Disclaimer: Worldmage and The Dane don't own NGE, but they own themselves and are allowed to do whatever they want to with their bodies. Whether or not they make a profit out of that isn't even remotely NGE-related, save when female customers ask Worldmage to dress up like Gendo and—
Worldmage [yelling]: STOP!
The Dane [annoyed]: What?
Worldmage: What kind of an impression will that give our readers?
The Dane: That we're hot enough to make a worthwhile profit by selling our bodies and that you look like Gendo. You know that the Gendo thing especially is a chick-magnet. Women love bastards.
Worldmage [thoughtfully]: Well, it's not a negative factor—
The Dane [smugly]: And when I do my Kaoru impression—
Worldmage [nods sagely]: Right again.
The Dane: SO? Shall we just get on with it?
Worldmage [giving up]: Yeah, might as well.
Ducked-up SI part FREE, Or, 'How to Make Mary-Sue Scream for Mercy and Beg for More.'
Worldmage: That's a sick title. I can't believe I'm not changing it.
The Dane [whispering fiercely]: Get down! The setting needs to be announced!
The readers find themselves staring at a number of small black squiggles on a computer screen, which collectively represent the Katsuragi/Akagi household. A reality-rending screech is heard.
Misato [screaming and throwing things at The Dane]: YOU DRANK ALL OF MY BEER! WHAT ARE YOU; STUPID?
Rei: Evidence would suggest 'yes.'
Asuka: Heh. Hey, if you lose the attitude, Wondergirl, my offer to be friends still stands. Compared to these losers, you're a read badass.
Rei [puzzled]: What's wrong with my—
Asuka: Never mind!
Meanwhile, The Dane is fruitlessly trying to evade Katsuragi's wrath, but nevertheless finds the vixen Major straddling his chest, trapping his arms with her knees and is giving him the "typewriter-treatment" on the forehead with the blunt end of a spoon. However, she soon notices a stream of blood making its way out of the (un)fortunate man's nose. She looks down and realizes that she has forgotten that she wore a mini-skirt today. Blushing furiously, she smacks The Dane across the face, waking him up and bringing him back from fanboy wonderland.
Misato [angrily]: Hentai chikoushoume!
The Dane just lies there grinning lecherously as Misato storms out, stopping by her room to change into pants, then hurries down to the nearest convenience store to get a couple hundred gallons of beer.
Worldmage helps The Dane up and hands him a Kleenex. The Dane dabs at his face.
The Dane [in awe]: I've never had a nosebleed before—this is getting weirder and weirder.
Worldmage: Yeah, tell me about it. I was this close [holds up hand with index finger and thumb mere millimeters apart]... to facefaulting. I almost went SD.
The Dane [grinning]: You'd probably look like something from Dragonhalf. [Chuckles]
Asuka [exasperated]: What the hell are you two lizard-wankers talking about?
Shinji & The Dane: "Lizard-wankers"???
Worldmage [to self]: When did Asuka learn Briticisms?
Asuka [innocently]: Hey, I'm just practicing.
The Dane: Well, do that in your room. And don't steal my lines, you little ass.
Asuka [flirtatiously]: At least it's cute.
Rei: Why is everybody suddenly obsessed with—
Asuka leaves. Rei, Shinji, Worldmage and The Dane are left in the kitchen, wondering what the hell that was all about.
Worldmage [sarcastically, to Shinji]: I think you may be suffering from Tenchi syndrome…
Shinji: What?
Rei: "..."
The Dane: I seriously think that you need to begin to drink.
Yebisu Beer [pops in]: DRINK YEBISU BEER! PURSUING A MORE PERFECT, DRUNKEN WORLD! ^_^
Everybody sweatdrops. Even Rei, although hers is smaller than the others' are. Although, of course, we all know that size doesn't matter.
Worldmage [amazed]: When did this turn into an adfic?
The Dane: Don't ask. Just don't ask.
Yebisu grins and hands The Dane an enchanted bag of "Everlasting Lager" and does the merriest jig ever out of the fic. Everybody sweatdrops again, except for The Dane, who is busy sampling beverages from his newest toy.
The Dane [almost ecstatic]: YES! TUBORG, CARLSBERG, HEINEKEN, GUINNESS… [Tears of joy gush out of his eyes, making a puddle on the floor] I've been blessed! Look! Yebisu Beer!
Worldmage: That stuff is fermented LCL, you know…
The Dane mucks around in the bag a little, then lights up with a satanic smile that makes everyone back away a few paces. He fishes out a bong and a big bag of badass weed.
The Dane: Ahhh... sweet...
Worldmage smacks the base of his right palm against his forehead.
Worldmage: "His name was 'high-as-a-kite-Dane,' and all Hell came with him…" [mutters to self:] I just hope it's not still looking for me…
Shinji studies the odd contraption The Dane is holding.
Shinji: That looks familiar somehow…
The Dane: It's a bong. You put the weed in here, light it up, and puff your way into sweet oblivion.
Rei: I bet that's some good shit. Probably from Christania II or III—smells like 2015. That was a good year. [Stops and notices that everyone staring at her] ...um—whazzup?
The Dane: That was so freaky that even I'm not going to comment on it.
The group dissolves. No, not like in EoE. The group breaks up. The Dane scurries up to his room with the magical wonderbag. Shinji follows him closely before being whisked away and tied down behind the sofa by Ritsuko for further Detox. Rei takes off to her room, stopping only to snatch some matches from the box in the kitchen. Worldmage tries to find Asuka to discuss post-Second-Impact German culture and to lure her into either posing in her swimsuit or playing another round of chess, the latter being the more realistic of the two ambitions.
The day passes, Misato arrives home, and then more time passes. Today it is Ritsuko's turn to make dinner. She chooses a very conservative meal: take-out Ramen, nuked. Misato watches but does not help: when duties were assigned, it was agreed that she would NOT be allowed within range of a stove without proper supervision. It was also decided that The Dane should not be allowed to clean up, because of his constant insistence on trying out his so-called 'author powers'. The effects of his attempts had been unpleasantly similar to Urd's magic: boom, splat. Icky stuff all over the place. Or, in The Dane's case, an imploded vacuum cleaner.
Later, dinner is announced. With minimal fuss and bloodshed, the inhabitants of the house gather in the dining room. Ritsuko sets out food for her remaining twenty-four cats.
Meanwhile, at the table, The Dane is happily chowing away and fishes out yet another pair of Lagers from his satchel. One he gives to Misato, who has forgiven him somewhat. Though she's still a bit unhappy about the involuntary flash she gave him, the beer is quickly dissolving her animosity.
In contrast to The Dane's wild scarfing of all edible matter within range, Worldmage eats with quiet dignity. Asuka and Shinji form a parallel pair on the other side of the table; the German utilizing the Nordic "vacuum-cleaner" style of dinner etiquette while Shinji eats almost fastidiously. Rei is quietly working on her third helping.
Ritsuko says nothing; Misato pokes her food. All is quiet at the little table… until Asuka pipes up.
Asuka [jeering, sarcastic]: Whoa, are you pregnant or what, Wondergirl? Did Shinji-Baka finally gather the courage to "do you," and you got knocked up?
Asuka sees the stares Ritsuko and Misato send her and immediately sinks back into relative silence.
Asuka [to herself]: Between those two, I probably won't have a peaceful moment at all.
Rei just looks at Asuka for a moment, flashes a small and markedly cross-eyed smile, and returns her concentration to her food.
Later that evening, The Dane wanders into the study to find Worldmage deep in thought, sitting cross-legged on the desktop.
Worldmage: Do me a favor, OK? Call me a moron in three different languages.
The Dane: Moron! Dummkopf! Baka yarou! …Why?
Worldmage: Yebisu Beer appeared.
The Dane: Yeah. Man, that must have been the coolest thing that's ever happened to me!
Worldmage: We could have gone with him when he left, you know.
Dead silence.
The Dane: Fuck.
Worldmage: I know. [Sighs] But at least we know that there's an exit somewhere. I think it's obvious by this time that we're in some sort of narrative. So, all we need to do is look for a plot hole or other device that we can use to get out, and we're home free.
The Dane: That's good. Why the "doom and gloom," Mister "I'm an insane Kabbalist so I think I'll talk some poor Dane into helping me out with a spell I don't know how to cast"—?
Worldmage [annoyed]: I certainly hope that you remember the other parts as well. It's those that are bothering me. After all, if we can get in, it might just be an accident. But if they can get in too…
The Dane: They wouldn't have given me any problems. I can handle punks any day of the week and twice on Thursdays. Fists, knives, bricks, guns, rocket launchers: I could beat them all.
Worldmage: I know you can. But I'm not talking about the rabid panhandlers; I'm talking about the three women in the white unmarked van.
The Dane: You worry too much. You want to come try out my bag with me? You'll forget all that paranoia this fast [snaps fingers], and have a good time in the bargain!
Worldmage: No, you know how much I like gloomy introspection. Get thee gone.
(Even later that evening...)
The Dane lies on the couch. He finds that he is much more comfortable there than on his futon. So does Worldmage; they have regular fights over napping rights on the couch. So far, neither has come up with the idea to just ask Misato for another couch or some regular beds.
A shadow is seen slinking along the edges of a wall. It reaches the satchel that The Dane is holding.
The sleek, feminine figure crouches to get its hands on the satchel, but apparently the bothersome Dane won't let go.
The figure swears under its breath and tries to subtly pry the sleeping man's fingers loose.
Suddenly, a hand shoots out and grabs the figure's wrist.
The Dane [annoyed]: Give it up, Asuka.
Asuka [hypnotically]: It's just a dream, none of this is really happening. It's all a dream. You're back home in your own bed.
The Dane nods off, apparently affected by the hypnosis.
Asuka [amazed]: Wow! It really works...
Asuka now rips the satchel from The Dane's hands. He stops faking. He quickly grabs her, sits up and slings her over his knees.
The Dane: This is how impertinent children are taught their place in my homeland!
Asuka [screaming and struggling]: NO! HELP! I'M BEING VIOLATED! HELP ME, SOMEONE!
Misato comes out from her bedroom, rubbing her eyes and scratching her stomach.
Misato [yelling, half-asleep]: Stop making noise, Asuka. Shinji's asleep and I doubt that any of the others would fondle you in their sleep. Go to bed!
Misato trudges back into her bedroom and lies down to sleep.
The Dane grants Asuka one of his rare, but frightening, predatory grins.
The Dane: Belt or flat hand?
Asuka [gives up and mutters venomously through clenched teeth]: Belt. If you touch me with any part of your body, God help me, I'll bite it off.
The Dane [unbuckling]: Such a nasty girl. You DO need punishment.
[Fade out to smacks and grunts of pain.]
Lord, people, it's just a spanking. Get your minds out of the gutter.
The morning arrives on schedule at 6:42 as the sun peers over the horizon, decides that all is clear, and rises. Asuka is giving The Dane a deadly and venomous stare, which he ignores completely. She takes her breakfast standing up for some reason that the others are unaware of.
Pen-Pen waddles around, finally comfortable enough with the new surroundings to explore them.
Worldmage watches in amazement as the penguin walks over and holds out a flipper.
Misato [grinning]: He wants the stock indices. It's a morning ritual for him. You might want to get him a cup of coffee with that. Black. No sugar.
Worldmage complies and watches in amazement as Shinji silently gives the penguin a plate of herring.
Worldmage looks to The Dane who is staring oddly at the bird.
The Dane [in an undertone]: Did he just wink at me?
Worldmage: You know, he might be aware of the cult status he seems to have achieved within the NGE fandom…
The Dane: That's just too freaky.
Worldmage: Be that as it may be, but it may be.
The Dane glares at Worldmage who sits up straight and gestures as if checking points on his hands.
The Dane: Did that make sense even to you?
Worldmage: Um… no. Does it matter?
The Dane: No.
The others shake their heads and continue eating.
(Later, as the Children take off for school.)
Misato: Aren't you coming? You're gonna go to school with them.
The Dane: WHAT? No fucking way! I'm NOT gonna start over high school! Not after passing the hell year!
Worldmage: Same here. I'm not doing it.
Ritsuko: It's either that, or incarceration in NERV isolation cells.
Worldmage: You act like that would bother us.
Ritsuko: Fine. Incarceration in the Rei Room.
The Dane [puzzled]: Is that bad?
Ritsuko: They stare, you know. If anybody is foolish enough to enter the Room, each Rei stares at the unfortunate soul, following his or her every move. If you so much as twitch or draw breath, hundreds of red eyes will stare at the motion. And they never stop smiling. And they never stop giggling. Those horrible smiles; that hideous laughter…
The Dane + Worldmage [in perfect sync]: We'll get our stuff now.
They all arrive at school. The Dane is ridiculous in his school uniform, which is at least two full sizes too small. Worldmage managed to get a better fit, and is busily imagining that he looks sharp.
The Dane: Damn... I hate tight clothing. It's so hampering...
Worldmage just grins and hurries after Shinji. The Dane stops grumbling and follows as well.
The Sensei: It would seem that we have two teacher candidates in our class. They will be with us for an indefinite period as participants in NERV's private tutoring program.
The class falls silent as Worldmage and The Dane make their way up to the front of the class.
Worldmage [waves at the class and glances at his ID card to see what identity NERV has assigned to him]: Umm... hello, everybody. I'm... [Looks again] ...I'm Kimyouna Juboi. It'll be a pleasure working with you. I hope the feeling's mutual.
The Dane steps up, glances nervously at all the class and then at his ID card, and introduces his moniker as well.
The Dane: Greetings, I'm Kusanagi Tetsuo. I hope we'll all get along.
Touji [types a message to Kensuke]: Damn—so do I. But they both look like freaks to me!
Meanwhile the two 'teacher candidates' make their way to the back of the class and take their seats.
The Dane: I'm gonna have such a hoot.
Worldmage: I'm a bit apprehensive about this arrangement, though. What if we're required to teach for the benefit of our education?
The Dane [casually]: Wing it. I'm an expert at doing that. ~_^
Worldmage snorts and sits back in his chair, pulling out his laptop.
Worldmage [thinking]: This is gonna be a LONG day...
The Dane [thinking]: That guy sucks at teaching history. I already need a beer...
Worldmage [thinking]: Hey. I can read your thoughts!
The Dane [thinking]: Oh no! You haven't been reading them these last few hours, have you?
Worldmage [thinking]: You are a deeply twisted man. You're sick. Is stuff like that even physically possible?
The Dane [thinking]: She was very limber. [Chuckles] And I bet that one is too.
Worldmage [thinking]: I didn't know you'd take it THAT seriously when I said you could meet women in here.
The Dane [thinking]: Hey, I got a cool voice like Gendo; I look like a cross between this series' arts and some Masamune Shirow with a dash of Oh, My Goddess, and I can—
Worldmage [thinking]: I think the lunch break is coming soon. We can talk about this later— and trust me; we WILL talk about it… Hey, I think this means we're in a fic. Otherwise, I'd be hearing your thoughts on a sound track. God, I hope that if this is an anime, we got good seiyuu…
The Dane [thinking]: ...whatever...
Worldmage [thinking]: Don't you "Squall" at me!
The Dane [thinking]: Whatever, "Juboi-chan."
Worldmage [thinking angrily]: Do I look like I'm wearing a "lovely eyepatch"?
[---]
Thus, we leave our two heroes. Now that they seem fairly at home and now that they are attending school with the rest of NERV's kids, will they also pilot Evangelion? And how will that turn out? Finally, how will Asuka avenge the atrocity forced upon her?
The Dane's Author's Note: Well? How'd y'all like it so far? REVIEWS, PEOPLE, REVIEWS!!!!
Worldmage's Author's Note: Reviews: they do a body good.
[A horde of wombats stampede Worldmage into whimpering oblivion]
Worldmage: As ET once said: "Ouch."
The Dane: Great. That was so lame; now nobody will review.