Disclaimer: "I can see you as one of those grumpy old men sitting in a cafe, watching the people pass and saying, 'Oh, these people, they make my ass twitch.'" (1)
(An: I -love- snow days. -leans back in chair and snickers- Below zero temps give me such a lovely reason to stay inside all day. HH: Yeah, I know what you mean... I can see him, sitting on the couch, yelling "WHERE WERE DESE WOMEN BEFORE I MET ROGUE?!" and then the shrink going "Ja, Ja, let it out, let it out," and then whispering into a mic "get the sedative!" CDLOC: Yes, it was rather stupid, wasn't it? ACBPB: Actually I wanted to save Kurt for last 'cause he's my favorite char and I want to torture him specially! -cocks head- General Pengy? I always thought he was kind of fun... Fish-wielding?! How often do you get to use a phrase like that? Ooh, yay and woot! Amara/Sam/Rahne ideas! You have a habit of going off on tangents, don't you? I'm gonna! That sounded fun! Renee the poolboy!? Cooly! I like your suggestions. They sound like stuff I would come up with after no sleep and much caffeine. Di: Okay... that's rather odd... Yes, yes, I know. -pats hand while edging away- Of course! You're Remy's ally person! You know what? I've got so many seperate mini-fics going in this that I could just have every sef-insert be a helper person! I'm gonna use that! RG05: There's never a point. All this is is a bunch of meaningless jokes and the lot. SF: Disturbing people is fun! Me and my friend Noelle disturb people by talking about Bob the Mexican... it's a long story. Oh, you just gave me a new idea! You rock! I must warn you all, this chapter will be full of injokes and such thanks to SF... not that it's her fault she just reminded me of that. Ok, so I've changed my mind about the self-insert band, I think there'll be enough mini-fics for you all to be allies to the lost and not-lost X-people... or at the very least illegal immigrants with me, Noelle, Kitty, and Bob.)
Ok, first, the OFFICIAL FRIENDY LIST! (these were random decisions, mark that)
Remy's friendy: Di
Kurt's friendy: A Cute Yet Psycho Bunny
Pyro's friendy: Shelly
Jamie and Logan's friendies: Heartsyhawk, myself, Noelle, Kitty, and Bob the Mexican
The Newbies' friendy: Thorn
THE ADVENTURES OF THE X-PEOPLE!
Rogue and Kitty were debating over going into the pool. Rogue had pulled out a legal pad and was writing slowly and in large print on it. "BUT I'LL ABSORB SOMEBODY!"
"Oh, come on, we'll just leave you in your clothes."
"YOU WANT ME... TO GO SWIMMING... IN MY CLOTHES. ARE YOU INSANE WOMAN?!"
"Well, like,- no! Come on, please?" Kitty opened up her eyes real wide and did the Angelic Puppy Valley Girl Eyes (tm).
"FINE."
So Kitty got into her bathing suit and dragged Rogue down to the swimming pool, Rogue squeaking her penguin in protest the whole way.
It hadn't been long, despite the whole long Morph thing, so the b-ball game was still going. The Spanish guy was supposed to be keeping track of the score, but nobody but Rob understood him so nobody was sure. Rogue was a fan of b-ball so they started a new game with Kitty as ref. Somewhere in the middle of it all (everyone blamed Rob but nobody was sure) Ray got bashed on the head with the ball, really hard, so he floated to the bottom. As usual, in the frenzy of the game nobody but Rogue noticed. So Rogue was making frantic gestures and Ray was making choking noises and the Spanish guy was choking too, but with laughter.
Next came Renee the poolboy. He looked kind of like Remy except he didn't have a goatee, he had a French Mustache (tm) and was dressed in a speedo... just a speedo. He was attempting to clean out the oppposite end of the pool. "Zut!" he yelled. Rogue turned around and saw him trying to sweep Ray out of the filter. "Il y a un type blond obstruant le filtre!" (There's a blond guy clogging the filter!)
Naturally, this is what made Rob stop playing, because he is (dun dun duh!!) multi-lingual, of course he spoke French. But when he saw it was only Rob, he shrugged and went back to kicking Bobby's ass in b-ball.
Renee tugged on Rob, and even though he was really strong (being a sexy poolboy takes muscles, you know) the pool was stronger and he couldn't pull him out. "Merde! Il ne sortira pas! Je vais perdre mon travail pour ceci..." Then he shrugged and turned to Rogue. "Voulez un massage?" (Shit. I can't get him out! I'm gonna lose my job for this... want a massage?)
Rogue raised her eyebrows, then knocked him out (she did this to try and get his power of speech). "Hé, un type meurt ici!... merde." (Hey, a guy's dyin' here! ...shit.) Since Renee the poolguy could speak only French, so could she, and nobody but Rob could understand her. Naturally, he ignored her.
Rogue gave up and went back to her room, swearing loudly in French.
This shocked several French tourists, who then began to snicker loudly and French...ily.
"Ferme-la," (Shut up.) Rogue muttered.
"Son accent est terrible," (Her accent is terrible) said the visiting French ambassador, which was the reason for all these anonymous French people. He then headed down to the buffet.
A FEW MINUTES AGO...
We must observe the feral teenager at work. Jubilee and Tabitha emerged from their hotel abode in search of food.
"Where do you think they keep the food around here?" Tabby asked as they crept down the hallway.
"Probably in that room," said Jubes, pointing at a large door with the words "BUFFET" written on it.
"Oh. Right."
They headed into the room. Think everything-in-the-universe if you want some idea of the selection."Wow. This is like the uber-buffet. No wonder they didn't tell us about it," said Jubilee.
"Yeah," Tabby agreed with a fervent nod. "Hey, check out the freak in the hat," she said, nudging Jubes and pointing at the French ambassador. He was very drunk and wearing a beret with a little French flag sticker stuck to it. She rubbed her hands together and tossed a cherry bomb into his mashed potatoes. The bomb (and consequently the potatoes) exploded. The French ambassador sat there, looking dazed for a second, and then passed out.
"Oh, God, Tabitha! You killed the French dude!" Jubes cried, grabbing Tabby's arm. "You bastard!" (2)
"Relax," said Tabby. "I didn't kill him... I think."
"He's not breathing!" Jubilee picked up a huge handful of mashed potatoes and flung them at Tabby. "You idiot! They're gonna kill us!"
There was much screaming and flinging of food before the French ambassador's wife and her friends came back. They saw Tabby and Jubes, making a complete mess of the room in their argument.
"Mon Dieu!" the ambassador's wife shouted and fainted dead away.
Jubes and Tabby, hearing a new voice, stopped dead and turned slowly to face the shocked dignitaries. "Eh heh heh... oops?"
"You killed him!" yelled the translator.
"Oh crap... is this your foreign dignitary? We never would've guessed!" said Jubilee, and being Japanese she jumped into anime-embarrased-mode (that would be she stood up quite straight and started rubbing the back of her neck and smiling nervously). "We'll just take him to the hospital, ok?"
Tabby and Jubes grabbed his arms and dragged him out, his face still covered in potatoes.
The French people were too shocked to speak. Then Tabby threw a number of cherry bombs behind her and shut the door. When she opened it, the dignitaries were all knocked out and the room was full of splattered food.
"So now what?" Jubilee asked, inspecting the wreckage.
"We sneak away and make sure these bozos stay asleep until we're long gone, got that?"
"Yep."
Just then, one of the dignitaries they'd missed came in, pushing a cannon in front of him. NO, not a comic book, as in the kind that blows stuff up. He perched atop it and lit the fuse.
Jubes and Tabitha ran over, quickly dampening the fuse. "What the hell do you think you're doing?!" Jubilee yelled. "This is a hotel! You can't fire a cannon in here!"
"But- not even on Bastille day?" said the dignitary, blinking.
"Not even on your birthday pally!" Tabby replied.
They pushed the cannon back out, the French guy trying to stop them and shouting "Vive le France!" (3)
"Now what?" Jubilee asked as they walked back into their room.
"I say we stay here and get flat drunk."
"I like the way you think."
Meanwhile, back at the b-ball game, Rob had pretty much drowned. Renee the poolguy had woken up and was now sitting on the edge of the pool giving Kitty a massage.
"Mmm... that's, like nice."
"Kitty!" Bobby yelled. "What's the score?"
"Dunno, don't really care- ooh, right there..."
"Who is that guy, anyway?" Rob asked, cocking his head.
The Spanish guy shrugged.
"Hey, you're 21, right?" Rob asked.
"Si."
"Could you go get us a beer? I don't think I want to remember this in the morning..."
The Spanish guy shrugged and got out of the pool. He walked into the hallway and looked at the doors. "Escoja una puerta cualquier puerta, supongo." (Pick a door, any door, I guess.)
But, due to his Awful Spanish Guy Luck, he picked Remy and John's door, a.k.a. The Mutant Cockroach Door, and let loose the evil. He ran down the hallway screaming, "¡Cucarachas del mutante! ¡Funcione por sus vidas!" (Mutant cockroaches! Run for your lives! God I love Babelfish.)
Rob and Bobby leaned their heads out of the pool room. "Did he get the beer?" Bobby asked.
"No, he's shouting something about... mutant cockroaches..."
Bobby and Rob looked at each other. "Oh shit!" They jumped out of the pool and headed down to play "cockroach roundup". The Spanish guy huddled in the corner near the life preserver, hugging his knees and humming.
Kitty looked over at him and raised an eyebrow. "Wonder what's, like, with him... mmm, oh you're so good at that!"
JOTT TORTURE!
Jean and Scott finally stopped their monumental mack session (yes they've been going for... what, three chapters or so?) to look around. "Where is everybody?" Scott asked.
"Damn, they ditched us again," said Jean.
"We may's well start walking."
So they walked. And they walked. And they walked. And then they came to a zoo. "Why don't we go in? I'm starving," said Scott.
Jean shrugged and they walked inside.
However, they hadn't noticed the gigantic plume of fire coming up from the penguin enclosure.
"YES YES YES! BUUUURN MY PENGUIN MINIONS!" came a voice.
Scott switched his glasses for his visor and headed bravely on, even though any sane person would've just turned the other way. Jean followed, but only because she was too stupid to strike out on her own.
They turned the corner and came on a site of carnage. Bodies, burning stuff, and dead fish lay everywhere. In the middle of it all, cackling madly, was General Pengy, his satanic red eyes burning. (-shudders-)
General Pengy turned his attention to the newcomers. "Oh, great, a smartass and a geek with a pole up his ass." He snapped his flipper. "Is that physically possible?"
-"I don't know, but like Sue Anna's margaritas, it's a sight gag. Work with me here."-
General Pengy shrugged and went back to business. "Ok. I don't like smartasses or geeks with poles up their asses- hereon referred to as GWPUTA (that's pronounced gwih-putah, or something like that)- so go my penguiny minions! Slap them in a most disrespectful manner until they're rendered unconcious or preferably-" zoom in on his face "-dead!" -insert penguiny evil cackle here-
Out of the penguin enclosure came, oh horror of horrors, FISH-WIELDING GOGGLE-WEARING ZOMBIE PENGUINS! They proceeded to slap Jott into unconciousness.
General Pengy leaned back in his seat and cackled. "Fun fun."
THE ADVENTURES OF CANNONBALL, WOLFSBANE, AND MAGMA!
Dj Spider arrived with his almighty eye poker.
WHAT HE SAID: "Here, oh King Monkey, the Almighty Eye Poker."
WHAT SAM, RAHNE, AND AMARA HEARD: "HIISSSSS... poker."
"We're doomed, ain't we," said Sam.
"Don't be ridiculous," said King Monkey. "The Almighty Eye Poker is pokey and somewhat painful, yes, but then you can be one of us and party!" He leaned back on his throne.
"Somehow that doesn't make me feel any better," said Rahne, eyeing the sharp point.
Amara was panicking too, but for once she decided to do something about it. She threw out her hands and toasted the Almighty Eye Poker.
"...Damn," said King Monkey. "That was pretty cool, but how can we iniate you now?"
Now Queen Monkey spoke up. "This is the only line I get, isn't it?"
-"Well, yeah. You're a monkey and a bit part. Deal."-
"Shiznit! We could send them on a quest!"
"Good idea, my queen," said King Monkey. He turned back to the X-group. "Ok, here's the deal. You guys are going to go seek out and kidnap Forge, the almighty maker of stuff, to have him give us the rights to the Almight Chihuahua song back. We lost them in a poker game to him, you see. All right?"
The X-group cast each other uneasy glances. "Um, ok," said Sam. "Sure."
"Cool!" said King Monkey. He pulled a lever and a door appeared, nearly blinding the X-group. "We'd send someone with you, but Dj Spider needs to DJ and anyone else might eat you. Return in a timely fashion, please!"
THE ADVENTURES OF MULTIPLE AND WOLVERINE!
Jamie and Logan stumbled out. "Damn, where are we?" Logan asked.
"You're the one with super-senses!" Jamie replied, wiping cockroach goo off his shoe. "Hey, look, there's a highway! ...how come you didn't notice it first?"
"He's got a point," Logan muttered, following him.
They walked up to the edge of the highway and stuck out their thumb. After a few minutes, a large, canvas covered truck stopped. "Get in," said a guy with a thick Mexican accent.
"Wow! Thanks!" said Jamie.
"Just don't tell de police and we drive you, si?" said the Mexican guy.
"Uh..." said Jamie.
"Sure," said Logan. Damn, I need a beer.
They climbed into the back of the truck. Sitting in the back already were several Mexican people and four teenage girls. Logan got in, and balked when he recognized the one in the middle. "Oh, god, no."
"Oh, hi Logan!" she said, pulling her hat down further.
"What the hell are you doing here?" Logan asked, sitting down on one of the benches.
The author (for that's who it was) grinned. "Well, my dear punchbunny, it's a long story. Basically, my parents didn't trust me and my friends alone in the house with so much sugar, so they left us some money and told us to hitchhike. That's when we met Bob... which one o' you is Bob?"
"Hola," said a fat guy sitting in the midst, and then went back to talking with his friends.
"That's Bob," said the girl sitting next to her.
"Oh, this is Noelle-" M.A. indicated the one who'd just spoken, "and Kitty-" she indicated the one sitting next to her, "and this newbie is Zee... at least that's what she said. And we only call that guy Bob 'cause his name's like way unpronounceable." The other three girls nodded.
"So now we're playing 'hide from the Border Patrol,'" said Zee, nodding fervently. "These guys are nuts, but it's fun!"
"And we don't speak a word of Spanish, either," Kitty chimed in.
"...So why did you come with them?" said Jamie.
The girls looked at each other and shrugged. "No clue," they said in unison, then giggled.
"Bob was the only one who would take us," M.A. explained. "The other people on our street know that when we yell that we need a ride... we usually don't. So we just followed Bob to this truck thingy." She shrugged. "I said it was a long story."
"Yeah..." Katie agreed.
"It involved hamsters... and that strip bar... and burning Vegas... and the pole-dancing classes... OH GOD, SO MUCH FOAM!" Noelle suddenly burst out.
M.A. patted her shoulder. "It's ok, it's ok..." She leaned forward and whispered, "She went a bit nutty after all that sun in the Sahara desert."
"What. The. Crap," said Logan. "What are you doing here?!"
"Shh!" M.A. said. "They don't know I'm the author and therefore omnipotent. It's fun to pretend to be anonymous. Don't worry, you wont' miss the concert. I just wanted to have fun with Bob.... keep yer mouth shut, ok?"
"Why the hell should I? You made me fall for a hamster! A HAMSTER!"
"Yes, well... how about I make Rodna love you when we get to Washington? Will that appease you?"
"...Deal."
(Ok, god, that was insane. The "illegal-immigrant-Bob-the-Mexican" thing is all inspired by a conversation me and my friends had on the subject... very nuts... odd... um... review, ok? The next chapter really -will- be about Morph's changing adventures, ok?)
(1) From French Kiss. Ordinarily I wouldn't quote my source, but Romy fans have -got- to see this movie. It's about a neurotic woman and- get this- a French thief. He is exactly like Remy, and if you imagine Charlie being Scott... well it's like a pychotic pseudo-fanfiction.
(2) South Park. Couldn't resist.
(3) From Between the Lions. Very insane, as the original version was a monkey riding the cannon, with a chicken trying to keep him quiet... yeah, it was pretty damn funny...