"Kare."
"Hey poodle."
"Can we talk?"
"Of course. But make it quick, I've got a facial scrub in an hour."
"It's really big."
"Oh. Sit down then, and I'll pretend to listen."
"Promise you won't tell anyone?"
"I promise, Jack, now just tell me what's wrong!"
"Well… you know that story I wouldn't let you read?"
"Sweetie, I know it was about those pirates from that film. The hot ones. Wilma told Grace and I listened."
"He knew you were listening?"
"What? No, I was in the room over there sleeping off my vodka."
"Oh, ok. Well… itwasn'tjohnnyandorlandoitwasmeandwill."
"What? Honey, you'll have to slow down, I'm due another pill."
"The story was about me and Will. Recently I've been having these dreams about Will, and I thought that, maybe, if I wrote them down I'd stop having them."
"Are they… sex dreams?"
"Yeah. Oh, Karen, what's wrong with me?"
"Jackie, much as I hate to even consider this… it's not love, is it?"
"No, it can't be. I mean, it's Will."
"…"
"…"
"…"
"How do I know if it's love?"
"There's a quiz in my Cosmo. You just sit still and I'll ask the questions. Right. 'Do you look forward to seeing him?'"
"Of course, he's my best friend."
"'How does he smell?'"
"Mm, wonderful. He uses this strawberry shower gel, and I've tried using it, but it smells way better on him. Oo, and there's his shampoo- it smells all spicy. I could smell his hair all day."
"'Do you make excuses to be with him?'"
"Um, I suppose. Sometimes."
"'Are you jealous of his other friends?'"
"Oh, come on. His only other friend is Grace, and if I was jealous of her I'd be seriously sad."
"You liar! You are so jealous of Grace! Last week you made me take her shopping so that you could go out with him!"
"Karen! You know she needed new clothes, and anyway, I wanted Will for karaoke night."
"Yeah, yeah… 'Do you get nervous around him?'"
"More recently. I don't want him to think I'm completely stupid. But, on the other hand, I can be me with him. He lov- likes me anyway."
"'Could you see yourself staying with him? Forever?'"
"Um… maybe… I suppose. I've thought about it. Well, I've known him forever."
"The results are in, ladies and fairies. Jack McFarland, you are totally completely gaga over Wilma Truman."
"What? I don't believe you. Let me see that- it wasn't a real quiz, you made it up!"
"Did you hear your answers? 'Oh, Will smell so gorgeous, I could smell him all day. Oh, I could spend the rest of my life with him. Oh, I have dreams about him where he-"
"Oh Sarah Jessica Parker I love him. Karen, what am I gonna do? My life is over."
"No, poodle, it's ok."
"Will won't think about me like that. He turned me down when we were younger, and then when Psychic Sue told him he'd spend the rest of his life with me he was horrified."
"Jack, relax! If he hurts you I'll send Rosario over to give him a good seeing to, and not in the way that you want to. Yeah, yeah, know what I'm saying?"
"Who's Jack after now?"
"Oh my God- Will, don't sneak up on people!"
"I'm sorry, I thought you two girls would've heard the door. Where's Grace?"
"Down the bagel place ogling the till guy."
"Oh, ok. Jack, come on. I'll buy you lunch at Stromboli's. They've got this really cute waiter in."
"Hm, ok. Bye Karen."
"Bye Jackie. Try not to get too excited with Will, oh yeah."
---
"Jack? Are you ok? You've barely spoken since we left Karen."
"Huh? Oh, yeah, I'm fine. Great."
"If you're sure…"
"I am. Now what were you saying?"
"Do you think I should ask the waiter for his number? He's cute, don't you think?"
"I suppose."
"What? Jack, he's gorgeous."
"No he isn't! There are way better guys out there, especially for you."
"Jack? Was that a compliment?"
"Yes. Why? Does that bother you? Am I not allowed to compliment you?"
"Of course you are, it's just that normally you insult me."
"Fine, if it makes you feel better. That waiter would never go out with you because you're fat, and ugly, and… oh, I can't do this, you're wonderful, of course he'd go out with you."
"Jack, you're making even less sense than normal, which is saying something. What the hell is up with up with you?"
"I just- oh dammit, I can't do this. I'm sorry."
"Jack! Don't go! Please… that was weird. I wonder what's wrong with him."
---
"Grace, honey, we need to talk."
"Sure, Karen, what about?"
"First of all, pink bows only belong on six year old girls. Secondly, Jack and Will."
"What about them?"
"You know as well as I do that those two girls belong together. But your husband's being a stubborn idiot, and Jack's upset, and I won't let that happen."
"Woah, Karen, I never knew you cared so much."
"I don't, but if Jack's not happy then he won't help me get shop assistants fired. We're gonna have to sort this out."
"How? By locking them in a room together until they admit their feelings?"
"You know, that's not a bad idea…"