Disclaimer: "Whatever…"
Involuntary, Loopy SI part Sieben:
"Durrr…"
Dinner in any building containing Misato was never quiet. When Asuka, Shinji, Rei, Pen-pen, Ritsuko and her innumerable cats, Worldmage, The Dane, and the son of a greater demon-lord were thrown into the mix, well… let's just say that things didn't get any quieter. In fact, it would be fair to say that people had been moving out of the neighborhood for the past several weeks, for a multitude of reasons. One of the reasons was NERV's pilot-health standards.
"WHY CAN'T I HAVE A BEER?" Asuka and Dennis shouted in unison.
"Because," Misato growled, "Asuka, you're an Eva pilot, and Dennis, you're too young."
Dennis pointed an accusing finger at The Dane. "But he drank his first when he was thirteen!"
Misato shrugged. "Different times, different people. But I'm not gonna be responsible for any of you if you get drunk."
The Dane snorted. "You can't even be responsible for yourself after a couple of beers, Misato. Give the kid a beer and get it over with," he said with great irritation.
Misato leveled a venomous glare at him. "You know as well as I do that I can't give him a beer and let her have none. It's not fair." She pointed to Dennis. "Besides, he's YOUR responsibility!"
The Dane dropped a hand into his now ever-present bag of everlasting lager, took out a Heineken and threw it at Dennis. "Now I'M giving him a beer. Are you happy?" He took out a beer for himself, opened it and muttered into the can as he drank deeply. "That woman is simply insatiable; I'm surprised she can keep on being so self-righteous."
Worldmage leaned over and whispered to his compatriot: "Don't get her angry! She's already had seven beers, and there's no telling what she might do to you if you keep this up. And believe me: when she gets drunk, she WILL avenge herself on you or both of us somehow."
The Dane just grinned. "Yeah, right. If she incapacitates even one of Gendo's precious pilots, which now includes us, she'll get punished so badly that even Dennis would get sick."
Worldmage gave The Dane a long, steady look. "You know," the American said, "there're ways to avenge oneself grievously upon people without making them less useful as pilots. And who knows? It might even improve your synch ratio."
The Dane narrowed his eyes at that and popped out another beer. "Fine. I shan't say more to distress her tonight." The Norseman downed the beer and dug into his meal with a vengeance.
…
"You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me, motherfucker? I don't see any other Evas around, so you MUST be talking to me! Want some o' this, huh? HUH? WANT SOME O' THIS MOTHERFUCKER?! SHITLESS FUCK! BAMBAMBAM!" The Dane was busily pretending that he was Robert de Niro, standing in front of a mirror-glass building. Worldmage was trying to convince himself that this was all a bad dream. The other Evas were sweat-dropping. Ritsuko and Misato were trying hard to ignore the whole spectacle, as were the rest of the personnel assembled in Central Dogma. Thus far, it was a normal day at NERV circa 2016CE.
Today, Gendo was able to hold his cool for nearly ten minutes before he broke down and threatened to initiate Unit 6 21 11's self-destruct sequence—unless The Dane, or "Tetsuo" as he was officially known, ceased this ridiculous behavior. The Dane backed down, mainly because he found life more comfortable than death. He preferred the evil he knew over the evil he knew not.
"You know, that's gonna backfire on you one of these days," Worldmage said to The Dane over their private communications channel.
"Granted, but I'm having too much fun to stop right away." The Dane gave Worldmage a big SD-smile. Worldmage just rolled his eyes and turned off the intercom.
"Man," he muttered to himself, "he's getting far to comfortable in here." Worldmage sighed and concentrated on his AT Field. He found that doing matrix mathematics in his head helped a little, to the point where his Field could almost, but not quite, unfold.
Ya know, I could help ya wizzat. A voice resounded inside Worldmage's head.
"What? Who's there? What's going on?" He looked around in the plug.
Well, whaddaya think, ya schmuck? I'm yer Eva! The voice sounded irritated.
"Yeah, I guess I could have told myself that," Worldmage admitted. Then, "you know, you sound like you come from Jersey…." Worldmage was getting a little suspicious. "Is that you, Dennis?"
I'm not Dennis, ya putz! I sed, I'm yer Eva! The voice was obviously getting impatient.
"Well, I'd be happy if you could help me." Worldmage smiled and sat back.
Ok, kiddo, just siddown and take notes. The voice was now amused.
Meanwhile, The Dane was experiencing something similar.
You little fuck, you know you suck at this broke through The Dane's concentration.
"You sound just like my mother," the Norseman remarked sarcastically.
Though shit, but I'm your Eva, the voice snapped.
"Cranky, cranky. It must be true that Eva are female, you act like you're on PMS." The Dane chuckled at his 'joke' until an invisible force smacked against his face, jerking his head to the side and leaving the red mark of a woman's hand on his cheek.
That oughta fuckin' teach ya, the voice growled. The Dane raised his hand to the bruised cheek.
"Now you're behaving like my female cousin." He grinned. "When she's having her period—OW!" The force smacked him on the other side of his head, with the same effect.
"Now I'm pissed," The Dane growled. "I'm a mage, and I'm gonna find your soul and I'm gonna fuck it up, how's that for learning a lesson?" The voice just laughed in response.
Now, now. You wouldn't hurt the closest thing you ever had to a sister, now would you? the voice teased. The Dane's jaw went slack.
"It IS you! How the Hell did you get messed into this?"
The voice turned angry once more. Same as Yui and unit-01. I was testing this sucker and then I was absorbed. Then I found out YOU were the pilot. Aren't you a little too old for this behavior—and young for the year? The voice was more playful now.
"Well, yes I am. But I'm not here of my own will. A spell went wrong." The Dane chuckled. She's going to have a field day at this.
I told you so, you moron! I said: 'One of these days, that shit is gonna backfire on ya!' But would you listen to me? No~o! You knew it all; there were NO problems at all. You litt—
"I never cast any spell. It wasn't my fault," The Dane interjected. "So you don't have to go off on a field trip." He grinned. "And if I suck at casting AT Fields, then let's see you do it better." She had always been such a sucker for challenges.
Ok, you're on, bro'. The force within his plug ruffled The Dane's hair and took over the AT Field.
"Um, Sempai…" Maya Ibuki whimpered. Ritsuko went over to the tech and looked at her station.
"Incredible. Their Eva are generating AT Fields without help at all," Ritsuko breathed.
Misato groaned and put her head in her hands. "Why do these robots keep on doing stuff like that?" She took a gulp of her coffee. "Can't they behave like normal mechas?"
Ritsuko grinned at Misato. "If they behaved like normal mechas, we wouldn't stand a snowball's chance in Hell against the Angels," the now non-bleached scientist calmly remarked.
"I guess you're right, but I hate it when we're forced to use things that nobody really understands." Misato sighed. "I just hope that some day, they'll start to behave as they're told."
"The mechas or the pilots?" Maya asked.
"Yeah," said Misato with a smile.
…
The Dane was very silent all evening, even during dinner. It was unusual of him to be silent at all, especially while eating. Worldmage was about to explode. Well, not literally, but figuratively. All sorts of tensions were building up in him, and his fellow author's odd behavior didn't help any. Neither had the weird events earlier that day.
"So, did your Eva speak to you?" they both asked each other simultaneously.
"Yes. Odd, ain't it?" The Dane remarked. "I think that my female cousin is in there."
Worldmage shrugged. "Well, at least you have an inkling as to who or what lurks in your plug. All I know is that mine sounds like an old-style Jewish yenta from somewhere deep in Jersey."
The Dane chuckled. "Well, I'm gonna try and speak to her the next time I'm in there. I'm very curious as to how the hell she got in. But just to be sure, I'm gonna test whatever's in there. She speaks a rare dialect of Danish, so I should be able to identify her by speaking our language."
Worldmage looked at The Dane blankly for a moment. "Whatever… I think I'm going to go think a little now."
"Hard for you, is it?"
"Shut thy mouth, and plague me with thy babbling no more."
Worldmage went into the study, which he had ritually cleansed after the demon summoning, and closed the door. Then he locked it. Then he pushed the desk in front of it. He turned out the lights, put in a pair of earplugs, and closed his eyes. Meditation is difficult for the easily distracted.
He tried the best he could to recall any spell; even the most useless ones might be useful to him in his present situation. He strained his thoughts and focused on the lone flicker of a candle in the middle of the dark room. Suddenly, after nearly an hour, a spell popped into his head.
"YES! I DID IT!" he yelled in ecstasy. And once again, he commenced the Mathematician's Happy Dance. Two more of Ritsuko's cats died in the resulting chaos.
Asuka wondered what her opponent's next move would be. She looked at her cards; she was in a very good position here. It was time she called his bluff. "I see you and I raise with two pieces of clothing." She smiled mischievously.
"You do realize that it will leave you with only your undergarments if you lose," her opponent warned.
"Yes, but it's worth it," Asuka replied. "It's just like life: one big gamble."
Dennis chuckled as he magically changed the cards in his hand to four aces and a jack.
Asuka chuckled as she slipped a joker out of her bra, completing the set with the three aces already in her hand. She then carefully discarded the eight it had replaced into her shoe.
They both grinned, simultaneously throwing down their hands—and then simultaneously facefaulting as they realized that they had virtually the same cards.
"You're cheating! Pervert!" they yelled in unison. Then they both left the room in a huff.
Worldmage was on his way to The Dane's room as the "red demon" and the demon-spawn stormed to their respective rooms, slamming the doors. He just shrugged.
"Whatever…."
As Worldmage neared The Dane's room, he was almost startled by a sudden roar of laughter. He opened the door to find a massive pile of Cola, Bacardi, and beer bottles and cans, flanking The Dane and Misato. In front of them was a smaller but still sizeable stack of videocassettes, mostly along the lines of "Slayers" and "Dragonhalf," and beyond that a TVCR that had apparently been pressed into service for an anime marathon.
"Hey, dude," The Dane greeted his friend, "did you know that they resumed the making of Dragonhalf after 2nd Impact? I guess people really needed something to make them laugh. God this's funny!" He chuckled heartily.
"I—," said Worldmage excitedly.
At that moment, something happened on the screen. Misato clutched at her stomach and began rolling on the floor, laughing her ass off. (Figuratively.) "AHHAHAHAHA! I CAN JUST IMAGINE ASUKA AS MINK, CHASING AFTER KAJI, THE DRAGON-SLAYING POP-STAR, LIKE SOME LOVESICK PUPPY! WAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"She ought to write a fanfiction about it," Worldmage muttered. Misato didn't hear, fortunately. Worldmage and The Dane sweat-dropped as she rolled and hooted. Shaking his head, the Norseman subtly removed all liquor from Misato's immediate reach. "She really doesn't know when she's had too much." The Dane grinned uncomfortably. Then he turned to Worldmage with an inquisitive look. "So, what did you want to say?"
"I remember a spell!" Worldmage exclaimed with a big smile.
The Dane just looked at Worldmage for a moment. Then he picked up a book and tossed it at him: The Joy of Cooking. "Why don't you try cross-referencing with this," The Dane said.
Worldmage just snorted and tossed the book back at The Dane. "Come outside with me, and I'll prove it to you!"
The big Dane hoisted himself into his wheelchair and brushed off his clothes. "Fine, just to let you prove your point." He looked to Misato, who had passed out and was now snoring on the futon. "She won't be any trouble for some time now." The Dane turned toward Worldmage once more and grinned. "She'll be even less trouble tomorrow when the hangover kicks in."
Worldmage rolled his eyes.
A quarter of an hour later, the two magic-using authors stood outside the mansion, moonlight playing eerily across their features. The Dane had insisted on propping himself up with crutches for the spell-casting. He was wearing his ceremonial gray robe, and the soft shimmer of a shielding spell surrounded him like a dark aura.
Worldmage stood across the yard from his partner, leaning casually against a tree. He cracked his knuckles one by one, adjusted his glasses, and grinned. "Are you ready, sorcerer?" he asked, as one would ask a little child if it wanted a lollipop.
The other nodded grimly and made a few subtle motions with his hand, whispering some words in Latin. "Now I'm ready," he said at last. Looking at the shorter man, he crossed his forearms protectively in front of him and challenged, "give it your best, Kabbalist!"
Worldmage shrugged. "OK. I'll lose the opening incantation; that ought to decrease the power to an extent…. DRAGON SLAVE!" He motioned towards The Dane, who sweat-dropped.
"Oh shoot!" was all that the Norse sorcerer could say before the spell blasted away most of the lawn and his shield with it. After the dust cleared, Worldmage strolled over to crater's edge and looked down to where The Dane sat with his face locked in a horrified grimace.
"I'm gonna get you for that one, you dirty creep!" The Dane growled as he got up.
"I don't think we should start a full-scale battle here," Worldmage cautioned. "In retrospect, we probably should have left town just for the demonstration."
"I'm not talking about frying your ass, at least not directly. I'm talking about revenge. You could at least have told me that it was THAT spell, so I'd have had time to redirect the energy." The Dane gestured and levitated out of the crater.
"But where would the fun be in that?" Worldmage smirked mischievously. The Dane growled some curses in Danish and dusted off his robe again before moving toward the house. "If this stains, I'm gonna give YOU the cleaner's bill, buddy."
Worldmage chuckled to himself. "I'll pay; it'll be worth every yen!" The Kabbalist grinned and followed his friend into the now wide-awake mansion.
Ritsuko's wrath would have woken up most of the neighborhood's inhabitants, had the explosion not already waked them. It had leveled three yards, a garage and part of the roadway, and shattered most of the windows on the street.
"WHAT IN GOD'S NAME HAVE YOU DONE TO THE FRONT LAWN?" the scientist yelled at the two unfortunate authors.
"It was HIS fault!" The now chibi-SD Dane pointed at the likewise chibi-SD Worldmage, who whipped out a mallet and whacked The Dane over the head.
"Shut up! It was as much your fault as it was mine!" Worldmage yelled.
"That's it," hissed Ritsuko. "The both of you are going to speak with the Commander!"
…
It was some time in the small hours of the morning. The two authors stood at attention before the massive desk in Gendo's office, wearing NERV uniforms and trying not to stare at the patterns etched into the floor and ceiling. The Dane's arms were beginning to ache from leaning on crutches for so long. Even Worldmage, who was used to holding still for long periods of time, was becoming dizzy when Gendo finally turned away from his view of the Geofront and sat down in his chair.
"You both know about the Instrumentality and Complementation projects. How?" He looked at the two as if caught between curiosity and boredom. They dared not mention that this was not the reason they had been sent to the office.
"We're magicians; we know such things," ventured The Dane.
Gendo rose from his chair. "You just 'know such things'? Hmmm…." Gendo walked around the desk and over to the two authors. Stopping in front of Worldmage, he gave him a piercing stare over the rim of his shaded glasses.
Worldmage gulped and fought the urge to lapse into Yiddish. "'S'ist dee Varheyt… uh… it's true. We performed a divination to find out some more about where we were, and stumbled across this information by a complete and total accident. Really!"
Gendo narrowed his eyes at Worldmage's outburst. "Perhaps I should have you two removed," mused the older man. He heard a crackle and turned his head to see the other gaijin cupping a ball of lightning in his palm.
"We could destroy you and this entire facility before you could blink. Don't push us," warned The Dane. "All donkey-fun aside, don't make me do anything unpleasant."
Gendo made a growling noise deep in his throat. "As I was about to say before the interruption, I will allow you to live in spite of everything. However, your knowledge WILL remain a secret. Understood?" Gendo looked at the Dane and Worldmage in turn. Worldmage nodded immediately, beginning to sweat. A second later, The Dane slowly followed suit. Gendo smirked. "Good. Dismissed." He turned his back on the authors as if he had already forgotten their existence, and walked back to the window and its view of the darkened Geofront.
The Dane glared at the Commander's impassive back, then launched a minor version of his lightning spell just from spite. Worldmage moved to stop him, but was too slow.
The jolt of electricity crackled and dissipated against a magical shield about five feet from where Gendo stood. "I said, you are dismissed," remarked the Commander blandly.
The Dane paled noticeably and made a hasty exit, truly amazing when one considers his crutches. He was followed closely by Worldmage.
"So NOW you say you had gotten emanations from him. Just fuckin' dandy, that!"
A heated argument between the sorcerer and the Kabbalist had been going on for over an hour now, ever since they had left NERV HQ on the way home.
"They weren't quite emanations as such; it was just a feeling he gave me. He hides it so well, I wasn't sure it was more than just a talisman or Shinto ward until we actually got into his place of power," Worldmage countered. "And each time I tried to ask you about it, I was interrupted.
"But it wouldn't have mattered anyway. You saw how strong that shield is. He must've been practicing since before he met Yui, probably since early childhood."
The Dane glared at Worldmage. "This's just great. Just when we finally thought we'd gotten the upper hand, we find out that he's had us at his mercy all along—" The Dane broke off, turned, and resumed his mad pacing of the room. In a wheelchair. He squeaked the handgrips with each turn.
"You're the one who was all concerned with 'getting the upper hand;' I've been afraid of him since we arrived…. And would you please STOP DOING THAT?" snapped Worldmage.
"When you stop snapping at me, I will," came the angry retort. There was a pause.
"Sorry, it's been a bit stressful." Worldmage took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes. "Almost enough to make a guy snap, you know?"
The Dane chuckled. "'A bit?' I'm surprised nobody's buckled from the pressure by now."
From upstairs came the faint sound of Shinji screaming and whacking his head against the wall. He had gone over the edge when Asuka had started chewing on his SDAT tapes. She had lost her grip when Rei stood on her head, spinning around in circles and singing "Fly Me to the Moon." She, in turn, had finally snapped when Misato had a relapse into her laughing fit. Ritsuko was no less sane than normal, although what she and Gendo were doing in his office at the moment was enough to cast doubt on anybody's mental condition. So many plastic straps! But that's unimportant.
The Dane walked to the door and sighed. "Look, we just need to calm down and look at this from a new perspective, okay?"
Worldmage nodded and yawned mightily. "But first of all I'm going to get me some sleep. I really need it."
The Dane smirked. "Sweet dreams, man."
Worldmage did have a dream that night; although "sweet" would hardly be the best description. There were vague and violent shadow-figures moving through it. In the distance, he saw a creeping darkness that threatened to envelop the fic in angst and introspection, drowning out the humor and action and all that good stuff. At about three in the morning, a panel of literary critics who might have been drawn by Salvador Dali discussed the relative merits of using a serious plotline as a backbone for a humor-fic. It was rounded out by a small, pale child reciting logarithmic tables to a backdrop of techno music and swirling shades of gray.
The Dane's dreams were sweet to the point of being 5\/\/33+. They mostly involved food, women and beer in various combinations that would give this fic an NC-17 rating.
Rei dreamed of Third Impact. Shinji dreamed of a bullet-train ride. Asuka dreamed in German. Misato dreamed in a puddle of beer, sprawled across the kitchen table. Dennis didn't dream. Pen-pen—
Readers: "SHUT UP, ALREADY!"
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Author's Notes: MONKEYS!! THEY WILL EAT YOU!!! THIS IS BAT-LAND!!!!