Scene: A choir is singing in the background, while the camera pans across a green and fragrant meadow nestled somewhere deep in the heart of the wonderful English countryside.

Writing fades onto the screen, the letters lovingly scripted in a flowing
and artistic hand...

"SONGS OF PRAISE..."

Or at least, that's what they would have read, had someone not at that moment taken a purple crayon and scribbled over them, replacing the caption with an ungainly scrawl that read....

"IT'S NOT BIG AND IT'S NOT CLEVER!"

With a loud zip noise, the music conks out and the screen statics over for a few seconds, before we are presented with the image of our two unlikely young presenters, Violet and Shakahnna.

Today the girls are standing in the middle of a field. Shakahnna has changed her t-shirt and it now reads "Wesker - He'd Get It" and features a picture of a pair of handcuffs. Violet has clearly made an effort with her appearence for this broadcast, as her clothes do not have any holes in them. She appears to be very proud of this acchievement.

"Wah!" Shakahnna speaks into the camera, which is being operated by an extremely scared looking gentleman, who has clearly been threatened into doing the filming.

Violet looks up from prodding a cow curiously, and blinks, "Hullo..." She coughs, "Um...welcome to another glorious technicolour episode of..."

"IT'S NOT BIG AND IT'S NOT CLEVER!" Shout the two girls with muted enthusiasm. At least, this is what they were trying to say, although it once again comes out as a jumble of crap.

"We really need to work on that..." Violet mutters darkly as Shakahnna
launches into her monologue.

"Fuck that. Today we are going to be looking at another of our many pet hates in parodies..." she growls, "This is a joke which be's SO overused, SO hideous, it be's..."

The redhead is interupted by a loud "MOO!". With her lightning quick
reflexes she spins round, to find the cow sniffing benignly at Violet, who is curled up in the mud in the foetal position. Shakahnna laughs, rolls her eyes and helps her up.

The camera pans into Violet, who is looking rather sheepish with a smear of mud on her specs. "Ahem...let's just watch the bloody film, ok?"

There is a puff of cinnamon scented smoke, and a projector screen appears in the middle of the field. It begins to roll...

-

Scene: A Badly Written Resident Evil Parody.

Claire Redfield is skipping merrily through the RPD, dressed in an
impractical pair of hotpants with an inane grin on her face. Sherry, a
young, irritating blonde small thing, is in tow. Claire is currently in
possesion of all the intelligence of a 13 year old on AIM.

Claire: Like wtf hurry up i wont 2 hav sex wit Leon.

Sherry: screw u (insert random expletive here. For the purposes of this demonstration, we are going to go with a word that begins with 'M'. And ends in 'uthafucka'. This is because it is clearly amusing to watch a child swear. The mind of the fanfiction parody writer is a sick hellhole of depravity indeed.)

Claire and Sherry come across a potted, leafy plant, known to all Resident Evil fans as the miracle, cure-all (even severed limbs) green herb. Oh joy.

Now let the lameness commence.

Sherry: O luk a herb.

Claire (and please, brace yourself for cringing): LIKE, SHOULD I SMOKE IT? HAHAHAHA...

The film burns up and we cut back to Shakahnna and Violet who are sitting having an arguement about the respective merits of Wesker and Birkin.

"But Birkin is a science nerd..."

"Oh please! He couldn't take a punch! What's the point if he's a pussy?"

"But I don't want to punch him, I want to make him cups of hot chocolate..."

Shakahnna noticed that the camera is rolling again and clears her throat.

"The herbs joke," she says in a matter of fact tone, "is shit."

Violet nods, "It's lamer than having Christopher Reeve on your team in a rugby match." she adds.

The redhead continues, "Please...have a heart...IF YOU'RE WRITING AN RE PARODY, DON'T PUT ANY JOKES ABOUT SMOKING HERBS IN IT. We've heard it all many...too many...times before..."

"Yes," Violet points to the ground, "There is a cow pat, dear RE parody writer. Should I rub your face in it, or smoke it?"

"The only thing that is going to be smoking," concurs Shakahnna, "Is the barrel of my Desert Eagle if I read another herb joke. So remember until next time, children..."

"IT'S NOT BIG AND IT'S NOT CLEVER!"

Violet grins as the screen goes black and the sound begin to fade, "Hey, we almost got it there..."

"Yeah...so, how do we be getting out of this field?"

"Bugger....um...Shak?"

"Uhuh?"

"I think I just stood in some cow sh..."

Fin.