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Extraordinary SI, Part SIX: "How to Make Mary-Sue Soup"
The setting was an abandoned street corner in Tokyo-3. Worldmage was bleeding heavily. The Dane was in a wheelchair, waiting for his kneecaps to finish growing back. It was about tea-time. The sun was shiny. God was taking a coffee break, and all was screwed-up with the world.
"Well," said Worldmage, holding his side. "I never been gut-shot before. I wondered what it felt like." He coughed up some blood, for dramatic effect.
The Dane cocked his head to one side. "So, what does it feel like?"
"It sucks major arse. Anytime you want we should go to hospital is fine by me."
The Dane was startled. "Dude, you swore! And you're lapsing into dialect! You're hurt bad!"
"Shut up." They left.
One of the commandos sat up, blinked, and looked around. "Girls," she announced in Russian, "we been disrespected. It's time to go back to HQ and figure out how we can kill these freaks before they get themselves killed and we lose the satisfaction of torturing them."
Her companions struggled to their feet as well. Within the body of each, millions of nanobots worked to repair their damaged tissues. Within a minute, they were well enough to get back into their van and drive away. There was not a single sign of the trouble that had occurred… except for bullet-holes in the walls, and casings everywhere, and big smears of blood. But other than Tanaka Taro-san, who slipped in one of the puddles, nobody was inconvenienced.
…
It has been noted, by people unfortunate enough to have met him in person, that Worldmage generally does not shut up once he starts talking. It is a little-known fact that his being unconscious only makes this worse. Thus it was that, after fainting during his Dane-powered wheelchair trip to the NERV infirmary, Worldmage was babbling like a loon.
"It's like, wow: I've never been gut-shot. It's not like I was thinking about that, you know, although I have thought it on occasion, like after that one time I got shot but it wasn't a gut-shot, but I wasn't thinking about that today. I was just, like, you know, calling a friend of an acquaintance of something I saw on the Net one day, and I liked it. Did you know about the amazing world of Net-comics? I stayed up all night reading them once. And now it's 1:00 am and I'm writing about them! But anyway, I was calling up a bodyguard and then the van pulled up and nearly hit me but I dodged with my fencing skillz and all that, but then they jumped out and then ruriquake arrived just in time and there were bullets everywhere and The Dane was going "heftig!" around the corner, and I got confused. And I'm still confused. And HELLO! Dr. Akagi, are you going to do surgery on me? I've been surgerized a couple times before, but 'surgerized' isn't a real word so I haven't really…."
Ritsuko turned to The Dane and spoke over Worldmage's monologue. "If I find out that this is because you've been giving him drugs, rather than his being in a state of shock, I will have you taken out and shot. Multiple times. In very unpleasant places."
"Whatever, doc." The Dane grinned back. "If he says anything about girls, write it down so I can use it against him in our next argument." Then he dumped Worldmage and left.
Ritsuko stared at the damaged fanboy, who was now lecturing the floor about the not-nice-ness of being cold and hard. She sighed. It was going to be a long day.
…
The next day, The Dane had come to a decision. Worldmage had been returned home on a catheter and IV drip, still mumbling about fish sticks. Something needed to be done. Something more effective over the long run than duct-taping the poor guy's mouth shut, that is. (That's what Asuka had done after he started hitting on her.)
The Dane stood, propped heavily on crutches, in the middle of the study. The room was generally only used by him and Worldmage, especially after the "Vanilla-Cream Pudding Incident." A seven-pointed star had been painted on the floor with three kinds of blood, and a pendant of a five-pointed star, made from one kind of metal, hung from his neck. He was chanting in a strange language, one that had been dead for many years, one that had been spoken in ancient Sumer.
He was calling a mighty demon, one that would probably test his magical strength to its limits, but the demon-lord would provide him with all the information he needed. He had used several protective spells taken from both the Necronomicon and the Keys of Solomon. He spoke the final phrase of the summoning spell, using the language he wanted the demon to understand his commands in.
"I thus call thee forth, oh dark lord of the abyss! Heed me and COME!" He clapped his hands together, accompanied by a peal of thunder. A rift began to form in the air.
Down in central dogma at NERV, they were going berserk because of the unknown energy-flux. But you know, they never, ever, ever figured it out! HAHAHA!
The Dane grinned evilly and took off the hood of his gray robe as he flopped back into his wheelchair. He studied the portal intently while reviewing several attack spells he had memorized long before. Then the rift stopped shifting, and out stepped—
A kid with horns. It seemed to be a boy of about fourteen or fifteen years. His features were vaguely Caucasian. He had two little curved horns and a dimpled face that might have been cute while smiling, but which was now marred by an angry scowl. "One word about my size and you're toast, human!" the demon-kid snarled.
The Dane grinned and summoned a ball of lightning with a motion of his hand. "First of all, I am the summoner, so you will NOT speak to me that way or in that tone of voice. Second of all, I don't care what size you are, even though you are surprisingly little. As long as you can give me the information I need, I don't give a shit."
The little demon growled but fumed in impotence rather than trying to rend The Dane's soul. "I'm just filling in for my dad, so I don't think I'll be of that much assistance," the kid mumbled.
"How do my friend and I get home?" The Dane asked. The demon shrugged.
"Be damned if I know—" he looked down at his cloven hooves and scratched the base of his horns, grinning. "—But then again, I'm already there. But I don't know… actually, I'm surprised that your spell worked at all. There's not much magic in this world—!" Suddenly the demon-kid snapped around, just as the portal through which he had been pulled, flashed shut. His shriek shook the house.
"NOOOOOOO!" He turned again, pointing an accusing finger at The Dane. "This's all your fault; you tricked me! I'm gonna kill you!" He shot a ray of light, capable of disintegrating a tank, towards The Dane… who just grinned as his shield-spell absorbed the magic with barely a flicker. He raised the hand with the ball of lightning.
"That's gonna hurt, right?" the little demon whimpered. The Dane smiled so evilly that even the demon was scared. It's nice to cut loose and cause some real damage every now and then…
Worldmage, now untaped and relatively coherent, was playing chess with Asuka when a mighty boom shook the house. Again. Curses shouted in a child's voice were heard.
"Do you think he turned himself into a kid?" Asuka asked Worldmage, who shook his head.
"No. Had he done that, we would have to plug our ears or do something violent to him to make him shut up because of the foul obscenities." Worldmage sat still, listening carefully. "But maybe—NO!" He sprang out of his chair and hurried as quickly as his stitches would allow towards the room that The Dane had barricaded himself into.
As he reached the door, The Dane opened it to exit. Worldmage could not help but notice his gray robes, or the cloven hooves and horns of the childlike thing slung over his shoulder.
"What have you done," Worldmage growled at The Dane with a dangerous note in his voice. "That's the spawn of a major demon lord you've got there, if I'm not mistaken. And I'm not."
"Help me take this little piece of shit to my room," The Dane snapped back. Worldmage decided that it would be better to distract Asuka, and did so until his fellow author called for him.
"Ok, I want an explanation now!" Worldmage was clearly distraught over his friend's behavior.
"Alright. You know I said I had a plan. Do you remember those things I asked you to get for me?" The Dane spoke quietly, as if to pacify a rabid animal.
"Yeah, yeah. Get to the point," Worldmage grumbled.
"Those were items used in the summoning of a demon lord of the sixth abyss of Hell. I had planned on getting him to help me." The Dane fiddled nervously with his fingers, so he didn't notice the sudden widening of his companion's eyes. "But apparently, the demon lord was out and had put his son in charge of watching over the matters that needed tending to."
"So, we now have the child of a greater demon lord in our custody," Worldmage said flatly, resuming his usual composure.
"Yes," The Dane said. "But I wouldn't worry about him causing any mischief. It seems that all magic is relatively weak here, so he shouldn't be a bother."
Worldmage gave The Dane a disgusted look. "Listen to yourself," he snapped, then mimicked his friend's voice. "'He shouldn't be a bother.' NOT! He LIVES to be a bother! It's a demon-child we're talking about!" Worldmage was obviously miffed.
"I'll take that as a sign of disapproval of the current situation." A young voice cut through the discussion. Worldmage and The Dane snapped about to see the kid sitting cross-legged and regarding them with obvious contempt. The Dane motioned as if to summon up a spell once more, but was halted by Worldmage.
"It seems that we're all in the same boat here. If we somehow can find a way home, we'll be glad to assist you." The little demon snorted at Worldmage's proposal.
"HA! When my father comes home and finds me gone, he shall call upon his legions of dog-faced demons and devour your souls!" The demon-kid turned his head and crossed his arms over his chest.
"No, he shan't," The Dane said to the little demon matter-of-factly, "he can't visit a world this far removed unless summoned to it, or unless there's an open portal handy. And it seems that my companion and I are the only two magic-users in this entire world, and the only relevant portal has closed. So your threats are an exercise in futility."
"Actually—" said Worldmage.
"WHAT!" The demon facefaulted. "You KNEW that, and summoned me ANYWAY?"
The Dane gave the demon an evil grin. "I'm a sorcerer, magus, and conjuror of the Second Order. I know such things."
The demon blanched. "Second Order? Shit… that's why you were able to summon the elemental force necessary for a lightning ball." Suddenly a light bulb appeared over its still-SD head.
"OK, spawn, what's the bright idea?" asked Worldmage.
The demon was surprised. "What, are you psychic?"
"No, I'm psychotic. And you're still SD." Worldmage pointed sardonically at the light bulb.
The demon reverted faster than it took Shinji to snap while sitting in an Eva cockpit, and explained his idea to the two magicians.
Meanwhile, in a room under Central Dogma in NERV, Gendo and Fuyutsuki were poring over the spellbook Worldmage had brought with him.
"This is incredible! All this will assist us greatly in our endeavors," Fuyutsuki breathed in amazement.
"Yes," Gendo agreed, obviously apprehensive. "However, I cannot shake the feeling that something is wrong, somewhere in the city…"
"WHAT?!" Asuka's scream nearly shredded the eardrums of all people within 10 kilometers. The Dane, the demon, and the dork (Worldmage) winced.
"I said, he's a relative of mine. Apparently, he found out where I'm living and decided to come visit for a while." The Dane cast a sideways glance at the little demon, which had transformed into human form. "Dennis" now resembled a boy of fifteen or sixteen years.
"Greetings. I am Dennis. It is a pleasure to be acquainted with the illustrious Mistress Langley. Word of your great skill has spread like fire on the Jutlandic heath." The demon recited the exact words that The Dane had told him to. It had been a long argument, but this introduction was designed to divert Asuka's attention and wrath. And since she was the most intelligent member, after Ritsuko, of the Katsuragi/Akagi household, it was vital that she was ignorant of some of the things that went on. Now that she was mollified, all they needed was something to take Ritsuko's attention off the demon, and things would be much easier.
"Well," Asuka grinned, "it's good that you know your place. Your elder relative could learn from your example." She patted the demon on the shoulder and turned away after winking at him. "The only permanent rules in this house are 'knock before you go into the bathroom,' and 'no free peeks.' Remember that and you'll be fine." Then Asuka swaggered away.
"What a tease." The demon was on the verge of drooling.
Worldmage whapped him over the head. "Get a grip," he said sternly. "This isn't Urotsokidöji, so you'll keep your paws off the females!"
Dennis grinned, well, demonically. "You know, my uncle was actually in Urotsokidöji. He told me about it in the days before some thrice-cursed Hebrew warrior slew him."
"About Asuka…." The Dane leaned over to Dennis and whispered something in his ear.
"Ouch…." The demon paled. "She'd really do that to me?"
"Yup. Without a moment's hesitation, and probably even if she knew what you were," The Dane said gravely. "In fact, if you get off THAT easy, you'll be lucky."
The demon went very pale and silent, simply asking for his room. The Dane took him there.
Worldmage was making supper. The household was having potatoes au gratin with steak. Rei had agreed to try eating the meat if hers was well done, so that was #1 on Worldmage's to-do list.
"Whaddaya doin'?" Dennis was looking curiously at the strange human customs being performed in front of him.
"I am making supper," Worldmage stated with a sideways glance at the demon. "Don't your people eat supper? I know that you need sustenance."
Dennis shrugged. "I do not believe that I've given it much thought. I just devoured whatever was within my reach. A lizard here, a cow there, a mouthful of human flesh for a snack…. I mean, I never considered cooking the stuff I ate. Maybe that would be worth a try some time."
Worldmage forced a chuckle and shook his head. "You should try having supper with us. I can explain table manners to you before we start." The demon nodded at Worldmage's suggestion.
"Sounds great to me. Can I sit next to the redhead?" Dennis smiled innocently. Unfortunately, he also showed off his three-centimeter-long incisors.
"First, I think you'll want to do something about the teeth," Worldmage remarked dryly.
Dennis grinned even wider. "But do I get to sit next to the redhead?"
Worldmage suddenly grinned back with a feral look in his eyes. "No! You get to sit between the neurotic kid with the annoying voice, and the albino. And if you unduly disturb either of them, I'll pull your True Name out of your scrawny arse and bind you forever into the nasal cavities of a congested sea turtle!"
Dennis growled and went to find somebody more fun.
"What?" Shinji looked up from his SDAT introspection.
"I said that a relative is staying over for a few days," the big Norseman said, with an obvious edge to his voice.
"I did not know you had any relatives in this world, Dane-san," Rei remarked.
"Well, neither did I," snapped The Dane. "But nevertheless, he's coming to stay and it would be rude to turn him away."
Rei cocked her head in thought. "I believe you are right, but was it not rude of your young relative to arrive unannounced?" she asked.
"Yes, but it would be even more rude of us to turn away a visitor. I thought you Japanese were oh-so polite. I'm shocked, Rei." The Dane put as much shock into his voice as he could, and was rewarded as Rei's cheeks turned the slightest shade of pink.
"Gomen, Dane-san," she muttered. "But I have never been taught anything of manners. Ikari-shirei never meant that I should have need for them."
The Dane patted her on the shoulder. "Don't worry about it, I was just joking. At any rate, you're way more polite than the redheaded succubus." Rei blinked at him.
"What about you, Shin-man? You cool?" Shinji smiled absently and nodded at The Dane. "Sure. It'll be fun with another boy in the house." Shinji had no idea about what was in store for him.
-
The two Russian commandos looked at their Swedish colleague with massive sweatdrops hanging off the backs of their heads. This probably had something to do with the voodoo-doll she was furiously poking burning needles into while uttering oaths and curses in Swedish.
"Förbannade Danskjävel, skitstövel. Du skal dö, dit fan! Jävlar DANSKJÄVEL! HELVETE!"
Thus, the three Matrix-escapees proceeded with their plan. They would take out the Danish one first, eliminating the major threat while planning the demise of their true target.
—
Author's Notes: Whoops, things got more dangerous all of a sudden, didn't they? Will our heroes survive the plotting of the "Nanite Queen" commandos? What's going on in Gendo's head? (As if anybody can really answer that one!) AND WHAT ABOUT DENNIS? That kid is a Menace; that's what he is!