Disclaimer: "You are a member of a secret government society that polices and controls alien activity on Earth." "There is a free mental health clinic at the corner of 3rd and Oak."

(An: Well, here we go again... I'm barely awake so this should be interestin'... ok here goes nuttin. ACBPB: Oooh! Forge! I like Forge! A spider cult that worships monkeys? Now THAT'S insane... I'm so using it. Planet of the Apes II? COOL! I'll stick you in... somewhere but it probably won't be soon... SF: Chex Mix? Ooh, I love Chex Mix! CDLOC: It was "The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything" theme song. It was weird and nuts so I thought it would be perfect for here! HH: -blinks- Okaaaaaay.... They're the X-men! It's what they do... and anyway it's "in the way of fanfic madness". It's like sitcom madness except worse because there's no pretense of a plot to keep it stable. I swear in French all the time... heh heh I taught all the little kids "merde"... prolly gonna get in trouble for that eventually but I will stick you in before they haul me off to the looney bin... I think. Rage-girl-05: Yes, I've noticed your reviews popping up... And I didn't even realize that about the penguin! -cackles delightedly- Goes to show how long it's been since I watched it... Everyone notices the spork thing... what is up with that? I like to do Jott torture and everyone else enjoys it but the second didn't really have much... anyway it's humor section so I'm not allowed to do any full-out Romyness just hint at it and crap but I have a lot of Romy fics in my favorites list and -cough-even some I've written -cough-. Yeah I'm making him a little naive but that's because it's fun.)

BACK ON THE X-BUS...

It was pretty late- about 10 in fact- and the X-men had finally found their hotel... as usual I'm undercomplicating things. To make a long story short, they went through three different Super 8's which were all in the same basic area to discover that neither was the one they wanted and that they had to drive another hour and a half to get to the one they had reservations at. (1)

The Super 8 they finally found... well to be frank it sucked. The beds were as hard as rock, cousins of Jamie's mutant cockroaches existed in the bathrooms and hissed whenever someone tried to turn on the light, the TV's only got three channels and the lights required a smack beneath their section of wall to work.

The room listings went as such:

In Room 105 would've been Rahne and Amara, and since no one claimed that room that made everyone notice that they were missing.

In Room 106 would've been Sam and Bobby, but since Sam was gone Bobby got the room to himself. Needless to say he didn't celebrate over this like he would've considering the horrid room.

In Room 107 would've been Scott and Rob, but since Scott was gone Rob got the room to himself... Rob did celebrate since he didn't have old stick-up-the-bum to deal with.

In Room 108 was Rogue and Kitty. Kitty was enjoying herself with watching Rogue slowly freak out as she began to realize the repercussions of this.

In Room 109 was Jubilee and Tabby. Their room probably wouldn't survive the night.

In Room 110 would've been Remy and John, but since they were gone they just sent all of the mutant cockroaches in there.

In Room 111 would've been Kurt and Ray, but you get the idea, don't you.

Hank got Room 112 to himself, since Logan was missing, and the others got lumped into the largest room at the end of the hallway.

THE ADVENTURES OF CANNONBALL, WOLFSBANE, AND MAGMA!

"Ok, why don't we ask the people back in the gas station to help us?" Rahne suggested.

"Ok... Amara, you do it," said Sam.

"Why must I mingle with commoners?"

"Because I have to go to the bathroom, and- where'd Rahne go?"

Rahne had changed into wolf-form, and was sniffing the ground.

"Hey! Rahne!"

Rahne jerked up her head and barked.

WHAT SAM SAID: "Did you pick up the others' trail?"

WHAT RAHNE HEARD: "Blah blah blah blah blah blahy blah."

Rahne barked again.

WHAT RAHNE SAID: "Wait just a second while I go squash this mammoth buggy."

WHAT SAM HEARD: "Woof!"

WHAT SAM SAID: "I'll take that as a yes... come on Amara."

WHAT RAHNE HEARD: "Blah blah blah blah blah blah... blah blah Amara."

Rahne gave a doggy shrug and walked off, still with her nose to the ground. Sam and Amara followed. After a few minutes it became apparent what she was tracking. "Oh. My. God. What the heck is that?!" Amara cried, hiding behind Sam.

"Girls are such... babies?"

WHAT RAHNE SAID: "I said I had to squash the buggy!"

WHAT SAM AND AMARA HEARD: "Woof!"

Rahne turned back into human form and stared down the truly gigantic goggle-wearing (2) spider that was leering at her.

WHAT THE SPIDER SAID: "Yo dudes!"

WHAT THEY HEARD: "HISSSS!!!"

"I said I had to squash the bug," Rahne repeated. She went lupine (that's the halfway form), jumped atop the spider, and began gnawing on its head.

WHAT THE SPIDER SAID: "Hey, neat trick! That tickles! I'm so bringing you guys to my party!"

WHAT SAM AND AMARA HEARD: "HISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSIIIISSSSHHHH!!!"

WHAT RAHNE HEARD: "BLAAAAAAAAHHHHHAAAAALLLLBBB!!!"

The spider used the little arm-thingies in front of its mouth to scoop up Sam and 'Mara, and then headed off.

"That is the LAST time I take directions from a dog," Amara muttered, trying to power up so the thing would drop her.

Rahne gave up on the bug squashing and turned human again, panting. "Hey, this is actually a pretty nice view! And I'm a WOLF, thank ye very much!"

AT THE SUPER 8...

Bobby, out of extreme boredom (the only show the TVs picked up that wasn't news was really old episodes of "The Drew Carey Show"), headed down to the pool, followed by Rob, Ray, and a slightly fried looking Tabby and Jubes.

The pool was the vague size of the aisle on the X-bus, squashed somewhat, with suspiciously warm water. There was another teenager in there, who spoke only Spanish. He and Rob got on well enough, and after a few minutes of splashing around, Bobby challenged him and Rob to a game of basketball, pointing at the hoop that was dangling over one side of the pool and the slightly soggy ball.

"I'm gonna open up a can of whoop ass on you two!" Ray shouted, since it was Ray and Bobby vs. Rob and the Spanish guy.

The Spanish guy leaned over to Rob. "¿Qué él dijo?"(What did he say?)

"I'm que va a abrir la lata de a de WHOOP ASS!" (3) Rob translated.

The Spanish guy nodded. "Ah, si."

IN ROGUE AND KITTY'S ROOM...

"Ok," said Kitty, who had a notebook in her lap, "let's, like, see who we've got left. We have two bassists, one regular guitarist, our lead singer/guitarist, our keyboard player, one back-up singer, both genders... we're like doomed. If we lose any more, like, people in the next two days we're gonna, like, die."

Rogue nodded, looking depressed. She squeaked her penguin sadly. Even Kitty got the translation of "We're doomed."

BACK TO WOLFSBANE, CANNONBALL AND MAGMA...

Rahne jumped off the spider. "Where are we?"

WHAT THE SPIDER SAID: "The almighty spider temple! Home sweet home, yo!"

WHAT THE OTHERS HEARD: "hIIIISSSssssSSS yo!"

"Uh, we'll take your word on that," Sam said with a slow nod.

The 'almighty spider temple' was a large, Aztec-esque building with spider paintings all over it. The spider chattered cheerfully away while leading them through it. The X-group nodded at what they hoped were the right spots throughout.

The spider stopped at a large, open room, where a bunch of spiders were dancing.

"It's like a giant rave pit," said Sam.

"But with spiders," Rahne agreed.

WHAT THE SPIDER SAID: "I gotta go DJ now. Go party, yo!"

WHAT THE OTHERS HEARD: "HisssSSSdjssssssshhh yo!"

"That's not the weird part," said Amara. She pointed across the room, where there were two, large, guilt thrones. "That is! Look!"

Seated on said thrones were monkeys. Big, brown monkeys. They were bobbing their heads to the music.

Hesitantly the X-group approached the pit. The spider who'd been talking to them went over to the turntable, put on a pair of headphones, and started a record. Very odd lyrics started pumping through the room. What lyrics you ask? These lyrics!

Chihuahua! x4
Oh, Chihuahua!
I'm walking in the street
And the moon shine's bright
A little melody keeps feeling on my mind tonight
I gotcha!
It's the song about Chihuahua
Yeah, that's cool alright
It was fun
And a life without sorrow
Feels young
And when you think about tomorrow
Say YO!
When you're about to freak out
Just go and then shout it out loud
Chihuahua here
Chihuahua there
Everybody wants it everywhere
Sing it loud
And life can be so easy
What can make you move, Chihuahua
Can you feel the groove Chihuahua
What can make you dance
Oh Chihuahua!
What can make you sing Chihuahua
Take it and you win Chihuahua
What can bring you joy
Oh Chihuahua!
I'm driving in my car
Looking for a parking space
There it is my place someone else wins the race
NO, I give up
Today is not my day
But then I take a deep breathe and say:
Calm down
When you're about to go crazy
Turn around
And feel as fresh as a daisy
Just run
Because it's time to go
Have fun and let the whole world know
Chihuahua here
Chihuahua there
Everybody wants it everywhere
Sing it loud
And life can be so easy Chihuahua
What can make you move Chihuahua
Can you feel the groove Chihuahua
What can make you dance
Oh Chihuahua!
What can make you sing Chihuahua
Take it and you win Chihuahua
What can bring you joy
Oh Chihuahua!
Chihuahua (4x)
Oh Chihuahua!
What can make you move Chihuahua
Can you feel the groove Chihuahua
What can make you dance
Oh Chihuahua!
What can make you shout Chihuahua
What it's all about Chihuahua
What can make you love
Oh Chihuahua!

Anyway, after that nutty but oddly addicting song, one of the monkeys clapped his hands. Instant silence and stillness.

WHAT KING MONKEY SAID: "Bring the newcomers, so that we may initiate them into our order!"

WHAT THE X-GROUP HEARD: Ditto. Apparently King Monkey could speak English, unlike the spiders.

The spider DJ put down his headphones and walked over.

WHAT DJ SPIDER SAID: "Come on, let's try not to infuriate the King."

WHAT THE X-GROUP HEARD: "Hissssshhiiiissshhh."

They shrugged and followed the spider. The crowd of previously dancing spiders parted around them as they went, staring at them with sets of eight eyes each.

ARACNAPHOBES WHO ARE READING THIS: -picturing it- Oh... dear... god...

The DJ spider pushed them up in front of the thrones.

WHAT DJ SPIDER SAID: "Er... the humans, your kingliness..."

WHAT THE X-GROUP HEARD: "Er... hisssssshhh... kingliness..."

King Monkey gestured and the spider backed off. The monkey leaned forward and inspected the X-group. "So... DJ Spider brought you here, eh?"

"Uh... yeah... I guess," said Sam.

"If ye mean the mammoth buggy with the goggles, then aye," Rahne agreed, nodding.

King Monkey raised his eyebrow. "Anyway... you have proved to be funky dancers and conducive to the almighty Chihuahua song. So we're going to initiate you into our spider cult."

"..."

"Don't worry, it doesn't hurt," said King Monkey. "Fetch the Almighty Eye Poker!"

"Is everything around here almighty?" Amara asked, having not gotten the "eye poker" part.

"Pretty much, yeah," said King Monkey, nodding. "Adding almighty makes everything sound cooler."

We'll leave them in an undetermined state of peril, shall we?

THE ADVENTURES OF GAMBIT, NIGHTCRAWLER, PYRO, AND MORPH! (and Shelly)

After a few hours of being drunk, the group discovered one big problem: Morph was gone. Nobody could find him.

"Maybe he's outside," Kurt suggested.

"We'll split up," said Remy. "Shelly, y' go look outside, Pyro, y' check around de bar, and Kurt an' me'll look 'round de rooms."

Shelly headed outside. She cupped her hands around her mouth and yelled, "Jeremy! Hilary! Mr. Boob! Where are you?" (4)

In response, a man nearby flashed a pair of pink bunny ears. Shelly spotted it. "Oi! Morph!"

Morph cackled madly, changed to his normal form, and ran off.

Shelly sighed. "This is gonna be harder than I thought."

Back at the bar, Pyro was prodding random drunks and asking them, "Are you Morph?"

-poke- "Are you Morph?"

The drunk guy opened one eye. "Mmmph."

"Uh..."

Drunky held up a fist.

"Uh.."

Drunky punched Pyro, who fell backwards onto a table and passed out.

Upstairs, Kurt and Remy were smacking random doors to see if they would open (they didn't think Morph would be smart enough to lock it).

Kurt found one that did open. He quickly shut it.

"What was behind dere?" Remy asked.

"Bugs! Big bugs!"

Remy rolled his eyes and went on with his life.

Speaking of bugs...

THE ADVENTURES OF MULTIPLE AND WOLVERINE!

Jamie gave up on trying to reason with Logan, who was staring rapturously at Rodna, and sighed. "Ok, Jamie, time to prove yourself." He smacked himself on the chest, producing five other Jamies, who blinked at him. "Ok, dupes, it's bug squashin' time!" The other dupes nodded and smacked themselves on the chest, producing five other Jamies of their own, and so on and so on until there were about 200 Jamies in all. "Ok, troops, move out!" The other Jamies nodded and turned to face the cockroaches.

"What... are you doing?"

The Jamies cackled like he did in "Mindbender" and they began to methodically squash the bugs.

"Run for your lives!!!" Mesmeroach yelled.

The cockroaches paniced and started skittering in all directions, making it even easier for the Jamies to squash them.

After about five minutes the only sentient beings (I use the term loosely) in the room were Sue Anna (tm), several Jamies (who were trying to figure out who was the original), Wolverine, and Rodna and several of her acolyte hamsters. Logan was trying to reason with Rodna, who was waiting for him to shut up so she could get on with her life. "Just go away!"

"NEVER!!!"

Rodna began to bang her head on the ground.

"So... Ms. Sue Anna lady-"

"It's Sue Anna (tm). In bold, like that. No Ms. I have no gender," said Sue Anna (tm) by way of sign.

"Um, ok," said Jamie. "If you're not a girl, how come Apocalypse won't leave you alone?"

Another sign. "That is something I've been trying to figure out since the author dragged in this plot device..."

"Ok... so can we go now?"

"I suppose... my cockroach minions are gone anyway." There was a beep and a door in the wall opened. "Go on then. Bring your... thing with you."

"What thing- oh, come on, Mr. Logan."

"Very good."

Jamie blinked, and then walked out, dragging Logan along with him.

(Ok... that's that. BTW, Di, I did intend to make you Jamie and Logan's rescuer, but you never gave me a description (or at least your favorite swear sayings)... so if you could tell me that I can make you the bartender, k? Everybody else, you get parts in the band, savvy? I need suggestions for: Things Morph could hide as, hotel antics, and the Jamie and Logan stuff... pretty much everything but the thing with the newbies, clear?)

(1) All of this stuff... real life shit man. We tried to go to Ilinois... without a map... without a clue, even though we're right above it... it was madness!

(2) Besides bucket hats, pretty much the coolest accessory evar.

(3) Quote from Scrubs. I've just always wanted to use it.

(4) Quote from Yellow Submarine, my favorite movie... Shelly's obsessed with it too... and Morph's acting like the Nowhere Man from said movie, who has bunny ears that spotaneously appear and disappear a lot.