Alas, Final Fantasy VIII is owned by someone who is not me. I also do not own Toys-R-Us. I DO own the characters Jaz-chan, Ang-chan, the substitute teacher, Mr. Boege, and Mr. Roman. And that's "Ang-chan" with a soft "g." I do not own the people they are based off of, because slavery was abolished by Abraham Lincoln, remember? The Emancipation Proclamation ROCKS HARD! (head banging)
Aah... too much history class...
BOOYA! Over 300 hits! It truly is inspiring to see that so many people have visited this humble little fic. Thank you all, especially those kind enough to review! I really enjoy the feedback, and if there's anything that you think could help make this fic better, don't hesitate to let me know. Help me help you.
And by the way, the "o" in my pen name is indeed a long "o." As in, "row, row, row your boat..."
Anyway... without further ado... enjoy!
Pass It Along
Chapter 4: Un-Wedge It
The guys weren't on the best of terms with the garden's resident sorceress after the whole "I hope a low-flying airplane chops off your heads" incident. Squall had been caught a little off guard by his girlfriend's ardent rant, but replied afterwards with a voice so monotonous and indifferent he could have rivaled Ben Stein.
"Does this mean you're breaking up with me?"
Rinoa had just thrown up her arms in frustration and walked away, leaving Squall alone in the front hall. Zell and Irvine had already ran for their lives, hit the coast, and were now swimming for their lives. Squall wondered whether throwing one's arms in the air meant yes or no.
Three days had passed before Irvine and Zell returned from the sea. They burst through the front gate riding on the back of Irvine's trusty GF, Leviathan, sending sprays of water and chunks of gate everywhere.
"Irvine KINNEAS!" Quistis cried, skidding to a halt. She had been chasing that kid that jogs around the garden, trying to tell him that 'Running in the halls is strictly prohibited!'
"Howdy, Quis!" The cowboy tipped his hat as Leviathan continued to squirm, almost like an impatient horse.
"Irvine Kinneas, you call off that GF right now, or else!"
"Or else what?"
At that moment, a loud, screeching brake assaulted everyone's eardrums, and Leviathan spooked and bucked off its riders before diving into the Balamb Garden fountain, where it commenced to sulk and growl at passers-by. It seemed like everyone in the garden had rushed to the front gate to see what was going on that was causing such a ruckus. Squall, Rinoa, and Selphie were some of those people.
"Oh, you poor baby!" Selphie cried, running towards Irvine. The cowboy spread his arms, expecting a hug from the petite SeeD, but she trotted right past him and jumped into the fountain. "Ohhhh! Have those humans been mean to you?" Selphie cooed, petting the sea serpent gently. It started to purr.
"Alright," Irvine grunted, "since when can snakes purr?"
Zell jumped up and down, trying to see over everyone else's heads because he was so short. "Hey, a bus just pulled up?"
"Yeah, dummy." Squall replied.
Rinoa ran over to the rest of the gang, eager to find out what was going on. "Ooh! What's it for? Where's it from?"
"It's just a quick gas-stop!" Quistis replied, "They're-"
"You mean they all get out and fart?" Zell exclaimed, his face scrunching adorably into an expression of disgust.
The ex-instructor snapped at him with her whip. "Noooo, dipwad! To refuel! They're on a field trip from some middle school. They're going to a museum somewhere around here..."
"I never knew there was a museum 'round here..." the tattooed blond mumbled.
Quistis sighed. "There are a lot of things you don't know, Zell..."
"Like two plus two, ya know!"
"Raijin! I DO TOO know that! Wait..." Zell hunched over and started counting on his fingers.
Irvine turned his attention to the bus at the entrance. "Maybe they're lost..."
"Yep, it's FIVE! I KNEW IT!" Zell exclaimed. At that moment, the high-pitched shrieks that can only belong to anime-obsessed teenage girls erupted from the bus, and two of the aforementioned anime-obsessed teenage girls jumped out of the windows of the vehicle, running towards the gang. "Hey, it's that girl from Toys-R-Us!" Zell gave a toothy grin and waved. "YOOOOO!" The two girls ran past him and nearly tackled Irvine and Squall to the ground. Zell was almost speechless. "H-hey!"
"Sorry," squeaked the girl clinging to Irvine, "but he's hotter than you are!"
"WHAT THE--?"
"She does have a point." The taller boy smirked, enjoying all the attention.
Zell pouted and shoved his hands in his pockets, shuffling away through the crowd.
"So, uh..." Irvine looked down and read off the girl's 'hello my name is...' name tag. "...Ang-chan... You from that middle school?"
"Yep! Jaz-chan and me are in seventh grade!" Ang-chan looked up at the sharpshooter with a big grin on her face. "That means I'm a big girl now!"
"Is that so?" Irvine grimaced. "Good for you."
Meanwhile, poor Squall was having a slightly more difficult time.
"SQUALL! SQUALL! OH MY GOSH YOU'RE SQUALL, I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU!"
"I—URGH! Would you—URF! Just--"
As it turned out, Jaz-chan was quite strong for a seventh grader, and she had her arms wrapped around the commander's neck in a maximum-strength glomp.
"IRVINE!" Squall shouted, "Stop hitting on the little kids and help me! I'm being strangled!"
"Squall, I love you!" Jaz-chan chirped.
"Aww, come on now," Irvine drawled, "it's always nice to meet a fan!"
"IRVINE! I AM IN PAIN!"
Just then, another female voice came calling from the big yellow bus. This voice, however, was sweet, soft, and mature; and belonged to the young substitute teacher.
"Girls! Girls! Please, get back here!"
The wayward students squealed and ran off, blending into the crowd. The young teacher trotted through the chaotic mess of the front gate, but she lost sight of the girls almost immediately. She couldn't very well run after them either, since her top speed was drastically lowered by her uncomfortable high heels. Squall, however, had kept a sharp eye on the mischievous seventh graders, and knew that they were safe and sound, hiding in a nearby potted plant.
"Excuse me!" the teacher called desperately, "You, you guys with the fuzzy hat and cowboy jacket! I mean, cowboy hat and fuzzy jacket!" She smacked herself in the forehead. "First," she thought to herself, "the bus runs out of gas. Then, I LOSE two of my students; and NOW I can't even talk right! I'm never going to become a real teacher!"
Out of the corner of his eye, Squall saw Irvine shamelessly look her up and down, and the commander scowled. "Is it physically possible for him to keep his mind out of the gutter for just ONE minute?" he pondered.
The young woman reached the group of heroes, panting. "Ex-excuse me, but do you have any idea w-where my students have run off to? They're about yay high," she held her hand up to her chin, "wearing glasses, and are rather freakishly devious."
"They're just over--" Squall started to reply, before Irvine stomped on his foot.
"I'm sorry; we have no idea where they are!" the cowboy replied hurriedly, stepping in front of Squall.
"But I'll be more than happy to assist you in searchi--"
"DON'T you even think about it!" Quistis snapped, dragging the lanky sharpshooter by the ear. "YOU are going to the headmaster's office and explaining what happened to the front gate!"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Irvine's cry was muffled, yet still audible, as the ex-instructor shoved him into the elevator. "W-WAIT! I... I KNOW WHERE THOSE STUDENTS ARE!" he wailed.
"What? You do? Oh my goodness, wait! WAIT!" the teacher ran to the elevator column and jabbed furiously at the up arrow.
"Well, that was... interesting..." Rinoa commented. The girls jumped out of their hiding spot and attached themselves to Squall like leeches. Just then, Seifer strutted onto the scene; hair shiny and clean from the salon.
"What's with the bus?" he sneered, eyes falling on the girls clinging to Squall. He blinked. "Oh, I see..." the tall blond winked at the commander. "Irvine set you up with a blind date, huh?"
"Is this true?" Rinoa demanded.
"No! You just saw how this happened!"
"SEIFER!" Jaz-chan hopped from one hot teenage male to the other. "SEIFERSEIFERSEIFER!"
Squall imitated her in a high falsetto, "Seifer-Seifer-Seifer! Geez!" His voice back to normal, he turned to Jaz-chan. "What to all you girls see in him, anyway?"
"All you girls? I like the sound of that..."
"Yeah, you practically have your own fan club! Everyone loves you! It sucks, you're supposed to be the bad guy!" Squall vented. "Why doesn't anyone understand? BAD equals... well... NOT GOOD! C'mon, Jaz-chan, enlighten me.What do you see in him? What does he have that I haven't got?"
Rinoa replied, "Well, for one thing, a-"
"I wasn't asking you!"
Jaz-chan tore her gaze from Seifer's face to look Squall in the eye as she answered. "He's so hot and he has a trenchcoat and steel-toed boots and he's a pyro and he's so arrogant and he looks so great when he laughs and he's hot!"
Squall sweatdropped. "You already said that…"
"Don't worry, Squally!" Ang-chan squealed, "I'll stay true to you! At least until Irvine comes back!"
Zell wandered back into the group, having fulfilled the standard pouting time and now feeling rather left out. His downcast gaze leapt up with excitement as two more screams erupted from the bus.
"Yay! More girls!" the martial artist clapped his hands together. However, his hopes were soon dashed as a man with short brown hair and dorky glasses jumped out of the emergency exit window, and an old guy tried to follow suit but got stuck half-way. Zell deadpanned. "...EH?"
"Help me, Mr. Boege!" the old guy cried, "My fat saggy butt is stuck in the window!"
"I'll save you, Mr. Roman!"
"Quickly!" Mr. Roman called, pulling out a calculator. "The squared perimeter of the window is half the volume of my butt!" His face took on a slight tinge of blue. "IT'S CUTTING OFF CIRCULATION TO MY HEAD!"
Zell massaged his temples. "Owwwww! Too many big words!"
"Alas!" Jaz-chan hissed, "It's the evil ones!"
"Don't let them get me, Squall!" Ang-chan cried, burying her face in the commander's chest.
Mr. Boege, having successfully rescued Mr. Roman from the death-grip of the window, turned around slowly and evil-ly so that he was facing the gang. Mr. Roman did the same. Then, in complete unison, Mr. Boege and Mr. Roman ripped off their shirts and yelled,
"ZELL, I LOVE YOU!"
The blond's eyes widened in fear. "HOLY SHIT!" he shrieked, and took off in a cloud of dust Wiley Coyote vs. the Roadrunner style. The middle-school teachers followed as fast as they could.
"This is more fun than the economy of Oofigoofistan!"
"I'll never look at a protractor the same way again!"
"This isn't funny! I'm just a kid!" Zell wailed, "GEEZER!"
Seifer chuckled. "Yes, actually, it's very funny. That's why Rowi is writing this." He turned and waved at you. YES, YOU! "Hi there! Isn't Chicken-wuss here entertaining?" The taller blond smirked and ran his fingers through his hair. "Don't I look great?"
Squall rolled his eyes and called after Zell. "You're still a child?"
"Yep!" Zell panted, "Not eighteen for about seven months! Still a kid! Whoo-hoo!" Unfortunately, this distraction caused Zell to trip over his own feet and come crashing to the ground, just out of sight, in the hallway leading to the quad. The two teachers caught up to him, and a few seconds later, a blood-curdling scream was heard.
Squall blinked. "... I don't wanna know, do I?"
"Maybe we should go see if he's okay..." Rinoa wondered aloud.
"Eh, he' s fine!" Seifer declared. "I'm bored. Let's go, Jaz-chan." Seifer and his new shadow strutted out of the garden, leaving Rinoa, Squall, and the otaku riding piggyback on the commander's shoulders alone in silence.
"So..."
"Oh, Squall!" Rinoa cooed, "I love you..."
Squall was just about to sigh in relief when Zell came charging back into the front hall.
"AHHHHHHHHH!"
He looked left, and he looked right, and Zell found that he had nowhere to run. As the teachers started closing in, Zell had a bright idea and dove into the fountain around the elevator! Leviathan hissed at him and finally slithered off toward the cafeteria. Zell surfaced looking like a drowned Chocobo.
"Wah! They gave me a wedgie!"
Squall sighed, "So un-wedge it!"
"I don't know how! WAHH!"
Squall smacked himself in the forehead and mumbled, "Let's go, Rinoa."
"What?" she replied, "You're just gonna leave him there?"
"That's the plan!" Squall put his arm around his girlfriend's waist and they were walking off into the sunset when Squall wondered aloud, "…hey, who has the notebook?"
Rinoa jumped in surprise, realizing the book had somehow escaped her grasp. "… I thought I had it, but I can't find it anywhere!
The couple immediately looked across the hall, where they saw none other than Quistis Trepe pick up the bullshit-ridden collection of documents.
"Hmmm, what's this?" the instructor muttered, leafing through the pages.
" NOOOOO!"