AN: Hullo all. We moved this story to our joint ID and decided to put another chapter up which is a slight deviation from our usual format, since the theme of the moment is very much self-indulgent pish. Anyway, we thought it was hilarious, you probably won't, but we hope it makes someone out there smile. Again in the spirit of It's Not Big And It's Not Clever, we don't mean any offence but you'll have to excuse us, we're both feeling a bit poorly. The doctor says it might be scarlet fever.

Shak and Captain

-

Scene: The sun beams down upon the white sand of the idylic shore. The skies are blue, the air is warm, providing a pleasant breeze which caresses the leaves of the exotic palm trees. It truly is paradise.

A lone female figure can be discerned, running in slow motion over the beach, her pigtails streaming behind her. She has rejected the standard issue red swimming costume in favour of a grey jumper, and instead of a fashion accessory flotation device, she is clutching an impossibly large pile of scientific textbooks. The early nineties cheesy music from hell is still present however.

The music abruptly cuts out as there is a thud and Violet Snowe : Lifeguard Extrordinaire goes flying face first into the sand.

"Aw f..."

The screen hastily fades to the show's sassy logo which reads in bold yet stylish crayon "GAYWATCH".

Back to Violet, who is shaking the sand from her spectacles, as she scrunches her nose at the camera. "Um, hullo! And welcome to another exciting episode of..." she takes a deep breath before looking around. "Uh, where's Shak?"

"Take that, bitch!" The gleeful shout can be discerned and the camera pans to Shakahnna who is clad in a t-shirt which reads "Wesker- He Wants Me". She is happily kicking the shit out of David Hasselhoff, who is in the process of spitting out his front teeth. She faces the camera and shrugs nonchalantly, "Aw come on. You can't tell me you've not always wanted to do this..."

"Shak!" Violet whines, "Come on! We're on a tight schedule since we blew the budget on STARS and Umbrella patches."

The redhead strolls up to her proudly, "But it was worth it since now I've got RPD underwear."

"Anyway," Violet lives in perpetual fear that she will one day see the aforementioned undergarments, "Ahem. Welcome to another episode of..."

"IT'S NOT BIG AND IT'S NOT CLEVER!"

"Dear viewer," Shakahnna begins, "Today we are going to look at something which, while it is not a parody in the strictest sense, certainly fucking should be."

"Yes," Violet chimes in, "It makes a mockery of everything we believe in, as dedicated and obsessive fangirls."

"But we warn you, this is only for those with a STRONG consitution. I cannot stress how completely fucking disgusting this is."

"It's minging," Violet nods, "It's really...really..."

She goes into the foetal position as the screen fades to black.

-

Scene: Wesker is in an Umbrella lab, going about his daily evil supervillain business as per usual. He is dressed in a hot pink lab coat with the words "Elton 4 Eva" embroidered on the back in sequins. HE HAS A COIF and is using his arse as a holster for his desert eagle. Did we mention he has a coif?

Luckily for us he has his back to the camera so we cannot see what has his hands so busy, but he is feverishly muttering something under his breath about being the king of Racoon City.

William Birkin strides in wearing scarlet leather chaps. He has a village people handlbar moustache and a PVC lab coat (because it's wipe clean etc etc).

The dialogue instantly cuts to badly written script form.

William: My sweet and fragrant Albert! Rejoice, for I did an equation and discovered the T-virus!

Albert: Let's make love.

(Wesker begins rubbing his nipples and flicking his tongue.)

(Censored man on man romance scene. Trust us, it's better if you don't see.)

Albert: Oh Willy, I love it when you shake those peaches.

William: And your coif is so sexy. It makes me think about pirate ships.

Albert: Well you know you can be my seaman any time.

(Aw christ, that's bad.)

William: Do you think we'll ever get married? Let's french kiss.

(He giggles)

Albert: I love you, Will.

William: I love you too, Albert.

-

"STOP! STOP! STOP! STOP!" Violet is refusing to come out of the foetal position, "IT'S NOT REAL! IT NEVER HAPPENED!"

There is a grave expression on Shakahnna's face as she explains, "This is what can happen when fag hags put pen to paper."

There is a muffled sniffle as Violet sits up and points indignantly at the camera, "Kids, say NO to yaoi!"

A random teenage girl appears in a puff of smoke to glare accusingly and shriek, "OMG! YOUS R HOMOFOBIC!"

"Hey!" Miss Snowe looks indignant, "I'll have you know that I shagged Jill Valentine in Resident Evil Royal Rumble!"

Shakahnna says nothing, choosing merely to turn around with her back to her camera. The other side of her shirt is now visible, which reads, "ALEXIA - SHE'D GET IT."

"So with that little point out of the way, we would like to apologise for this unscheduled interruption to our normal agenda of ripping the absolute pish out of unfunny parodies. I can only pray that our lesson has touched the hearts of any young authors out there who want to write such filthy stories. We know it's only human behaviour to strive towards new and inventive fanfic pairings, but we want to drive home the fundemental principle that..."

"WESKER AND BIRKIN ARE NOT A COUPLE!" For once, the statement is so vehement that the girls manage perfect unison.

"And with that said, I am now going to resume kicking the shit out of David Hasselhoff..." The redhaired member of the duo says matter of factly.

Violet nods, "And I am going to indulge in some more pointless running about in slow motion. Maybe I'll fall again, and bang my head and get amnesia and forget all about the image of my husband tonguing Wesker. 'Til next time, kids."

The pair salute at the camera and go about their seperate ways, happy in the knowledge that they have made fanfiction once again a happier and more enlightened place.

Fin.