Disclaimer: "Total world domination!" "The roaches continue to show single-mindedness... Cosmo continues to show EMPTY-mindedness."
(An: Ok, as promised, this is the Malaysian Insanity chapter... PB: Yep, I read that whole long thing. I've seen WNC- yay Jim Carrey when he wasn't all angsty! Yes, yes I do want to wrap things up... because I want to get to the Movieverse!X-band. -evil laughter because she is being purpousely mysterious- Anyway, I'll use that ending in this chapter... and as for the other people, that's how this story's gonna keep goin', mon amie! TF: I just made that up because I thought "Smagickle" wasn't dignified enough. You're so niiiice. CF: I know. I always thought it was Stix too, but Cassy had some right next to her and I asked and she said that they do indeed spell it "Sticks". They should SO spell it my way, but I digress. John loves squirrels... would you like some John/squirrel insanity to sate you? Otak: ...Well, now, that was informative (hopefully FFN won't get on my ass for letting people swear in their reviews but I don't mind). I don't sleep much, either... well, I have been more than usual, lately, but that's just weird. Anyway, I swear a lot too... I sense a science project in the making! Fluffy? Now THAT I like. I'll make you the concert-head-person-type-guy... you and Logan can go drinking together! -begins to hum "O Canada"-)
AND NOW... WITHOUT FURTHER ADO... THE X-QUESTER'S AMAZING MALAYSIAN ADVENTURE (inspired by Sangofanatic and A Cute but Psycho Bunny)!
So we all know that the X-questers were lost. Yep. Lost lost lost lost lost.
"We don't have a CLUE where we are, do we?" Rahne asked, flopping down on the ground.
"Nope," agreed everybody but Sam, who was, of course, insane.
"Looklooklook!" Sam said, hopping up and down and pointing and generally making an insane idiot of himself. "THERE'S A SHINY THING ON THE HORIZON!"
Everyone blinked at him, because they knew he was insane.
"...He's right," Logan said, squinting off in the direction Sam was pointing. "Somethin' shiny... and red?"
Sam didn't hear that last, him not having good senses (with or without the s) and because he was already halfway to the SHINY.
ABOUT TEN MINUTES LATER, AT THE SHINY...
Upon seeing just what the SHINY was, Jamie let out a little squeak of utter terror.
"We came all this way... for a bloodstained airport?" Zee demanded of M.A., who shrugged.
"It was requested. Go figure."
Everybody but Logan (1) gave her an odd look.
"LET'S GET A PLANE!" Sam cried.
Everyone decided this was an ok idea... even though they knew Sam was insane.
So Sam ran into the hangar, in which there were lots of planes... lots of BLOODSTAINED planes.
"For some reason, I'm getting the feeling this isn't the best idea," Zee commented.
"Shh," M.A. cautioned. "Even though we KNOW Sam is insane, we're not supposed to do anything about it."
Zee blinked and then shrugged. "Ok, whatever you say."
Sam let out a wild cackle and jumped into the nearest plane. He completely ignored the blood and flashed everybody a crazy smile. He grinned even more as Bob hopped in next to him as his copilot. "LET'S GO SEE THE MONKEY DUDES!"
"What's he talking about?" Zee asked, blinking.
So Amara and Rahne recounted the whole crazy story of the X-quest... scratch that, it isn't crazy, it's just business as usual.
"...So, you're hijacking a plane to fly to see the king of the spider monkey cult and give him the rights to the Chihuahua Song and beg for your freedom... and you're trying to assure me that you're completely sane?" Zee asked, blinking.
Amara, Rahne, and Sam (even though he was piloting) all glanced at each other and said, "Um... yeah."
"We're all gonna die, aren't we?" Zee moaned.
"Eh, no, not probably," M.A. responded, gingerly patting her back. "We'll probably just be severely mentally scarred. Watch." She turned to Noelle. "TOGA!"
Noelle screamed bloody murder. "WHERE!"
"See?"
"So what do we do now?" Zee asked.
"Sit and wait and hope somebody knocks out Sam."
"We're gonna die."
M.A. facepalmed and Noelle went on screaming until Jubilee threw a brick- sedative at her. (2)
TWENTY MINUTES LATER...
Zee was well-founded in not liking the idea of having two insane people flying their plane, since, in the amazing nonexistent X-band geography, Malaysia was only twenty minutes from... wherever the hell they were. Of course, they didn't know they were in Malaysia when they crash-landed. They were too busy screaming.
"Are we dead?" Amara asked after a moment of pointless screaming.
"Uh... no?" said Rahne, holding up her hands, which weren't dead. "Are you dead, Jubes?"
"If this headache gets any worse, I might be," she muttered.
"Suck it up," Tabby muttered, nursing a headache of her own.
That was when LOGAN started screaming. "OH, WHY DIDN'T I DIE? LIFE'S JUST NOT WORTH LIVING!" He broke down into hopeless sobs.
"Why, because nobody understands you?" Zee asked, in a random pyschiatry moment.
Logan looked up at her very slowly. "No, because I STILL HAVE TO PUT UP WITH THIS! AND RODNA DOESN'T LOVE ME!" He started crying harder.
Everyone quickly made for the emergency exit in the plane.
"Well, everyone's ok," said Rahne.
"But the SHINY is ruined," said Sam sadly.
Indeed, the jet was sinking deeper and deeper into the swamp.
"We're all doomed," Zee said again.
"Now I'm beginning to agree with you," said Katie.
"Where are we, anyway?"
"We're in a deep, dense, large jungle. That's the extent of my knowledge," said Amara, looking around. (3)
"We're in Malaysia," said Rahne.
"How do YOU know?" Amara demanded of her.
"I dunno, maybe it's the BIG HUGE SIGN saying WELCOME TO MALAYSIA?"
"Oh, right."
That was, of course, when the monkey came out of the jungle. A monkey with eight legs. A monkey with eight eyes. IT WAS A SPIDERMONKEY! LITERALLY! (4)
Katie immediately attempted to run away screaming. M.A. and Noelle both stuck out their legs and tripped her. Katie fell face-first in the dirt, sobbing about spiders and tapdancing. (5)
M.A. glanced over at Jubes. "Can I borrow your sedative?"
"NO! IT'S MY SEDATIVE!" Jubes pulled the brick- sedative from her pocket and started petting it.
M.A. and Noelle edged away. Katie just hugged her knees and rocked back and forth as the spidermonkey came closer.
WHAT THE SPIDERMONKEY SAID: "Hi! You guys know the password?"
WHAT OUR HEROES AND THE X-QUESTERS HEARD: "Hi! Hisssshookookpassword?"
They stared at him. After a moment, the spidermonkey gathered that they didn't know the password... and basically hadn't understood a word he'd said at all.
WHAT THE SPIDERMONKEY SAID: "Well, I'm gonna havta roast you dudes on a spit now, but first I have to suck out your intestines with these bendy straws!" (6)
WHAT OUR HEROES AND THE X-QUESTERS HEARD: "Hiiiisssoookookbendyook!"
"Not this again," Amara muttered, facepalming.
The spidermonkey ignored her and pulled bendy straws seemingly out of nowhere.
"That can't be good," said Rahne, just before more spidermonkeys arrived and knocked them all out with bricks- sedatives.
SOMETIME LATER...
Sam sat up, rubbing his head. "Ah feel like Ah got hit in the head with a brick..."
That was when he noticed he and the other X-people were hanging in a box over a fire like a big tub of popcorn. X-men flavored popcorn. Which probably wouldn't sell very well, since, you know, that would be like cannibalism, and believe it or not, cannibalism is frowned upon in most cultures. (7)
There were a bunch of spidermonkeys doing some spidermonkey dance in front of an altar... on which was hanging a HUGE WHITE BAT!
"That can't be good," Rahne repeated, then blinked. "Whoa! Deja vu!"
"What's deja vu?" Jamie asked, blinking.
"Deja vu: the feeling or experience of doing something again... DAMMIT!" said M.A. (8)
The white bat opened its freaky bat eyes. It screeched something in bat language and the spidermonkeys stopped dancing. A bunch of cockroaches stepped out from behind the altar.
"Oh, shit," said Jamie and Logan in unison.
"What's going on?" Zee asked.
"It's not gonna be good," said Logan.
"Or funny," said Katie. M.A. kicked her.
"Mortals!" came an oh-so-familiar and annoying voice.
"We're doomed," said Zee.
"For once, I think you might be right," M.A. agreed.
Yep, it was Apocaroach, leading his gang of cockroaches... thankfully, Sue Anna (tm) and Rodna were nowhere to be found. "Mortals!" he repeated. "You have ONE chance to save your asses! Say the magic words or feel the pain of the spit!"
"What magic words?" Logan asked, blinking.
"The Almighty Shikaka's magic words, idiot!"
"...What magic words?"
"Oh, for the love of-" Jamie muttered. "Hasn't anyone but me seen When Nature Calls! BUMBLEBEE TUNA!"
The great white bat flapped its wings and screeched some more.
"The Almighty Shikaka is mollified." Apocaroach looked disappointed at that.
The spidermonkey who'd brought them there brought out maracas and shook them.
WHAT THE SPIDERMONKEY SAID: "FIESTA!"
WHAT EVERYONE ELSE HEARD: "HISSSSHSSSHSS!"
"He said fiesta," Mesmeroach translated.
Apocaroach backhanded. "How many times must I tell you, lackey? It's MY job to berate the puny mortals."
"But we're like, three feet taller than you," Zee pointed out, ignoring the throat-cutting gestures everyone else was making.
"I SAY YOU ARE SHORT SO YOU ARE SHORT, PUNY MORTAL!"
"Whatever, dude."
"SILENCE!"
"Stuck on the caps lock, are ya?" Logan demanded of M.A., who gave him an innocent smile... well, pretty close, anyway.
A bunch of hamsters appeared, bearing, what else, cups. "SAKE!" they screamed. "GANPAI!" (9)
TWENTY MINUTES LATER...
"I really AM stuck on the caps lock," M.A. muttered.
"What now?" Katie asked.
"No foam, no foam, no foam!" Noelle cried.
"Was it really a good idea to get her drunk?" Zee asked.
M.A. and Katie glanced at each other and shrugged. "Eh, probably not," they agreed.
Sam was sitting by the Almighty Shikaka. Apparently, TAS (10) didn't know Sam was INSANE, since he was listening to him.
"So, we're here, when really we should be in Bayville delivering this to save all our asses!" Sam sobbed, holding out the very dirty piece of paper.
The Almight Shikaka screeched something, and his hamster attendant translated, "Do you speak of the Bayvillian Spider-Monkey Cult, oh they of the rave pit and the Almighty Eye Poker?"
"Yah've heard of 'em, then?"
Screech, screech, screech. "Of course I have! We're great friends. We play poker all the time!"
"Re-he-he-heally." (11)
Screeeechy screech screech. "BRING OUT THE ALMIGHTY GUANO EYE POKER!" the hamster screamed.
"Rodna!" Logan cried, looking around.
"If he asks, you never saw me," said Rodna, scurrying off.
A bunch of Random Hamster Attendents came out, bearing what looked remarkably like what had nearly poked out the eyes of the X-questers. Except more disgusting.
"What's guano?" Jamie asked.
"Trust me kid, you don't wanna know," said Jubes.
Screech screech screech. A new hamster, pointedly NOT Rodna, stepped up and announced, "The Almighty Shikaka proclaims that he wishes you to return to the Monkey Royales bearing this gift!"
The entire group looked at each other and yelled in unison, "Dude, our plane crashed!"
SCREEEEECH screechy screech. "The Almighty Shikaka says to go look in the swamp.
"Just a minute," said Amara. "Where'd you get the Eye Poker?"
"We won it off Forge, Almighty Maker of Stuff, in a poker game, of course," said the hamster.
"Shoulda guessed," Amara muttered, and rushed to catch up with the rest of the group.
IN THE SWAMP...
"Well, he did a good job, din't he?" Sam commented.
Everyone ignored him, because he was insane, even though he was right for once. The plane was sitting out of the swamp, nice and clean and shiny.
Sam and Bob immediately dashed for the cockpit.
"We're all gonna die," Zee muttered.
"Doomed, yes. Die, no," M.A. responded.
To make a long, and rather stupid story short, they got to the temple of the Spider Monkey Cult with little problems... except for the fact that Tabby and Jubes found a Bottomless Bottle of Beer in the luggage compartment. So they stayed nice and drunk. Yeah.
"Uh, why don't the rest of you stay here?" Amara suggested. She and Rahne weren't as drunk. "C'mon, Sam," she added, as Rahne dragged along the crazy guy.
"I'm not crazy!"
"Yeah, right."
"I'm insane! There's a difference."
"Whatever."
They stared up at the huge door to the temple. "Now, how are we supposed to get inside?" Rahne asked.
"Ring the doorbell?" Amara suggested.
"Oh. Good idea." Rahne reached up and rang the huge doorbell.
In the way of bad fanfics, DJ Spider answered the door.
WHAT DJ SPIDER SAID: "So you guys are back, yo? AWESOME!"
WHAT THE X-QUESTERS HEARD: "Hisisisishhhhhyo!"
DJ Spider grabbed them and brought them before the Monkey Royales.
"Well?" said King Monkey.
Amara kicked Sam and he held up the rights to the Chihuahua Song and the Almighty Guano Eye Poker.
"You bring us the rights to the Chihuahua song AND an Almighty Guano Eye Poker?"
The X-questers blinked and nodded.
"Very good, very good. DJ SPIDER!"
WHAT THE DJ SPIDER SAID: "Yes, your almighty monkey-ness?"
WHAT THE X-QUESTERS HEARD: "I'm right here, yo!"
"Begin the DJ-ing!"
DJ Spider saluted and scurried off to do his DJ thing.
"Now begone, oh honorary rave masters!"
Amara, Rahne, and Sam got while the gotting was good.
BACK AT THE PLANE...
Sam again got in the pilot seat and everybody again assumed the "put-your-head-between-your-knees-and-kiss-your-butt-goodbye" crash position.
ON THE X-BUS...
"Do you hear something?" JP asked Aurora.
"Maybe..."
"Did you have MORE of those spiked brownies?"
"Maybe..."
"Give me a straight answer, dammit!"
"Maybe..."
JP muttered something and mimed strangling her.
It was Renee who spotted the whirling SHINY of death. "Oh mon Dieu! Nous allons obtenir le coup par un tourbillonnement brillant de la mort!" (Oh my God! We're gonna get hit by a whirling SHINY of death!)
"What'd he say?" Ororo asked from the front of the bus.
"I dunno, I wasn't listening," said JP. "Were you?" he asked Aurora.
"Maybe..."
"Damn you woman!"
"Maybe..."
"AUGH!"
"Funny, he always struck me as a 'gah' guy," Bobby commented.
"Are you SURE you're not gay?" Ororo asked him.
"You're the sane one here!" Bobby screeched.
"If she is, then we're all doomed," Hank commented (yep, he was driving).
Renee piped up again. "BONJOUR! Nous sommes sur le point d'obtenir le coup par un géant tourbillonnant le plan BRILLANT de la MORT ici!" (HELLO! We're about to get hit by a giant whirling SHINY of death here!)
"I heard it that time. Something about a whirling SHINY of death," JP commented.
"Oh, he must mean the plane that's about to hit us," Hank commented.
"WHAT PLANE!" everyone else demanded.
"The one that's freefalling pretty slowly but still is probably gonna hit us," Hank explained.
After this little tidbit of info, everyone streamed screaming out of the bus (being sure to grab their luggage and instruments, of course). Then the plane hit, pretty much demolishing the bus. The plane, of course, was untouched.
"Well, I guess we're going by plane, then," Ororo commented.
The professor just spun his wheelchair around in a circle, crying "WHEE!"
(I have the undeNIable feeling that this chapter sucked, but, oh well. It's an update. The next chapters will be better, I swear! ..as for faster, we'll see. DAMN I put a lot of footnotes in this one. If the formatting is still weird, blame Babelfish for making Wordpad weird when I copy andpaste.)
(1) I've decided that Logan is the only one who's gonna remember the spell of the authors... well him, Bobby, and Rogue, anyway. O.o I could've been talking about the movie right there... creepeh.
(2) I SWEAR, Jubes is the only one who gets that joke. I'm not gonna let it leak anywhere else, I SWEAR!
(3) Kind of skewed quote from The Road To El Dorado, which I have been watching like CRAZY lately.
(4) Think Spy Kids 2... ah, the franchise before it got REALLY crappy.
(5) Double ref! My best friend Katie is an arachnaphobe. She freaks at the itty-bitty spiders that live at our school... I think they're cute. The other side of the ref is to HP 3, in which Ron sits up in the middle of the night and cries something like "The spiders! They want me to tapdance!"
(6) Skewed Fairly Oddparents ref. The actual line was "Now I shall suck out your brains... with these bendy straws!"
(7) Paraphrased from "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory," which is a very good movie and easy to cast for a parody.
(8) Not many people will get this quote, I'm betting. It's from "Space Toast!" which nobody's read. Well, technically, it was Remy who said it, but he's not around. Poor guy. No sake for him!
(9) Ok, so sake is Japanese and this is a phonetic spelling, but it's from "Around the World in Eighty Days." The main dude's crazy grandma keeps saying this. By the by, that's a very funny movie.
(10) That's The Almighty Shikaka, not The Animated Series. TAS sucks. The Almighty Shikaka does not.
(11) As if you don't know where this is from! ...ok, it's from Ace Ventura.