Disclaimer: The Dane and Worldmage are too poor to own NGE; we just write fanfiction. If we get sued by anyone, we shall call down the Jihad of OTAKU and CUJO upon them! And a Terrible Rain and Hail of Evil Fish, which you really don't want to mess with.
Sucky SI Part Two, or, "How to (o)make Mary-Sue Scream."
The Place: Over There. The Time: Then! THEN! NOT now! The Reason: none.
When the story resumed, The Dane and Worldmage were in the living room, playing Tekken 7 on the new Playstation 4. Worldmage was obviously impressed by what they machine could do, especially the ingenious way it used those little lights to make an image on a screen.
"I wonder if I can take one of these puppies back with me," Worldmage pondered, idly tapping a key on the control pad.
"Let's just concentrate on how the fuck we get home, okay? Okay!" The Dane was obviously not in a pondersome mood.
"Well, we'd be fine if I could just get my book back." Worldmage had been carrying a notebook detailing several rituals, including the spell that had taken the pair to Evaland in the first place.
Unfortunately, this had been confiscated when they had been strip-searched. Two of the NERV security officers were still in intensive care after suggesting that a body cavity search be performed on the Dane. The guards who had supervised Worldmage had suffered a far less violent fate, although from that day on the word "gazebo" caused them to break down in tears.
After four consecutive wins, The Dane finally tossed down his controller pad.
"That's it, I'm spent." He grinned and stretched.
"I was beginning to get the upper hand here, you could at least give me a rematch!"
"Nope." The Dane's smile grew wider. "I'm gonna get some beer, want something?"
"Yeah, iced tea, please. Lemon. No sugar." The Dane shrugged and sauntered into the kitchen.
Back in the living room, Worldmage stretched out on the floor, staring at the ceiling and idly wondering whether he would actually get that tea or not. Suddenly a ceremony, full-formed and perfect to the last detail, sprang into his mind.
"YES!" Worldmage sprang up and began performing the Mathematician's Happy Dance, which is a fitting expression of joy despite the fact that it kills small animals within a five-meter radius.
"What the FUCK's going on here?" The Dane returned from his quick trip to the kitchen to find Worldmage behaving as if he had just downed a load of "happy" mushrooms.
Worldmage stopped dancing, ran over to the Dane, grabbed him by the shoulders, and started spinning the startled Norseman around.
"I remember the return spell! I remember the return spell!" Worldmage was almost literally bubbling over with joy. "Listen: you take a can of creamed corn and heat it to a simmer. Then brown two tablespoons of butter…" he trailed off with a confused expression on his face. Suddenly, he screamed. "NOOOO!" Turning to the far wall, he berated himself viciously in half a dozen languages. When finished, he turned to the Dane, who was looking at Worldmage with a huge sweatdrop hanging from the back of his head.
"Sorry," explained Worldmage, looking defeated. "That was a recipe for potatoes au gratin. We can't go home. I forgot the spell."
The Dane facefaulted.
Upon their return home from school, Shinji and the two girls immediately sensed the dismal mood that now permeated the house.
"Something unpleasant has happened," said Rei gravely.
Asuka took one look and snapped sarcastically, "oh, really, Wondergirl? What gave you that great idea? Maybe it was the smashed furniture? Or what about the scorch-marks on the walls? Or maybe it's that Worldmage guy kicking a sandbag into oblivion!"
Rei just turned her head slowly and stared at Asuka. "All of the above, pilot Soryu," she replied quietly. Then she removed her shoes and went to her room.
"You should really go easy on her, Asuka," Shinji said.
"Mind your own business, baka Shinji!" snapped the redhead as she threw off her shoes and stormed to her room.
Shinji sighed. Then he yelped as a blast of heat and light erupted from somewhere, and a giant boom shook the house. After making sure that another asteroid hadn't crashed into the earth (which it actually had, but that was far away in Graviton City), he tried to locate the source of the disturbance.
Shinji traced the smell of smoke to the insane Danish guy's room. He mustered his courage once more and knocked on the door.
"What is it?" The room's occupant was clearly annoyed.
"I just wondered if you were alright. That was, um, quite a loud boom, and smoke is coming from your room." Shinji waited politely before curiosity got the better of him. He tried to push the door open just a bit, so that he could peer in and see what was going on.
He saw a nice, tidy room with the Dane sitting in the middle of it all, smoking a water pipe.
"You should come in if you're curious, Shinji." The man said between puffs from the contraption.
"But I'd rather not—smoking is bad for your health," Shinji answered apprehensively. The man just chuckled and stood up. He went over to a little chest in one of the corners in the room and fished out an even weirder contraption and some green tobacco-like stuff.
"Well, are you gonna stand there all day like some pervert, or are you gonna come in?"
Shinji silently opened the door and entered the room.
"What is that stuff? And what is that thing?" Shinji was getting curious again.
"This, Shinji my boy, is commonly known as 'weed' or 'pot.'" The man held up the green tobacco. "And this thing right here is a so-called 'bong.'" He held the device out for Shinji to take.
"A bong? That's an odd name—why do you call it that?" Shinji studied the contraption closely.
"Well, I'm not the guy who named it, but I'd reckon it was because of the feeling you get when you smoke this here stuff..." the Dane held up the pot "... on this here thing." He gave Shinji a sly look. "Wanna try?"
Shinji gulped and handed it back to him again. "No, I don't think so. Smoking is bad. All the nicotine and the tar, you know." Shinji remained seated, though. He was thoroughly fascinated by the strange gaijin customs on display before him.
"This isn't tobacco, it's hemp. And there's no nicotine and no tar." The Dane chuckled. "After a hit or two, you don't give a shit about the taste. And you don't get hangovers like with beer." He shrugged. "Not that I've ever had hangovers, but it's so annoying being around hung over people. They're so full of self-pity. If drinking makes you feel bad afterwards and you HAVE to wallow in self-pity—don't drink."
Shinji nodded. He had seen Misato hung over more than enough times.
"Why don't you just try and if you don't like it you can just never do it again..." The Dane grinned slyly as he whipped out his ace. "Or are you afraid you'll like it too much?" He grinned even wider as the comment sunk in with Shinji, who again gathered his courage.
I won't let Father call me a coward; I can't take this from some gaijin! Shinji steeled himself mentally. It can't be any worse than anything Asuka would think of to do for fun, anyway. "I'm not afraid of anything. Fire that up, and let's see who drops first!"
The Dane just smiled and began to stuff a head into the bong.
Asuka and Rei were walking down the corridor in the back of the house when they heard giggles, snickers and chuckles from that Danish guy's room. One of the voices sounded suspiciously like Shinji's.
Asuka spotted a little bit of smoke coming out from under the door and quickly went over to listen to what was going on. Amazingly enough, Rei followed.
"Aww, come on, man. Give it to me!" Shinji pleaded. Asuka's eyes widened.
"I can't; you're too young. You've already had more than enough," The Dane answered.
"Just one more time," Shinji said. There was silence for a moment. Then: "Ok, just one more time, but that's all. You're actually way too young for this stuff, we should've started off much softer."
Asuka's eyes widened even further, to the point of almost popping out of her skull, and her jaw went slack as she heard a slurping noise. Then, Shinji mumbled, "oh, God! That's good!"
Asuka looked at Rei, whose face was now locked into a tiny, barely noticeable grimace of disgust.
"It would seem that Ikari-kun has been corrupted. We must punish the man responsible." Rei was obviously very distraught.
Asuka nodded, took a step back, and kicked the door in to see—Shinji sucking away on a water pipe and the Dane cleaning out a bong.
Asuka's face suddenly reddened, and Rei's almost changed color, as they realized the mistake they had made. They hastily made their excuses and hurried out of the smashed doorway.
"What was that all about?" Shinji slurred.
"Dunno... those chicks get weirder and weirder by the day," The Dane muttered.
Shinji sighed. "Tell me about it!"
Meanwhile, Worldmage was still venting his anger with a practice dummy and a rapier.
WHACK! WHACK! WHAM! [Rip] WHACK! WHAM! WHACK! [Shred]
Finally he stopped, panting and sweaty. He looked at the chunks of dummy lying on the floor—arms and legs hacked off, pieces of torso scattered across the room—and then at his hands. "I don't think I'm doing it right," he said, and scratched his head. "Something feels wrong about sticking the sword into the wall and beating it with the dummy, but I don't know why."
From behind him, Rei spoke. "The sword should be planted in the ground, not in a wall."
"Oh." Worldmage pulled the blade out of the wall and picked the foam pieces off of the floor. "Thanks." He left the room, leaving Rei standing in what appeared to be a state of surprise. Asuka walked up to her and clapped a hand on her shoulder. "You know, Wondergirl," she said in a voice soft with disbelief. "You may be a freak, but sometimes you're cool anyway. Especially compared to our present company."
Later that evening, Misato threw a fit. Fortunately, she wasn't drunk yet, but even so, The Dane nearly perished in the face of her wrath.
The screams could be heard all the way down the street. "HOW DARE YOU GET SHINJI-KUN HIGH! YOU STUPID GAIJIN! WHAT IF THERE HAD BEEN AN ANGEL ATTACK?"
"I was just—I was feeling down and needed a cheer-up." The Dane, still not fully recovered from his own trip, was actually considering backing down. "Worldmage told me that he forgot how to get us back home."
Misato was about to launch into another round of verbal castigation when Ritsuko stepped in.
"Look," she said wearily, "we can't have Eva pilots operating at any less than full capacity. What you do to your own body on your own time is your own business; but we're going to have to put Shinji-kun through Detox now. Eva-01 won't be any good to us when it's trying to hide from 'The Fish!,' whatever they are." Her expression hardened. "Remember that it's only by G— by Commander Ikari's good will that the TWO of you"—here she shot a piercing glance at Worldmage, who immediately lost his smug grin—"are being allowed to LIVE, much less live with us. Also remember that we will call upon your services when they are needed."
"Hang on," muttered Misato. "How come you get to chew them out and I don't?"
Ritsuko ignored her. "In brief, we must take action to insure that this doesn't happen again. I am placing Dane-san under house-arrest for the next twenty-four hours, and both of you are considered to be on probation until further notice." She fixed them both with a Glare o' Death that rivaled even Gendo's in ruthless implacability. "Am I understood?"
"Yes'm!" Worldmage squeaked, and scurried away. The Dane stood his ground a moment longer, swaying gently, then bowed and left.
Once safely in the back hallway, Worldmage turned to The Dane. "So, what do you want me to get for you when I go out tomorrow?"
"Here." The Dane pulled a list out of his pocket and handed it over. "As soon as Shinji joined me for a rousing chorus of 'Cruel Angel's Thesis,' I realized that he'd had too much, and something like this would end up happening. I'm almost worried that she let it go so lightly."
Worldmage was scanning the list. "Right… good GOD!" He pointed with a shaking finger. "What on Earth do you want that for?"
The Dane grinned. "You don't want to know."
"And these?"
"The same."
"What about the ducks? This stuff is going to be hard to get. I don't have any 'connections' in this world, you know."
The Dane folded his arms. "I know, but this is important. Just do it."
The next afternoon, Worldmage handed several parcels to the Dane and crossed his arms. "You know, it was right around the time those ninjas started attacking me that I realized you could have gotten all of this for yourself tomorrow."
"Sucker!" The Dane stuck out his tongue.
Worldmage tensed up momentarily, then sighed and shrugged. "Well, at least it was interesting. And now you owe me a favor. And I got to go shopping for myself as well; look what I bought." He produced a small, rectangular cardboard box from his shopping bag. "It was really hard to find, and I kept getting funny looks from the shop owner while I was buying it, but I guess that's Japan for you."
The Dane's eye twitched. "What's it for?"
"Think of it as… protection. From boredom, if nothing else."
The Dane searched for words, and finally came up with "But WHY?"
"Can't you tell? Come on; you know what I think about Asuka. She's not just a cute girl and a powerful fighter; she's smart as well."
"What about her personality?" The Dane shuddered.
Worldmage assumed a 'macho' pose. "I can take it."
The Dane glanced nervously over his shoulder at Asuka, who was lounging on the sofa with a manga and a box of rice-crackers. "So, how are you going to ask her?"
"I'm not going to ask." There were steel and fire in Worldmage's eyes now. "I'm going to tell her. You know how Asuka goes for assertive men."
"That's dangerous, and you know it!"
"I don't care. It's been too long. If I don't get some soon, I won't be able to anymore. I'll get nervous and lock up, and that's fatal."
"Fine." The Dane shrugged and rolled his eyes. "I'll make sure you get a nice funeral."
With a snort, Worldmage stood straight and walked over to Asuka. He tossed the box down on the table in front of her with a flourish. When Asuka glanced up at him in surprise, he planted his feet and stood with arms akimbo. "OK, Soryu-san, let's go!"
She looked down at the box with narrowed eyes, then back up at the short, bespectacled foreigner. Then she shrugged and put down the manga. "OK," she said. "I guess it'll be worth a try, just to see if it's more fun with you than with Shinji."
The Dane facefaulted.
Later that evening, Shinji came out of the kitchen and informed The Dane that dinner was ready. "Can you tell the others?"
"Well, most of them." The Dane sweat-dropped and poked his index fingers together. "Asuka and Worldmage are still at it. I'm not sure they want to be disturbed."
Shinji face-faulted. "Still at it? How many times has it been, anyway?"
"Still their first." The Dane shook his head. "I must admit, they have excellent stamina. I'm not sure I could do it."
Rei appeared in the doorway. "I think it will be over soon."
The Dane turned to her. "How do you know?"
"I've been watching them."
Shinji's eyes bugged out. "I, ah, I didn't think that you were interested in that sort of thing, Rei." He clenched and relaxed his fists nervously for a moment, then: "I don't think I can keep up with Asuka. Will you show me how, Rei?"
"…Yes," replied Rei after careful consideration. "I shall ask Worldmage-san if I can borrow his chess set after dinner."
Meanwhile, Gendo was sitting in a dark room far below the surface of the Earth. Ritsuko was also sitting… you can decide where. But nothing interesting was going on; just some Fiendish Plans being made. That's all. Nothing to look at; certainly no plot points. Really. Please ignore Gendo's evil laughter… NO! Ritsuko joined in with the Naga laugh!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGH!
Authors' Notes: Sorry folks, that's all for now! We leave you with a slew of unanswered questions: what does The Dane want with those weird items from the list? Will Rei really teach Shinji how to play chess? Did Worldmage actually beat Asuka, like he wants to write? What are Gendo's plans concerned the newcomers? What is the question to the answer of the meaning of life?
We don't know. Sucks, don't it?
Naga is a character in the Slayers movies and OAVs. She has a VERY evil laugh. And that's the last reference we're going to explain for the rest of this godforsaken series.
Naga laugh: OHOHOHOHOHOHOHO! The heart of evil. Oh, the pain.