"Ah, Miss Elphaba, it's good to see you in such good health again. How are you doing? Taking care of yourself, I hope?" Yackle stood in the cold, steel walled room months and months later, having sent for Elphaba so she could check on the young woman.
"Yes, and I'm doing fine." Elphaba didn't feel safe in this room anymore. If she talked in here, or anywhere in the building, Madikien could end up in a very bad situation. As angry as she was with him for lying to her, she wasn't willing to go behind his back and give him away – though that's what she was supposed to be doing in the first place, according to Yackle.
"Recovered from your little mishap well?"
Coldly, Elphaba replied, "Very well, thank you."
"Don't you see, dearie? It all works out in the end."
"Right. Just like everything happens for a reason." She was surprised at the ironic, yet accusatory tone in her voice.
"Yes." The old woman cocked her head, pretending she couldn't read the young woman like a book. "What are you so mad about, dearie?"
"You're happy that it happened, aren't you?"
"I'm glad that you'll be able to continue working on the campaign instead of sitting in bed nursing all day."
"If you say so. Why did you call me down here?"
"I'm just checking up on your health. I'd also like to hear about your progress on your assignment."
She needed to think up a lie, and quickly. "Well, I followed him again."
"Good, good."
"He went exactly where he told me he was going."
"And where was that?"
"To get a drink with Jansied. He went to the bar."
"Did you go in and try to pick out pieces of their conversation?"
"I'd look a little obvious, don't you think?"
Yackle looked at her scornfully. "Bars are dark, dearie. It'd be hard to recognize anyone if they were wearing perhaps, a cloak."
"Fine, fine. I'll do that next time." Elphaba was eager to get out of there.
"All is well with that, then. Now come, sit."
Suspiciously, her eyes on the old woman, Elphaba took a chair at the table.
"Here." Yackle poured a cup of liquid and handed it to her.
"Why aren't you drinking any?" She knew what was going on.
"I don't drink anything but hot water and the occasional tea these days, the doctors say it's better for my health."
The cup didn't go near her mouth. "Why should I trust this?" She pushed the cup away from her on the table.
"Did I give you something harmful last time you were here?"
"Now that I think of it, I don't know."
"I poured you tea from the same kettle I poured for me."
"But you and I are very different. We were even more different then." Elphaba had a sudden notion that the old woman had more control over her life than was safe.
"But that potion works on anyone."
"I never said it was the same as the one you used to make me tell you things. What was in that tea, Yackle?"
"Nothing that you or I shouldn't have had."
A horrifying thought came to her mind. No. It couldn't be. Even this woman wouldn't stoop so low as to… "That's in your opinion. Would it have been the same as mine?"
"It was what was best. It just quickened something that was meant to happen, dearie, that's all."
The old woman's voice lingered in her ears like a ghost.
"Perhaps it was meant to happen. It's what you wanted, isn't it?"
But she hadn't seen her before the chaos erupted… Not in those twenty-four hours. However, she'd had the tea two days earlier. "Oh, no. You… I… You put me through that hell? All the bleeding and the pain and the emptiness… That wasn't supposed to happen."
"You weren't supposed to have been so careless as to get pregnant."
"What in Oz were you thinking? Do you know what that felt like? Of course you don't, for I doubt you've ever been careless. Am I right?"
"Quiet! Listen to me, and listen well. I know you didn't like what you went through, but at least that taught you a lesson. You're forgetting how much we need you here. With you pregnant, we were down one person. That may seem small, but it isn't, dearie. Maybe you don't realize how much you could've hurt the cause by having that child. For instance, what if Madikien was a traitor? Where would you go, here with us, or with the father of your child?"
"If he was a traitor, maybe he'd give it up."
"And get the both of you killed? I don't think so."
"I wouldn't have gone against the cause, Yackle."
"Not in any normal mood or moment, but you don't seem to have any idea how vulnerable you are when you're pregnant. The hormones… you could've done anything. You could've gone with him and betrayed us."
"If he was a traitor, he would've done that anyway."
"But he doesn't know enough to get even remotely close to the core of this group. You do. How would you feel if you did something like that, hmm?"
"I wouldn't have."
"There's no guaranteeing that, dearie. You shouldn't be arguing over this. If you hadn't gotten pregnant in the first place, we wouldn't be having this conversation. What caused you to be so foolish?" After a pause, the woman snickered. "Oh, you silly child, you don't even see how foolish you are."
"Child? I'm twenty-one. And I'm certainly not foolish, because if I was foolish, I'd be drinking this." She dropped the cup on the table, watching in spill and roll off the edge. With one finger, she touched the liquid and looked at it in the light. Before she'd been sitting in the shadows, unable to see the color of this mysterious drink. "You thought I'd fall for this stuff again? You really do think I'm foolish. What is it that you think I'm hiding from you?"
"If I knew what you were hiding from me, I wouldn't be trying to find out. But something tells me that you're struggling with your loyalty to the cause. I thought higher of you than that."
"What changed?"
"When you came in here, I thought you were dedicated enough to do anything…"
"I am!"
"It took you an awfully long while to deal with your assignment."
"But I dealt with it."
"I'm not so sure about that."
Elphaba stood up, cheeks darkening with rage. "How can you accuse me of this? Look at all I've been put through and all I've put myself through. Any normal person would've walked out of here a long time ago. But I haven't, even after everything that's happened. I care about this cause and would sacrifice my life for it!" Just not his…
"If you'd sacrifice your life for the cause, why are you having such difficulty understanding that your unborn child's life had to be sacrificed for this?"
"Because it didn't enter this on it's own will."
"It was conceived by two people who did enter this on their own will. That was your responsibility, and Madikien's, too. If something or someone gets in the way and we can't save them without abandoning an assignment, then so be it. Maybe you should've thought twice before being so irresponsible and jumping into bed with him every night you felt like it. I never saw you as a very sexual being, actually. Well, maybe after one taste of it, you just couldn't get enough. It wouldn't surprise me if, even after what happened before, you were still behaving foolishly now."
Ignoring everything else that the woman was implying, Elphaba responded, "You'd be happy to know that I am not, in fact, behaving that way. I do have some self-control you know." She and Madikien had developed a routine. Elphaba was very conscientious of the date and always told him at least one day in advance when it came to nights when they couldn't make love. On these nights, they'd still sleep in the same bed, sometimes holding one another. On occasion, they'd play and tease, but they never actually went too far. She'd gone through a dreadful time and she wasn't going to risk it happening again.
"That's good to know. But it worries me, how much you seem to enjoy his company. It makes me wonder, if he was a traitor, would you even give him up?"
"As much as I may enjoy his company, I care about this cause more than anything else. Of course I'd give him up." And she meant it. But, even though he was a traitor, he wasn't exactly doing anything to hurt the campaign, so she saw no reason to say anything.
"That's exactly what I wanted to hear. Dearie, I was beginning to worry that you'd fallen in love with him."
She didn't say anything for a moment. "I haven't." At least, I didn't think so…
"But he's in love with you?"
"Yes. Believe me, he says it all the time."
"And you don't?"
"No, I don't."
"Clever child. Well done. Three weeks from now, everyone is to report in at noontime. I want you here and hour early, I have something for you to do."
"It's as good as done."
"You may leave, then."
Before she left, Elphaba picked the cup up off of the floor and placed it upright on the table. "Next time, you might want to try something else."
The old woman only cackled.
When she got back, Malky greeted her at the foot of the stairs (her room was convenient for a better way to get in an out, and only that). "Malky, Malky. What have you been up to?" Pompously, the cat displayed the dead mouse hanging from its mouth. "Well, that's pleasant." She shooed the cat away from the door and closed it as she went into Madikien's room – their room, she corrected herself, she was so used to calling it his. "I really love that cat."
Madikien had been sitting by the fire when she'd entered. He got up and helped her out of her cloak. "What'd it do now?"
"Malky proudly welcomed me inside by parading around a half-eaten dead mouse." She kissed him and sat down at the table. "I don't think I'll need to feed it dinner tonight. Speaking of dinner, tell me we're eating bread. After that wonderful glimpse at Malky's dinner, I don't think I can stomach anything other than bread."
"Good, because, as usual, that's all we've got."
"Delicious." She took the bread he offered her and began to eat.
"How was your meeting with Yackle?"
She wondered if she should tell him that she'd found out who was really responsible for the devastating miscarriage of their child. But he might insist that she stop working for the old woman, and she wasn't going to let one person get in the way of this campaign. It would be best not to mention Yackle's tea. "She tried to slip me her infamous talking potion again."
"Why do you put up with this?"
"I have no other choice, darling. If I want to help, I have to listen to her. Nothing is more important than the campaign."
"You didn't drink any of that stuff this time, did you?"
"I'm not stupid enough to take anything she gives me that she isn't drinking herself."
"She still suspects me, doesn't she? That's what she thinks you're hiding."
She nodded. "But the way I see it, you haven't really done anything against the cause, so you haven't done anything wrong."
"Why is she so sure you're hiding something?"
"Shouldn't she be? In her eyes, you could be a traitor, and in a way, dear, you are. But she's got me assigned to find that out. The problem is, I'm a novice, and I might make some mistakes; like getting pregnant, or not saying anything because I care about you too much." She met his eyes and smiled for a moment before continuing. "She knows that we're together; she doesn't trust me to tell her everything. I'd tell her if there was something wrong that was dangerous to the campaign, but you haven't done anything that really opposes what we're supposed to be doing."
"How did you two suspect me in the first place? Is it obvious?"
"Not you. But Jansied. And since you two seemed to have known each other…"
"I see. She's not convinced that I'm on the right side, then?"
"I don't think she'll ever be. Just be careful, please. Things could go very wrong if either side of this finds out what you're doing. And I don't want you in ant danger, my dear." She reached and took his hand.
"Anything you ask, I will grant it, whenever possible." He squeezed her hand lightly and let go.
"Anything?" She raised her eyebrows.
"I'm not going to try and guess what sort of ideas you're getting right now."
"Then don't. But, just so you know, they were perfectly innocent ideas."
"I didn't know you had innocent ideas, my love."
"What sort of ideas did you think I had?"
"Oh, never mind."
She got out of the chair and plopped comfortably on the bed. "It's getting late. Are you tired?"
"Not tired enough to fall asleep just yet."
Blowing out the candle on the bedside table, she got rid of the only light left in the room. Once her eyes had adjusted to the dark, she settled in on her back. "Ah, the pleasures of comfort."
"Thank you for turning out the light when I told you I didn't want to fall asleep right now."
She laughed. "Just because it gets dark, it doesn't mean you have to fall asleep. I'm sure you can find other things to occupy yourself with that don't require light." On the bed, still dressed, she kicked in the air to remove her shoes.
"Hey! Watch what you're doing!"
"Uh… sorry?"
"Oh, Elphaba, Elphaba. You, my love, are a pain in the neck."
"If that was supposed to be a compliment, it's not getting you anywhere and I'm not thanking you for it."
He got out of the chair and sat at the edge of the bed, looking at her in the dark. "Are you going to just fall asleep like that? In the clothes you've been wearing the entire day?"
"I'm too tired to remove my own clothes." She sat up and kissed him playfully. "Would you like to do it for me?"
"It would be my pleasure, believe me." He reached for her and with that, they slid between the sheets.
He woke in the middle of the night, the warmth of her body close by his side. "Elle, baby?"
"What?"
"I love you."
Yawning, she murmured, "That's nice."
"Elphaba…"
"What?"
"Why is it that I don't get anything in response when I tell you that I love you?"
There was no answer; she simply snuggled closer to him.
"Now that I think about it, you've never even said it back once."
She'd snuggled as close as she could; she was out of brilliant ideas.
"Let's talk about this for a few minutes." He sat up.
"How about let's not? I'd like to sleep for a few hours." She pulled the blanket all the way over her head.
"Too bad." Grabbing her arm, he tugged her up, out of the blanket.
"Hey!" Reluctantly, she adjusted so that she was eye-level with him. "What do you want?"
"I want you to tell me, why, when I say it so often, you're having such difficulty using the phrase 'I love you'."
"I don't feel like pouring my heart out to you right now."
Aggravated, he said, "I didn't know there was anything in it to pour."
She slapped him. "You are so insensitive!"
Bringing a hand to his face, still feeling the sting of her hand on his skin, he said, "If I'm the insensitive one, then why can't you say something so meaningful but I can?"
"Did you ever consider that you were using your words a little too freely?"
"Now I am." He wanted to stir a reaction in her.
"Good." She moved to go back to sleep.
That wasn't the reaction he'd aimed for. "No. Listen to me, love. I do love you. There is no doubt about that in my mind, why is there doubt in yours?"
"I never said that I doubted you love me."
"What about the other way around, though? Have you ever even thought about that? I would think, since we've been sleeping together – with some minor breaks for small stretches of time here and there – for over a year, you'd have to feel something."
"I do."
"Then say so."
"I just did."
"You're trying to drive me off the wall, aren't you?"
"I don't have to try." She faked self-loathing in her voice, trying to make him feel bad enough to stop pushing it.
"Stop that. I don't feel guilty and I'm not going to."
"Fine." She crawled to the edge of the bed and prepared to swing out of it.
"Oh, no you don't." He grabbed her, easily pinning her against the headboard – as gently as he could; he didn't want to hurt her.
"Madikien!" She thrashed in his grasp, helpless.
"Stop struggling, I'm not going to hurt you."
"Then let me go."
He shook his head. "I don't want to say this, but right now I don't trust you enough to know that you won't run out of the room the minute I let you go."
Sarcastically, still trying to free herself, she shot back, "Now, why would I do that?"
"Calm down."
She scratched at him desperately.
"Elphaba! Don't do that, please."
"Then let me go, please."
"I told you why I can't do that."
She was beginning to feel afraid of him. "I'm not – comfortable – like – this." By this time, she was wheezing in her efforts to get away.
"I'm sorry, then. You know I don't mean to do this."
"Then don't do it!" In fear and anger, she tried to yank herself away, using all the strength she could muster, but he had her right where she couldn't do a single thing about it. He had complete control right then and she was struggling not to let him see the panic in her eyes. "At this point, no matter what you do, I'm going to walk out of this room the minute I get the chance!"
"Not if I can help it. Talk to me."
"About what?"
"You know."
"Right. I do know. So I haven't said it, it's not important."
"If it's not important, why can't you say it?"
She turned her head, looking longingly towards the door.
"Don't bother hoping until you've said something that doesn't simply evade this conversation."
"I can't!" She fought to keep her composure.
"I don't think so, love."
"Madikien, let me go! I hate you for this!"
"Baby, don't say that."
"Then listen to me: I can't say it."
"You can't say 'I love you'." He looked at her curiously.
"I can't." She nodded.
"Because you wouldn't mean it if you said it?"
She shook her head vigorously. "No, darling. It's not that."
"You don't know if you do or not?"
"Not exactly."
"Do you or do you not love me?"
"I can't answer that. It's the same thing as saying it."
"Do you have any idea how it feels to tell you that every single day and never once hear it back?" Nonetheless, he let go of her.
Relieved, she kissed him quickly. "I'm sorry."
"I know." He'd moved to his side of the bed to fall asleep.
"No, don't. Come here." She whispered, hoping she could make up for the words she couldn't say by showing him she cared in another way. When he climbed over her, she immediately wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him, arching her back to allow him access to whatever he wanted. His hands and mouth were everywhere, roaming her body. Telling him that she loved him in the only way she could, she stilled his wandering and murmured breathlessly in his ear, "Make love to me."
This was one command that he always obeyed.