Disclaimer: "You don't become the world's most reputed telepath just because you're bald."
(An: More X-band, because Di told me she'd watch Star Wars if I did. Huh. Nobody guessed what fic it was. Here's a hint: It's not XME. We are assuming that this is in the morning now, ok? DCDDFD: Ok, from now on you're back to PB, because that acronym is a hassle. Got it? Anyway, Star Trek? -does the "Live long and prosper" thing and grows Vulcan ears- I do so love Star Trek. But Enterprise mostly sucked. -clears throat- I like making fun of the X-men movies with my friends... who usually don't get my jokes, heheh. I only picked Katya because, according to the 'Nutter, that's one of his little sisters. Yep. They're lost. Don't quite know what I'm going to do with them, though. You know, you could go ahead and post that on your account... that's why I sent it to ye, mate. Di: Poor you. Too bad I don't have enough money to send you Pixie Stix. Cat: I'll keep it quiet if you send me some, mate. SF: ...I'm going to be a master of disguise! I'm going to be a master of disguise! -does the twirly finger thing- Ignore that, your beginning exclamation made me think of that. Hey... can you give me ideas for the X-questers? Because your randomness would be better applied there, since I have no ideas... -nervous chuckle- Toddfan: OMG! It's TODDFAN! -squeals- Sorry, but you're like my idol when it comes to randomness... anyway, here's some more Forgey-ness just for you. Because Forge is totally kickass.)
So by now all of the gang at the bar were quite drunk. Shelly was passed out in a corner, Pyro was slurring "Waltzing Matilda" (that was how you could tell he was drunk; he usually professed to hating that song with every fiber of his being), Gambit was looking for something, and Di was watching him.
"I don' believe it," said Gambit.
"What?" asked Di, spinning around in her chair.
"Dey have no Pixie Stix."
"What now?"
"Pixie Stix! As in dose little tubes of deliciousness!"
"Still haven't the faintest what you're talking about..."
"They're pure sugar! You've honestly never heard of them."
"Nope."
"We have t' go get some." (1)
"It's something to do..."
Di shrugged and followed Remy out of the bar. Of course, "Kurt" followed her, even more drunk then he'd been that night.
"Let's try that gas station," Gambit suggested, pointing across the road.
Of course, to get there, they had to cross the road. Which was busy. And showed no signs of slowing down.
"Kurt, why don' y' bamf us across? We be in, we be out, like dat," Remy snapped his fingers.
"Too... drunk... can't see straight," was "Kurt's" response.
Di and Remy shrugged at each other. "Good excuse as any," Remy responded. "Guess we'll jus' have t' go across ourselves."
This was, as mentioned, not a great prospect.
"There's a tunnel over there," said "Kurt", pointing.
"Yes," Di agreed, "but it's in the middle of the road. We do not want to be in the middle of the road. The road is bad... bad road!"
"Maybe we can get a ride," Remy suggested, sticking out his thumb.
Bad idea. Hitchhiking happens to be illegal in certain parts of New York... the spot around the bar being one of those parts.
An omnipresent police guy screeeeeched to a stop in front of them.
Remy quickly shoved his hands in his pockets, a little too late thanks to the drunk thing, though.
"Hey, you guys ain't hitchikers, are you?" said the cop, sticking his head out of the window and leering at them with his creepy mustache.
"Um..." said all the Pixie-Stix fanatics.
"You are, ain't ya?" He eyed Remy suspiciously, then eyed "Kurt", who was singing the "Doom Song" (2) whilst turning in a circle. Then he turned his attention to Di and gave an appreciative whistle.
"I don't hold with cops," Di sniffed, "you don't have a gun." (3)
"I do so!" cried the indignant cop, who... promptly reached into his pants.
Remy and "Kurt" quickly covered their eyes with shrieks of "No NOT THAT!" (4)
Thankfully, he didn't do whatever perverted thing that "Kurt" and Remy thought he would, no, he pulled out a gun. "SEE!" he cried triumphantly.
Di peered at it. "So Americans do have guns... will wonders never cease."
"So... are you guys hitchikers or what?"
"If we say no, will you believe us?" "Kurt" asked.
"Sure, why not," said the cop. He leaned out of the window even closer and whispered, "I'm just a Rent-A-Cop, anyway. And this isn't really a gun."
"You... you lied to me?" Di demanded, getting sniffly.
"It's a fake," the cop admitted, with a sad nod.
"WE'RE OVER!" Di shrieked, turning and just dashing across the freeway.
"...Should we try that?" "Kurt" asked of Remy.
"Worth a shot... and it'll get us away from dat," said Remy, pointing at the now sobbing cop.
"Kurt" nodded fervently.
"Ok, on de count of three, we run, very quietly, across the freeway," said Remy. "Ok?"
At the sound of "Ok", "Kurt" ran screaming to the other side of the street.
"...How was dat three?" Remy wondered, before shrugging and following "Kurt". (5)
By the time he got into the gas station, Di and "Kurt" were already well established, Di looking for the infamous Pixie Stix and "Kurt" staring at the video rack.
"Hey, dey have porn!" Remy cried, peering closer.
"Porn," said "Kurt", beginning to sing, "it's not like coooorn... it's how a lot of people get booooorn... 'cause it's porn!" (6)
Di shot him an odd look. Remy would've done the same but was far too immersed in the porn.
"What the heck do Pixie Stix look like, anyway?" she asked of no one.
"Pixie Stix?" said the manager. "You're looking for... Pixie Stix?"
"Yeah... why, did I just say the secret word?"
"Pixie Stix, did you say?" repeated the manager, blinking incomprehensively.
"Yeah, dat's why we ran across a freeway risking life and limb, fo' Pixie Stix," Gambit agreed. "And porn. Lots of porn." He dumped what appeared to be the entire porn library on the counter. "I'd like dese, si vous plait."
"...Would you like a bag?" was the cashier's response. (The manager was still in shock.)
"Thank you."
"That'll be-"
"THEY TOOK THE PIXIE STIX! ALL OF THEM!" The manager (who was the one shouting) suddenly reached over and grabbed the cashier, shaking him and screaming, "EVERY! SINGLE! PIXIE STIX! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO WITHOUT THE SUGARY GOODNESS? TELL ME YOU SILLY MONKEY PERSON!"
The cashier let out a little sigh that indicated he'd been through this before. "Sir... sir... I'll get the blow gun, I just need to warn you."
"THE PIXIE STIX ARE GONE! WHY DON'T YOU REALIZE THAT!"
The cashier sighed again, and pulled a dart gun from his pocket. He loaded it with a lethal looking dart and promptly shot his boss in the neck.
"Grilled... cheese..." mumbled the manager, falling down in an undignified heap.
Di was staring, her eyes bugging about an inch out of her head. "Kurt" probably would've too... but he was singing the "Doom Song" again. Remy was too immersed in his porn, humming happily to himself.
"Y'see," said the cashier, leaning over the counter and doing the Jersey "finger thing" (6), "we got robbed coupla days ago. Took all our Pixie Stix, nuttin else. Dunno why, 'cept maybe to torture the manager."
"Oh..." said Di sadly. "So no Pixie Stix?"
"Nuttin even resemblin' Pixie Stix," agreed the cashier, with a sad headshake.
"So now what?" she asked Remy.
Remy looked up from his porn. "We find dese horrible Pixie Stix theives!"
"And then you return 'em?" asked the cashier hopefully.
Remy stared at him incredulously for a second. "No... we're going to eat them, you idiot."
The cashier let out another of his gusty sighs. "I figured you'd say that." He flicked his fingers at them. "Begone."
And with that, Remy, "Kurt", and Di exited.
"Can we go home now?" Di asked.
"No, we need Pixie Stix, woman! We're goin' t' get de damn Pixie Stix if it kills y'!"
Di chuckled nervously. "Don't you mean... us?"
"No..."
Now Di looked even more nervous, but she wisely shut up.
MEANWHILE, ABOUT FIVE FEET AWAY, THE TUNNEL BENEATH THE FREEWAY...
Warren chuckled madly to himself. "They'll never find us now!"
'Us' was a sack of Pixie Stix, a Play-Doh alligator, and Forge.
"Who are you again?" Forge asked.
"I'm Warren, remember?" Warren responded, just about to dig into those sugary goodness bags known as Pixie Stix.
Forge tilted back his head in a very obvious flashback cue.
FLASHBACK TO HOWEVER LONG AGO IT WAS THAT WE LEFT FORGE...
"HI FORGE!" Warren had screamed, rapping on his window while flapping furiously.
Forge had screamed, dropping the machine that, if he hadn't dropped it, would've made a never-ending supply of curly fries. (7)
Warren had let himself in and was looking around the room, seeming fascinated. "Wow this is a whole lot of neat stuff say you want to come with me I'm gonna get some Pixie Stix I really need some more 'cause we ran out and I want some 'cause they're Pixie Stix! You know?" he asked, slamming his hands down on Forge's inventor's table.
"Um... sure..." Forge agreed. He didn't, really, but he was a little nervous to argue with the crazy birdman in front of him. "Uh... what's your name, anyway?"
"Me? I'm Warren, that's Worthington the III and this is a pretty neat little shop you know?"
"Um... how do you know me, anyway?"
"I looked at the mansion cause I wanted to see if they had Pixie Stix but they didn't, such a shame- anyway, I looked in their address book, 'cause nobody was there and I mean nobody not even that freaky guy who lives in their basement-"
"Wait, somebody lives in their basement?"
"Well, if there isn't anybody who lives in their basement, there should be, because I've got somebody living in my basement and basement guys are just the shit, you know? Anyway, so, I looked in their address book, right, and there you were and Forge is just such an awesome name that I knew I had to come and talk to you 'cause you sound like the kind of guy who likes Pixie Stix. So, whatcha say we go find some?"
"Um... ok..." said Forge, continuing the string of sentences that he'd started with "um".
END FLASHBACK...
Forge kept his head tilted back.
END FLASHBACK...
"Oh, right," said Forge, sheepish, righting himself.
"We've got Pixie Stix!" Warren screeched joyfully.
"Yep, that's what we've got," Forge agreed.
"Isn't that right, Cookie?" (8) Warren asked of the Play-Doh alligator.
It's been a half-hour since I gave him that dumb alligator, Forge thought, and he still hasn't noticed it's not real. That's either really cool or kind of creepy.
Warren downed several Pixie Stix and fixed Forge with a downright scary, sugar-crazed look. "WHEE!"
Creepy. Definitely creepy.
BACK WITH THE OTHER GUYS...
"You know, I get the feeling we just missed something important," said Di, out of the blue. They'd been complacently sitting on the curb waiting for the fic to come back to their POV.
"Eh, we get dose feelin's all de time," responded Remy, huggling his porn. "Y' learn t' ignore 'em."
"I say we try that tunnel!" cried "Kurt."
"You're really fixated on that tunnel, aren't you?" Di asked.
"It's a tunnel in the middle of the road! How cool is that!"
"It's a tunnel."
"IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD, WOMAN!"
"I don't get it."
"Y' ain't supposed t' get it," Remy responded, now petting his porn, "y' jus' go wit' de flow when it comes t' Kurt, mon amie."
"That's with quotation marks," said "Kurt." "Yeah, like that."
Remy and Di both gave him odd looks.
"I'm gonna go in the tunnel," "Kurt" proclaimed. "Who wants to go with me?"
Remy and Di shrugged at each other and raised their hands.
"GOOD!" cried "Kurt." He then dashed right through the speeding traffic, Remy and Di pussyfooting (8) along in his wake.
"Kurt" punched his fist in the air before jumping into the tunnel.
The trio was met with an even weirder trio. Yep, Warren, Forge, and "Cookie", playing cards. "Hey!" cried Warren. "Her name doesn't have quotation marks! Tryin to downplay my totally awesome alligator!"
Ok, Cookie. That better?
"Thank you."
"...Who are you talking to?" Forge asked.
"Dunno."
Forge shrugged. "Got any threes?"
"What are you guys doin?" Remy demanded of them, after a minute.
"What's it look like?" Forge asked. "We're snarfing Pixie Stix and playing cards... and I'm totally winning."
"Only because you cheat you cheatin cheaty cheater you!"
"No, you just totally suck at Go Fish," was Forge's response.
"PIXIE STIX!" cried Remy and "Kurt" triumphantly. They instantly pounced on the bags, Di hanging back and looking a little apprehensive.
"What... are those things?"
"Pixie Stix, woman, Pixie Stix!" cried "Kurt", holding them up and tossing one to Di. "Rip off the top and relish the utter sugaryness."
Di eyed it dubiously until she noticed that everyone else (except for Cookie) were eating them. She shrugged. "When in Rome..." She tilted back her head and drained the tube. "Heeeey these were worth the trip!" she cried.
"SEE!" cried "Kurt."
"I don't know you," said Forge, edging away.
"Are we supposed to know each other?"
Forge decided to ignore him and grabbed some more Pixie Stix.
(And thus ends Remy and Di's Amazing Drunken Adventure! Admittedly, weeks and weeks after it was promised, but eh, can't have everything. So sue me. I'm slow, but I think this was worth the wait... I think.)
(1) This was my basic reaction when Di told me they didn't have Pixie Stix in Britain. Yeah. Scary.
(2) From Invader Zim, naturally.
(3) This is from a Robin Williams joke: "In England, the cops don't have a gun,and you don't have a gun. So, when you run away, they say 'Stop, or I'll yell stop again!'"
(4) From the Emperor's New Groove. Hee, I love that movie.
(5) One of my friends did this. We were sitting on the median of a street. There weren't any cars coming or going, but we thought it would be funny to do this anyway. But she just ran off screaming. Yeah, weird.
(6) You know, the gesture they always make in mob movies, where they put their thumb and index finger together and then shake them back and forth as they talk?
(7) According to me, all of Forge's inventions (that aren't purple and octagonal) make a never-ending supply of curly fries. Because who wouldn't want something like that?
(8) Hee, I couldn't resist this. Cookie is Warren's alligator from Toddfan's fic, "Teacher Training." Hilarious, and I just went and read it this afternoon, so I had to reference it... somehow.