you home, and you can spend all of tomorrow looking." Matthew nodded.

"He's probably passed out drunk somewhere," he said to himself. Sergeant McKay helped him up onto the horse, and they rode off in search of Ethan Cooper.