Disclaimer: "You drank the seawater, didn't you."

(An: Well... here we go again, my friends. ACBPB: He kind of looks like a pit bull, but purple. He's not gay! Maybe I would've made him gay, but for what I want to do to -Bobby-... think on that for a bit. Anyway- of course char torture is fun. And you just figured that out. -head shake- Ooh! Fun! And I just -heart- Amara bashing. Don't know why... -shrug- Di: Tell ya what, mon amie- I write a nice long you 'n Remy section and you get to work on CS! That'll be next chapter, k-wink- Can't use that yet- it would mean ending the story early- but I -can- use the drunk Jamie idea! SF: Eee! More ideas. Awesome. CDLOC: Eee! Compliments.)

AT THE X-POOL...

Rogue found Ray, who was floating at the bottom of the pool, amazingly not dead. The reason? Rob had taken pity on him and given him a snorkel. Good thing he didn't breathe through his nose, Rogue thought, fishing him out. Ray immediately regained conciousness and began babbling about his undying gratitude and waffles. Rogue was almost swayed by the waffles until she remembered her speaking problem. She shrugged and knocked him out. Unbeknownst to all, Ray floated back down to the bottom of the pool. "­Molto bene...­ Maledicalo!" (1)

Muttering to herself in- Rogue wasn't even sure what language she was speaking- she walked off. This sucks.

IN THE HALLWAY...

Bobby, who had passed out, was awakened by a guy prodding him. "'Scuse me..." said the guy.

"Ow..." Bobby muttered, opening his eyes. A confused-looking teenager was standing there.

"Do you have any idea why the carpet is soggy and there're mutant cockroaches running around the hotel?" he asked.

Speaking of roaches, one came galloping out of the VIP Buffet room, a girl clinging to his back. "Get! Me! Off! This! Thing!" she yelled as it ran off, bumping into walls.

"Aurora, what did you do now?" the guy muttered, helping Bobby up. "JP's the name. Who're you?" (2)

"Bobby," he replied, looking around. His ice slide had melted and the French dignitaries were stumbling out of the room, rubbing their heads and muttering variations of "Stupid Americans..."

"Oh, you're one of the nutballs from the band, aren't you?" JP asked.

"...Nutballs?"

"Some of your friends totalled the other dignitaries. Very rude."

"Oh, god, that would've been Tabby and Jubes," Bobby muttered. "Why was your sister riding a cockroach?"

"We were in there," JP responded, thumbing at the VIPBR. "She's always doing weird stuff like that. Split personality and what-not. Wanna help me look for her?"

"Why?"

"Because your friends helped cause it, you know how to deal with the mutant cockroaches, you don't have anything better to do- I can keep going..."

"Um... sure..."

ON THE X-QUEST...

With Thorn's help the X-group had made it to Bayville. The only mishap, believe it or not, was that Amara still hadn't come out of the fetal position. There were leaves, sticks, and quite a lot of mud in her hair. She didn't seem to notice.

"Is she all right?" Thorn whispered to Rahne.

"Oh, aye, she'll come out of it... eventually."

They made their way to Forge's house. "I think this is it..." Sam said.

"That's pretty obvious, considering how there's a chrome-covered super-lab in the back," Thorn commented.

"What do we do? Just knock?" Rahne asked.

"I guess..." Sam said nervously. He remembered what had happened the last time the X-men had contacted the super-genius... he was so not into demons from another dimension. He took a deep breath.

"It's open dudes!" came a voice from within the metal behemoth.

The X-group (and Thorn) made their way down the hallway. They began to hear a very weird noise. It sounded like... "THE CHICKEN SONG!" Amara cried, finally coming out of the fetal position.

From the end of it and Forge's workroom came a voice. "Come on, I've seen a better chicken dance from Magneto!" (3)

The X-group (again, and Thorn) looked at each other nervously, then continued on.

They pushed Sam out in front of them and edged into the workroom. They met a most odd sight.

Forge was lined up in front of a troop of dancing chihuahua robots. They were all clicking castanets and shaking maracas. "We'll never get to the macarena at this rate!" Then he noticed the X-group (I believe we can from now on assume Thorn was with them). "Who the hell are you guys?"

Amara and Rahne nudged Sam forward. "Er... Sam? Cannonball? X-men!"

"Oh, you guys are the midget not-quite-X-men," Forge said dismissively.

"WE ARE TOO X-MEN!"

"SEE the spandex!" Amara cried, pushing up her sleeve. "SEE IT!"

"Well, ok, whatever, dudes. What do you guys want?"

"We're here on a quest from the Monkey Spider Cult to get back the rights to the Almighty Chihuahua song," Rahne explained.

"...What song? You lot are going have to be more specific."

The X-men looked at each other, shrugged, and burst into song.

"Chihuahua! x4
Oh, Chihuahua!
I'm walking in the street
And the moon shine's bright
A little melody keeps feeling on my mind tonight
I gotcha!
It's the song about Chihuahua
Yeah, that's cool alright
It was fun
And a life without sorrow
Feels young
And when you think about tomorrow
Say YO!"

"Oh, that Chihuahua Song," said Forge, nodding.

"How many can there be?" Thorn asked, cocking her head and almost dropping Reggie her Hamster Pal.

Forge began to dig through his desk. "Huh..." he mumbled, scratching his head. "Oh, I remember now! I sold it to that jive turkey who came through here a while ago!"

The X-men groaned. "Who?" Sam asked.

"Um..." Forge thought for a moment, rubbing his soul patch. "It's kinda hard to remember, pretty drunk at the time..."

"But you're not old enough to drink," Amara objected, puzzled.

"I may look like a seventeen-year-old, but I'm almost thirty, dammit!" Forge cried, with the annoyance of someone who's had to explain the same thing over and over again. "Anyway... Oh, yeah, Bob the Mexican!"

"Who?"

"If you want it, he's got it. Just look for the big clunky immigrant truck. Now begone! I must conquer the world with my chihuahua minions!" He let out a very impressive evil laugh.

The X-group was all-too-happy to oblige.

"Man, he's creepy," Thorn muttered.

"Damn straight," said the New Mutants in unison.

BACK AT THE HOTEL...

Bobby was not at all sure how he and JP ended up in the sewers. Well, he knew, but he didn't like it.

"Look," JP'd said, pointing. "Cockroach sign." He held up a little sign that said "Cockroach was here" on it. (4)

"And let me guess," Bobby'd muttered. "It went down into the sewers, and your sister's probably down there, too?"

"Oui," JP'd agreed, nodding. "You catch on fast... for an idiot."

"I am not an idiot! Have you been talking to the author?"

"Who?"

So now they were down in the sewers beneath the hotel, looking for a cockroach that they weren't even positive was down here. To compound the situation, JP kept hitting on him after he'd mentioned his gripe about the uniforms.

"Come now," JP said. "You run around in spandex all day, and then gripe about their appearances, and you expect me to think you're straight? Are you at least bi? Come on, throw me a bone here!"

"I am NOT bi!" Bobby screamed, stopping short. "I hate the uniforms because they are creepy, and do not look good on anyone. And they give WAAAAY TMI when it comes to- ahem- assets."

"Once again, the fact that you even notice proves my point," JP replied.

"Dammit, man, I am not gay!"

"My sister and that shopkeeper guy were right. It is fun to watch somebody go through the denial stage."

"SHUT UP!"

JP shook his head but complied.

ON THE IMMIGRANT TRUCK...

"So we're stuck with- what is it now, six crazy girls?" Logan muttered.

"Yep," M.A. agreed. "Gosh, you're perceptive!"

"And let me guess- it's just going to get worse from now on, isn't it," Logan continued.

"Wow, you've really caught on!"

Logan muttered something incoherent that was probably an insult and turned to Jubes and Tabby, who were trying to ask Bob if he had any tequila.

"That's a lost cause," Zee interrupted. "He doesn't speak any English."

"But the rest of us seem to manage just fine," Noelle added.

"Except for that bit in the Sahara desert with Fred the lizard," Kitty interrupted. (5)

"That so doesn't count," M.A. interjected. "We were drunk and in strip-dancing costumes- we won't even go near that, ok- and we couldn't understand Bob's directions. So we followed a lizard named Fred. So bloody sue us."

Suddenly the truck screeched to a halt.

"That can't be good," said all four sober girls in unison.

"Be quiet!" hissed the guy up front. "BP!"

Everyone went real quiet... except of course for our favorite X-chicks, Jubes and Tabby.

"What are they talking about?" Jubilee drunk-whispered to Tabby. This is the basic equivalent of a stage whisper, i.e. not really a whisper at all.

"There was this song I heard once, Banana Phone," Tabby said thoughtfully. "Maybe they mean that."

And in one fateful instant, Tabitha Smith burst into song. "RING RING RING RING RING BANANA PHONE!"

"Oh, shit," Logan muttered as the doors of the truck burst open and creepy cop-type guys with flashlights (hereafter referred to as CCTGF) peered in.

"That can't be good," said the sober girls again.

(And that's that. Sorry it's so late but now I have a schedule! I will try and update this every other Monday, or sooner.)

(1) The language is Italian. It means "Very good... Goddammit!"

(2) Why'd I put Jean-Pierre whatever-his-impossible-to-spell-last-name-is a.k.a. Northstar, and with Bobby no less? A) because I was reading the Uncanny X-Sprites comic (look it up, it's awesome) and I didn't get the Northstar jokes, so I read his bio and thought it was cooly, B) I've been slacking off on the Bobby torture, and C) I read the fic "Sun, Sea, Surfing and Sarcasm," in search for Northstar character. I probably got him all wrong anyway, though.

(3) Best line -evar-. Not sure where I picked it up, though.

(4) From Spongebob.

(5) Fred the lizard is from "Rescuers Down Under", which is actually a very funny flick.