Elphie's sickness…. Random. And now she might be sick again, but this time, it might not be so random…
CHAPTER ELEVEN: "Everyone has secrets"As the summer progressed, a dull, tranquil laziness took hold over the atmosphere in Oz; there was no task that had to be done "right away" or any urgent chore that required immediate attention. Things seemed to move slowly and autumn was taking its time in arriving. The days were humid and sluggish, dragging by and almost seeming to pause every once in a while. But the people of Oz were content with the summer aura; there was so much to take in around them, so many new problems to face.
During these hot summer days, Elphaba recovered from her illness steadily. Within two weeks of Yackle's visit, she was in good health again. She passed her days reading her books or teasing the cat. The days were nice; there were many more conscious and alert moments. Even the nights were moderately warm, though Elphaba insisted sleeping under a blanket no matter what temperature it was; Madikien knew it was one of her self-conscious habits, so even on the nights when it was just simply too hot to deal with the blanket, he didn't argue. It was calm, and they rarely fought, which was different.
One evening, as Elphaba was cleaning up after dinner and he was already in bed, Madikien unwillingly and unknowingly broke the calm. "I've been wondering about Yackle and that stuff she gave you. I just don't see why it bothered you so much."
"I think we've gone over this. That drink, whatever it was that Yackle gave me… it was dangerous. And I mean that not in a physically harmful way. As I said, she wanted me to talk."
"I understand that. But about what?"
She glared at him over her shoulder. "I don't know. She must've thought I was hiding something."
"Were you?"
"No." She said shortly.
"Then there was nothing for her to hear, so why is it still something dangerous to you?"
"Do you understand? I could've said anything."
"But if there's nothing terrible for her to find out, why does that concern you so much, still?"
"Everyone has secrets."
"Yes, but not harmful secrets. And you said 'harmful'."
"Why are you pushing this?"
"Because if you have some sort of harmful secret, it might harm you."
Or you… "And I said not physically harmful. Maybe harmful was the wrong word. I meant embarrassingly uncomfortable. Darling, you do realize when I said 'anything' I meant 'anything', such as certain intimate little details, like maybe how, when we make love, you like to - "
"Elphaba!"
"Exactly. Do you really want someone knowing that? Aside from me, no one should know that about you. That's the type of thing I'm talking about. It's humiliating, incriminating, something like that."
"Incriminating?"
She wasn't going to deal with this. Not then, and hopefully not ever. "Why are you analyzing every word I say?"
"I'm not. But something scared you about all of that. I don't like seeing you that afraid, baby. So I'm wondering what it was. That's all."
"Ugh. Nothing scared me. It's just a little uncomfortable to think that someone else may know some things I'd rather not talk about or remember. And I don't even know what I said."
"It couldn't be anything too bad. You have nothing bad to hide."
Taking advantage of the opportunity to lead him onto another topic, she laughed and looked at him slyly. "My dear, do you really think I do everything I'm told to do and never do something bad?" She finished cleaning and turned out the lights.
"In some aspects…"
It was difficult to continue getting ready for bed in the dark; she fiddled with the clasps on the back of her dress. "Well, you're used to seeing me on my best behavior."
He laughed. "What are you like when you're not on your best behavior?"
She climbed into bed and kissed him. "Do you want to find out?"
The previous subject farther and farther from his mind, he was more than willing to dismiss it. "Sounds like fun. Would you mind if I asked about your worst behavior?"
"I've never been on my worst behavior. I'm not allowed to." She slid her body away from him, teasing, knowing he wanted her.
"But you should always try everything once." He caught her by the waist. "So, I'm deciding that you're allowed to now."
After pretending to struggle for a moment, she let him pull her closer. "Who put you in charge? You're forgetting that when I'm not on my best behavior, I don't do what I'm told."
"Then don't. Do whatever you want." His hand strayed below her waist, kneading the moist, warm flesh between his fingers, making her moan.
She sank beneath the blanket, pulling him with her. "You asked for it."
As usual, they stayed beneath the blanket, finding their way around the familiar terrain of each other's body by touch.
Two and a half months go by with no difference in such "behavior", but after a while, Elphaba was no longer on her best or worst behavior. In fact, she wasn't even somewhere in between.
It seemed almost as if she'd regressed back to how she'd been years ago, possibly further. She suddenly became more uncomfortable; she began to shy away when he touched her.
One night, as rain pattered on the windows and Madikien and Elphaba were in bed, not touching, Madikien reached for her, just wanting to feel her presence.
She tossed and turned away. "Not tonight."
"All I wanted was to hold you."
"No." There was silence.
"Elphaba?"
"What is it now?" She was lying on her back, trying to sleep.
"What did I do to deserve a cold shoulder? You might as well have slept in your own bed the past four nights. I can't even touch you."
She sighed. "You didn't do anything. I just don't want to be touched right now."
He rolled onto his stomach and turned his head to the side to look at her. "What do you mean by 'right now'? Does that mean not for another night or two…?"
"Is sex all you think about?" Her voice rose.
"No. I'm just trying to make sure I don't do something that'll get me snapped at. Apparently, I'm not doing very well."
"Fine. I don't know how long. Just leave it alone."
"I'm not going to just leave it alone, Elle. I'd like to know what's going on."
She blinked slowly. "I can't explain that to you."
"Why not?"
"I can't explain it at all."
"Is it physical? Mental?"
"Maybe both."
"That helps," he muttered, turning away from her as she had done to him.
"What the hell do you want me to say? I told you, I can't explain it!" She sounded angry. No, not angry, upset – she sounded upset.
"Whoa, love, calm down." He faced her again, noting that something was unusual about how quickly her tone had switched. "I understand that you can't explain it, but you can't just leave it at that. That isn't fair."
"There's nothing more than that, though."
"There has to be."
"How many times have I told you that I just can't explain it? That's it. There's no deeper, hidden motive here."
"All right, then. I'll let that go, for now. But I still have questions. Why aren't you just sleeping in your own bed for the time being?"
She needed to be near him, just not actually touching him. But he wouldn't understand that. "Would you rather I sleep in my own bed?"
"I don't think it there's much of a difference at this point."
"I see a difference. When I'm in here, you never let me fall asleep. You always have to talk." Suddenly she was irritable. She inched even further away, at the edge of the bed by now.
"Only tonight. I haven't said a word about anything until now."
He was right, but she wasn't going to injure her pride by actually admitting that. "Just…"
"What? Just what?" When she didn't answer, he continued, "I know you have nothing more to say. I know you want me to let this go. But, Elphaba, baby, I can't do that."
"Well, you're not getting anywhere by bothering me about it." She sat up, irate.
"Why do I even bother trying to talk to you anymore?" He threw up his hands, exasperated.
"Madikien…"
"Don't. Don't even try, Elphaba."
"Madikien, stop. Please." Her voice was shaking.
She wasn't going to cry. Not over this. She never cried. She was just trying to make him feel bad. But when he glanced at her, though there were no tears, she'd scrunched her eyes closed like she was trying to fight away tears that were threatening to flow. She was biting her lip and trying to swallow through a knot in her throat. He relented just a little and asked, "What's wrong? Why do you even care if I'm angry with you or not?"
She clenched her jaw and blinked. "Because I care about you. You don't seriously think you mean nothing to me?"
He knew she cared, but he wasn't going to leave this alone. It was very uncharacteristic of her to behave this way. She could get angry, she could be irritable, she could be scared, she could be happy, she could be playful and loving, she could be reticent, but this… this hurt didn't fit under any of those categories. "No, I don't. But it would be nice if you'd act like you cared."
"It would be nice if you would act like you understood." She retorted angrily.
"It'd be nice if you'd act like I have the capacity to understand and actually give me the fucking chance to do so!"
Taking a deep breath, she said, "It's complicated. I don't want to drag you into it until it's absolutely necessary."
"What would make it absolutely necessary?"
"Time." She shook her head when he opened his mouth to ask more.
He looked at her curiously. She wasn't herself tonight and he didn't know what was going on. She hadn't been herself in days. There was something abnormal about the whole situation, and he was determined to find out what it was. After leaving a few moments of silence, he said, "I'm not mad at you. There is a reason for all of this. It's just that right now, I can't possibly grasp what it could be." He paused and lightly touched her hand. "Wait, are you sick again?"
"If only it was that easy." She moved so that he was no longer able to reach her hand.
"I love you, Elle. You know that. Tell me you know that."
She nodded.
"Then why are you pushing me away again?"
"Because, for the time being, it's best if you're not too close to me."
"For three weeks after you were sick, you were shaken up about the entire Yackle situation. I thought it was a little too much worry, but at least I knew what was wrong. For more than two months, you were fine. Now, you're not. I'm not asking you to drag me into it; all I'm asking for is an explanation."
"You'll get an explanation in due time." Her eyes were big and pained, another unfamiliar expression.
"Why can't you just tell me now? Whatever it is won't anger or upset me any more or less no matter when you tell me."
"It doesn't seem real just now. I'm not troubling you with something that may just be nothing."
"It won't trouble me if I know it might be nothing."
"Given the nature of it, yes, it will."
"Does this have anything to do with any of your assignments?"
"Not directly. Barely even indirectly."
Something in her eyes told him that he was pushing her too much. "Fine, then. I'm not going to bother you about it right now. We're getting nowhere and I'm too damn tired to deal with it, anyway."
"Thank you." She was still sitting up, looking a little unsure.
"You've got to be tired, too. Get some sleep."
"Do you want me to sleep in my room for a while?"
"Maybe that would be a good idea. Not because I'm angry with you, but it's hard having you right next to me in my bed when I can't even hold or touch you." He tried to give her a comforting smile, hoping to ease the pain in her eyes.
She gave him a weak smile that seemed to take a lot of effort. "Right. Well, I'll see you in the morning, then?" It looked like it was easier for her to get up and walk to the door than to smile.
"Of course." He made sure that she was looking in his eyes before he said, "I love you."
As he lay back in bed, he continued to speculate about what had been so off about the way she'd acted. He made a list in his head of noticeable things that she'd done lately that she hadn't regularly done before: she was easily hurt, she wouldn't be touched, she held herself differently, she snapped quickly, she jumped to conclusions, she wasn't hiding that she was upset… Several of those pointed to paranoia. But why? What could she possibly be paranoid about? It had to do with him, in some way, too. She was weak, vulnerable… no outside situation could do that to her. Something inside had thrown her off, something she was unable to put an end to. It was physical. Yes, it had to be. It was mental, too, for sure. But the physical changes weren't visible. Or were they?
The next weeks, he watched her carefully. He took note of how she carried herself and what things angered, hurt or worried her. There were no other changes that he could see. She continued to read all of the time and she still seemed to take pleasure in his company, though she couldn't get close enough for him to touch her.
One rainy morning, as Elphaba was reading, he asked her, "What are we?"
"People," she answered, looking at him as though the question were absurd.
"I didn't mean it like that. I mean us. What are we, in your eyes?"
She didn't like putting labels to things. "We're… in an intimate relationship."
"As in lovers?"
"If you choose to word it that way, yes."
"Even now? Even when you won't let me touch you?"
"Yes, because that's only temporary."
"But there are no rules. No boundaries. If one of us were to go off and sleep with someone else, technically it wouldn't qualify as being unfaithful because we never established this relationship as monogamous."
Now he had gotten her attention. She put the book down and looked at him curiously. "I guess that makes sense. What have you done?"
"I haven't done anything. I'm just pointing it out."
"All right. Let me reword that. What are you planning on doing?"
"Elle, I'm using that as an example. I don't love anyone but you. But we have no rules, no identity, no promises, and no trust. Either of us could walk out on the other with no strings attached. "Do we even exist as anything? Is this just nothing? Does this mean anything?"
He'd hit something. She looked out the window and he noticed, suddenly, that she was no longer disturbingly thin the way she had been in her sickness. It seemed that she'd gained all the weight back and maybe even a pound or two more. It was nice to see her looking healthy.
She looked at him again. "We exist."
"Then why haven't we acknowledged that out loud?"
"I don't know."
"Then let's talk about it now."
"Go ahead." She wasn't about to speak first.
"Is this monogamous or not?"
"Unless you're neglecting to tell me something, it is."
"So we'll make that a rule? Understood between the both of us?"
"Of course. It's kind of unspoken, you know."
"Of course. Now, what about meaning?"
"What?"
"Is this simply sex? Do we care about each other? Is this just entertainment? Are we going anywhere, or is this it?"
This was not something that she'd felt needed talking about. But now she realized that, given her situation, it had to be discussed. "To me, this isn't just about sex. If it had been, I wouldn't have ever pulled away from you. And I can't answer for you, but I care."
"As do I."
His words brought a hint of a smile to her face. "We aren't entertainment. That's what my books are for." She left it at that.
"And…?"
"And what?"
"I asked you, are we going anywhere, or is this it?"
"Where is there for this to go?"
"The future, maybe? When the entire campaign is over and we can live normal lives, what will happen to us? To what we have now?"
Thinking too far into the future scared her. And suddenly she was a little nauseous. She excused herself for a moment and ended up vomiting out the window of her room. When she returned, she was apologetic. "I'm sorry. I must've eaten something that didn't agree with me. I'm not sick, I promise."
Staring at her strangely, as if he was seeing her as a different person, he said, "I believe you."
She sat back down but didn't pick up her book. "Are we going to continue the conversation?"
"Yes. You were about to say something."
"The future… I don't know. Do you think this should last?"
"What do you think about it?"
The thought of him leaving her made her anxious. With recent circumstances, she didn't know what she'd do if he left her. "I'd like it to last, if you would."
"I'd like the same thing." He smiled at her.
His words once again brought a smile to her face, and more than just a hint of one. "But when we talk about the future, how long are we talking about?" Dreading the answer, she asked, "And how long do you want?"
"If we'd be how we normally are, excluding this temporary behavior, I'd want this to last always."
Her cheeks darkened as blood rushed to her face. "I feel very foolish and naïve right now."
"It's not such a bad feeling, baby. Don't ruin it. I love you. I've said it many times and I'll say it many more."
Much to his surprise, she moved to sit next to him and rested her head on his shoulder. "You scare me, did you know that?"
He put his arm around her happily, astonished at this sudden mood swing. "Why?"
"Because, Oz save me if I'm wrong, but you meant what you said just now."
"I did mean it. I do mean it. And you're scaring me now, too. Why am I suddenly allowed to touch you?"
"Just this. No more." She didn't give him a direct answer.
"I never told you I was sorry for getting so angry with you before."
"I'm sorry, too." And she told herself, he deserves to know, I can't avoid telling him about it much longer, anyway.
"Now that all of that talking is over with, I still have more to say. I won't ask you any more questions. I'm just going to talk, all right?"
Well, putting it off for a few more minutes won't harm anyone… "That's fine with me, then."
"I still don't like that you never told me what was wrong, you know. Now something tells me that what you refuse to tell me is really important, but you're not saying anything for some reason. I'm just stating facts, I am not angry. Just listen to this and see what I'm seeing."
"I have bad eyesight, I can't see what you're seeing." Her black hair got caught on her dress and she tore at it ruthlessly, refusing to look up.
"Can we be serious right now, please?"
She sighed. "Yes. And as long as we're being serious, I have something to say when you're done."
"All right, then. This is what I'm seeing: You're acting out of character, emotional, hormonal. You get hurt when I'm angry with you. You won't do anything that could lead to sex. You're carrying yourself differently, too. You used to fold your arms across your chest. Now, you kind of cross them across your stomach like you're protecting yourself from something."
She was looking down again; she wouldn't meet his eyes.
"I had no idea what could possibly going on inside that body and mind of yours until I noticed these two things." Gently, he poked her, trying to make her look at him. "You've gained back all of the weight that you lost when you were sick, but you didn't stop there – which isn't a bad thing, you're always beautiful. Even then, I wasn't entirely positive about what was happening and I'm still not, but I see no other possibilities. A couple of minutes ago, baby, when you left the room, you got sick. The last thing you ate was bread. Your excuse was that it 'must've been something I ate'. You eat bread all of the time and you never throw up. But you threw up this morning, anyway." He nudged her again, needing to see her eyes. "And I'm beginning to think that you're - "
She took his hand in a gesture meant to both cut him off and to show affection at the same time. "Um…"
When she looked at him helplessly, he said, "I'm right." He stared at her, shaking his head in shock as if he had expected to be wrong. "You're… Wow. It would only make sense, but I still… I thought, maybe it was possible but I really didn't think that I was…"
"Right," she finished for him. "Yes, you were right."
Ha! It's not just another pregnant Elphie story, though. It's more than that. I almost need to keep chapter twelve with eleven, but I won't. But twelve will come soon, because I am kind of leaving you all hanging.