Disclaimer: The Dane and Worldmage do not own NGE or anything affiliated with it. We know it, you know it, and they know it. If anyone has any doubts, they must be pretty stupid. I mean, seriously, to think that sorry fucks like us would have a chance of even owning a tiny part of something like that, you'd have to be the single stupidest fuckhead on this godforsaken shit-hole of a lump of radioactive clay.
Worldmage: I think I'd better do all the disclaimers from now on… people might get less pissed off.
The Dane: Phht… fuck that. If they don't know we don't mean it, they deserve it.
Worldmage: There you go again; you're too aggressive at times.
The Dane: Sorry…
Worldmage: And then you revert to a sorry excuse for a real-life Shinji.
The Dane: Let's just get on with the fuckin' fic, ok? Okay!
Involuntary SI á la 'fuchsia,' Part Ten (that's "Heaven" in Japanese) or
"How Mary-Sue learned NOT to pull people's fingers, especially Worldmage's"
Worldmage: You really are a sick, sick person.
The Dane: It's just my way of coping. Rei acts withdrawn, Gendo acts cold, Shinji apologizes on behalf of the human race, Asuka acts like a bitch—
Asuka: HEY!
The Dane: —and I'm just plain offensive.
Worldmage: I don't think that "just" or "plain" quite cuts it…
The Dane: Whatever…
In Gendo's office, an interview is taking place. The newest addition to the household, Thomas Sørensen, is at NERV with Ritsuko to get his security clearance.
Thomas: On behalf of the Danish government in exile, I demand full security clearance.
Gendo coldly: Negative. You shall not have access to the secrets of NERV. You may have the same as the rest of the Ops staff, but no more.
Thomas smirking: May I remind you of the resources we provide? We can terminate our agreement very easily and suddenly. There is nothing you can do, Ikari-shirei.
Ritsuko: I don't believe he's a liability. We haven't ever had problems with the Exiles.
Fuyutsuki: We haven't had any from the Egyptians either. That just means that there hasn't been any chance for them to cause it yet. Always prepare for the worst.
Thomas: My only concern is the safety of the two new pilots.
Ritsuko curiously: Two? Only one is a Dane.
Thomas: The one goes with the other. Those were my orders. Shrugs It will take some pressure off of your Sector 6. I am worth at least ten of your best men.
Fuyutsuki whispering to Gendo: He's exaggerating, but he does have a point. If Sørensen-san takes residence there, we can take our agents off of those two, and put them to other uses.
Gendo folds his hands in front of him and ponders the options for a while.
Gendo: Very well. You shall have the clearance you requested. But use it carefully.
Thomas: You should not concern yourself with what I might do. I will discuss the details of my stay here with Akagi-sensei later.
Gendo: You may go now.
Thomas bows to Gendo and Fuyutsuki, and leaves with Ritsuko.
Fuyutsuki: You're not actually giving him full clearance, are you? Only we three have it, and I'm sure there're some things that you don't tell Akagi.
Gendo: Of course not. He can threaten all he wants, but we won't give him enough evidence for the Danes to withdraw their funding or Unit 6-21-11. As he said, his stated purpose is security… find a way to monitor him without arousing his suspicions.
Fuyutsuki: Won't he expect that from us? Let's wait until he's settled in, and then we can begin to monitor his moves.
Gendo: No. He'll expect that too. No, we'll just have to make sure that everything's in place before he's gotten to know the environment. Give him one of our scrambled-line security phones and track all his movements with the satellite if you need to.
Fuyutsuki: How about putting Kaji on his case? Our SEELE spy can watch the unknown, and Ritsuko can slip cryptic warnings to both of them that they should mind their own business.
Gendo Mr.-Burns-like: Exxxxxcellent.
The two chuckle with "evil-plan glee" and then proceed to play their latest game of choice: shôgi.
-
At the dinner table, a clear difference between the two Danes becomes apparent. One seems to devour everything edible within range; the other eats with military precision and swiftness.
Misato amazed: How can European people eat such large amounts of food and still not bloat up?
Thomas: It has something to do with us having a higher metabolism. We come from cold lands where we need to convert lots of energy to keep warm.
Asuka nods in agreement, gulping down her fourth big helping of fried noodles and rice with sweet & sour sauce.
The Dane: Does anyone know where you can buy meat around here? Don't you have cows?
Ritsuko: Since 2nd Impact we've relied on our technology and industry. We barely produce enough foodstuffs to feed the population. Vegetables simply take less energy than meat. What meat we do produce is mainly pork, but I think you could find some beef if you looked hard enough.
Worldmage: Pork bad. Not kosher. Veggies good; beef good. BEEF. It's what's for dinner. Or lamb. Or chicken. Or duck. Or fish. Or…
Misato: Um… I could see if I could find something. I know some people with the right connections.
Ritsuko mutters: The right connections to short-circuit your brain… drunkard.
Misato: I heard that, pothead!
Ritsuko: Whatever…
The dinner is finished quickly and people rise to take care of—stuff. Just stuff. Ritsuko locks Shinji in his room for further "detox procedures;" Misato begins to drink herself into oblivion; The Dane, Asuka and Worldmage are playing games on the PS4. Rei is watching them, and Maya Ibuki has come over to do some paperwork with Ritsuko and Misato. Which means that she's doing it all by herself, as usual.
Asuka to The Dane: HA! Dummkopf, jetz werd' ich dich ermorden.
The Dane sarcastically: Been a while since you spoke German, eh? Getting kind of rusty?
Asuka: Shut the fuck up or I'll whack your balls this time!
The Dane: I'd kill you before you even got close.
Worldmage: Just give me the controller, Asuka. You're defeated.
Speaker in game: FATALITY! rip, slash, smack splatter
Asuka holds stomach: I feel sick...
Maya: covers mouth with both hands
Rei cocks her head in interest.
The Dane: They sure DO make them realistic nowadays. Anyone for a quick snack?
Worldmage: Here, make that yummy tomato sauce you did yesterday.
The Dane putting down controller: Sure. Chunky or blended?
Worldmage: Um… chunky, but remember: not too chunky.
The Dane: Got it.
Maya runs out to the toilet for a few minutes. When she comes back, she is wobbling slowly and looking a bit white about the face. The two authors exchange v-for-victory signs across the room.
Rei curious: Why did the game trigger such a violent reaction in Ibuki-san? It's not real.
Worldmage casually: I dunno, but I'm hungry… Yells to The Dane in the kitchen HURRY UP WITH THAT FOOD, WILL YA?
The Dane yelling back: SHADDAP OR DO IT YERSELF! SCHMUCK!
Worldmage still yelling: PUTZ!
The Dane yelling still: JAHOO!
Asuka exasperated: Jackasses…
The Dane and Worldmage in synch: SHUT UP, ASUKA!
That just about takes care of the evening. The rest is filled with the usual snacking and violence and hentai sex—well, there has to be some SOMEWHERE in the city. None of our characters get any.
The next day in school, The Dane and Worldmage are sitting in the back of the class as usual, deep into a chat-session, ignoring the sensei. The Dane is, as usual, being an annoying goy. I mean guy.
D: You know, I'm not quite sure whether you should have that eyepatch. I don't think that you fulfill the criteria of—what was it again—being bouncy and boinking or something like that…
W: You never even saw the show, so get off my case about it already.
D: You know, I think we should all blame those fucking loony tunes who designed our ID cards. I mean, who in their right mind would make a bunch of perverts and geeks write anything that other people might take seriously?
W: "…"
D: would facefault if there were no people
W: I'm sweat dropping; how cliché is that… oh, Lord, I'm starting to sound like YOU!
D: You make that sound as if that was a bad thing. : P
W: You do realize that it goes like this:
D: I usually do it like this:
W: That's because you're weird.
D: We really ought to concentrate on our current situation.
W: Yes. You said you found something in the books.
D: They prefer to be called "tomes."
W: Great… what have I told about sentient magical items?
D: "Keep as many as you can?"
W: NO! You're incorrigible!
D: I do my best.
W: But what about the guy they sent to protect you?
D: Oh, Thomas… well, I don't quite know what to do with him. I'm looking to have him sluiced into the system here.
W: Makes sense. See if you can get me into the official protection program as well. Please?
D: Already done. He agreed that your continued co-existence alongside me was vital to my personal needs.
W: Ah, ok. Translation?
D: "Sure, if he's your buddy and it means THAT much to you, I might as well look after him also while I'm at it."
W: Thank you.
Suddenly the bell rings, signaling the end of the class-period.
The Dane happily, out loud: YES! I'm hungry; I better go get a sandwich or something.
Worldmage annoyed: You had breakfast two hours ago.
The Dane: Hey, I always eat. Bidahs Worldmage
Worldmage under his breath: At least I have the common courtesy to keep my urges in check until lunch-break, or until after we get home.
The Dane: Bleh…
After a long and harrowing day at school, Misato picks the Children and the authors up in her newly acquired mini-van and they all drive home.
Misato cheerily: So, how was everyone's day?
Shinji: Ok, I guess.
Rei: Acceptable.
Asuka: This sucks! I'm a College graduate! I know it all already, except for the stuff that's blatantly wrong! And even that's not hard to grasp! I can learn kanji on my own time!
Worldmage: I'm still in the process of regenerating brain cells, and unable to answer your question.
The Dane: Why do you ask that same question day after day? You know that Shinji won't get beyond a vague "maybe it was good in a way." Rei will say it was "acceptable." Asuka will bitch about being a college graduate and having to put up with disinformation, stupidity, and shit she memorized as an eleven-year-old. Worldmage will be a smart-ass. Then, I'll start complaining about how much this system sucks. And finally, you'll mutter:
Misato: sigh I need a beer...
The Dane: grumble Don't we all… I'm hungry.
Worldmage: "…"
Asuka: You stuffed yourself during every goddamn recess there was and during class when Hikari wasn't watching, and you're STILL hungry? I thought it was bad with Worldmage and his ramen, but this is just too much!
The Dane in an undertone: Remember the rules, Mädchen.
Asuka: Yeah, yeah. Whatever.
Worldmage eating despite van's motion: Whaff's wron wif' ramen?
Misato turns to look at Asuka and The Dane: I have half a mind to wash out both your mouths with soap.
The Dane nervously: You should probably keep both halves concentrating on your driving.
Misato: Huh? Turns around to see a red light and slams the brakes AAAAAAAHHH!
The van screeches to a stop mere millimeters from the side of a car that had been crossing the intersection as part of opposing traffic.
Worldmage eyeing his ramen, which is splattered all over the inside of the windshield: As weird as this sounds, I might feel safer if you let The Dane take the wheel.
Misato to The Dane: You have a license?
The Dane wide-eyed: I'm taking one.
The group finally returns home after a very legal-speeded drive from the intersection onwards. Worldmage prepares himself another bowl of ramen and sets out to play chess with all comers. The first is Ritsuko, who destroys him four times within an hour before becoming bored.
The Dane checks his NERV bank account and signs up for a driver's course. It's evening by the time he's done with that and dinner, so he sits by the kitchen table reading one of his tomes, sipping off a mug of warm, nice tea. He scribbles down stuff on a note-pad next to him and checks with the black-leather book every now and then. After a few hours, nodding with satisfaction, he closes the book, folds together his notes and gets up.
The Dane under his breath: I just hope this turns out to be incorrect.
He goes into the living room where Worldmage is playing chess with Shinji, trying in the spirit of good sportsmanship to let Shinji win—and failing miserably.
Worldmage: Um… check. See, you need to remember the power of a knight. You need to be able to look at the board and see the spaces that the knight can attack in two moves… there and there and there, for example. It's like looking at a scatter-diagram. See? …
Worldmage continues "explaining" the game to Shinji, whose eyes quickly glaze over. The Dane quietly sets down his stuff on a nearby table and walks up to Worldmage, stopping right behind him. He closes his eyes for a moment in deep concentration and suddenly pulls a huge mallet up from his pocket.
The Dane: Hey, buddy. I hate to do this, but I have to confirm a theory.
Worldmage turns around to see The Dane lift the mallet and whap him over the head. Worldmage goes SD with incredible speed and rubs his head where his compatriot hit him. Two Band-Aids crossed over each other appear on the spot where he was hit.
Worldmage: Ow! That hurt, you meanie... Takes out HUGE-O mallet and retaliates, knocking The Dane's lights out.
The Dane in SD, with swirls where his eyes were: Grandma? Please don't hit me again; I promise I'll be a good boy and finish my beer… Gets slammed repeatedly Owowowowowowowowow!
Worldmage's bloodlust wears itself out and The Dane picks up his lights and put them back in.
The Dane growling: Retaliation is fine, but that was too much. Takes out a huge mallet that makes Worldmage and Shinji sweatdrop
Worldmage weakly: Oy Gottenyu—
WHAMMO!
The Dane claps his hands: That should teach you respect. And that we're in an anime-universe.
Worldmage un-SDs and rushes over to The Dane.
Worldmage: What? I just thought that this was a fic. I—that's why you whacked me.
The Dane nods and grins: That's right, son. Tell him what he won, Nicky.
The Dane in twisted, psychotic voice: Sure buddy, I'd love to! Worldmage is now the proud owner of a one-way ticket to hell with accommodations for a companion. Also, he got the bonus prize of a hatchet, a butcher knife and a machete! All a budding serial killer could wish for!
Worldmage disgusted: You are SO sick, man…
Shinji: I have to agree with Worldm— falls silent as The Dane levels him with a glare that comes close to stopping his heart
Shinji: gulps audibly Ehhh… sorry!
The Dane smirks evilly: I just love that. Chuckles
Worldmage annoyed: But what does this mean? I don't know if the "mallet phenomenon" exists in fics as well as manga and anime.
The Dane: I'm pretty sure that hammer-space exists only within anime universes, but we are certainly operating by some rules normally reserved for fics. It seems that your spell has created a rift between the different universes of fic, anime and reality.
Worldmage: My dinky little transportation spell did that?
The Dane: "Shi-ha-kol," my man. I should think that being around a sorcerer would have taught you to make sure you've read the spell properly.
Worldmage testily: Don't start that again. Not in front of Shinji.
The Dane turns to Shinji: Go to bed. Now!
Shinji curious: What? Why?
The Dane: a rumbling growl emanates from deep within his chest
Shinji half-runs to his room: Gomengomengomengomen!
Worldmage: I thought we agreed that you would be easier on the kids.
The Dane in the voice of Satan from South Park: I'm just not happy anymore, Worldmage. You don't nurture my emotions…
Worldmage closes his eyes and grits his teeth: We might be facing a transdimensional rift, and you play around… how the hell did you ever rise to the second order?
The Dane: Being sick and insane helps. And a good memory as well.
Worldmage close to snapping: Fine. I don't want any of your demon crap messing with my wards, though, so if we consult your books, we're going to YOUR room.
The Dane imitates Satan again: Yes honey, my place is fine, but this time I wanna be on top.
Worldmage on the brink of snapping: I'll sic a swarm of elemental nature spirits on you if you don't start taking this situation seriously!
The Dane: No—this time, I get to smack you around. You can't hog all the dominance and sadism.
Worldmage snapping: Go take a chill pill before you go mental and turn into a human nuke, Tetsuo-kun. I don't want to pay your freakin' life insurance just 'cause you forgot your bloody meds!
The Dane puts an arm around Worldmage's shoulder: Good one! I knew you had it in you. You make me proud, son.
Worldmage: weeps
And thus, they go to the den for further research in The Dane's tomes. Later that evening, they reach a conclusion.
The Dane: We need alcohol.
Worldmage: A white dessert wine, please. Something Golani, if you could.
Some time during the small hours of the morning, they reach a far more important conclusion.
Worldmage: So if Third Impact takes place, all of existence will be wiped out?
The Dane: Yup, that's basically what this adds up to. If something that big happens in a world, then it will affect the others. That's the mechanic of such a rift. The energy levels will stretch the portal to infinite size, no matter where it's hiding.
Worldmage: I hate it when the world is in danger of ending. Can't you mend it? You're a sorcerer!
The Dane pondersome: I might be able to do something about it, but I'll need help. Lots of help, and not all of it from human hands. I need a summoning-chamber.
Worldmage: You know how dangerous stuff like that is, especially in an anime-universe.
The Dane casually: Don't worry, I won't try anything stupid. I have a perfectly foolproof plan.
Worldmage chuckles and shakes head: No comment.
The Dane: There's more to everyone than meets the eyes.
Worldmage: You're doing it wrong again.
The Dane: Go blow yourself.
Worldmage: I'd rather not try. Well, then, I have a game of chess and a hunger that needs satiation.
The Dane: Get a grip, fanboy!
The two argue a little more and then go down to the kitchen to get some food.
The Dane: Man, these knees are really bothering me. I sure as hell hope they heal as well as Ritsuko said. But the treatments kinda make them itch.
Worldmage: They should heal well enough; she's a brilliant biologist, after all. And in any case, you're lucky I rewrote it so she didn't go for your clears throat… you know…
The Dane: Yes. But that's OK, as long as she doesn't know—
Asuka cracking a pair of walnuts in her hand: What? What are you talking about?
Worldmage and The Dane in synch, pale as death and with gigantic sweatdrops: Nothing at all, Asuka-chan. Just idle chitchat. ;;;;;
Asuka munching the walnuts with a mischievous grin: M'kay. Whatever.
She cracks another pair with her bare hands, crushing the nuts wholly, making Worldmage and The Dane shudder and wince.
Asuka grinning evilly: Oops… I hate it when they do that. Don't you?
The Dane and Worldmage sweat and nod nervously as Asuka exits the room.
The Dane and Worldmage to each other: She knew, all right.
…
Thus, we await the next episode with anything but bated breath…
Worldmage: I could have done that way better!
The Dane: Drop dead.
Worldmage: I'd rather not.
The Dane: I'm really getting annoyed here.
Worldmage: Let's just get on with the next episode…
Authors' Notes have been cancelled due to technical difficulties