Chapter Thirteen
Matthew coughed violently when he woke. It was dark now, and Colleen and Brian were kneeling next to him outside of the saloon. He groaned loudly, feeling pain all over. He felt the split in his lip, the bruising on his ribs and his eye, and he felt a tooth loose in the back of his jaw.
"What happened?" Colleen asked in a whisper, as out-of-tune music staggered out of the saloon. Matthew sat painfully, and he caught the glimmer of something in the dirt. He reached for it, and it was Charlotte's ring. He breathed a sigh of relief and tucked it in the only pocket that wasn't ripped.
"Nothin'," he murmured. "C'mon. Let's go find a place to set up camp. We'll look for dinner someplace else."
"I'm real hungry," Brian said quietly, his tough-guy attitude from early completely dissolved.
"We'll find a way," Matthew promised, tasting blood and dirt in his mouth. He could still smell the cheap cigars and watered down whiskey.
"But ya don't know how to hunt," Colleen protested. "Pa never showed ya."
"Don't mean I can't try. C'mon," he said quickly. Colleen and Brian watched as he walked off toward the wagon, and they held each other close, following behind with worry.
"No! Stay away from me! Please, go away! Leave me alone!" she screamed, clawing at the walls of the alley, her fingernails snapping and splitting as she tried to break through. He felt his hand moved around her throat, and he slammed her into the wall. She slid down into a puddle of something. She didn't want to know what it was, but she felt him pressing into her again a moment later, his fingers bruising her flesh.
"You'll never forget," he seethed. "Never."
"David! NO!" She pounded her fists against him, kicked him with such fury. The blinding sound of the baby crying made her scream out. "No! My baby! My baby!" She was answered by a firm smack across the face, his knuckles catching the bridge of her nose. She cried out. Why couldn't anyone hear her? Why wasn't anyone listening? "Sully! Sully!" She screamed louder than ever, hoping he could hear.
David's hand closed around her throat, and she felt his hot breath against her lips. She closed her mouth tightly, but he fought for entrance, and she bit him hard. She growled, and she was sick at the thought that it pleased him that she was fighting so hard.
Pain ripped through her body, her stomach tightening with a contraction. She cried out as his hands pinned her down, his chest crushed against hers, stealing her breath.
"No! No! No! No!" she screamed over and over again, tears pouring down her face, mixing with the blood that was coagulating in her hair. She groaned in pain as his knee pressed into her stomach, and she tried to fight him off.
"His baby," he breathed. "It wasn't supposed to be him. It should've been me."
"No!" she screamed, feeling her body giving out, but her mind and her will didn't. She screamed, but the sounds of the infant crying flooded and reverberated throughout the alley. She was drowning in tears, blood, lies, pain and degradation.
"Sully!" Michaela exclaimed, sitting up in bed, her hands on her stomach. She was in pain, and her face was damp from tears. Sully sat up in bed and saw his wife's naked form lie back on the sheets and curl up in the fetal position.
"Michaela!"
"It hurts," she cried. "It hurts." She was gasping for breath, and he was scared to death.
"Hang on, Michaela. I'm gonna get ya help. I'm gonna…I'm gonna go get Dr. Bernard."
"Don't leave me!" she pleaded.
"I gotta go, Michaela." Her hand grabbed his, and she squeezed it hard.
"Please don't go! I can't go through this alone." He heard the absolute fear in her voice, and he couldn't leave her now. She'd needed him once, and he hadn't been there. He couldn't leave her like this.
"What can I do?" he asked, his voice breaking along with his heart.
"Hold me until the pain goes away," she sobbed. "Make it go away." He slowly pulled her into his arms, and she clung to him, crying against his chest. "Not again. Not again. Please, God! Not again." He couldn't speak. He could only hold her as her body tensed, and she let out the most terrifying, painful cries he'd ever heard. He closed his eyes, holding her until she relaxed a little and her breathing slowed.
"Michaela?" he asked cautiously, pulling back from her and looking into her tear-stained eyes.
"The pain's gone," she breathed. Sully kissed her forehead, letting his own tears slip out. "I'm scared, Sully. I'm so afraid." Sully held her close, feeling her tears leaking onto his chest. She choked on a sob, and he rubbed her back. He held her for several minutes, letting her dry her tears. He was silent, knowing she didn't need him to speak right now. Her body seemed to relax completely, and he kissed her temple and her forehead.
"It's over now," he whispered. "Just rest. I'm gonna go get Dr. Bernard. Will ya be okay long enough for me to do that?" Michaela nodded, placing her hand on her bare stomach.
"Yes," she replied.
"You stay in bed," he urged, getting out of bed and pulling on his clothes. He handed her the nightgown she'd worn last night, and she smiled gratefully at him.
"I will. Will you bring Katie in for me?"
"Sure," he replied, worry still shaking and straining his voice. "Just lay back. Don't move." Michaela's heart was pounding, and her body was completely relaxed. There was nothing left of the pain except the memory, and she wondered if it had actually been there. That nightmare had been so real. You weren't supposed to feel the pain of your dreams, but she did with that one.
Sully carried Katie in, and Michaela watched as he eased her little head off of his shoulder and into the crook of his arm. It saddened Michaela to think that he may never get to hold a child of his own flesh and blood like that.
"Go to Mama," Sully whispered, softly kissing the top of Katie's nearly-hairless head. Michaela took her daughter into her arms and held her close.
"Hello, sweetheart," she breathed. "You're going to keep me company for a while. Is that all right?" Katie sighed softly in her sleep, and Michaela looked up at Sully with worry obviously in her eyes. "We'll be all right. Go on."
"I ain't sure I should go just yet."
"We'll be fine," she assured him. He moved toward the door, wrapping his belt, clad with tomahawk and knife, around his waist.
"I'll be back as soon as I can. Just…stay in bed." He rushed out the door, and Michaela placed Katie down on the bed. She lay back and turned her head to look at her sweet baby girl. Motherhood was new to her, but she knew that it was a part of who she was. She wasn't just a doctor or a wife. She was a doctor, a wife, a mother and so many other things. She wanted it all, and thought she knew it might not always be possible, she could hope for the best. That's all she really could do right now.
My blind passion lingers in the darkness
Waiting for the perfect moment.
I watch her heart grow bigger,
As my overwhelming evil tears her away.
Evil, I am not.
I am what they created and molded
From abuse and cruelty.
A man of honor, I could be,
But my blackened heart
Beats with desire for the one I cannot have.
But, I shall.
She lives in a dream,
And she will wake soon.
I will wake her
Soon.
David put his journal down and watched as the morning sun rose over Denver. He walked toward the window and threw open the curtains. Buggies raced past the hotel, as young men on horseback chased one another through the streets. A variety of beautiful young women made his mouth water, but none like the incomparable Michaela Quinn.
His blood ran hot at the thought of her. The need he felt for her was slightly tamed compared to before. Something had changed inside of him. Something had implanted within his soul and started growing, and it had all started the day he met that woman. Julie, Julia? Julianna! That was her name. He could see her in his mind, but when he'd talked to her, he had been somebody else, for the most part. He'd been watching and listening from a distance, his soul hiding in the corner while another part of him took over.
His bad eye began to throb behind the patch, and a memory began to surface. His head spun as he heard their conversation over coffee. A name. What name had he given to her? And…Andrew Strauss. He knew that man, but that wasn't him. What part of him had taken on that name? His recollection dimmed, and the pain overtook him again. He ripped off his eyepatch and threw it away. The light seeping through the window burned the cloudy white of his damaged eyeball.
He moved toward his medical bag and opened it up. He desperately searched for something, anything. He found a vile of something, and he swallowed it, not caring if it was for the pain or not. But, it seemed to help, and he fell back onto his bed, his mind writhing and stretching and thinking back.
"Andrew Strauss…"
June, 1865
"David, what the hell were you thinking back there?" a man a few years older than him asked as the carriage rattled down the cobblestones in San Francisco. "You could have killed that young man!"
"With all due respect, Dr. Strauss, I did what I thought was best. I saw all of the symptoms, so I did what my heart told me to do. You weren't there, were you?"
"I would have preferred for you to wait on me."
"You're never around when I need your assistance. I'd be better off practicing alone!" Andrew looked at him angrily, his eyes flashing with frustration. He'd been wanting to say that same thing to David for months. Now David had the audacity to imply that his colleague wasn't holding up his end of the partnership.
"I think that's a good idea," Andrew replied quickly. "David, I can't trust you with my patients."
"Excuse me?" David asked incredulously. "What are you talking about?"
"Jesus, I'm talking about today, yesterday, last week with Mr. Nelson."
"What about Mr. Nelson?" David asked, slapping the reins to make the carriage go faster. Andrew stared at him incredulously.
"You gave him the wrong medication! He died before I had the chance to save his life! He came in with a severe case of arthritis, David, and you gave him…"
"I know what I gave him! I made a mistake!" David spat.
"There are no mistakes in medicine. You should know that by now!" David slapped the reins again, and Andrew reached for them. "Stop the carriage. Stop!" But, David continued to go faster and faster, running away from the misery, the pain and the accusations. Andrew tried to push him away, but the horses broke free, and the carriage toppled over, spilling both Andrew and David onto the cobblestones. David screamed out like a wounded rabbit, and Andrew felt his arm snap as he hit with a heavy thud.
David was screaming in pain, however, and he had to put aside his anger. He held his broken arm close to his body and pulled himself toward David as the carriage wheels slowed and began to stop spinning.
"David! Can you hear me?" David groaned in pain as Andrew turned him to his side. He noticed the blood pouring from David's eye socket, and for a moment, he thought that perhaps he'd lost his eye, but he could see part of the iris through the blood. "Relax, David. It's going to be all right." Their medical bags were scattered on the ground, and several people ran to get help.
"You…" David seethed, wiping the blood from his face, but the blood quickly replaced itself. Before he could get another word out, he passed out cold, and Andrew worked as hard as he could to keep him alive.
"I see no cause to worry," Dr. Bernard said, rinsing his hands in the washbasin, as Sully sat next to the bed with Katie in his arms.
"But she woke up screamin' in pain," Sully said, his voice quivering slightly. "That ain't normal."
"No," Dr. Bernard replied. "But I see no physical reason that she would have experienced the pain." He looked at Michaela. "I suggest you take it easy for a few days, rest and get plenty of fluids and nutrients in your system." Michaela sighed. She had already planned on it.
"Thank you, Dr. Bernard."
"I have to catch the stage back to Denver, but wire me if there are anymore complications."
"We will. Thank you," Sully said with defeat in his voice. As Dr. Bernard left, Wolf came into the room whining. Sully handed the baby back to Michaela. "What is it, boy?" Wolf hurried out of the room, and Sully looked at Michaela. "I'll be right back." She smiled and nodded at him.
"I'll be right here when you get back."
Sully descended the stairs, following Wolf as he skillfully moved toward the door. Dr. Bernard was riding off in a borrowed wagon, and Cloud Dancing was making his way up the trail to the house. Sully went outside to greet his Cheyenne brother. They embraced.
"The sweat lodge has been prepared for the medicine woman."
"It ain't a good time," Sully said quietly.
"No harm will come to the child. Hope has been restored." Sully looked up quickly.
"Ya knew."
"Yes," Cloud Dancing replied, "but the Spirits spoke. They would not let me speak about it."
"We just found out," Sully explained. "Michaela had pain this morning."
"The ritual must be performed soon. She must purge her body of the past and let her spirit heal." Sully looked up toward the bedroom window. He knew it was what she needed. The nightmares were growing more frequent, and the pain had been so horrible for her. "But she must first accept our healing." Sully nodded slowly.
"Come with me." He led Cloud Dancing up the stairs and into the room. Michaela was surprised to find the medicine man with her husband now.
"Cloud Dancing?"
"How are you feeling?"
"I'm fine. What's going on?" She glanced between him and Sully. "Sully?"
"The nightmares are growing worse," Cloud Dancing spoke up. Michaela swallowed hard and nodded her head. "The Spirits tell me much about the past. They tell me you are ready to move on." Michaela let out a slow, soft breath and put her hand on her stomach.
"I need to move on," she replied quietly. "Sully told me about the ritual. The baby…"
"The child will not be harmed. You will nourish your body, and you will learn the process. When you are ready, the healing will begin."
"I am ready," she said quietly, looking down at her little girl. She was more than ready to let go of the past and look forward to the future. David was a part of the past, and she believed in her heart that he would never try to hurt her again.
Julianna sipped coffee at Grace's and wrote a few lines down for her novel. She could feel many eyes starting at her, accusing her of something she had no control over. Rumor had spread that Albert had been married to her, so these eyes were staring and accusing her of breaking up a marriage simply by existing.
"More coffee?" Grace asked, walking up with a hot kettle in her hand.
"Yes, thank you," Julianna said quietly. Grace sat down and poured the cup of coffee. Julianna immediately picked up the sugar bowl and dumped at least ten or twelve cubes into her coffee cup. Grace raised an eyebrow, but decided not to question it.
"What're you writin'?" Julianna wasn't sure how to sum it up in so many words.
"Sometimes I think I'm writing my life," she said, her eyes staring into Grace's. Grace fidgeted in her seat, and Julianna smiled a little. "But then I remind myself that these characters truly don't exist. I've been writing them for so long that they seem to have taken on a life of their own."
"Really? How long?" Grace wondered. Julianna thought back, and she surprised herself.
"Going on seven years," she responded. Grace's eyes went wide.
"What on earth could ya be writin' about for seven years?" Julianna thought for a moment.
"A lot of things," she admitted. Grace smiled a little and caught Julianna's gaze. "Albert's wife is staying with you?" Grace tensed up.
"She is."
"I feel terrible," she said quietly. "I didn't even know I'd ever see him again. I hope she understands."
"She ain't mad at you, honey. Don't worry," Grace said. "It's somethin' she's gonna have to work out with her husband." Grace gave her a positive smile and walked off to tend to her other customers. Julianna sighed and closed her novel. She opened up her journal and began to write again. The breeze began to pick up, however, and her pages began to rattle and tear a little. She quickly closed the book and drank down the rest of her coffee. She had no appetite, though breakfast for her usually was coffee. She didn't know why. She actually hated coffee, but she hadn't protested the night she went with him.
She placed the proper payment down onto the table and grabbed her things. She needed peace and quiet, and she realized how beautiful the meadow looked. It was almost golden as the sun shone down on it, and the leaves from the woods sparkled orange, brown, red and yellow, while there was still an abundance of green. Autumn was almost here, and she could smell it in the air. It was so different than New York.
She sat down in a patch of grass that seemed to be directly under the sun, and she unfolded her books into her lap, closing her eyes for a moment of peace. Unfortunately, he came into her mind again. She couldn't stop thinking about him. He wasn't good for her, and that was as plain as day, but she couldn't stop thinking about how handsome he was, and how he was so distant and mysterious.
Thunder rumbled off in the distance, and Julianna looked up. The sky was turning gray, and the clouds were rolling in, pushing the sun out of sight. She sighed heavily.
"So much for a nice day." She picked up her things and walked slowly back toward the clinic, getting caught in the beginning of the storm just before she escaped inside.