Me: Disclaimer time! Come on out!

Ed: Do I have to?

Me: You don't proof-read, you pay the price. Come on, the ladies and gentlemen want to read the story.

Ed: (emerges from behind curtain wearing frilly magenta toga, sequined fairy wings and high-heeled slippers)

Me: (giggle)

Ed: I feel really stupid.

Me: Hey, at least you don't have to wear the wig!

Ed: Ellie does not –

Me: Do the voice! Do the voice!

Ed: (sighs and begins again in squeaky helium-induced voice) Ellie does not own Lord of the Rings or anything related to it. Please do not sue us. I'm going to fall out of these slippers in a minute.

Me: And…?

Ed: Oh yeah, um, PLEASE review! Otherwise Ellie'll prod me – uh, I mean, um, please review.

Me: Okay, you're free to go!

Ed: (tries to run but falls out of slippers)

The Blatant Rip-Off of the Rings

The Fellowship of the Round Shiny Yellow Thing

Chapter 4: A Short-Cut through Three Whole Chapters

"Ting tang walla walla bing bang," explained the man as he led Fenny, Sam, Megan and Poppy through the forest. He was taller than them, too tall for a Furry Short Person, but so far as Fenny could tell from her limited experience he was not a Tall or Smelly Person either. Maybe a Short Person? But he had no beard…

"D'you have any idea what the heck he's saying?" Sam whispered to her. Fenny shook her head.

"Sounds like a load of nonsense."

Maybe he was some whole new kind of Person. A Weird Person, or a Nonsensical Person.

"That tree just gave me the finger," complained Poppy. Megan rolled her eyes.

"Don't be dumb, trees don't – hey! It stuck its tongue out at me!"

"I heard these woods were haunted," said Sam ominously.

"What, by trees with fingers?"

They stumbled on through the tall trees. It was still dark, and although the wind was less in the forest, the air was freezing cold. Soon their breaths were coming in gasps. Then just ahead of them, appearing suddenly out of the darkness was a huge brown house with smoke curling out of the chimney.

They ran towards the warm yellow light spilling from its windows. As they reached the door, Poppy paused. "Can you smell something?"

"Nothing special."

"Smells … sweet. Like cake," mused Poppy. She prodded the wall. "Gingerbread!"

"What?"

"The walls are made of gingerbread!"

And the door was caramel, there were flaky chocolate logs in the toffee fireplace (they never worked out where the smoke was coming from), and the taps poured out hot and cold running icing sugar.

"Will you look at these windows? Glazed sugar!"

"Um, the beds are made out of crispbread," called Sam from upstairs.

"Well, you don't expect people to live entirely on sweets, do you?"

The speaker was a tall, slender young woman, with long flowing golden hair and deep blue eyes. Her face was fair and her voice melodious, and she wore a simple, flowing summer-dress of turquoise and silver.

"My name is Mary-Sue," she almost sang. "How did you come to find our house?"

"Uh, we were being chased by this weird guy in a pinstriped suit, and … um …" Fenny gestured toward the man who had saved them.

"Tommy," he supplied happily.

"… chased him off," she finished.

Tommy burbled joyfully to himself for a moment, then turned to Mary-Sue. "Willa walla oompa loompa loompity doo oom pa pa," he explained. "Oom pa pa ting tang walla walla bing bang, gin gan goolie goolie goolie goolie wotcha gin gan goo."

"Haya ahaya shaya ahaya shaya haya hoo?" asked Mary-Sue with a completely straight face.

"Shallywally shallywally shallywally oompa oompa oompa," confirmed Tommy. Mary-Sue turned to face Fenny, Sam, Poppy and Megan, who were unsure whether or not to laugh.

"Dear Tommy understands English, he just can't speak it. He's much more comfortable in his home language."

"Oh. Um."

Mary-Sue became serious. "You mentioned the Pinstriped Drivers?"

"The what?"

"The fell creatures that hunted you. The –" she lowered her voice as if afraid they would hear, " –Salesgûl."

There was a rumble of thunder outside, making the sugar windows rattle, and a flash of theatrical lightning.

"There was only one," said Fenny.

"There are nine, the Nine Pinstriped Drivers. You are lucky to have only met one."

"Why did it run from Tommy?" asked Poppy. Tommy grinned toothily.

"Tommy has been around longer than them, and he shall continue long after they are gone," explained Mary-Sue. "There is a strange power in him that comes of being so long lived; or perhaps it is what makes him so. It certainly keeps the house fresh, which is a blessing. Can you imagine living in mouldy gingerbread?"

"But what about the Sales – the, um, Pinstriped Drivers?"

Mary-Sue was silent a moment in a very dramatic way. "Once they were Smelly People, sales assistants to the Dark Lord Susan. Then she gifted to them nine Rings of Power, and they quickly fell into darkness. Now they are doomed to wander the earth, in thrall to the Dark Lord, doing her bidding. And right now her bidding is to find the One Ring, which Susan lost all those centuries ago and has craved ever since."

"Haven't we heard this already?" asked Poppy.

Mary Sue gestured melodramatically to the mint humbug stairs. "You may dwell safe with us this night. No evil may pass these walls."

"Uh …" Fenny looked around at her companions for consent. It would definitely beat sleeping outside again.

Poppy stared out of the window at the threatening dark and the heavy rain which had started to pound the cottage, and nodded quickly. Megan nodded too. "If Poppy stays, I'm staying."

"Are you sure?" Sam asked Fenny. "I mean, we only just met them."

"Do you want to stay? We have blankets. We could camp out."

Sam looked hard at Mary-Sue and Tommy. "They seem fair enough," she conceded. "If you want to sleep inside, I'll stay with you."

"Thanks," said Fenny. She turned back to Mary-Sue. "Okay, we'll stay. Um. Thanks …"

"It's quite all right," smiled Mary-Sue, waving them upstairs. "On a quest as important and danger-fraught as yours, it is an honour to be able to help."

Fenny caught the last comment with puzzlement. They were only taking the Ring to Cheddar; it wasn't so dangerous! It shouldn't even take too long: just tomorrow morning.

"At the end of the day you're another day older,

And that's all you can say for –" she started to sing. Megan threw a pillow at her.

"Please, I want to sleep!"

Fenny bounced onto the end of her crispbread bed. "I can't get to sleep."

"She never can," confirmed Sam. "I don't know when she sleeps. I don't think she ever sleeps."

"Nope," confirmed Fenny cheerfully. "Completely sleepless 24/7, me."

"You don't show it," grumbled Megan. "But I need my sleep."

Fenny grinned and flopped onto the bed. After a while, something struck her. "Do you know the way to Cheddar from here?"

No answer. The others were already asleep.

Oh well, they could ask in the morning.

Ack, boring chapter. Sorry. Ellie hits herself Ach, we hatess the nassty writers' block, yess Precious…

Um.

Dragon empress – Woo hoo! You are my first reviewer! glomps Thanks! Yeah, the Backpack Finish thing sort of came to me in a flash of light. Well, I was going to do Rucksack, but I wanted to use the S-B's so I thought: what's the B-starting equivalent of rucksack? Um, um, backpack! Yeah, that's how slow my thought processes are. hangs head in embarrassment

Who likes campfire songs? Gin gan goolie goolie goolie goolie wotcha gin gan goo, gin gan goo!

All my wonderful, wonderful readers: please R&R!