Disclaimer: "What's that old hag got in her hands? Is it a gold statue? No... It's BANANAS?! Ow ow ow! I think she used to work at my school cafeteria..."
(An: Well, here we go again. Well now this is gonna be fun... Di to the rescue: You like coming up with odd but recognizable aliases for yourself, don't you? Oooh, drunken!Jamie and irresponsible!Logan... I won't be able to use that for a while prolly though... remind me o' it whenever I free Jamie and Logan... CDLOC: No. I wouldn't submit -Rogue- to that kind of torture... maybe... oh now I know how I can use it! You enjoy the prospect of Rogue torture, don't you? And of COURSE the cockroaches want TOTAL WORLD DOMINATION, this is Apocaroach we're talking about here! SF: I don't believe it. Here I was thinking that everyone but me absolutely LOATHED Sue Anna (tm)! Speaking of, you forgot the (tm). She is a legally trademarked doomsday device you know. And I only like her 'cause she was an APPD (All Purpose Plot Device). And I do agree with you. ACBPB: Well, I do support Jubby but not particularly; the only thing that this fic is absolute in is ROMY. I was gonna do that anyway, but now I'm gonna use the word "kajillion" because it interests me. Logan and Sue Anna? I was gonna reintroduce Rodna... but now I can do both! -laughs evilly- I'm so mean to Logan. It's fun! HH: No, not really. It's just bus comic relief because I can't think of anything else... Once again you ppl read my mind! Except it was gonna be a hamster god... but close enough! I'm so happy now because usually I can only count on ETA for suggestions... speaking of, where'd she go? But anyway, now I'm getting them from like everyone so I'm cheerful.)
ON THE X-BUS...
It was about five in the afternoon and it was chaos as usual on the X-bus. Everyone had just noticed that Logan was gone because nobody knew which turnoff to take. Logan being the one with the map, everyone had turned to where his seat was... to discover he was gone.
"Oh crap oh crap oh crap," Ororo muttered.
"At least we've still got the map," Hank said, in a continuing attempt to be cheerful.
"Yes, but no one but Logan even vaguely understood it," Ororo pointed out.
"Maybe we are in trouble," Hank agreed. "At the very least do we know where we're staying?"
Both adults blinked.
"Oh Goddess we're doomed..."
"I know the name!" Kitty cried.
"You do?" Ororo asked. Hank probably would've joined her but he was driving.
"Yeah! It's... um... gimme a sec..."
"We are doomed," Hank said after a second.
"It had a number in the name, maybe seven? Nine? Fourty-two?"
Since Kitty's probably going to be a while, why don't we check up on Jamie and Logan?
THE ADVENTURES OF MULTIPLE AND WOLVERINE!
"Puny mortals! Bow before the greatness that is SUE ANNA (tm)!" cried one of the roaches, standing up. "And... some hamster."
"Mutant roaches," Logan muttered. "Economy sized." (1)
"Mr. Logan? What's going on?"
"I dunno squirt but I doubt it's gonna be pretty..."
It wasn't... unless you're the type to go for bug-on-a-weasel-ball doomsday devices. Yep, rolling from the shadows came Sue Anna (tm). She held up a sign that said, "Hello you pathetic mutants you."
"What do you people want with us?" Jamie asked, cocking his head. (He didn't really understand Sue Anna (tm) having not really been involved with that whole mess...)
"Do not insult us by calling us people! We are roaches! And we serve the great SUE ANNA (tm) and her hamster attendants!" Yep, it was Apocaroach. Go figure.
A hamster and a bunch of little hamsters stepped out from behind Sue Anna (tm). They were all wearing little headbands and loincloths.
Logan (who was getting very fed up with all of this) was just about to snap out his claws and get to the bug-squashing when he saw the hamster. "Rodna! What're you doin' here my hamstery love?!"
The hamster in question squeaked and hid behind Sue Anna (tm).
Sue Anna (tm) held up another sign. This one was directed at Rodna. "You know this creepy mutant freak?"
To everyone's surprise (except Logan's) Rodna spoke. "It's a long story, mistress."
Another sign. "So is everything. The condensed version, if you please?"
"Er... well to make a long story short, Logan-met-me-and-became-obsessed-so-he-follows-me-around-saying-he's-in-love-and-crap."
A third sign. "Okaaaay..."
"I said it was a long story..."
"Uh, 'scuse me," said Jamie. "Are you guys gonna do something or can we leave?"
"Shut up squirt!" Mesmeroach snapped. (You could tell it was him because of the tatoos all over his roachy face.)
"Hey! It's MY job to intimidate the puny mortals!"
"Sorry sir."
"Rodna?" Logan repeated, clearly still in shock.
"Eh heh heh, hello Logan..."
"So are we going to sacrifice them, o powerful one?"
Sue Anna (tm) held up a sign again. "Yes, yes, we'll get to that; don't worry."
"Somehow, I don't feel much better," Jamie mumbled. "Mr. Logan? Can we squash the bugs?"
Logan was too interested in Rodna to answer.
"I'm doomed..."
ON THE X-BUS, A GOOD HALF-HOUR LATER...
"Like! I remember!"
Ororo perked up from where she was banging her head against the seat. "What was it?"
"Super 8!"
"Hey, we passed one of those a few miles back!" Bobby commented.
"Oh Goddess... Hank, stop at a gas station and turn around."
"Doesn't anyone say 'please' anymore?"
"Hank, I've been banging my head against a seat for a good half-hour or so. I'm not exactly of a mind to be courteous!"
"Riiight."
"Just stop, PLEASE."
"Now, was that so hard?"
"Do remember Hank, I've got weather powers." -KRACKABOOM!-
"Er... pulling over miss weather-witch-goddess-ma'am."
"Much better."
So they pulled over. Several teens (Rahne, Sam, Scott, Jean (2) and Amara, to be more precise) got out to go to the bathroom. In the way of fanfic madness, they got left behind, and of course, no one but Rogue noticed. When she did, she leaned her head against the nice cool glass and began to sob quietly.
"Wow, like, Rogue must be kinda upset. Wonder if she, like, misses Remy," Kitty said to Jubilee.
Rogue groaned (well, mentally anyway) and slid down in her seat. Just kill me now...
After the bus drove off, the group of left-behinds gathered together. "What're we gonna do now?" Sam asked.
"Jean, why don't you contact the professor?" Amara suggested.
Jean didn't answer. She was making out with Scott.
"Ok, that puts them out of our assets for a while," Sam commented.
"We're doomed," Rahne mumbled.
"I'd suggest that we look on the bright side," Sam said, "but quite frankly there isn't one."
"Too true," Rahne agreed. "Well, I guess we'd best start walking."
"What about them?" Amara asked, with a nervous look over her shoulder at Jott.
"They're just going to be tortured by the author anyway. Don't worry about it," Sam advised.
"So which way is D.C.?" Amara asked.
"Er..."
"We are doomed."
Back on the bus, Rogue was taking mental inventory. Ok, we're short one fearless leader, one manager (not that we really care but it's good ta know), both drummers (what the hell are we gonna do without them?! ... besides party), a guitarist (Ah can cover for the swamp rat but it still sucks), two backup singers (Good Lord we're doomed) and a male backup. Oh yeah, and our DJ. Having made official note of that, she began to bang her head against the window.
"Doesn't that hurt?" Jubilee asked.
Rogue let her penguin talk for her. -Squeak squeak squeak squeak, squeak squeaky! Squeak squeak squeaky squeak squeakity squeak squeaky squeak squeak squeaky squeak!- Translation: "Of course it does, you idiot! But it's better than having to deal with this!"
THE ADVENTURES OF GAMBIT, NIGHTCRAWLER, PYRO, AND MORPH! (and Shelly)
"Well, it's getting kind of late," said Shelly. "Should we try and find somewhere to stay?"
"Fine," Remy muttered. "But we've only got two days t' get t' de concert."
"Yeah, we know mate," said Pyro, slinging an arm around his friend's shoulders, "but at the least when Rogue kills us we'll all die together."
"She sounds like a wonderfully charming young woman, I assure you," Morph added.
"Y' shut up."
"So where should we stop?" Kurt asked.
"There's a little bar/hotel thingy up ahead a bit," Morph suggested.
"How do y' know all dis crap?" Remy asked as they headed off.
"Well, ever since my parents kicked me out, I made it a point to know all the cheap spots to stay," Morph replied.
"Cheap isn't going to help us," Kurt interjected. "We don't have any money, remember? All of our stuff's back on the bus."
"Oh shit."
"So maybe we can sneak in," John suggested. "Gambit can break us in!"
"Yeah, sure, I could try," Remy said, "but I'd need some spare time..."
"Hey look, they're having live amateur performances," Shelly said, pointing at the sign on the diner. She was completely oblivious to what was going on with the others.
"Perfect..." said John, Remy, and Kurt in unison.
They walked inside. The stage was empty, since it was late. The bar was mainly populated with drunks now, passed-out and otherwise.
"All right, here's de deal," Remy whispered to the others as they walked up to the manager. "Y'all keep de people busy while I convince de manager t' give us a room, d'accord?"
"You're not going to threaten them, are you?" Shelly asked.
Remy smirked as he took off his sunglasses. "'Course not. All it takes is a little Cajun charm. Now y' guys go up dere and sing." He walked up to the bartender and the others huddled in a group.
"Ok, do we know any songs?" Kurt asked.
"Er, I only know one," said Morph as everyone looked at him. "It's kind of nutty too..."
"Well, we're desperate. Can you sing it?"
"Yeah, sure... Pyro, Shel-ness, common... for this song we need a bit of preperation..."
A FEW MINUTES LATER...
Morph, John, and Kurt came on stage, and they stood up in front of the mic. The drunks who weren't unconcious turned to them, half-interested. "Er, all right..."
They cleared their throats, then began the song.
"We are the Pirates who don't do anything
We just sta-ay home and lie around
And if you ask us to do anything-" Kurt took it,
"We'll just te-ell you, we don't do anything!"
Morph took it now. "Well... I've never been to Greenland and I've never been to Denver and I've never buried treasure in St. Louis or St. Paul- GASP- And I've never been to Moscow and I've never been to Tampa and I've never been to Boston in the fall!"
They all sang again. "We are the Pirates who don't do anything
We just sta-ay home and lie around
And if you ask us to do anything-" now Pyro took it,
"We don' do anything!" (3)
Pyro kept on singing. "And I never hoist the mainstay and I never swab the poopdeck and I never veer to starboard 'cause I never sail at all and I never walked the gangplank and I've never owned a parrot and I've never been to Boston in the fall!"
You get the idea, don't you? "'Cause we're the Pirates who don't do anything
We just sta-ay home and lie around
And if you ask us to do anything-" they all kept singing,
"We'll just tell you, we don't do anything!"
Now Kurt took it again. "Well I've never plucked a rooster and I'm not too good at ping-pong and I've never thrown my mashed potatoes up against the wall! And I've never kissed a chipmunk and I've never gotten headlice and I've never been to Boston in the fall!" Morph and John were now staring at him.
The music stopped. "Huh?" Morph asked. "What are you talking about? What does a rooster and mashed potatoes have to do with being a Pirate?"
"Hey, that's right!" Pyro agreed. "We're supposed to sing about piratey things!"
"Oh!"
"And who's ever kissed a chipmunk!" Morph added, then turned to the crowd. "I mean really. Who here has kissed a chipmunk?" Crickets from the crowd. "See what I mean?" he asked, turning back to Kurt. "I mean, that's just nonsense! Why even bring it up? Am I right? What do you think?"
"I think you look like Captain Crunch," Pyro replied solemnly and totally seriously. (3)
"Huh?! No I don't!"
"Do too."
"Do not."
"You're making me hungry."
"That's it! You're walking the plank!"
"Says who? Do we even have a plank!"
"Irrelevant! I'm the captain!"
"Oh yeah?! Aye aye, Cap'n CRUNCH!"
"Arrgh!" Morph began to chase John around the bar, while Remy kept on shmoozing (sp?) with the bartender and Kurt went on singing.
"And I've never licked a spark plug and I've never sniffed a stink bug and I've never painted daisies on a big red rubber ball! And I've never bathed in yogurt and I don't look good in plaids-"
Morph stopped in his chasing of Pyro to stare. "You just don't get it."
Pyro and Morph stopped trying to kill each other long enough to sing, "And we've never been to Boston in the fall!"
Shelly had been watching all of this from the bar. As the guys headed back she nearly fell off her stool laughing. "Oh my GOD that was funny!"
"How's Gambit doing?" Kurt asked.
"Seriously, what was up with the chipmunk thing?"
"Got us a room!" said Remy. "And dat's lessee..." Remy pulled out a little book. "Got fifteen more numbers for m' little black book."
"I thought you were obsessed with this 'Rogue' girl," Morph pointed out, spinning around on his stool.
"It a status t'ing," said Remy.
"Let me guess, you are a secret member of a society that uses the number of girl's phone numbers they've collected to make a sacrifice to the bayou or something," said Shelly, sipping a beer.
"How'd y'- wait, where'd you get de beer?"
"Funny how much free stuff you can get if you bend over in that uniform," said Shelly.
Morph grabbed the keys to the room and went to check it out.
"We'd better follow him so he doesn't lock us out," Shelly commented.
"Who cares?! There's alcohol!" the other guys chorused.
"You've all done this before haven't you?"
"Yep," they agreed as they raided the bar.
"Where's the bartender anyway?" Shelly askes, spinning to face them.
"He wasn't susceptible t' m' empathy so I smacked him over de head wit' m' bo staff and stole his keys."
"Good strategy."
(Well, that was late, but it was longer and I hope funnier. Do review with suggestions, especially for the bus-capades, Jott torture, and the whole thing with the newbies. Also, if you want a bit-part as a mutant, I need: your basic physical description, your personality (summed up), desired powers, and favorite curse exclamations. You won't get as big a part as Shelly 'cause that was a RYID (random yet irrevocable decision) and she's just fun to tease.)
(1) Quoted from the TAS ep I happened to turn on while writing that bit. Funny how things work out.
(2) They're only left behind for torture reasons of course.
(3) This is a joke because Mr. Lunt sings this song and that's the part I had Pyro play in Mutants and Vegetables Just Don't Mix... eh maybe not so much if you've never heard the song. And also I just found out that Lunt's Cajun so I should've put Remy in for that... that sucks.