Buffy took in a deep breath, trying to clear her mind as she sat Indian-style on the large mat, her eyes closed by Angel's command.

After an hour or two of looking through a good part of Giles' "mountain", they had decided to head back to Angel's place, hoping to get a break from the intense reading as well as in search of any new material Angel may have overlooked. Upon their arrival, Buffy had been pleasantly surprised by the discovery of Angel's collection of books. He had several boxes full of different volumes, most of which she was sure Giles would have considered 'long lost' if he had seen them. Buffy (despite her upbringings) had never been a real book nerd, but as she gazed at Angel's collection she couldn't help but feel almost giddy. One thing she had always longed to know about was the unknown, only unlike most; she usually found that in history. As she spent more and more time with Angel she couldn't help the questions that she longed to ask, she had refrained from doing so up until now, not wanting to annoy or bother him with things that really didn't matter, but as she'd looked over the old covers, it had taken a lot for her to hold back her questions; not to beg him to re-tell the stories that no doubt lay behind them.

The two of them took a good half hour to look over the books; a lot of them were in such strange languages that Angel alone had to look at it. Mostly, Buffy just sat looking over the covers for interesting designs, or even a single word of English. She had found one book, it's cover old with a dark pattern across it, she couldn't read what was inside (it was again, written in some foreign language), but as she stared at the pages, she felt a strange pull towards it, as though it was trying to tell her something within the pages that she could not understand. She had mentioned the book briefly to Angel; he had scanned a few pages before shaking his head, and muttered a title briefly, telling her that it probably wouldn't have anything on the warriors. Overall, they had managed to find a couple more books, and after some minor debating had agreed to do some training.

Which is what led them here, sitting on the floor of the gym in silence, and Buffy (unsuccessfully) trying to clear her head. Angel sat across from her, studying her features closely, while giving her soft commands ever now and then; mostly urging her to close off her mind. He sighed as he saw her features twitch, he knew that she was trying, but unfortunately the first step of clearing one's mind was proving more difficult for her than he'd expected.

"Buffy, you have to relax, try not to think of anything, just let it all flow away." He urged softly.

A few moments passed before Buffy let out a sigh of frustration and opened her eyes.

"Angel I can't do this! I can't just get rid of my thoughts, they're my thoughts! They're my thinking- things! I try not to think but all I can think about is thinking of not thinking!" she rambled, all but growling in annoyance.

"I know it's not easy but you can do this Buffy, you're just trying to hard. Relax, don't worry about doing things right or wrong, there is no wrong way to do this."

Buffy sighed, grudgingly admitting that he was right. She didn't want to screw this up… mostly because of her "instructor", but this, whatever it was, is important to her (even though she feared the outcome). Closing her eyes once again, she tried to allow her worries to flow away, subconsciously replaying Angel's soft words 'there is no wrong way to do this'. After several moments, she felt strange, peaceful, as thought she was lost in nothing.

Angel smiled as the dormant expression crossed her face; softly he spoke the next step, trying not to disturb her.

"Now, I want you to focus on the other side of you. Focus on the darkness you felt that night. Can you feel it?"

Buffy reluctantly nodded.

"Reach for it, call it forward, let it come to you." He said softly

Buffy's hands began to shake on her lap, distress crossed her features.

"I'm scared." She whispered, trying not to allow her emotions to come through.

Carefully, Angel placed his hands in her own, squeezing them reassuringly.

"It's alright Buffy, I'm right here, I won't let it hurt you I promise. Okay?"

Buffy nodded, taking a deep relaxing breath.

"Now, I want you to try again, just call it, it'll come to you on its own."

Buffy sighed, filled with confidence, she dove inside herself once more, finding the now familiar darkness embedded in her soul. It crept forward almost hesitantly, as though daring to dart anywhere at any moment. It was like a separate being, she could hear its thoughts whispering in the back on her mind, one melding with another too quickly for her to hear. The voice started to get louder; slowly creeping closer and closer to the surface. Buffy tightened her grip on Angel's hands ever so slightly, the reassurance that he was there the only thing keeping her going.

She silently called in forward again, willing it to follow her command. It crept closer, but still so far away.

"It's alright Buffy," she heard Angel say, his voice soft and reassuring, "it's just your own doubts that are stopping it, try and clear your mind."

Buffy tried to relax, but as her mind became more and more clear fear once again began to set in. She could feel it moving, threatening to break free at any moment. It was so big, so unknown, she might not be able to control it-

Suddenly her vision plunged into darkness; before Angel knew what had happened she lashed out with a scream, sending him flying into the far wall. He could see her eyes take on a dark glow for a moment as she looked around much like a crazed animal would. Her eyes locked with his, and he could almost hear the "click" of realization within her. She took in a deep breath and shook her head slightly, looking back at him he watched as they quickly returned to their previous form. But no sooner had the 'normal-Buffy' reappeared when she faltered, landing in a heap on the ground.

Despite his aching bruises, Angel quickly rushed to her side, resting her head on his lap he pulled her rebellious hair from her face, to see her eyes flickering open with a small groan, she stared at him in confusion for a moment before the realization hit and she offered a weary smile.

"Oops?" she said softly, her voice cracking from fatigue.

Angel gave her a reassuring smile,

"Don't worry about it. I wasn't expecting you to master it the first try. But you got it to back off faster this time, that's good."

Buffy shakily sat up, trying to clear her head.

"Ya I guess. I was fine but then it just took over so fast, it was like I could see everything but again someone else was driving. I saw you, and I was so worried that I'd hurt you, and it was like…. I screamed at it to back off and it did. I- I'm sorry, about…" she mumbled, referring to his already healing bruises.

"I'm fine. Trust me when I say I've had worse. You did great." Standing up, he offered her his hand. "Come on, let's get you some tea or something."

Buffy couldn't help the groan that escaped her lips.

"Okay that's it, first thing tomorrow I'm getting you hot chocolate."

Tara poured over her current book; the pages were browned from age and were written in a newer form of Latin. Thankfully she had been able to take a basic course a few years ago, and although she wouldn't be able to translate the pages as Giles could, she could get the main idea of the text. Although it wasn't the biggest of help, it felt good to be doing something like this, being a part of something for once.

She for the most part had a great life, she loved the kids she taught as though they were her own and she was grateful for Giles letting her stay with him. He had raised her like a daughter, and she couldn't help but feel like he was her father more than any blood-relative. But as she had grown up, she couldn't help but envy Buffy at times, at one point she and Giles were training everyday, and although Giles had included her as best he could (especially in any kind of academic training), she had at times felt a bit like an outcast, a third wheel you could say. But at the same time, she had witnessed first hand what being a warrior had done to her sister, and that was something that she would never wish upon herself.

She couldn't help the smile that crossed her face at the thought of Buffy; she had changed dramatically over the last while, ever since Angel came along. It was like night and day, and she was overjoyed at the sunny disposition that had returned to her sister's face after all these years.

In her early days, Buffy had always been energetic and full of life. She as a child was always comfortable in large crowds and so friendly she treated most people like family. But more so than anything, Buffy had always been curious about anything and everything in life, she would bound up the stairs to Tara's room almost every morning, jumping excitedly at the small fact she had been told. She would always be asking questions to anyone who would listen, fantasized by every new thing she learned. She'd worn her heart on her sleeve, and even though she never knew her real parents, she had no doubt been the happiest and most loving girl she had ever known.

But then, just after she'd turned the small age of seven, her training had begun. At first it didn't seem like a huge deal, Giles started to tell her about different demons and such, she had to go to classes once or twice a week, but it quickly became more and more often and soon it took up almost every waking moment of her time. She was drilled with regulations and protocols before she'd lost half her baby teeth, by the time she was ten she was pressured not only with the physical tests she was put up to once a month, but also with the almost daily quizzes she had to endure. Buffy's personality, despite her struggles otherwise, was quickly being suppressed; her natural curiosity shunned by the berating of her teachers if she spoke up, her friendliness crushed by the strict environment she was in most of the time.

By the time she was fourteen, she was facing a major identity crisis. Torn between her natural desires and personality, and the strict warrior she was becoming, Buffy couldn't find any sort of balance there; and as a result had ended up having a major breakdown that year. A shiver ran up Tara's spine as she remembered the horrified look on Giles' face as they came home from running an errand that night. Buffy was standing in the kitchen with a strange looking and bloody knife in her hand, staring at the deep gashes on her forearms entranced. Dazed, she kept whispering something about not feeling and asking why it didn't hurt, but when Giles had tried to approach her she'd lashed out, yelling in so many unfamiliar languages at once that not even Giles could decipher their meaning. She had thrown him to the ground and ran all through the city, in the end, it had taken five men with tazers to bring her down. She was hospitalized and put in therapy for the next year and a half.

During that time, Tara had seen little to none of her sister. It was months before she could even see her, and even then it was just a quick glance through a glass window. She could count on one hand how many times she'd spoken to her before she arrived home. And when she finally did, she was, to say the least, a completely different person. She went straight back to her studies, not bothering to catch up on the section she'd missed, insisting that she'd lived in the past enough, and that it was time to move forward.

She no longer tried to make friends, or asked questions, it seemed that she had found a simple solution to her identity crisis: give in. At home there was a small change in her behaviour, when she was around Tara or Giles she'd be friendly and talkative, the last trace of her former self remaining, but even then she was distant, and her smiles seemed forced; as they never quite reached her eyes. But any other time, she was more or less a robot, focusing solely on becoming a warrior. What had been her newly formed friendship with Faith and Gunn (the only two friends she'd ever really had) turned strictly to training. She'd closed off her heart to everyone around her, the spark that she once had was long buried behind the inner walls she'd built, that seemed even greater than those that surrounded the colony. She was almost obsessed with "patrolling", coming home almost nightly with bruises and cuts that Giles had never known of. She was convinced that all demons were against humanity, taught to kill any that crossed her path and that given the opportunity, they would do the same to you in a second.

One night Tara had been reading when Buffy had come home from patrol, she had a frightened expression on her face that she would never forget; her stake was shaking in her hand. She'd been wandering the graveyard when three vampires attacked her; the first ones she had ever seen without a thick layer of glass between them. Her voice had shook as she recalled how they had pinned her down, and how terrified she was as their features twisted into the horrifying ones of a demon. She had managed to stake one, her very first vampire, before running, not looking back until she was safely inside. That night, as she held her crying sister; promising never to speak of it again, Tara was sure that the last bit of what was her sister had been lost.

But then, not too long ago, all that had changed. As far as she knew Buffy had been out on a routine patrol, and the impact that it had been left on her was plain for all to see. Her old, bright personality seemed to have quickly surfaced, and although she had not seen much of it first hand, she could see that spark of curiosity every now and again, old habits kept her sister from asking, but Tara had no doubt that millions of questions were burning just below the surface. Some of which, she had obviously begun to ask, as Tara had noted her small inquires with Angel earlier.

Angel- now there was something that Tara doubted she would ever fully get over the shock of. After years of being cold and detached, he, a vampire no less, had managed to seemingly restore a part of Buffy that she had long deemed lost forever, as well as awaken new emotions that she knew were unfamiliar to her sister. At first hearing of him Tara admittedly had her doubts, she had been taken aback and worried by her sister's sudden change of persona, and she could tell that Buffy had already let him into a part of her she had long since closed off to the world. She had been more than a little concerned about if he was even aware of how much he could hurt her. But after seeing them together, her doubts were quickly put to rest. Angel looked at Buffy like she was the only person in the world, although he obviously knew of her strength, he (unknowingly) would take a somewhat possessive stance when beside her; ready to protect her at any given moment. Even as Buffy asked her small questions he would answer them as best as he could without hesitation, giving her reassurances and strength when she needed it. His name seemed to fit him well, because given what Tara had seen of her sister since the two had met, he truly was a gift from god; a guardian angel sent to reignite the small spark within her that had been long since smothered with sorrow.

What had possessed her sister to aid the handsome demon in the first place was lost on her, knowing Buffy's fear and bitterness towards vampires especially. But it would seem that her former misconceptions were forgotten, if not gone altogether, and that somehow, for some reason, she had accepted who and what he was.

Smiling, Tara looked towards Giles to see him still fumbling with his stack of texts. Shaking her head, she returned to her long-forgotten book with a smile, silently thanking whatever power had sent the tall vampire that had brought her sister back to her. Watching her go through so much pain over the years had been torture, but maybe- seeing the returned joy in her eyes and the bright smiles, it wasn't all for nothing after all.

Buffy was in heaven. After their "successful" training session, she and Angel had made small talk for a little over an hour before he had suddenly announced he was going to make her a meal of some sort. Buffy had managed small tastes of his cooking here and there, and well, it took all she had not to jump up in down in anticipation. So she sat at the table, watching as he somehow made a meal out of what seemed to be nothing. He'd managed to buy a few foods for her earlier that week, but nothing that she ever would have thought would taste good in a meal. But if the aromas going through the air were any indication- she was truly watching the construction of a masterpiece.

She couldn't help but smile. So much seemed to have changed over the time she'd known him, and if possible, she seemed to be loving him more and more each day. Yes, she had finally been able to admit it to herself, it scared her to put it mildly, but she had finally accepted that there were defiantly some more-than-like feelings involved. Although her thoughts were clouded with so many fears right now, being around him seemed to calm her to no end; it was like living some freaky-messed up but in the best way dream. There was still so much she wanted to ask him, why had he come to the colony? Where was he born? What was the world like before the war? But more than anything, the one question that was burning at her the most was how did he get his soul? Vampires had been the object of her fears and just plain anger for so long, but once she met Angel all her conceptions about 'his kind' had been thrown out the window. She may not know a whole lot about demons, but she knew enough to know that a vampire with a soul is not an everyday thing. It was something that she'd been aching to ask for a while now, but had decided to try and leave it alone, unsure of how he would react to the question.

She was pulled from her thoughts when he set down a plate and small bowl before her, she looked at it amazed and more than a little puzzled. On the larger plate was what looked to be some kind of pasta dish, and in the small bowl was a white, fluffy desert of some kind; she looked up at Angel in shock, his face held a sheepish expression.

"I was in Italy a few centuries ago, before the war, I picked up a few things here and there."

Buffy just smiled and reached for a fork, twirling some pasta onto it before plopping it into her mouth. She couldn't help the low moan that escaped her.

"Oh my god, Angel this is fantastic! How did you make this? I can barely make a peanut butter sandwich!"

Angel chuckled and sat down with a shrug.

"I just tried to include whatever I had. The desert is an old twist on a meringue I came up with on the spot, I don't know how good it'll be but I know how much you like sweets."

Buffy smiled, resisting the urge to tear up at his thoughtfulness.

"That's so sweet, and I'm sure it will be just as delectable as everything else you've made for me."

Angel just smiled and watched her eat, glad that he could make her smile; and, although he'd never admit it, to see her eating a well balanced meal. Call him old-fashioned but he had already seemed to develop worries over her eating and sleeping habits, both signs that he knew led nowhere good. Looking to her smiling face he shook his head, he had it bad.

They both perked up at the sudden knock at his door. Shrugging, he got up and made his way across the apartment curiously, reaching for the door handle. He inwardly groaned as the short Irishman came into view, although Angel had begrudgingly admitted to himself that he'd taken a liking to the friendly (half) demon, his visits so far had always worn on his nerves more than he'd care to divulge.

"Oh, Angel, good to see you again. Sorry to drop by unannounced, but I've gotta talk to ya 'bout something." Doyle said, his tone a tad more serious than usual.

"Doyle, I'm sorry but this really isn't the greatest time-"

"I know man, and I'm sorry, but it'll only take a minute, cross my heart."

Reluctantly, Angel stepped into the hall and closed the door behind him, not wanting Buffy to hear.

"It's about the bonny lass you've got in there. DON'T go all growly on me now, she's fine, but as you've probably realised there's something happening here, and I hate to tell you but it's a fair bit larger than a simple 'inner darkness in everybody' thing."

Angel remained silent, urging him to continue.

"That guy you met a while back, Lindsay? He'll be at that bar for the next three nights, sometime within that time you've gotta get out and talk to him. And trust me when I say not to bring the girl along with ya, this is heavy stuff you're getting into, and I don't want to be scaring the poor lass to death."

"Why? What's going on?" Angel asked; his worry peaked considerably.

"Whoa, man chill, alright? It's okay, nothing's gonna happen to hurt her anytime soon, but the guy knows things and it's important that you find out what it is."

Angel sighed, running a hand through his hair.

"Alright, I'll see what I can do. Thanks Doyle."

"No problem, I'll be seeing ya soon." He said, turning to leave.

Angel nodded and headed back inside; he took a few deep breaths before heading back to the kitchen, where Buffy stood against the counter with an empty plate on the counter and was finishing off the desert in her hand.

"This is REALLY good by the way." She said, her voice laced with something that sounded suspiciously like a giggle. "Who was that at the door?"

"Oh, just some guy from upstairs, looking to borrow something."

Buffy nodded and took another spoonful of the fluffy sweet, unknowingly smudging a bit just beside her mouth.

"I hate it when people do that, coming to your door to 'borrow' this and that, I mean it's not like you ever get it back or anything, so really they should be saying that they want to 'take' something, but I guess then people probably wouldn't give them whatever it is they were looking for in the first place and- what? Is there something on my face?" she asked, noticing his stare as well as the trademark smirk.

"There's a little, thing, just…" he said, stepping a bit closer

"Where? Here?" Buffy asked cluelessly, missing the small spot by a mile.

"No, more…." Angel said, trying to motion where it is.

"Here?" she asked again, once again missing the spot.

Smiling, Angel reached down and wiped the small fluff from her face with a finger, holding it out to show her.

"Just there… it's nothing, see?"

Buffy's eyes quickly turned from playful to lustful, as she slowly bent forward and licked the said sweetness from his digit. Angel stared at the sight surprised and awash in a wave of emotions, as she looked up at him ever so innocently. Unable to resist the urge, he bent down and covered her lips with his own, pulling her close. Her hand wrapped around his neck, and her head tilted back a bit, trying to get as close to him as she could. Their arms quickly tangled up in each other as their passion grew more and more heated. Suddenly realizing what was happening, Angel quickly pulled away, taking several steps back from her, his eyes closed in defeat.

"I-I'm sorry, I can't do this Buffy." He stammered, unable to look at her confused and shocked face.

"What?" she asked in disbelief, wondering if she heard him right.

"This, us, I can't do it. I just can't."

"Why not?" Buffy asked, too caught up in her emotions to stop herself or even care.

"It's wrong Buffy! I might look human, I might even act human, but I'm a vampire."

"And you don't think I know this?"

"You don't understand! This isn't some 'happily ever after' story, this is real life. Us being together is too dangerous, too unfair to you, it goes against everything you've been taught your whole life."

"Again, you don't think I know this? That I don't get how 'weird' us being together would seem? You don't think I can tell that the danger's there!"

"Obviously not, or else you wouldn't be here, with me now!"

"God I can't believe this!" she yelled, taking a deep breath. "Angel it's not that I don't know, I do, this is dangerous and unordinary and all that I understand that. But I don't care, that doesn't matter to me."

"Doesn't it? How can it not? I'm a demon Buffy, a bloodsucking creature of the night, and when we're together like that…. I can't control myself." He almost pleaded, willing for her to understand.

"Don't you think it's a little late for this? For warnings like this? I know what I signed up for Angel, I've known since the first moment I saw you what I was in for. If you don't want me then just say it, but if not there's no way I'm letting you go because of what could happen."

Angel sighed, struggling to find something to have her see reason.

"Buffy, I want you, you know that. I just… can't let you get hurt."

"And I won't. You can't hurt me Angel, it's like… against your programming or something." She sighed. Coming forward, she placed his hand on her heart. "You're the only person who I've ever been this close to. You made your way… inside and now- you're a part of me Angel, I care about you like- like nothing I've ever felt before. You have something that no one else in the world ever had… you have my heart. All of it, you're inside there all the time. And I can't let you go." She sniffed, giving him a small chuckle. "Not without a fight, and I can totally kick your butt mister. You're stuck with me now, you broke down all these walls I had up, and now there's just me. You could hurt me more than anyone in this world, because you're closer than anyone else has ever been… but I know you won't, that you'll keep me safe, you're… you're my Angel."

Angel was taken aback by her proclamation, catching the loaded words that tugged at his heart. Never had he felt so lucky in his entire existence, what he'll ever do to deserve her he doesn't know, but at this moment he couldn't let go.

Tears streamed down Buffy's face, she knew that her words had got through to him, she just hoped he'd caught the meaning behind them, the unspoken words that she wasn't yet brave enough to say.

Sighing, Angel pulled her against his chest, resting his head against her crown in defeat. She smiled and held him just as tight, knowing that for now, she had managed to lay his doubts to rest.

Angel looked down at her, silently having a battle over what to say.

'Tell her you love her. It's the perfect time just do it!'

He opened his mouth, but no matter how hard he tried he couldn't will the words that he so desperately wanted to say. So, instead, the two stood in a comfortable silence, just happy to be by each other.

It wasn't for a while that they finally separated, sharing a sweet kiss, they pulled apart with a smile.

"We should probably get those books to Giles." Buffy said, nodding towards the small stack in the living room.

"Oh, here, you go grab your jacket, I'll get the books."

Buffy gave him a nod and moved to his room where her forgotten jacket laid. As she walked in she could hear the shrill ringing of her cell phone, rushing across the room she quickly dug it out of her jacket pocket and pressed the talk button.

"Hello?" she said, picking up her jacket, Angel entered the room with the books in one hand, silently questioning her sudden stop. "…. What? No, it's just-…. Are you sure?…. but why I mean….. okay…. Tomorrow?… no that's fine…. Okay… thank you….bye."

Turning off her phone, she stared at it blankly, her face expressionless. Worried, Angel carefully took a step forward and put a hand on her face, tilting her eyes to meet his own.

"Buffy? Are you alright?" he asked, searching her face for any sign to who the caller may have been.

Nodding slowly, Buffy took a deep breath, her eyes filled with shock.

"That was the council…. They- they want me to start patrolling, to meet them tomorrow. I- I'm a warrior now- I'm on active duty."

End of Chapter Eighteen.