Lord of the Rings is not mine

No matter what I do,

I've tried to claim it time after time

But I beg you: please don't sue!

The Blatant Rip-Off of the Rings

The Fellowship of the Round Shiny Yellow Thing

Chapter 3: Three is a Quarter of Twelve

"Goodbye Finish!

Goodbye Finish!

Goodbye Finish!

We're going to go on a quest!"

"Please, Fenny, say you're not going to sing all the way to Cheddar," begged Megan. "I don't think my ears could take it."

The air was warm, the birds were singing, and the phone box door swung gently in the breeze. Fenny stepped inside and inserted 20p. She dialled the number of the taxi service, and waited impatiently for someone to pick up at the other end.

Finally the rings ended. "Hi, could we hire a –" began Fenny, but a pleasant electronic voice interrupted her.

"Hello caller. If you would like to speak to the manager, press one. If you would like to hire a taxi, press two. If you would like to …"

Fenny pressed two.

"Your call is important to us, and will be answered in … three … hours."

Fenny slammed the phone down. Three hours? They could walk to Cheddar in that time. She bounced out of the phone box. "Looks like we're walking."

Three hours later, they were still walking.

"You sure this is the right way?" Sam asked for the twelfth time.

Megan, who was directing, pulled the map out of her pocket and squinted at it. "Ye-es," she answered in an un-reassuring way. "It should be down this road, and then turn right. Then if we cut through the field at the bottom of the lane, that'll save us a huge great loop …"

"I'm hungry," contributed Poppy.

When they got to the bottom of the hill the sun was already high in the sky and beating down with scorching rays. By now all four were starving, so they found a shady spot in a grove of gnarly old oak trees and sat on the grass to eat. "What've we got?" asked Fenny.

Sam, searching through her pack, said, "This one's full of pots and blankets."

"Mine's got clothes in," added Megan, displaying a rather gaudy yellow shirt with a daffodil pattern around the collar.

Poppy groaned. "Cereal bars! I hate cereal bars!" she emptied her pack onto the grass. "Look! Tofu! Eww…" she held up a bag which apparently had once contained runny cheese.

"Well, we can't go back," said Fenny. "That'd take all day."

"Plus there's these weird guys wandering around," piped up Sam.

"Weird guys?"

"Dressed all in pinstriped suits and bowler hats, with black leather suitcases and toothbrush moustaches," confirmed Sam, "driving black Rolls-Royces. One came to the door yesterday and tried to sell Dad life insurance."

"We'll just have to get to Cheddar as soon as possible," muttered Fenny. "Ah!"

"What's the matter?" cried Sam and Megan. Poppy looked scared.

"Nothing, I've just found some cookies."

They ate the cookies. They were chocolate chip.

Perhaps it was the hot sun, or the cool breeze playing about the trees, or just because they had got up at five in the morning, but suddenly and uncomfortably they woke up from a sleep they had never meant to take. The sun had set and the wind was howling around the grove when Poppy leapt to her feet. She had never liked sleeping out of doors, even in a tent, and right now she found it impossible to.

Pulling herself up by a tree, she stumbled towards the road, drawn by who knows what. Even in the relatively sheltered grove, the air had a strange chill to it and the moonlight did not seem to penetrate it, casting everything into shadow. Poppy whirled around with a small scream as a car engine on the edge of hearing stopped and footsteps began to make their way towards the clearing.

A tall, forbidding, pinstriped figure loomed into view through the mist. Poppy ran back to her friends, tripping over tree-roots concealed in shadow. "Megan!" she whispered urgently. "Fenny! Sam! Wake up!"

She shook Fenny, who awoke with a cry which shocked Megan and Sam into wakefulness. Sam crawled over. "What is it? What time is it? Oh, we should've gone sooner."

"There's a man … on the road!" Poppy pointed back the way they had come. Something struck her which she hadn't really thought about. "He was sniffing."

"Sniffing?" Fenny was wide awake, staring with wide eyes into the darkness. Poppy nodded silently. As one, the four backed into the trees and crouched behind a log.

The man – or whatever it was – moved closer. They could now see the thin, pale face, the black-and-white pinstriped suit, the tiny bowler hat, the enormous suitcase clasped in one white-knuckled hand.

He was coming right for them, face thrown back, long nostrils dilating as he sniffed the air.

Fenny thought of the Ring. Maybe if she was transparent, she wouldn't be so noticeable. And Tasty Wheat didn't smell of much, did it? Especially when it was watered down.

But what about Sam and Megan and Poppy? She couldn't just abandon them.

She'd be no good for anyone if she were caught. At least if one of them were free, then perhaps …

They didn't have to come with me! They could have stayed at home!

They could go home, and you could go on.

They didn't leave me, and I'm not leaving them. We're friends; we're supposed to be loyal.

You think this is a real test? You wait till later. Then talk about friendship and loyalty. What if Susan gets the Ring back, what then?

Who says he's anything to do with Susan?

What else could he be? Are you going to sit here and find out?

Sam watched Fenny with concern. Usually her friend couldn't shut up for five minutes at a time, but now she was silent as a mute mouse and almost as pale as the man in front of them. In the gloom, Sam saw Fenny's hand sneak to her pocket. She elbowed her hard, and Fenny jumped, with a hiss of "if that's what I have to do."

Sam caught her as she swayed. "What?"

Fenny shook her head, looking embarrassed. "Nothing."

The man must have heard them, for he started moving faster and in a beeline to their log. Fenny closed her eyes, and Sam put an arm around her shoulders. Poppy and Megan were hugging each other and quivering.

Suddenly the man's head snapped up. They caught a glimpse of eyes like deep black pools and sharp, glittering teeth before he turned tail and fled the clearing.

Sam frowned, though inside she was dancing and singing. "What the…?"

Then they all leapt a foot in the air as: "Dilly billy do?" said a curious voice behind them.