Chapter Thirteen
As Estella sat alone in her room, she thought over all the things she had done yesterday afternoon at the market. Why did Merry have to be there? And why did she have to be so furious with him?
She realized that she couldn't deny it any longer. As much as she hated to admit it, she loved Merry. She couldn't believe she had never realized it before. But he would never want to talk to her now, not after what she did and said. She just couldn't control herself when she was around him. The angry words came out of her mouth before she could stop them.
She never wanted to come out of her room again. She felt horrible. After yesterday's episode, Merry would completely forget all about her and would spend all his time with Azalea. She felt sick at the thought of that.
There came a knock at the door. "Estella? Are you in there?" It was her mother.
"Yes," Estella said.
"You've been in there all day, Estella. Is something wrong?"
"No, nothing's wrong," Estella lied. "I just don't feel well today. I might have caught a cold yesterday when I was out with Amy."
"Do you need any medicine?" Mrs. Bolger asked.
"Oh, no. I'll get over it."
"Well, all right. Do you think you'll be able to join us for supper?"
"Perhaps. It depends on how I feel," Estella said. She had no desire to face her family. The moment they saw her, they would know that there was something horribly wrong. "I would like to rest now, Mother."
"Well, I hope you feel better." And Mrs. Bolger disappeared.
Estella returned to her thoughts. Merry would never want anything to do with her. She didn't deserve him. She was a bad, horrible person who deserved to suffer. She buried her face in a pillow and let the tears fall. She had made some big mistakes in her life, and there was nothing she could do to undo them.
x-x-x
Similar things were happening in Merry's bedroom. Just like the day before, he hadn't come out of his room for almost the whole day. He had come out to eat breakfast, but hadn't come out again. He just wanted to be alone and sort things out. Everything was just so complicated and he had a hard time processing it all through his mind.
He wasn't entirely sure, but it seemed like Estella had feelings for him. Even though she had yelled at him and then ran off, he knew that she was only running from what she was trying to deny.
She had hurt him though. He only wanted to apologize for everything and she wouldn't even give him a chance. And then her cousin had to go and make things worse by going on about Azalea. He had no intention of having a relationship was Azalea, but Estella never let him explain that. Well if she didn't want to hear him out, then he wouldn't try talking to her again. It was no use trying to get through to her. She would never listen.
He had no desire to leave his room and go anywhere that day. Pippin had come to the house earlier, but Merry wouldn't see him. He didn't want to be lectured on what to do about Estella. He didn't want to hear anything that had to do with Estella. To him, she didn't exist.
He lay on his bed and fell asleep for some time, and then woke up but didn't feel any better. He wanted to forget about everything but it was impossible. It was starting to drive him crazy.
He wished there was someone he could talk to this about, but nobody would understand and he would feel embarrassed for asking about such things. Pippin wouldn't be any help and Frodo had never had anything to do with girls. He definitely couldn't tell his parents. He would have to try his best to ignore the situation.
The day went on and it became dark. Merry had fallen asleep again, simply out of boredom, and was now sitting up on his bed polishing his sword. There was a knock on the door and his whole body froze.
"Merry, are you in there?" It was his mother. "Supper is ready and you haven't eaten anything since breakfast."
Merry didn't answer. He wasn't hungry. He hadn't had an appetite since the day before.
"Merry? Merry, answer me."
He still remained silent. The door was locked and if he didn't say a word, then maybe she would think he wasn't there. He didn't want to talk to either of his parents. They would know something was upsetting him and would probably demand to know what it is.
"Are you even in there?" A few moments passed, and then she left.
Merry let out the breath he had been holding and was able to move again. He felt bad about doing that to his mother, but he really didn't want to come into contact with anybody just yet. He inspected his sword and then stabbed and slashed at the air with it a few times. He then put it back in its sheath and stared out the window. He knew he would have to go back out in the world and stop hiding. But he would do it when he was ready.
x-x-x
"I'm concerned about our son," Mrs. Brandybuck said to her husband. Supper was over and they were alone in their bedroom. "He hasn't come out of his room, not even for meals. I knocked on his door right before supper but he didn't answer and the door was locked. I'm not even sure if he was there."
"If he wasn't in his room, then where else could he be?" Mr. Brandybuck asked.
"You don't think he's planning to run away again, do you? He disappeared last year without telling anyone and he could very easily do it again."
"We'll both go check on him then and see if he really is not in his room," Mr. Brandybuck decided. He and his wife walked over to Merry's bedroom and Mr. Brandybuck knocked on the door. "Merry? Can you hear me? If you're in there, I want you to answer me. I'll break this door down if I have to."
Merry sighed, though it was so quiet that his parents couldn't hear it. He would have to confront them now. He had done enough avoiding. "I'm here."
"Well why haven't you been answering the door?" his mother asked. "Is there something the matter? You've avoided everyone for two days. We'd like you to come out now."
Merry reluctantly got up off of his bed and unlocked and opened the door to face his parents. He took a step forward. "All right. I'm out. Can I go back inside now?"
"Not yet," his father said. "What's going on? Why have you been shut up in your room without eating or speaking to anybody?"
"There's nothing wrong," Merry insisted. "I've just felt like being alone." He went back into his room and closed the door, and his parents didn't disturb him again. They were so relieved that he hadn't run away that they decided to give him the space he desired.
Merry didn't quite understand why he had to be alone in his room, but it was what he felt like doing. Everything was different now and he didn't know if things would ever be the same again.
x-x-x
Estella did not go to supper, and her parents did not question it since they thought she was only ill. Freddie came to the door once or twice, not entirely believing his sister's claim of being sick, but Estella sent him away and wouldn't talk to him.
She felt like she was being driven mad. She couldn't stop thinking about him. Merry occupied her thoughts even though she tried to stop it. She loved him so much that it hurt. And all this time, she had hated him so much that she loved him. She wondered if that was even possible.
She didn't know what to do. She would have to force herself to forget him. She would never stand a chance with him now. So many things had happened and she probably didn't even exist to him anyway.
"Why do I have to love him?" she moaned.
"What was that, Estella? Are you feeling better?" Her mother was at the door. Had she heard her?
"Oh, no," Estella said. "I'm still feeling rather sick. I think I should stay in here for a while longer. Please don't let anyone disturb me."
"I'll leave you alone then." Mrs. Bolger left, but as she walked down the hall she was slightly troubled. Was her daughter's so-called illness really a common cold? Or was something else causing it? She could have sworn she heard Estella say "Why do I have to love him?". And she sounded so tragic and despaired as she said it, as if loving that person was causing her pain. Who was her daughter in love with? Whoever he was, it sounded as if he had broken her heart.
She longed to ask Estella about it but knew that it would be the wrong thing to do. Estella would open up to her when she was ready.