Disclaimer: The honorable Dane and Worldmage are dead broke. If any fool should sue either of them anyway, then Bob shall visit upon the offender such plagues as to make him unwilling ever to eat tomato soup again, yeah. CUJO will be too good for him. Eat that!
SI Part Four, or, "How to make Mary Sue SUFFER!"
Setting: time varies, place varies, number of spikes sticking out of the wall is minimal.
First Setting: NERV central dogma, the bridge. As they usually do (albeit offscreen), people are sitting and doing nothing while they await the next Angel attack.
Gendo: I'm tired of waiting for these impertinent beasts...
Fuyutsuki: I'm sure that Major Katsuragi has a viable excuse for being late with the two new subjects.
Gendo [annoyed]: I was not referring to the new subjects.
Fuyutsuki: Oh...
At this moment, the two new 'subjects,' Worldmage and The Dane, enter the bridge, dressed in plug-suits.
Worldmage: Why haven't you pressed the switch yet?
The Dane: I hate tight clothes. I feel constricted. Why the hell do you think I wear baggy pants and oversized T-shirts all the time?
Worldmage: You have a point. But you should ready yourself.
The Dane [thoughtfully]: You know, if this world follows SI rules, which it may well, since we've been inserted, we should get our own Eva.
Worldmage: Yeah, right. Get a grip, baka, this is an involuntary SI, not a Mary-S... [Jaw hits floor as two new Eva are revealed]
The Dane [in an undertone, to Worldmage]: I told you so!
Worldmage [sarcastic]: Great! This probably means that something twisted will happen to us within the hour. An Angel will attack us, and we'll save all the other pilots after having miraculously acquired a synch ratio of 99.99% and then the NGE-chick of our choosing will fall into our arms, weeping and proclaiming her everlasting love… [clenches a fist] Dammit, I want to be in an artistic storyline!
The Dane: You know, I'm getting a bad feeling about this. What if this is the show?
Worldmage: Then we're SO—
The Dane: —Fucked.
Worldmage: Metaphorically, of course.
Gendo calls for the attention of the two new pilots by clearing his throat.
The Dane: Well, if it ain't old four-eye 'Gondo.' How's it hanging, homeboy? WHAAAZZUUUPP!
Gendo: Stop wasting my time, Gaijin!
The Dane: Have anyone ever told you that you have some seriously racist attitudes toward white people?
Gendo: Race is not my concern, Gaijin.
The Dane: You know I'm gonna whoop yo' ass if you keep doin' that!
Worldmage sighs and shakes his head, surreptitiously judging the distance to the nearest exit.
Gendo: Go ahead, Gaijin... [takes out pistol] Make my day. I just want you to ask yourself one question: Do you feel lucky? [Cocks the hammer] Well, do you... Gaijin?
Hyuga [mutters under his breath]: "Punk."
The Dane: You know I'm gonna get you one way or another... I hope for your sake that you're a light sleeper.
Gendo [smirking in that especially sinister way]: What? Are you going to attempt to harm me?
The Dane: Oh, goodness no, I won't harm you... but the donkey I'm hiring to rape you while you sleep will!
The 'bridge bunnies' giggle nervously, but are fall silent when they see the facial expression of an almost panicky Fuyutsuki.
Fuyutsuki [in an undertone]: Sir, I'm sure that he knows nothing of your aversion to mules.
Gendo: I was just a boy, Fuyutsuki-sensei. Just a boy.
Worldmage [whispering to The Dane]: That was WAY more information than I needed...
Gendo: I shall let it pass—this time. But if he ever says such a thing again, I shall have him put into the deepest, darkest, dankest pit in the world, where the flesh shall be flayed from his bones with a salted whip! And I shall personally wield the whip!
The Dane gulps.
Worldmage [thinking]: That should teach you caution.
The Dane [thinking]: You know I'm gonna put a beastie-porn movie with donkeys into his dresser drawer, eventually. As soon as I figure out where he lives.
Worldmage [thinking]: You never learn, do you?
The Dane: ~_^
They enter the containment cages to see the two new Eva.
Worldmage: If I were the lone author of this, I'd be ashamed of such a blatant Mary-Sue SI. Seriously, I'd really be sick of myself. I'd—
The Dane: You know I wrote this episode. Now shut up.
Worldmage: "..."
The Dane: You know I have an allergy towards Mary-Sues as well...
Worldmage: "..."
Asuka: Is there a point to all this nonsense?
Worldmage & The Dane: It's none of your business. It's an author thing!
Asuka: Idioten! Verdammte Dreckkopfen!
The Dane: You know that we both understand German, right?
Asuka: Yup.
Worldmage: So why— [pauses with a strange expression on his face, not entirely unlike that of someone who has just seen nude pictures of a very old man]… Never mind! [To The Dane]: If she keeps it up, I just may break down and psychoanalyze the girl to her face.
Shinji: You guys are weird. Sorry for being so blunt, but you really are.
Worldmage levels Shinji with the "Evil Editor Glare of Penultimate Authority."
Shinji [backing up]: Gomengomengomengomen!... I'msorrysosorry!
Rei [to Worldmage, with a tiny trace of anger in her eyes]: You should be gentler with Ikari-kun. He's very fragile—like glass.
Worldmage [scratches back of head]: Where have I heard that before?
The Dane whispers something to his companion, who pales noticeably.
Rei: Is something wrong, Worldmage-san?
Worldmage [sweating]: No, no—nothing at all.
At this point, Ritsuko enters the Cage and coughs for attention. She indicates a white Eva with UN symbols and round blue patches on which are stenciled a shield bearing the Danish royal flag, a sword on top of the shield and a laurel wreath encircling it all. Words are written in Danish and in English: For Freedom in Peace. Instead of the standard mask, it is wearing a barbut helm with a y-shaped opening in the front. Red eyes and an insane grin can be seen dimly through the opening.
Ritsuko: Unit 6 21 11 here was built by the EDs—that is, the Exile-Danes. I don't know why they named it "Unit 6 21 11," though.
The Dane: That's numerological language for FUK... it's a Danish thing, though.
Misato + Ritsuko: FUK?
Misato: What the hell's that supposed to mean?
The Dane makes a fist, then extends his little finger (also known as the 'pinky') and says:
The Dane: FUK!
Everyone just stares at him as he saunters to the entry plug of his Eva, still chortling.
Ritsuko: Whatever...
She then indicates Worldmage's Eva, Unit En Sof Minus One: a hundred-foot-tall lump of clay.
Worldmage: Niiiice… [inspects the left hand] Ohhh, it's even certified by the Union of Orthodox rabbis! [Looks up] But what's that tube sticking out of the top?
Ritsuko: Breathing tube. It's an Eva built into a golem. The back of the neck opens up for entry plug insertion. I don't see how the clay can be so flexible, though. This thing ought not to be able to walk.
Worldmage [rapidly scanning through rabbinical writings]: Why not?
Ritsuko: Blah, blah, blah. Yak, yak, and yak. Techno-nerd babble; wark, wark. Snarf, gargle yurf blæggieanløgf hampen-gluff!
After pausing to glance at each other with wide eyes, the newcomers enter their Eva and are shuttled to the surface for rudimentary training.
Worldmage: Hey, this isn't as hard as I expected.
The Dane: Perhaps that's because you haven't even started to move yet.
Worldmage: Left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot, right—damn!
Suddenly Worldmage and his Eva go SD and sweatdrop. An unsettling sight if ever there was one.
The Dane: You do realize that you just—
Worldmage: SD. Yes, I am painfully aware of that.
On the other end of the comm. line in the control center, Asuka and Shinji begin to chuckle. The Dane joins in.
The Dane [laughing his ass off]: Sorry, dude. But this is just too fucking precious. It's a real Kodak moment.
Worldmage and his Eva quickly revert, and their eyes begin to glow with an ugly red color.
The Dane: Hey, now you look like unit 02. Great imitation. Hey, check out mine :_: [the Eva bends over, leans up against a building, holding its stomach, trembling and roaring with unholy laughter]
Everyone sweatdrops.
[Inside NERV]
Maya: MAKE IT STOP! PLEASE, MAKE IT STOP!
The rest of the 'bridge bunnies' are in various states of disarray and fear.
Misato [covering her ears]: That has got to be the most awful sound in the world.
Gendo: Good God, Fuyutsuki. What have we created?
Fuyutsuki: I believe it has already been noted that the EDs built that one.
Gendo: Figures.
Meanwhile, the original three Eva have also been sent to the surface, in order to 'pacify' the other two if such a thing should become necessary.
Rei: I believe I am frightened.
Shinji: Asuka, before I die, I just want you to know that I love you.
Asuka: WHAT? What are you talking about? Baka!
Shinji's Eva points up to where an Angel is descending toward the hills just outside of Tokyo-3.
The Dane's Eva also looks up and stops laughing.
The Dane [to Worldmage]: I told you so!
Worldmage: I'm going to have to hurt you if you don't soon stop saying that. Goy!
The Dane: I—
Worldmage: —resent that! I know. Now shut up and grab a weapon.
The Dane snorts and turns towards the Angel.
The Dane: I'm just gonna test a theory I have.
The Dane walks up to the Angel. It's a big, nasty thing resembling the shadow of an Eva, or just a completely black Eva without eyes, mouth or any other features.
The Dane: KYOKUSHIN KI-BAGSLAM!
Makoto: "Bagslam?"
Without warning, The Dane's Eva launches a hyper-speed kick to the Angel's groin area. The impact is followed almost instantly by a white flash and a resounding boom from the breaking of the sound barrier. The Angel rises gracelessly into the air, rockets up to nearly a mile off the ground and lands on its knees—which are driven up through its shoulders by the impact.
The Dane turns, claps his hands as if to dust them off, then as an afterthought turns again to face the Angel. After extending his fist with pinky raised, he activates his Eva's external speakers.
The Dane: FUK! You motherless piece of lizard shit! Fuck you and the fatherless goat who gave birth to you! May a thousand rabid water voles rape you throughout eternity! Ok, boys and girlies, it's all yours.
The three pro Eva pilots close in and take turns bashing the Angel into dust.
Worldmage: A ki attack? How?
The Dane: Most kyokushin fighters use ki-attacks. We shout "kiai" when we launch a powerful move, which theoretically gives the blow more power. I just figured that since we're in an anime universe, we'd be able to take it a bit further.
Worldmage: So—that means that we're in the series or what?
The Dane: You tell me. I actually expected to get smacked silly by that freak.
Worldmage: Hey, does this mean that I'm expected to take down the next one?
The Dane: You don't even have to ask.
[Back at NERV base]
Fuyutsuki: An Eva capable of ki attacks paired with someone who is capable of initiating them… what should we expect from the Kabbalist?
Gendo [darkly]: The worst. Always expect the worst.
[Back at the Katsuragi/Akagi household]
The Dane: Sensei?
Ritsuko: Hmm?
The Dane: Why do you bleach your hair?
Ritsuko: I don't know what you're talking about.
The Dane: You know, it'll turn green if you do that too much.
Ritsuko: WHAT?
The Dane: Yup. It happened to a friend of mine once. She looked totally idiotic with this hideous green hair. Really nasty color, too...
Ritsuko excuses herself and hurries out of the room. A moment later, Kaji enters with a smug grin plastered all over his face.
Kaji: Well, well. Who have we here? Welcome to NERV, my little friend.
The Dane: "Little friend" my ass. If I may inform you, this year in my own timeline I would really be 33 or 34 now, so don't you "little friend" me—kiddo. I could be your older brother.
Kaji: Except you're not. Boy.
The Dane [switching tactics]: So. Who'd you get laid by? That smug grin tells everything except the name of the (un)lucky girl.
Just then, a hurried motion catches his eye. He turns to see… Maya, hurrying out the back door, adjusting her hair and mini-skirt. The Dane's eyes almost pop out of his skull as he super-deforms.
The Dane: HER? Man, you MUST be in need of a woman...
Kaji [grinning jauntily]: You don't know how dexterous she is. She can do the most amazing things. I swear, she had me—
The Dane [swiftly]: THANK YOU! I don't need all of that information. God, I know someone just like you in my world. I wonder if they cloned him to create you. You look and talk like him, and you have the same drive... or maybe you ARE him.
Kaji: I don't know what you're talking about... [Hurries out]
Worldmage enters, with his now-customary bowl of ramen in his hands.
Worldmage [through a mouthful of noodles]: Wha wah zahd all abaud?
The Dane: Can't you finish eating before you start to talk? Damn.
Worldmage [shaking his head]: Mmno.
Suddenly he becomes perfectly motionless, head cocked to one side. After a while his eyes widen slightly. His hands grip the bowl until his knuckles go white.
The Dane [puzzled]: Whassa matter?
Worldmage [slowly]: Don't you feel it?
The Dane: No, not unless by "it" you mean "horny." I have half a mind to— what is it?
Worldmage: I'm sensing a great and terrible evil, approaching rapidly from the sea. It's not a big tough destructive evil, nor an insidious psychological evil. It's one of those happy squishy evils that giggles as it does terrible things involving membranes and tentacles and mason's putty. The kind of sinister evil that just plain enjoys being evil, slimy, and delightfully Freudian. Heh, heh, heh, heh, heh.
The Dane [sweating]: You're really getting into this, aren't you?
Worldmage: Um, no. Not at all. I think I'll take a walk now. [Leaves.]
Asuka enters the room, wearing a normal shoe on her left foot, and a steel-tipped army boot on the other.
The Dane: (this is getting weirder and weirder.) Okay, Mädchen, what's the mismatched footwear for?
Asuka: do you remember how you spanked me last night? Do you remember how you made me feel like a little child, helpless in the face of your manly fury? With your rippling muscles and forceful masculinity?
The Dane: Um, yeah…
There is a brief flurry of motion. A few seconds later, The Dane is in a fetal position on the floor, his face locked into a grimace of agony.
Asuka: Try and be manly NOW, verdammte Arschloch! Humiliate ME, will you?
The Dane: [makes a noise reminiscent of a baby rabbit's death-scream, only quieter]
Asuka: OK, we're even now.
She leaves. After a cautious silence, Shinji emerges from his "detoxification room" behind the sofa. He walks over to The Dane and helps him to the sofa, where he sets him down gently.
Shinji: You got off light, you know. I think she likes you. After all, she didn't kick you while you were down. [Pauses] I'll get you some ice. [Leaves]
The Dane: I'm… going… to… kill… her…
[======]
The Dane: STOP! What the FUCK was that all about?
Worldmage: She needed to get back at you, and I thought that this would be an IC way for her to do it. Not to mention, it's poetic justice after what you did to those guards.
The Dane: Alright… I'm OK with getting kneecapped. Or she can hammer my toes or break my fingers one by one. Hell, she could even slice open my belly and pour in a bag of salt, but I will NOT get bag-slammed by her!
Worldmage: Seriously, it's fiction.
The Dane: I'm sorry, it's a Danish thing.
Worldmage: You use that excuse a lot, you know?
The Dane: Let's make a deal. I already have one smashed knee. She can do the other one.
Worldmage: Are you sure? This could put you out of commission for a long time.
The Dane: At least I'll still be able to talk in a normal pitch...
Worldmage: Ok, kneecaps it is, then. [Taps furiously on keyboard] But don't tell me I didn't warn you…
"The Dane never saw the smack coming and suddenly his..."
Worldmage: Which knee was already busted?
The Dane: Left one.
Worldmage: Okay. [Resumes writing]
"...right kneecap is shattered.
Asuka snatches the magical bag the Dane had gotten and grins as she takes off.
Asuka: That ought to teach you never to meddle with your betters. ~_^
The Dane: Pain... give me... bag... Ow... (Dammit!)
Shinji dials for a NERV ambulance to come collect The Dane and shakes his head.
Shinji: You got off easy... she must really like you. I'll get some ice."
[…]
Meanwhile, Worldmage is striding purposefully through downtown Tokyo-3. With a grim and determined expression, he walks up the main avenue. He turns right, travels two blocks, waits at a stoplight, turns left, travels another block, and ends up in front of a high-rise mall. He notes the street address and slips down a dark alley. He travels three blocks north and four west, then five in a north-by-northwest sort of direction. Vector addition is fun. Worldmage is lost.
That doesn't matter very much, though. He has lost not only himself, but also all but one of his pursuers. He pauses to idly window-shop, apparently not realizing that the object of his attention is a lingerie store. Without turning, he speaks to the shadow that has been following his odd meanderings.
Worldmage: Put the safety back on, Rei-san. I just want to talk.
Rei: What about?
Worldmage: If I paid you a lot of money, would you wear that? [Gestures towards something insanely frilly and sickeningly pink]
Rei: There is only one person in this world for whom I would wear that. Ikari-kun. And even he would have to pay me at least enough to buy it.
Worldmage: "In this world," hmm? [He turns] What about in your home-world… Arimi-san?
"Rei" [gasping in shock]: What? How did you—?
Worldmage: It was obvious. First, the real Rei wouldn't be allowed even to think about pot, because of the danger it would pose to Instrumentality. You may have fooled The Dane into thinking that you were just being delightfully OOC to introduce humor, but I've studied you more than he has. And second, this morning for breakfast you ate three jars' worth of marmalade on burnt toast.
"Rei": Maybe I just like the bittersweet taste. Maybe it reminds me of love.
Worldmage: You're just digging yourself in deeper, you know. Admit it. We can be on the same side, if you'd just trust me. The Dane and I—we're from outside too.
Arimi [defeated]: OK. I don't even know how I got here; I was just taking a walk with Ginta in the park, when we ran across this girl who looked exactly like me. She was naked. When she saw Ginta, she said something about "security breach" and hit him with a hexagonal force field. [A tear runs down her face.] So… so I pulled out my Glock and shot her three times in the head. But he… he was already dead.
Arimi has dropped to a kneeling position with her hands over her face. Tears run out from between her fingers, dropping to the street below. Her shoulders shake.
Arimi [voice trembling]: He… his entire body was… ruptured… I didn't know what to do! All I could think of was to impersonate her! I… I… [Her voice trails away into an unintelligible whimper]
Worldmage: Are you okay? [Leans closer]
Arimi [suddenly recovering]: Just fine, jerk-off! [She smashes one fist into his neck, slamming him back into the shop window, stunning him momentarily. She pulls out a gun and aims it at his chest.] Bastard. Nobody's going to stop my mission, especially not a wuss-fanboy like you!
There is a sudden screech of tires. Arimi's body travels fifty feet through the air, bounces three times, and finally comes to rest on top of an evil little dog named "Fifi." The dog is killed on impact. Arimi twitches, then struggles to her feet. She raises her gun and draws a bead on the driver of the white van that struck her: a rather annoyed-looking woman wearing black shades and a leather bodysuit.
The old woman who owned the dog beats Arimi into a bloody, lifeless pulp.
The van's driver swears while her two companions open the side-door and leap out.
Driver [in Russian]: I can't believe that bitch! She shoved him out of the way just before we could take care of the damn Zhid {translation: Yid} once and for all!
The two other women, dressed similarly (all of them look like escapees from The Matrix) look around, but Worldmage has disappeared.
Commando1 [also in Russian]: Damn. Well, there's always later. And if we can't find him soon, we can always whack that Scandinavian meddler. He's the second target on our list.
Commando2 [in Swedish]: What are we looking for? A spoon? There is no spoon.
The other two stare at her for a full thirty seconds.
Commando2: What? It's Japan. They eat with chopsticks!
Commando1: Come on. Let's get out of here before NERV security shows up. We don't want to have to kill them too.
The van drives away. Meanwhile, several hundred meters below, a visibly shaken Worldmage is entering the Geofront. He checks his watch repeatedly as he hurries to the elevator… punches in the level and floor choice… waits… waits…
Worldmage: Damn these elevators. They're so slow! They just have to travel eighty floors on average, right?
Finally, the thing arrives and whisks him down to Cage #pi, just before the Angel Alarms start sounding.
[Deep in Terminal Dogma]
Gendo: Damn. I think we're going to have to haul out another spare Rei.
Ritsuko: Put your pants back on, first. I hate the way those things stare.
Gendo: I think it's kinda kinky.
Authors' Notes: Worldmage, against both of our better judgements, has added some serious elements and a pitiful attempt at a plot. Just in case you're interested, though (read as: have nothing better to do with your time), there will probably be another chapter, in which more meaningless garbage just happens. The only question is, "when Worldmage effortlessly defeats the most dangerous Angel yet, will the readers finally kill him for actually using such a disgusting plot point?"
The Dane: Not if I get to him first…
Worldmage: This SI was your idea.
The Dane: So? The man with the biggest gun is always right.
Worldmage: It's not the size that counts, it's what you do with it.
The Dane: It shoots people!
Worldmage: "…"