Disclaimer: "If I recall, it was two days ago, with a cup of soda and a smile." "Gee, if I had a nickel for every time I tried to make friends with a guy by pouring soda down his pants and only got a kick in the crotch..."
(An: Well... here we go again. HH: Odd. I've always wanted to use that line too. I'll put it in... somewhere... CDLOC: Thankee. ACBPB: My dear rabbit, how could I NOT use something so insane? It sounds like... something I would come up with, to tell the truth. DAMN girl, talk about overacheiving... not that I'm complaining... I'll make it a contest to use as many as I can throughout this part. And me best friend Kitty's an aracnaphobe too. I just KNOW she's gonna give me an odd look or slap me when she sees that part. Di: You know what's scary? 'Cept for the swear words and hair and eye color, you sound like Shelly. Creepy no? And you by any chance didn't see the scene from coupling with the ostrich-and-mongoose couples therapy? I haven't seen it, but Shelly did, and now when she gets hyper she does her mongoose impression and bites me... hell, I should use that! SF: Oh, thankee, I didn't have ANY ideas for the hotel bit. Thorn: Sure, I'll fit ye in somewhere. RG05: Confused much? Okieday, dunno if anyone's gonna read this BUT my 'rents have limited the laptop time so my updates will be substantially slower.)
For those of you who don't feel like reading the review, A Cute But Psycho Bunny's list of Morph things: A slutty nurse. A drunk prostitute trying to woo Remy. A lighter that John picks up. A sexy bartender. Shelly's long lost twin. Oprah Winfrey. Jerry Springer. (Especially if one of the two mysteriously show up) Mystique. Kurt's long lost twin brother with the exact same name. Belladonna. A ghost. Charles Xavier. Eric Lensherr. The Crocodile Dundee Dude. Stitch from Lilo and Stitch. Raven from That's So Raven. Ashlee Simpson. Eminem. Rap Boy (yes, I know he's Eminem, but the super suit is hilarious!). The Riddler. A 10 year-old boy. A Friend Of Humanity. Pietro. A little girl with a lollipop and/or ice cream cone. An Elvis look-alike. Bam Margera. Billy from Good Charlotte. The Midget Dude From Jackass. The White Rabbit...on time. A worm. Spyke. Scott. Jean. JOTT. A bucket of water. Beast. Logan. A mutant cocaroach. A penniless sitar player. A half-insane writer. A hobo trying to make friends. A fangirl. Ororo. Batman. Some crazy person running around with their underwear on the outside and singing their own lame theme song. Cuzco as a Llama from The Emperor's New Groove. Summer from School of Rock. A map. Mushu from Mulan. Ten-Second Tom from 50 First Dates. A French maid. Jean-Luc. Bobby (if so, it'd be even funnier if he runs into Pyro). John/Pyro from X-Men: The Movie. Better yet, Rogue from X-Men: The Movie. Ashton Kutcher Punking people. Xzibit Pimping someone's ride. Verona from Van Helsing. Dracula. Frankenstein. An arachnephobic (no clue if that's spelled right). Captain Jack Sparrow. Orlando Bloom as Paris from Troy running around handing out condoms (get it? Trojan Man...Paris is Trojan...). A white boy wannabe rapper. Michael Jackson. Marylin Manson. Mandy Moore. Britney Spears in the sluttiest thing imagineable. Hilary Duff. Harry Potter. Draco Malfoy. Marlen (I have no clue how to spell the dude's name) Waynes dressed up as a White Chick. Alex from Charlie's Angels. Natalie from Charlie's Angels. Dylan from Charlie's Angels (one after the other). A British lady drinking tea. Professor Snape. Starfire from Teen Titans. Arcade. A Jamaican breakdancer. A Tahitian dancer. A ballerina. A mime. A tapdancer. Robin Hood from Robin Hood: Men in Tights. The prince dude from Cinderella starring Brandy. Lindsay Lohan. Aaron Carter. Nick Carter. Neo from The Matrix. Lance. A pirate. Gogo Yubari (the girl with the mace) from Kill Bill. Vin Diesel. Freddy Prinze Jr (I forgot how to spell the dude's last name). Tyra Banks. Simon from American Idol. Austin Powers. Will Ferrel. Dr. Evil. Mini Me. Seth Green. Lockheed. Forge. A surfer dude (no not Alex...a really stupid one). A high school cheerleader. Better yet, Courtney (the bleach blonde slut) from Bring It On. Jamie. A prep. A Goth. A ditzy blonde Valley Girl. A Marylin Monroe lookalike. A pole dancer dancing on a pole. Santa Claus. A leprechaun. The Easter Bunny. A live turkey. A Playboy Bunny. A cowboy. A hippie. A monk. A friar. Better yet, Friar Tuck. Will Scarlet. Will Turner from PotC. Commodore Norrington from PotC. Gwen Stefani. An insomniac with a tinfoil hat. Keep score now. You know what's really scary? The ones that aren't specific to something sound... a hell of a lot like me. -points at 'half-insane writer' and 'insomniac with tinfoil hat'- Speaking of, where did I put that thing? The penguins could be reading my mind right now and I'd never know... scary shit dude.
THE ADVENTURES OF GAMBIT, NIGHTCRAWLER, PYRO, AND MORPH! (and Shelly)
Gambit gave up on trying to find Morph. Instead he headed down to the bar, hoping to drown his problems in alcohol. He walked up to the bar and was about to order a burbon on the rocks, when he was slapped. Very hard. One might even call it a bitch-slap. "Ow! What was dat for?" Remy asked, rubbing his cheek. He looked around to see his attacker. He settled on one very P.O.'ed Brit teen with a large bruise spreading on one side of her face.
"For smacking me over the head with a retractable metal stick, stealing my beer, and STEALING MY KEYS!!!" she responded.
Remy's focus finally came all the way back and he saw that yes, it was the barkeep he'd knocked out. Hmm, the warranty on m' bo staff must have run out. "Chere?"
"Don't try that I-don't-speak-English crap on me!" roared the enraged Brit. "You owe me twenty bucks for all that alcohol!"
"Y' pretty young for a barkeep," said Remy, inspecting her.
"Don't change the subject!"
"Look, petite-"
"And DON'T call me short!"
"All right, fine, what's your name?"
"NOT that it's ANY of your business, but I'm- ...what the heck is that?" She pointed at a purple thing making its way across the bar. It was the rough size of a pit bull, with a head structure similiar to one, and it was muttering to itself.
"...I don' know."
It hopped on a table, sniffed a half-empty glass of beer, and drank it, finishing off with a satisfied burp. It then made its way out, its path a bit more twisty now.
"Oh, gods, you must have hit me on the head pretty hard."
"Wait... oh crap that was him!" Remy dashed up and ran after the purple thing.
The barkeep blinked, then remembered her unpaid tab. "Smeg head," she muttered, and started after him.
Remy ran outside, then looked around for the purple thing. It was gone, but in its place was a woman... a very creepy woman. She was dressed in a belt- wait, a skirt, sorry, big, knee-height white boots, and... well I hesitate to say a bra, but I suppose it must've been one. She walked over... er, sorry, I messed up again. She staggered over. By the smell on her breath she was VERY drunk. "Hey sweet cheeks... how about one on the house?"
Remy edged away.
"Aw, come on, issa deal," said the slut.
"Hey! Get out of here! I told you, no ANYTHING outside my shop!" The barkeep came running over, waving a stick.
"Arright, arright, juss put down the sticky thingy," said the slut. She ran off.
"Pretty limber for someone who's supposedly stone drunk," the barkeep snapped.
"I don' know whether t' thank y' or run away t' someplace saner," said Remy. "Who are y', anyway?!"
"My name's Alie," she replied. "And you CAN'T run away, NOT until you pay your tab!"
Suddenly a girl sprang out of the bushes. "O. M. G. It's him!!!" She hopped around Remy adoringly. She put a hand on his shoulder. Remy flinched. "Oh. My. God. I TOUCHED him! I actually TOUCHED HIM! AAAAH!!!!" She swooned and nearly fell.
"What the bloody hell?"
"Getitawaygetitawaygetitaway!!!" Remy yelled, and jumped out of her reach. "Where are you all COMING FROM!!!"
"A bush," said the fangirl, as though it was obvious. "The Bush Travel Agency, to be more exact. Can I have your autograph?"
"W-What?"
"Your au-to-graph? Or, better yet, a picture!" She pulled a polaroid out of her pocket.
"Er... RUN AWAY!" And Remy and Alie did just that.
The fangirl blinked, and then shrugged. "Oh well..."
They hid behind a bush. "Ok... what the hell was that all about?"
"No clue," Alie agreed.
Suddenly there was a thump. "Bunny bunny bunny!"
"Agh!"
A Playboy Bunny was hopping over. She was wearing the normal suit and stuff, and then her high heels snapped. "Aw nuts! I broke my shoe!" She picked up the snapped heel and attempted to put it back on, bending over, giving Remy and Di a good and bad view, respectively.
Di's eye twitched. "Need... brain bleach..."
"Ditto."
"Well, that's not very nice!"
Remy blinked. "Ok, dat's it. I'm gettin' sick o' dis." He pitched a card at the Bunny, which set her hair on fire. She gasped, and hopped around a bit, before turning into a bucket of water. The fire went out.
"That's better," said the bucket.
"Gettim!" Remy cried, springing out of the bush.
The water bucket stepped aside, allowing Remy to do a face-plant on the pavement. "...Medic..."
"Die!" The bucket of water became Gogo Yabari (Mace Chick) with said mace. She was about to smack Remy with it when Di threw out her hand. There was that weird "I'm-usin'-telekinesis-ain't-it-cooly" sound and Gogo fell over. "That's cheating!" she yelled... in Morph's voice.
"Gettim!" Remy yelled again, somewhat muffled by the asphalt.
Di was about to use her SC (supercool) TK on him-her again when he-she (this guy is a grammatical NIGHTMARE) ran off. "Oh shiiiitake mushrooms."
"Dis is rated PG y' know. Y' can swear. And drink. And stuff."
Di helped him up and they were going to go off in search of Morph when he- SHE revealed himself- herself. She was wearing a red-and-white cheerleading uniform. "God, it's freezing out here," she muttered, before putting on a botox-blocked grin and grabbing pom-poms that apparently appeared out of nowhere. "U! G! L! Y! You ain't got no alibi! You ugly! Yeah yeah, you ugly!" She did a funny little dance. "Spaghetti arms, limp butt, bad hair, LOSER!" (That's all I remember of the song... shall we move on?)
"Ok... what?" Di asked, cocking her head and clearly Not Getting the SO-American ref.
"Who cares! Tackle him- her!"
She cackled and ducked behind The Bush again. When she came out, she was Gwen Stefani. "If I were a rich girl, nananananananananana, I'd have all the money in the world! Something something something If I were a wealthy girl!" She began to dance around.
Remy jumped at him- HER and both were quickly stopped by Di, hands in the air. "All right, you smeg-heads what the heck is going on?!"
"If I were a rich girl-"
"I have no idea! Morph got drunk, and he's a shapeshifter, so I guess he's doing all these impressions as a result."
"If I were a wealthy-"
"SHUT UP!!!"
"NEVER!!! Love Angel Music Baby!" She...? wiggled in Di's telekinetic grip.
"Ok, how 'bout dis: y' drop us bot' on de count o' t'ree and I tackle him?"
"Fine." And she did just that... without waiting for a count.
Morph- "IT'S GWEN, GODDAMMIT!!!"- MORPH turned into a mongoose and skittered behind his Changing Bush. He came out as a ballerina. "CUE MUSIC!!!" There was some muttering and then "Swan Lake" began playing in the background. He began to dance.
Remy and Di were simply too shocked to move. "Oh. Mon. Dieu. He's completely insane."
"Thank you, thank you," said Morph!ballerina. He ducked behind the Almighty Bush of Transforming- "ENOUGH with the cutesy nicknames! It's a bush! A highly convenient bush, but a bush nonetheless!"
-"Just trying to make it interesting, jeez."-
"Who is he talking to?" Di asked.
"M' first guess would be de author, but she's nowhere near here."
"...You're all completely insane."
"Oh, I wouldn' say completely. Kurt's still got a brain cell or two."
"..."
"Everybody says dat."
Morph, right on cue, sprang out from his bush again. "Pip pip, cheerio, and all that," said the British lady he'd turned into.
Di twitched. "Oh shiny red buttons."
Remy raised an eyebrow, but tried to tackle Morph again anyway. For a guy in a skirt, he was pretty limber, managing to side-step Remy (without spilling the tea), who for the third (I think, anyway, I've kind of lost track) time landed on the asphalt parking lot. "Dieu, dat stings."
Morph cackled and ducked back into the Bush of Doom! "CUT THAT OUT!"
-"Sorry, couldn't resist."-
He jumped out as Britney Spears wearing her snake... only her snake.
"OH GOD!"
"Got dat right." Remy averted his eyes and began digging in his pockets. He came out with his bo staff and attempted to smack Morph with it.
"Watch it! He's toxic!"
"OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD!"
-"Ok, seriously. Get out of here. The HELL out of here. WTF is wrong with you?"-
"Aright, aright," Morph muttered and ducked behind his bush. He came back fully dressed... well, sort of. He was now Ms. Slutty Nurse (tm). Meaning that the little white lab-coat he was wearing only came down just past her underwear... damn, I'm confused. "What is up with all the women?!"
-"I thought it would be funny to have Remy do all the girl shape-shifting on the list."-
"You suck."
-"I get that aaaall the time."-
"Who is he talking to?!" Di snapped.
Remy shrugged. "De voices in his head, p'raps?"
-"Seems my mind-control machine is finally working."-
"You have a mind-control machine and you never told me?!"
-"Why do you think I'm getting you to do all this stuff? Aaaanyway..."-
Morph pulled a needle out of her pocket. He- she! squeezed it, letting liquid drip off the tip.
"Ok, dat would be extremely sexy if I didn' know who y' were. Why can't you jus' cut it out and give us de keys back?"
"NEVER!!!" Ms. Slutty Nurse (tm) proclaimed, and ran off... well as fast as one can run in high heels that are designed to click and stab bugs. He? ducked behind the bush again and came out to music, as Marylin Monroe pole-dancing while singing the "Happy Birthday" song. "Happy happy birthday, from all of us to you! We wish it was our birthday so we could party too!"
"Er..." said Remy and Di in unison.
"That's just creepy," said Di.
"Oui," Remy agreed.
Marylin finished her dance, then winked and ducked back beneath the bush. "You know what's really scary? This is actually kind of fun..."
-"...That IS scary.."-
"Not the being women thing, but seeing the freaked out look on Remy's face," Lindsey Lohan protested.
"Tell me this is a bad dream," Di begged.
"Whatever he's on, I wan' some," Remy agreed.
Morph, due to time restraints, didn't do anything as Lindsey, or as Hilary Duff, or as Ashlee Simpson (GAAH!!), or as Raven Symone (sp?), just pretended to sing like they do. Gah. The song went like this: "That girl was -bzzt- so yesterday -bzzt- like pieces of me -bzzt- it's supernatural!"
"Okaaaay..."
"Don' y' recognize de songs? It creepy."
"I'm British, and this is one of those rare moments when I'm acutely aware and proud of it."
Morph ducked back down into the bush, and then came out in a French maid outfit. It might've been -just- a French maid, except for the way Remy reacted.
"Ok, dat's jus' not right," Remy mumbled, and tried to hide behind Alie.
"Bonjour, cher," said Belladonna.
"GETERAWAYFROMME!!!!!"
"Who the heck is she, anyway?" Di asked, cocking her head.
"I'm his fiancee," Belladonna replied, with a smile... well it doesn't really count because her face is frozen that way thanks to the botox, but that's not really the point so sorry.
"Ok, that is scary. Change into someone less abhorrent, if you please."
"Such children," Belladonna said, but complied, ducking behind -duh duh duh!- SUPER BUSH!!! "I SAID T' CUT DAT OUT!!!"
-cackles! "NEVER!"-
"Followin' in de tradition o' annoyin' Cajuns..." Jean-Luc LeBeau stepped from SB. "Turn dat 'round, y' get de initials for bullshit."
"AAH!" Remy gave up on hiding behind Di and ducked into a bush.
"What now? ...or rather who?"
"Jean-Luc LeBeau, at y'r service," he said. "...dat don' mean a t'ing t' y', does it."
"Nope."
"Dis is EVIL! EEEEEVIL!!!"
"What is he going on about?"
"I don' know, dis is jus' what shape I was supposed change into," said the confused Jean-Luc.
"So why not move on?"
"Give me a few more seconds t' revel in his despair."
"You've got ten."
"Fifteen."
"Six, five, four, three, two, one. Now change back, you twazzak."
"Fine, fine," Jean-Luc muttered, and ducked back behind the bush. A second later, a redhead in an overly tight purple miniskirt and gogo boots came out. "I feel odd doing this. Can we move on?"
-"Yeah, I need to move on anyway and this is the best one."-
He ducked behind SB for the last time and came out as that awful Rogue wannabe, Anna Paquin.
Remy dared to poke out from his hiding bush. "...Chere?"
"Rogue" dusted herself off. "Yeah, what?"
Remy stood up, and inspected her. "Oh, dat's jus' wrong!"
"What?"
"No accent, blue eyes! Damn, dis is jus' creepy!"
"WHAT are you going on about?"
"Well, this is what she told me to act like," said the perplexed "Rogue".
"'M gonna go inside and drink until I forget dis," said Remy, and headed back to the bar to do just that.
"Can I have my keys back now?"
Morph turned into his normal form and pitched the keys at her. He walked off, cackling.
(There y' go. Sorry that took so long, but like I've said, I've had my computer time restricted somewhat so more've a cramped schedule, savvy? Next time: Morph's mad adventure, Part TWO! I need suggestions for: almighty torture devices and The Ritual with the monkeys, Super 8 antics, and where Jamie and Logan can go now.)