CHAPTER THREE: "Wide awake"
Elphaba opened her eyes and looked up, noticing the skylight on the roof for the first time. The sky was not quite pure black; there was a navy tint to it. She moved uncomfortably on the mattress. "Ow!" A rat scurried off into the darkness. Her arm ached and she supposed it must have been bleeding. Remembering that Madikien had offered to help her if she needed anything, she shoved through the closet; she wasn't sleeping on that mattress, it was too close to the ground for her liking.
To her surprise, Madikien was awake when she entered; her face flushed. She looked around, waiting for her eyes to adjust to the darkness.
"Are you okay?" Madikien asked, genuinely concerned. As he took in the sight of her, he stood up. "You're bleeding."
"A rat…" Elphaba mumbled warily, she was still so tired.
"Here, let me clean it off." He grabbed a piece of cloth from the floor – it seemed to Elphaba it was a towel, but it was too dark to know for sure – and held it under the pipe to run water on it.
"No." She backed away.
It took him a few seconds to remember that she had some sort of issue with water, "How are you going to clean the blood from your arm, then?"
She sighed, shaking her head. "All right, all right. But only a very little amount of water. And I mean very little." And she sat down at the edge of his bed as he attempted to wring the towel out. Watching him, she held out her arm, closing her eyes in preparation for the sting of the water.
He sat next to her and took her arm. As carefully as he could, he touched the towel to her arm and began to wipe away the blood. When he saw her grimace in pain, he pulled the towel away, "Did I hurt you?"
She shook her head weekly. "Just clean the blood off. Get this over with, please."
He watched her face closely, as he finished gently cleaning the blood from her arm. "You're going to be fine, right?"
She nodded meekly. "I need to put together the bed. Otherwise I'm too close to the floor and I'll be sleeping with the rats." But she didn't seem to have the energy to do much of anything; she certainly wasn't up to putting together her own bed. Though she tried to keep her eyes open and mask how sleepy she was, she was too drowsy to successfully look awake.
"You know what? I was about to go out and get a few things - "
"But it's so dark. It has to be the middle of the night."
"It's early morning. The sun will begin to rise soon enough. Why don't you sleep on my bed until I get back?"
"Sure." She was in no state to put together her own bed, anyway.
He stood up and pulled the blanket from under the pillow. "Make yourself at home." But when he turned to look at her at the edge of the bed, she was already beginning to nod off. He picked her up and placed her head on the pillow. Then he whispered, "Sweet dreams," and pulled himself out of the window.
When she awoke some hours later, Madikien was moving about the room. Instead of immediately sitting up and letting him know she was awake, she sat and watched him for some time. He had been kind to her, and it seemed almost genuine, but she couldn't trust anything. She kept her guards up, refusing to relax, and waited for some sign that there was something wrong here.
A fire was blazing in a fireplace that she was sure had been boarded up last time she'd seen the room in the light. He was crouched near it, doing something, perhaps throwing in more wood, and his skin looked a deep red in the firelight. She admired it silently for a minute, well aware of how much she hated the color of her own skin. When he turned and saw her, she averted her eyes and looked at the bedside table, on which there was a cold, fresh looking glass of milk.
"Awake?" He stood up and handed her the glass.
She sat up and took it from him. The milk felt smooth dripping down her dry, achy throat. "Thank you."
"How's you arm?"
"It feels a little sore, but I'm sure it's fine."
"May I see it?"
She held out her arm for the second time in the past few hours and scowled at the sight of it in the light. It had been deeper than she'd thought. There was no doubt that it would scar.
"At least it's already begun to scab over. We're going to have to do something about that rat problem. You up for a walk?"
The sun was only beginning to rise and even with the fire the air in the room was chilly. Elphaba looked at Madikien as if he was crazy. "Now?"
"You needed some things, didn't you?"
"But… now?"
"Yes, now." He laughed.
"Well. Okay." She found her cloak, wrapped it around herself and followed him.
When she met with Yackle some weeks later, surrounded by the cold steel walls of the hidden room, the subject of her first "assignment" came up immediately.
"Have you seen him doing anything suspicious? Anything at all?"
"Not a thing." Elphaba answered truthfully. "But I did learn that you've trapped me in this assignment in more than one way and have no plans of letting me get out of it."
"Heard about that other 'assignment', have you?" The old woman grinned.
"Yes, and I know it's a fallacy. The reason you told him that the directions were still in progress wasn't that they're being worked on, the reason was that there are no directions and never will be."
"Well, it's not as if we can just tell him that you happen to be around him so much because you're checking out his motives. You need a reason to be around him and watching over him so much. That is, if you're behaving the way you should be."
"How about telling me exactly what you think it is that I should do? It's not as if I have any clue."
"I told you what you should do and you know perfectly well. Your problem is that you don't want to do it. You can't even carry out your little piece of this…"
"Why do I have to be the one to do it?"
"Because this cause actually matters to you. Dearie, it has been quite some time since someone as devoted to the cause as you are came along. No matter how much you don't want to or what other emotions get in the way, you will do it. You would give up yourself for this cause; you'd do something lethal if you knew it was for the sake of the cause. But I'm asking you to just do this simple thing. And you'll do it because you feel for the cause. I can see that much in you."
Elphaba nodded solemnly and listened as Yackle went on to tell her that the early parts of the plan wouldn't require many people and that she needn't return for at least another month. By that time, Yackle told her, she was expected to have an initial idea – if not more – on where Madikien's loyalties lay.
"So you better have gotten somewhere with this by then." The old woman shooed her out of the room. "Go now. Get to it. And you may think differently, but I do know what you do – or more importantly, what you don't do. I have my ways." And with that, she sent Elphaba on her way.
Madikien had been kind enough to wait for her after his own discussion with Haladean. She smiled at him, the lecture from Yackle not far from her mind. She didn't know exactly what she had to do now. Yackle wanted her to get close to him; that much she understood. But how she was supposed to do so was the problem. Of course, she had to be the one to make the first move, no matter how small. He knew not to try anything unless she did something first; he'd observed that much almost immediately.
Silently, they headed back, matching stride for stride, for she knew he hated it when she walked directly behind him. She sighed as she walked, swinging her arms a little. Not even meaning to, her left hand grazed against his right hand. Quietly, she pretended it hadn't happened and looked at the ground. But this only caused her more problems, because she'd stopped paying attention to the swinging of her arms and her hand bumped into his once again. This time, he took her hand and glanced at her. He smiled lightly and she couldn't help smiling back; their fingers remained intertwined the rest of the walk.
When she was back in her room alone, she reexamined her feelings. Finding no more than the same old confusion, she sighed heavily. Elphaba, having never given romance a second thought, was tingling with both curiosity and fear. What bothered her the most was that she knew that they weren't quite close enough; it was not all that Yackle wanted and she wasn't sure it was all that she herself wanted, either. The thought of simply opening up and losing a little reserve, though appealing in some ways, was a vulnerability problem waiting to happen. But… what if he doesn't hurt me? She thought, as if the idea had never before occurred to her. If she could just let it go and be free altogether…
"Have dinner with me." Madikien was in her doorway.
She smiled at him, her inner walls not back up yet, and accepted. "What are we eating tonight?"
"Not bread." He grinned. "It's almost done. I expect you in five minutes." He walked back to his room.
Realizing she was still in her street clothes, she removed her cloak. She dusted off the plain black dress that she had worn beneath the cloak, a dress that she favored because its long sleeves covered the wound on her arm that had yet to heal completely. She left everything else as it was, including the bun in her hair that she always wore in the city to keep it out of the way. For a moment, she thought about at least braiding it behind her, but thought the better of it and just pulled it back into a ponytail and went through the closet.
She walked in and found Madikien heating something over the fire. He motioned for her to sit down at the bedside table that had once again become a makeshift dining table. When he was done, he handed her a paper napkin and a container (that was surely meant for something else but now served as a bowl) filled with pasta. Taking water from the pipe for himself, he handed her a glass of milk. It looked to be the best meal she'd eaten all week – and probably all of next week, too, for that matter.
They both devoured the pasta fairly quickly and Madikien insisted on cleaning up, which consisted of merely running water over the containers that had been used as bowls. Elphaba curled her legs to the side and sat near the fireplace. Soon after, Madikien settled himself next to her and watched her as she gazed at the fire intently.
"I… I'm sorry for the way I've acted towards you. I just don't know how to act towards people who are actually kind to me, as odd as that sounds, so I ended up being a little weird about it…" she began
"Not always. Not today," he interrupted. She didn't respond, feigning eye contact, though she was staring straight through him, afraid to look at him. So he continued, "yet, you're still not comfortable."
"I've never been completely comfortable with anyone, Madikien." She sighed, again, remembering Yackle's words and still trying to decipher her own feelings, as well. "But maybe," she said softly, leaning into him and allowing him to hold her, "I can be." For some time they stayed there, quietly, until each of them decided they were much too tired to stay up any longer and went back to their separate rooms, saying no more.
The next week and a half went by without incident. Occasionally, when Elphaba was curled up reading whatever she'd been able to find, Madikien would sit down next to her and pull her into his arms. She'd just continue reading, but would, once in a while, nuzzle her head against his shoulder or chest to acknowledge him silently. Or Elphaba would sneak her hand into his at any time during the day, or would throw her arms around his neck and hug him sweetly. Neither of them said anything during or about these little moments. Elphaba wouldn't talk about it and Madikien decided to respect that and did the same.
Despite all of that, Elphaba still spent much time alone in her room. The room was a lot homier than it had been before, too. The bed had finally been fixed, and she had decided it would go directly under the skylight so she could look at the stars as she fell asleep. In the middle of the room stood the table and two chairs. There was not a rat in sight (though she knew one or two were still scrambling about). All in all, it was home. Yackle hadn't found her another place to stay, which Elphaba had figured all along. Madikien either didn't remember or didn't ask. Elphaba was no longer bothered by the arrangement, anyway.
Whenever he was in the same room as she was, Madikien would watch her, quietly analyzing every movement, every twitch. She didn't seem to mind him being in the room, hers or his, even in the silence. He would notice her looking over her shoulder at him sometimes and catch her eye and smile. Though she still held back and could be standoffish at times, she allowed him to hold her longer and had less trouble meeting his gaze.
But there was one afternoon, just after lunch. Madikien sat on his bed, legs stretched out, arms behind his head against the headboard, and watched Elphaba moved about the room, cleaning a little compulsively. He enjoyed looking at her; her skin looked so much softer than any other particular shade of skin in Oz. Her black hair was strictly braided, no stray hair out of place. As she moved around, he said softly, almost in a whisper, "You're beautiful, you know that?"
She only glared at him.
"What?"
She didn't respond but turned on her heel and began to walk to her own room.
"Elphaba, wait!"
She stopped walking, but she didn't turn back to face him.
"What did I say to make you upset?"
"You know perfectly well what you said." She told him over her shoulder, sharply.
"I know what I said, but I can't seem to find anything within those words that would upset you."
She turned around to face him again. "I don't need to hear things that I know just as well as anyone else aren't true. Hell, even a blind man could tell you that you just lied."
"All I said was that you're beautiful."
"Exactly." She said tartly.
"But I mean it. You are beautiful."
She almost slapped him, but she remembered that it hadn't worked well the previous time and caught herself before even raising a hand. "If you really expect me to believe that, you must think even lower of me than I thought." Shaking her head, she walked into her room, slamming the closet door behind her. He didn't bother trying to go after her, he wasn't that stupid.
A day later, he tried to approach her, hoping she'd cooled off. He knocked on the door, taking a deep breath. "Elphaba?"
"What do you want?"
"Can I talk to you?"
"Fine."
"Can I come in?"
"If you must."
She was sitting at the table reading, giving him an annoyed look. He took the other chair and sat down. "I'm sorry to bother you."
"Whatever."
He reached across the table to put a hand over hers, but she slid her hand off of the table. "Elphaba, would you please just tell me what's wrong?"
"I told you what you did."
"And how am I supposed to fix that? It's not as if I insulted you."
"Say that you're sorry you felt you had to lie about the way I look. Say that you're sorry and you should've known better than to pretend to feel things you don't feel. Acknowledge that I'm not what you said I was and admit that you didn't mean it." She wasn't looking at him, but rather at her book.
"But…"
"Don't even start that with me. If you're going to continue the whole 'I really meant it' routine, you can stop wasting your time and leave the room."
"Elphaba, please."
She got up, leaving the book on the table. Lightly, she pushed him towards the door. "Out."
"Oh, come on, can't you just listen to me?"
She pointed at the door. "I said 'out'."
There was minimal contact between them for the next three weeks. Elphaba didn't touch his hand or hug him. He reminded himself over and over again that he could do nothing but sit and wait for her. Day after day he waited, doing nothing. Twice he went and had a drink with Jansied, and those were the only times that he left his room.
When Elphaba had to go report in to Yackle, coincidentally (or not so coincidentally, Elphaba suspected) at the same time Madikien had to see Haladean, they walked in silence. Once they arrived, Yackle immediately pulled Elphaba aside.
"When you left here last time, I thought things would be fine. This is obviously not the case. Did you even give him a chance?"
"Yes." Elphaba said resentfully.
"Then what happened?" Yackle demanded.
"What do you mean?"
"If you think I can't tell from the way you walked in here that you're angry with him, you have another thing coming. And the way he was looking at you tells me he isn't mad at you in the least."
"Fine, then. I'm mad. But this isn't a cross-examination or some sort of interrogation and I don't feel like talking about it!"
"Talking about what?" Yackle pushed.
"He just said something out of line, that's all."
"What did he say?"
"He lied."
"How?"
She paused for a moment and angrily jerked and a piece of hair that had come loose from her bun. "He said I was beautiful."
The old woman gaped at her. "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you sound?" Yackle didn't want for an answer. "Do you have any idea how ungrateful you sound? Someone tells you that you're beautiful and you get mad?"
"He lied, Yackle."
"And you have an assignment to complete. He said something sweet to you, you could've taken that a different way and begun to seduce him, but… you go off and get angry? Did you ever consider that maybe he truly thinks you're beautiful?"
"For about one second before I started laughing. And how am I supposed to believe anything? Maybe he wants information out of me. Maybe, because I'm one of the only people he sees every day, he's gone delusional."
"You just want out of this assignment. Miss Elphaba, if you had any idea how disappointed I am in you right now…"
"I haven't done anything wrong!" She protested.
"You haven't done anything one way or the other. Madikien may or may not be a traitor. If he is, then you get the honor of assisting in revealing it. If not, though it's technically forbidden, you could have some sort of love in your life - "
"I don't want it."
"Either way, you're supposed to be doing this for the cause. I thought you were more dedicated than this. When you came in here, you accepted that each single person, real person, has no self. But now you seem to be thinking differently. Maybe you're right; maybe I shouldn't have let you handle this particular assignment."
Elphaba paused and thought for a moment, only then realizing how absurd she sounded. She suddenly felt very guilty, guilty for being mad at Madikien and guilty for not doing what would help the cause. "No, I'll do it. I'll watch him, talk to him, do whatever else it is you want. But, from what I've seen, he doesn't seem like a traitor."
"That's my girl." Yackle smiled. She gave Elphaba directions to meet at a different location two months from then. Elphaba had no part in the early preparation for the 'campaign', as the called it. "So I expect you to have plenty of time. You'll be stuck, bored, alone and lonely with only one other person to talk to. There's got to be something to get out of him. Even if he's not a traitor, we need something to prove that. Now go."
Madikien had not yet left and Elphaba walked home by herself. When she got into her own room, she pulled the bun out of her hair, irritated at the miniscule strands of hair that had managed to escape it, not to mention that the bun had been incredibly too tight. She pulled it back into a ponytail carelessly and went into Madikien's room, having not heard him enter and knowing the room was empty.
The room was dark and the day was nearly over. In the sky, the sun was low, and she thought she could even perhaps catch a glimpse of the moon. She sat at the edge of the bed, waiting to for Madikien so she could start a conversation she knew had to be started. She stared out the window, trying to plan her apology. He almost didn't see her when he entered.
"Elphaba, what are you doing in here?" He asked, having nearly tumbled into her by accident.
She shook her head and looked at him as he sat up and maneuvered himself so he was next to her. No words came out of her mouth; she merely looked at her feet.
"Are you all right?"
"I'm fine. Well, I'm a little sleepy, but I'm fine."
He furrowed his eyebrows, obviously wondering why she wasn't in her own room. "Uh… then why don't you go to bed?"
She didn't answer his question directly. "I was immature. The way I reacted to what you said…" She paused aggravated, wringing her fingers. "I hate saying this, admitting all of this. I don't want to admit that I was just being stubborn and childish, but I was stubborn and childish and had no grounds to behave the way I did. In all honesty, I regretted it the minute I walked out of the room, but after snapping at you like that, I was a bit too prideful to say I'm sorry. I know I was wrong and I'm so sorry. I understand if you're not quite ready to forgive me."
"It's good to hear you admit your faults. Especially hearing it from you." Thinking for a moment, he added, "You must really hate this right now, waiting to see if I'll accept your apology and leaving yourself open to rejection." He smiled when she nodded intensely. "I forgive you. I would've forgiven you had you not even asked for it. Sooner or later, I probably would've begged for your forgiveness."
"So, can we just pretend this never happened?" She asked, hopefully.
"As long as you don't get angry when I say something nice about you." He reached and pulled her into his arms. "Because you are beautiful."
Elphaba shrugged. "Believe what you will."
Madikien sighed, "Well, that's good enough for now, I guess."
"Are you this nice to everyone?"
"I can be nice if I want to, but you have yet to find that there are times when I can be an ass."
She smiled up at him. "I think I like that." And with that she kissed him lightly, though she couldn't stop herself from pulling away quickly, bowing her head and looking away from him.
"What's wrong? Still tired?"
"No." She said, and she boldly locked her gaze on his. "I think I might finally be wide awake." Her mouth found his once more and, for the final time that night before they separated and went to their own beds and dreamed of one another, she kissed him deeply, holding the kiss for a long time, not wanting to pull away and taking pleasure in the comfort of his arms.