Thank you to everyone who has been reading the Marvelous Misadventures of Jack and Technology. This is slowly graduating from a drabble series to a rightout story, told in chapter long installments. We're (meaning Rose Stetson and I) thinking of coming out with a story called "SG1 Vs. Disney World"...Don't worry...Mickey comes to no harm...The rest of the joint is totalled, but we didn't tell you that. On to the 5th drabble/story/chapter/thing, entitled "Jack Vs. The Chalkboard of DOOM and GLOOM", a.k.a. "Jack Vs. Kinsey, Part 1" with moments of "Jack Vs. Sam" and "Sam Vs. Every Chauvinistic Pig in the SGC". This also turned into a MAJORLY shippy Jack/Sam moment. I blame Rose Stetson!

General Hammond woke up and turned on the television to see the election results from the night before. The newscasters seemed to be chuckling very heartily about something, and he wondered what it was. Then the picture came on screen, and he was REALLY awake now!

"What the..." he said, taking in the sight of the now Punkified President-Elect Kinsey, complete with a mohawk and chains.

"It's GOT to be the Chinese I ate last night..." the general said, rubbing his eyes in hopes to make the awful sight go away. Needless to say, it didn't work...

As soon as he heard it was an e-mail from "Lola Slink", he had an inkling just who had been behind it.

"Jack, you really did it this time..." he muttered as he put on his dress blues.

As soon as Jack walked into the SGC, General Hammond swooped down on him like a hawk hunting a rabbit.

"Jack, what on earth were you thinking! Or rather, what on earth were you not!"

Colonel O'Neill had never looked so scared in his entire life. This could not be good.

"What do you mean, sir?" he replied respectfully, trying to score some brownie points.

"Now I REALLY know it was you."

Jack unsuccessfully tried to look innocent.

"What did I do, o beloved general?"

"Save the butt kissing for someone else, O'Neill...like President Kinsey, for example."

"What do you mean, my leige?"

The general gave Jack a look.

"Kinsey's coming to see you, and he's NOT happy. Your timing was impeccable, Jack."

Jack cringed.

"Ummm...what do you mean my timing was impeccable? For that matter, what the heck does "impeccable" mean anyway?"

Daniel was walking by and heard the exchange.

"It means, my dear Colonel Dodo, that this picture leaked to the press on the eve of the election."

Sam was close behind.

"Congratulations sir...you just won yourself 15 minutes of painful fame, once Kinsey gets done with you."

She handed him the daily paper, which had the picture of Kinsey and the caption below it read, "President-Elect has a "Slink"-y Night".

"What do you two know about this?" the general queried.

Daniel began whistling "Another One Bites The Dust" and Sam was giving the floor a very close inspection.

"Look, a dust bunny!" she said.

"Major Carter..." the general said warningly.

"Oh, and it's scurrying away to find its friend...bye!"

"You're not going anywhere, Major, dust bunny or not."

"The naquadah reactor is about to explode!" she pleaded.

A loud BOOM! was heard. The general smacked his forehead with his palm.

"Major, why didn't you just say so in the first place?"

"Because...I made it up and wasn't really expecting it to happen... I thought it was foolproof, sir!"

Daniel snorted. "It might normally be foolproof, but it's not Jack proof!"

Sam glared at Jack fiercely.

"What did you do?" she demanded.

"Just moved a few of the crystal thingys around...you know, matched them up by color." he replied defensively.

"You did WHAT! Jack, you may be my C.O. but after Kinsey's done with you, your butt is MINE!"

"Really? Is that a promise?" he asked, wiggling his eyebrows at her.

"JACK!" she yelled. The whole base wondered if the honeymoon was over.

The general looked at her. "Major Carter, do you have something you need to tell me?"

"Um, no sir."

"Then I suggest we get back to the problem at hand. Jack, you're fired!"

"What! I was just about to send the Goa'uld crying back to their mommas!"

"In the virtual world, or the real world?" the general asked dryly.

"General Hammond, I have no idea what you mean." Jack responded, sounding wounded.

"Can it, O'Neill. What I meant was your timing sucks worse than the alien head-sucker thing! You should have put it out 2 weeks ago!"

"That hurts, general. What do you mean, general?"

"You're not THAT dense, O'Neill...I hope."

Daniel keeled over laughing.

"Prepare to say good-bye and it's been great knowing you!" the anthropologist snickered.

"Danny Boy, I'm still alive and can still kill you before the next mission starts, which is in 15 minutes." Jack growled.

"Jack, you're going to have a LOT more time than that. You've been suspended and are now going to be Kinsey's slave."

"I don't like the sound of that..." he whimpered.

"This is what Jack will be saying after 5 seconds with Kinsey; "I want my mummy!"

The anthropologist busted up laughing again.

Everyone else looked at him as though he had grown a second head.

"Mummy...you know, like the dead Egyptian kind?" Daniel said weakly.

"Daniel, you need to get some sleep." Sam said, shaking her head.

"Danny boy, just how much coffee DID you have?" Jack asked.

"I lost count after the first five...I thought it was funny." he sulked.

Just then, the intercom on the general's desk sounded.

"Sir, the pigeon has landed."

General Hammond rolled his eyes. "Don't you mean The Eagle?"

There was a laugh in the man's voice. "No sir, I mean THE pigeon."

"Jack, start explaining...NOW."

Sighing, Jack began telling the general how the team had just wanted to play a little practical joke on the senator in time for his birthday and they hadn't intended to send the e-mail to both houses of Congress.

"You did WHAT!" the general yelled, his eyes popping out.

"Didn't you know, sir?" Sam asked.

"I just saw the picture on the news this morning..." he said, giving Jack the look of death. "I didn't know anything about your involvement until now."

"It was my idea, sir." Jack said, attempting to take full blame for the situation.

"I knew that, Einstein! I also know that you are NOT able to work Photoshop on your own! You had to have some help."

"I never said it was just me...I only said it was my idea." Jack replied.

"Colonel Jonathan A. O'Neill, you are in enough trouble as it is..."

"Yeah, I know. I was possessed by a Goa'uld?"

"Not going to cut it sir." Sam said.

"Tok'ra? They like to have fun!"

"Nope. You're screwed!" Daniel replied cheerfully.

"Your dad made me do it!" Jack cried, pointing at Sam. "It's all Jacob's fault!"

Jacob walked in.

"You must be psychic..." Daniel sniggered.

"Hello...did I miss something?" Jacob asked, wondering why everyone was looking like Kinsey was about to descend on them at any moment.

"You DON'T want to know Dad."

Jacob crossed his arms. "Have you and Jack finally stopped fighting the inevitable?"

"DAD!" Sam hissed.

"No...despite my best efforts." Jack muttered.

Sam glared at him while Daniel turned red from holding in his laughter.

"Just let it out, Daniel...you're going to choke soon." Jacob said wisely.

Footsteps were heard on the stairs, and everyone froze.

"Somebody shoot me?" Jack asked.

"You're not worth the bullet, Jack." Sam growled.

"Ouch...it's ok, though. I know you still love me."

Sam was so enraged she was speechless. Instead, she lept at Jack, only to be restrained by her father and General Hammond.

"Let Kinsey torture him first, and THEN you can kill him, honey." Jacob said soothingly.

"Let me at him..." Sam said.

Daniel was finally breathing again and turned to General Hammond.

"He doesn't stand a chance!"

"A woman once scorned..." Selmak added.

Sam turned to her father. "Selmak, unless you'd like to be number two on my list..."

"Did I mention how lovely you look today?"

"She's always pretty when she's mad." Jack said.

"Keep digging the hole Jack...it'll make it easier for me to bury you!"

"Did you say Marry?"

Sam lept at him, her claw-like fingers primed and ready for battle. This time, no one was able to hold her back. They crashed to the ground in a heap with Sam on top of him.

The President-Elect walked in then and surveyed the room.

"Ah, Colonel O'Neill...just the man I wanted to see... unless you're busy..."

"Yippee." Jack muttered.

Sam awkwardly climbed off of Jack muttering, "This isn't over by a long shot, buster."

Jack smiled. "Good...something for me to look forward to."

"I'm going to kill you slowly and painfully..."

"That didn't exactly look like death from where I'm standing, Major."

"Sen-a-tor..."

"That would be President." Kinsey preened.

"You haven't been sworn in yet." Sam spat.

"President-Elect, then."

"Okay, President-Elect, may I have permission to KILL Colonel O'Neill right now?"

Kinsey thought about it for a moment. "No...I have the prior claim."

"Prior claim my butt...if there's anyone that has a prior claim on Jack, it's Sam." Daniel whispered to Jacob.

"You're not half kidding...you should have seen them the first time they met! There was a definite feeling of animosity in the air."

"Now it's the aroma of love." Selmak supplied helpfully.

"Selmak, you may co-exist with my father, but there are ways of torturing you!"

"Umm...I'm busy. Nice to see you sweetie!"

"Before I go, just know that you look especially ravishing today!" Selmak said as he and his host made a hasty retreat.

"Good-bye, Selmak."

Kinsey smirked. "Did I interrupt a lover's quarrel?"

Sam looked at him. Her eyes almost seemed to be glowing with repressed anger. "You may be the president-elect, but you are still a man and I can take you down..." she said, her voice having a threatening edge to it.

"It's apparent you've spent too much time with Colonel O'Neill."

This time Daniel and General Hammond had to restrain her.

"You can't kill the President-Elect, Sam."

"Why not?"

"That's called murder in 50 states, Sam." Daniel said.

Kinsey realized that baiting Sam was not a healthy occupation, so he got down to business and turned to Jack.

"Colonel O'Neill, I have decided to skip the entire court martial procedure, and have instead procured a new assignment for you."

"Huh?" Jack asked.

"It means that he's going to make you do something that really blows." Daniel translated.

"I think I'd rather have the court martial." Jack replied.

"Oh, but that would mean everyone would get to see the lovely picture of the President-Elect's Faux-Hawk." Sam answered.

Kinsey lifted an eyebrow that was NOT like the Australian bush. "Did you have something to do with this, Major?"

"Oh you know...he is my lover." Sam replied seductively.

"I am?" Jack said, his face brightening.

"Don't tell me you forgot about last week already, snookums!"

Jack grinned devilishly. "Oh, I remember...pooky."

General Hammond whispered, "What the..."

Daniel, however was unrestrained in his response. He lept into the air, pumping his arms like a football player on steriods.

"YES! Janet, it's time to pay up!" He called out the door gleefully.

Sam turned to Daniel, confusion on her face. "What!"

"Oh, there's been a base pool for about 6 years." he replied.

"How much is in there?" Sam asked faintly.

"Oh, about 14 grand now...some people have their whole life savings in there, which make me VERY happy I won! Bahamas, here I come!"

"Daniel, when did YOU put your life savings in there?"

"The third year!"

"See, I told you you shouldn't have resisted me for so long!" Jack grumbled.

"Jonathan, don't make me hurt you..."

"What? I've been trying for how long now..."

"JONATHAN ALEC O'NEILL!"

"Wow, you sound like my mother...that's REALLY disturbing. Of course, she wasn't as hot as you..."

"DO YOU WANT TO LIVE? OR DIE?"

"Just kiss me before you kill me, and I'm good." Jack replied.

Daniel smiled wistfully." Awww..." he said, tears streaming down his cheeks as though it were a Hallmark movie of the week.

"DANIEL!" they both yelled in unison.

"Colonel O'Neill, I sentence you to...writing sentences on chalkboards in the Oval Office where I can observe you every minute of every day that it takes you to fill them." Kinsey said.

"Anything but that!" Jack cried.

"Unfortunately, yes." Kinsey said, sounding like a bad B movie villain.

The expected evil laugh came quickly.

The general went to go call some of his cronies, and Daniel trotted off to go collect from Janet, leaving Jack and Sam alone with Kinsey.

"Jack, we'll be departing in 3 hours...be ready." Kinsey announced.

As Kinsey walked away, Jack made faces at him and Sam tried not to laugh.

Just then, General Hammond emerged from his office looking extremely smug.

"Sir, do I want to know or is it one of those "I could tell you, but then I'll have to kill you" things?" Jack asked, almost fearing the response.

"Let's just say Daniel wasn't the only one betting on you guys...100 Grand isn't just a candy bar for me anymore!"

Sam was shocked. "100 GRAND!"

"Oh yes...from my friends at the Pentagon."

"The Pentagon?" she asked, feeling wounded.

"Sam, we all knew you had a crush on Jack before you even got here. There's a reason you felt like you'd been preparing all your life for the second Abydos mission. Heck, you even memorized his file!"

Jack looked at her.

"You memorized my file?"

She blushed.

"I always had a thing for guys with "J" names." she mumbled.

He nodded thoughtfully.

"Thank you Mom for not naming me Bartholomew." he said.

"Sir?"

"Then I wouldn't be Jonathan, or be called Jack." he finished smugly.

"Jack!"

"I thought you liked my name!"

Sam took a deep breath, doing her best to lower her already sky high blood pressure.

After the team had assembled at the airport to see Jack off, they tactfully withdrew to allow him and Sam a final moment, Daniel herding them away with a smile on his face.

"Any final words?" Sam asked.

"What do you mean?" Jack replied.

"Anything to say before I KILL you?"

He thought for a long moment.

"Umm...I love you?"

"You do?" asked Sam as her heart melted like the Wicked Witch of the West in a bucket of water.

"Sam, you're like a goddess!"

She crossed her arms.

"Okay, that's a little over the top." she commented. "You should have just stopped at I love you."

Jack smiled. "I'll be sure to remember that."

"Jack..."

"Oh, so it's Jack now."

"Colonel O'Neill, this is breaking regulations in a BIG way!"

"What regs?" Jack asked.

Sam gave him a look.

"The ones we've been dancing around for 8 years!"

"Really? Don't tell me you didn't read the memo..."

"What memo?"

"Oh, just some little memo about how the frat regs don't apply to the SGC anymore." Jack replied, looking out the window.

"WHAT! WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME!" Sam yelled as she began to sock him in the arm.

"Are you interested?" he asked.

Sam tried several times to speak, but nothing would come out.

"I'll take that as a yes." Jack said with a grin.

He kissed her, and took his time about it.

"I'll be back soon...pooky."

"Jack, let's get one thing straight...you will NEVER call me Pooky again!"

"And you will never call me Snookums again...agreed?"

She nodded. "Agreed."