Last one for tonight, folks. I swear this will be the last flashback/diary chapter. I don't know why, but I felt it was kind of necessary to explain everything from her point of view. Who knows…maybe this will bomb. But I can trust you guys to tell me! Oh, and another thing. If you think the (insert word for warm, squishy substance) has hit the fan already in this story, just wait until you read after this one. (attempts to push horns back into head AGAIN)

Hope you like!

Chapter Twenty-Eight

Edward stared at the pages he just read; a first-hand account of what really happened to his beloved friend. He could feel the tears forming behind his eyes, and tried desperately not to let them fall, but found it extremely difficult. He remembered his time at the gate, when he and Alphonse tried to resurrect their mother. He remembers the same pain she went through as his limbs were taken for payment. But why did she have to go through that? It wasn't like she was trying to perform a human transmutation or anything! Why did those homunculus have to do this to her? The description of the man who looked like himself perfectly described Envy, one of the homunculus that had tried to harm him and his brother. Anger surged through the teenager's body as he could see her story in his head, seeing her pain and panic as she was being eaten by the darkness. He took his hand and hit it against the roof in frustration. The force knocked the lid of the box back open, revealing some of the pictures Edward had ignored earlier.

Placing the book on the roof next to him, Edward picked up the pictures and flipped through them. There were a few that contained him, Al, and Winry when they were children. After that came the gruesome images that Pinako had captured. He saw the place in the front hall where the transmutation circle had been drawn. That exact circle had also been in the Fifth Laboratory when he was almost forced to transmute the prisoners into the Philosopher's Stone. He flipped through some more to find the aftermath of the incident, before Pinako was able to fully stitch the girl up. Someone else, probably the colleague who was mentioned in the prior entry, had to have held the camera while Pinako worked, but either way you could clearly see the destruction that happened to her poor body.

Edward felt helpless, and even though it happened a few years ago, he wished he could have been there to help. He never wanted anything to happen to the two women who lived here; that's why he and Al wouldn't visit unless it was necessary, and then would leave shortly after. He was constantly afraid that someone would try to harm them to get to Edward, and it happened. But for some reason, the teen felt that it didn't happen because of him. From what he read, the homunculus did this for a totally different reason. But homunculus weren't supposed to able to use alchemy! The only exception that he had seen so far was Wrath, but he came after all of this had happened. Someone had to be controlling and helping the homunculus, and Edward desperately wanted to know who was behind it.

Edward continued to flip through the pictures until he came across some that struck him as odd. In it, Winry was getting her base of her left arm totally reworked. What caught him off guard was not only Pinako working on her arm, but Second Lieutenant Havoc was holding Winry's other hand in comfort as the girl was obviously in a lot of pain. Confusion filled the teen's head, until he forgot that she had to get her arm re-worked a while ago after their battle with Scar. Havoc and someone else must have escorted her to Central. He looked through the last of the pictures, which were also of the repairs to her arm, and placed the pile back into the box gently. Edward brought his knees up to his chest, and wrapped his arms around them, looking off towards the mountains. The sun was still high in the sky, but Edward knew in just an hour or so it would begin its descent behind the mountains.

A slight wind suddenly blew the cover open on Winry's journal, and Edward reacted quickly to prevent it from being blown off the roof. He opened the pages back to where he left off and continued to read the remaining entries.

Summer Age 16

I know I haven't written in here since the incident when I was thirteen. I was almost scared to, because every time I would open it to the next clean sheet, I would read part of what happened which kind of freaked me out. That was enough to prevent me to write, or get anywhere near this journal. I'm okay with everything now. I've learned to accept what challenges have been given to me. Here's a recap as to what has happened this last year or so:

After the incident a few years ago, and after I got automail I would think more and more of Edward. I still had not heard anything from him since the Barry the Chopper incident (which I still have not written in here of course…sigh) in Central. I get more worried about him and Alphonse everyday. I began to study alchemy just as a way to pass time, but I could already hear Edward's voice in my head telling me not to. For some reason, I felt like I knew a lot about alchemy, but just couldn't quite recall any of it. It's like you're trying to remember something, and it's on the tip of your tongue. So close, and yet so far away. Could the gate I saw in my accident have anything to do with that? Anyway, I went downtown to the small library we have here in Rizenbul and checked out a few books on alchemy and began to read them, and surprisingly found that I liked to read about it, whereas I didn't when I was younger. After awhile I tried to transmute some things, and had some success and some failures, but realized that the more I practiced the more I would get better.

Grams noticed my new hobby and suggested I study it some more, if I found it so interesting. I don't think she realized how far I would take my new 'hobby'. One night, as I sat on the roof in Edward's and my spot I stared at the stars and thought about everything that had happened over the past few years. The bookkeeper downtown laughed and called it 'cute' that a girl had an interest in alchemy. And for some reason that statement angered me. Why couldn't a woman think alchemy would be interesting? I got much of the same reaction when people around town found out what I was studying. That night as I sat on the roof, I realized I wanted to become a state alchemist. If I honed and perfected my skills, I could really help some people. And also I soon discovered, as I practiced, that I didn't need to draw a circle like many people need to, which may give me an advantage.

I convinced Grams to go let me search for Edward and Alphonse's sensei. At first she was apprehensive, but then I think she realized I would go whether she wanted me to or not. It didn't take long to find her. She was in a small city called Dublith; I remember Edward mentioning it once or twice. When I told her I was coming to learn more about alchemy in order to become a state alchemist, she refused to teach me. I stayed where I sat in her dining room, and at first I thought she would physically throw me out of her house, but I again pleaded with her to teach me. I explained to her everything that had happened, and that I had seen. I begged again, and finally after what seemed like forever she gave in and agreed.

After a year of training (both alchemy and martial arts) I came back to Rizenbul, which is good timing because I got there right before Edward and Alphonse showed up. I didn't react like I thought I may when I first saw him, but I wasn't all hugging him and jumping up and down like I may have been had he shown up before the 'accident' happened. I kept my arms and legs covered in long-sleeved shirts, sweaters, and pants, and would also wear gloves. Of course they would have to show up though in the middle of summer; I thought I would die of heat exhaustion. Why did I cover myself up and hide what happened to me? I still ask myself that, but I don't really know. I thought maybe he might see me as a weak little girl if he found out what happened; that I wasn't able to defend myself. I thought maybe he would be angry that I didn't tell him right away, but I didn't want to bug him with this. He was off being a busy state alchemist. That, and he and Alphonse were still looking for ways to return their bodies back to normal.

So here I am, the evening after Edward and Alphonse departure. I'm sitting on the roof as usual, looking at the stars every once in awhile as I write this. Tomorrow, I leave to travel to Central so I can take the state alchemist's exam. I hope I make it. I don't want all of this studying and pain (sensei can be rough sometimes!) to be for nothing…

Wish me luck!

Edward couldn't believe how hard Winry would be on herself sometimes. He didn't understand why she would even think he wouldn't like her because of the incident that happened. It wasn't her fault that she was attacked! Even he can't fight the homunculus sometimes! Hell, look at the Fifth Laboratory incident. He almost gave in and sacrificed those prisoners so the homunculus would leave his brother alone. Edward sighed to himself as he saw one more journal entry:

Fall Age 16

Here I am again, Diary…It's been awhile (as usual), but I actually have a good reason for not writing. I was smart and forgot to pack you the night I last wrote in you. So you've been cooped up here for a few months. Sorry.

I'm back at Rizenbul again. My life has been turned around and thrown upside down a few times, and I'm still trying to regain some control. I passed the state alchemist exam and was the first woman in history to become a state alchemist, so that's kind of cool. I've already been sent on a few missions, and have been pretty good at them. I've stopped some bad people and helped people in return; basically what I became an alchemist for. I received a lot of flak from some of the soldiers, and even Edward was surprised/upset/mad at me at first, but I think he's over it now. He said he's not mad or anything that I didn't show him what happened to my arm and leg sooner, though he seemed pretty upset about it.

Anyway, I didn't stop by just to write in you. I came back here since my arm is pretty busted up…I mean…let me rephrase that…

It's more like missing. Edward, Alphonse, and I got into a battle with Scar, and even though we all survived (though he escaped), each of us received major injuries. I feel like a train has run over me a couple of times. Gram's putting the finishing touches on my new arm (it's a spare she made, but she's having to make some adjustments), and we'll be underway to repair the base on my shoulder soon. I'm not looking forward to it whatsoever. Probably tomorrow, though, I'm going to go over to Regan's and spend a few days with her, along with Havoc and Fury who accompanied me to Rizenbul. I have a bad feeling that Edward and Alphonse are going to stop by here on the way back to Central, and I don't want to see him.

What happened, you might ask? Well, we've become closer recently, and even during our battle with Scar he risked his life to help me. I came pretty close to dying, and he kind of went berserk. I woke up before he did when we were in the hospital ward, and Al told me everything that happened during the fight that I wasn't able to see anything. I also found out that, instead of reading books on the philosopher's stone, he had been reading books on automail instead. He was trying to find a way to make changing limbs less painful…because of me…

I love both of those boys sooooo much, and I want them to get their bodies back. I don't want to be the one that stands in the way of them and their goal. I know it is going to hurt both Edward and myself (it hurts right now…and not just from my injuries), but I want him to be successful. I told Alphonse that I was coming back here to fix my arm, but not to tell Edward. After my arm is fixed, I'm going back to Mustang and find out where my next mission will be.

I love Edward…that's why I have to do this…Is love supposed to hurt this much?

I am also going to ask Mustang if I can do my own research on the philosopher's stone. Maybe I can uncover some information they have not been able to find out as of yet. I just hope, that when Edward completes his task, that he won't forget about me.

I feel kind of selfish for doing all of this, but deep down, I feel that it's right. Like I said before, it's going to hurt like crazy, and there will be times that I want to give in and go running to him. But I refuse to stand in the way.

I don't see why people are so excited about love…it hurts too much…

On another note, I don't know when the next time I will be able to write in you, diary. I am going to leave you here, because I don't think I'll have a lot of time to write once I go back to Central for my next assignment. I may just leave you here, and write whenever I get a chance to come back; kind of like a big review each time I write. I have a feeling though, especially since I'm going to be researching the philosopher's stone as well, that I may not get a chance to come back here. Being a state alchemist isn't exactly as safe as a desk job, you know. Hell, for all I know, this may be my last entry. But I can't sit here and hide for the rest of my life. I am a state alchemist, and I'm not going to be taken out within my first year!

I wonder how Edward is doing right now…I just want to hug him right now, to have him hold me. I think I would feel really safe in his arms…I can't believe I just wrote that…I'm glad that I hide you in the box underneath my bed…I would just die if he or anyone else read all of this!

Oh, well, I guess this is it for now…

Edward couldn't control the small stream of tears that fell down his face. He knew how she felt for him, but this solidified it; it was almost like she was there telling him right then. She really did love him, and now she's no longer here. He couldn't protect her anymore…He couldn't hold her like she wanted. Edward quickly wiped the tears from his eyes and placed the notebook back into the box and locked it again. He wrapped his arms around his legs again and looked towards the now-setting sun. They used to enjoy sitting up here and watching the sunset, but now she was no longer able to. Anger and sorrow flowed throughout him. He didn't know what to feel anymore…He just knew that he needed to finish his task. That would involve fighting those damn homunculi, though maybe it might ease his pain. Even though he could no longer be with Winry, at least he would know she would be happy to find out they got their bodies back.

Edward quickly wiped his eyes again, and after grabbing the box, jumped down to the balcony below him. He quietly walked back to Winry's room and placed the box in its former resting place, and walked downstairs. The Colonel and his entourage were eating dinner with Auntie Pinako while Al sat to the side and listened to the conversation.

"Edward," called the Colonel, "There you are…We didn't think you were going to come out of the room again. I was about to send your brother up to retrieve you." Mustang saw Edward stop and look at him with his hard, golden eyes. He looked upset, which was to be expected, but it also seemed something else flamed underneath his sorrow. "What's wrong?" Mustang asked.

"Nothing, Al, Auntie…I'll be back…There's something I have to do alone…" muttered Edward as he walked towards the front door. He stopped in the front hallway and looked down to where her attack had happened. It was almost like he could see her body lying there in a pool of her own blood. Pinako looked over to see the boy shaking his head before walking through the front door.

Mustang looked from where Edward stood at the door moments earlier back to the elder woman, "What do you think has gotten into him?"

"I don't know," Pinako replied, "But I do believe we have our Edward back."

Edward kneeled before his mother's grave. The earth that had covered her and protected her was now moved to either side of her headstone. "I'm sorry, mother…" he said as he held a small bone from her body close to him, "Please forgive me…"