Hey, guess what? The disclaimer's the same! Oh, but Falstaff Rizzly? He's mine.(Isn't he lovely?) Let's see, you should turn on: "Listen To Your Heart" - D.H.T. Oh, and please please please review!

Inara had long since cleaned up the small mess she'd made making the chocolate and had returned to her shuttle. River had been silent and Inara was hoping that meant she had stayed asleep. It was a surprise to her when the com unit crackled and Wash's voice said, "Nara? We've found trouble, and they's comin' home with us."

"The PRFO's coming back to Serenity?" Inara asked, a bit taken aback.

"Yeah," Wash answered as though he had merely said "Your dress is pretty." "They've got some hankerin' need t' talk t' River, and a hankerin' need t' get somethin' from our cargo. Is River awake?"

"I don't think so," Inara began, and then she heard a loud, horrible crash from upstairs.

"What was that?" Wash asked.

"I don't know," Inara answered, "but I think there's trouble here."

"Hey!" Wash yelled, obviously not to Inara. "She's awake!"

"Oh, ren ci de Fo zu," Inara murmured. "Wash, tell Mal to hurry back!"

"Will do," Wash answered. Inara heard Mal's voice: "Let's head out!" and then the com unit crackled into silence.

Inara carefully opened the door to her shuttle and looked out. Seeing no one in the corridor, she hurried back to the bunk where she'd left River asleep. The door was still locked from the outside, but horrible clanging noises were coming from within. Inara could hear the girl muttering, but she couldn't make out the words. "River?"

There was a long pause, then the muttering resumed. "River?" Inara tried again.

Clang! "Shen me?"

"River, what are you doing?"

Clang! "Haveta find it!" The voice had become a yell, loud and infuriated. "It's not in here!"

"What are you looking for?" Inara asked, afraid to open the door.

Crash! Clang, clang! "Where did you put it, Simon? Should have known you'd put it in the worst possible place!" Clang! "He's going to die very, very slowly at someone else's hands!" Clang! Then the girl recited a rhyme Inara had only heard once before, and which had not lost any of its eerie creepiness over the years. "Cups and plates and forks and spoons, someone's dying and dying soon!" Clang!

Inara closed her eyes and uttered a swift prayer, although she wasn't quite sure who or what she was praying for or to. Then, through the door, River's voice took on a singsong quality. "Cobbler, cobbler, mend my shoe, get it done by half past two, Stitch it up and stitch it down, and I'll give you half a crown."

"River?" Inara moved cautiously towards the door and put her hand on the lock. She closed her eyes and murmured one more prayer. "River, I'm coming in."

Clang! Crash! "Monday's child is fair of face, Tuesday's child is full of grace, Wednesday's child is full of woe, Thursday's child has far to go, Friday's child is loving and giving, Saturday's child works hard for a living, But the child born on the Sabbath day is bonny and blithe and good and gay…" Clang!

Inara had just slid the lock back and was preparing to open the door when she heard an engine roar outside Serenity. The com link in her hand hissed and Mal's voice said, "Nara! Open us up!"

She slid the lock back into the locked position and ran for the hold to open the doors for their unexpected visitors. There they were, all of them safe and… riding ponies? Yes, they were all riding ponies; space ponies, Inara remembered. And they were followed by some of the ugliest men Inara had ever seen, riding motor-propelled transports. "Howdy, fair lady!" the ugliest of them said.

"This here's Falstaff Rizzly," Mal informed her, swinging down from his pony. "Nancy, you stay here n take care o' our spy, ya hear?"

"Yes, honorable sir," the pony answered, and Inara stifled a giggle.

"What?" Mal demanded.

"It's just… the perfect woman for you, Mal! She takes orders and treats you respectably." Inara giggled, just a little. The pony gave Inara a knowing smile.

"Pleased t' meet ya," the ugly man said. He took Inara's slender white hand in his own very large, scarred, meaty hand and brought it to his very ugly scabby lips in a parody of a kiss. Inara utilized all of her Companion training not to vomit on his large and very ugly boots.

"River's awake," Inara murmured to Simon when Rizzly had finished molesting her hand. "She's in a mite of a fit."

Simon closed his eyes and Inara said a silent prayer along with him. When he opened his eyes, he said, quietly, to her, "These tian sha de e mo are going to hurt her, I just know it. And she's been hurt far too much today."

"Doctor, would I let that happen?" Inara said with one of her beautiful smiles.

"Well… no?"

"That's right." Smoothing her dress and preening a little, she called out to the PRFO men, "Gentlemen! Right this way!"

"Thank ya kindly," Rizzly said. He and his men followed Inara out of the hold, Jayne (armed with Vera and his newest prize, Minerva) wandering after them. Simon followed, slower, in an inquisitive two-step.

"Wash, put us on lock-down," Mal ordered the pilot once the PRFO men were out of sight. "Zoë…"

"I know. Guard the exits and give your sorry backside backup. Got it," Zoë replied with a crisp nod and only a tiny smile.

"Kaylee…"

"Yes, Cap'n?"

"Wash yer face," Mal said with a smile he reserved just for her.

"Aye, aye, Cap'n!" she said with an even bigger grin, and ran off towards her own bunk.

Mal waited until she was out of sight, then holstered his own gun. "Nancy, take care of our spy," he ordered. "The rest o' you, do as Nancy says!"

"Aye, honorable sir!" the ponies bleated as one.

He ran out after Inara and the trailing men and caught up to them in the hallway. "Open th' door!" one of the PRFO men was saying.

"I don't know…" Inara said slowly.

Clang! Crash! Clang! Bang! "One, two, three, four, five. Once I caught a fish alive…"

"I know," Rizzly said loudly, and slid the lock back.

River was standing there in front of them with a grin on her face. It was her "crazy grin," as Jayne would attest. "Six, seven, eight, nine, ten. Then I let it go again."

"This is her?" Rizzly asked. He received several nods in confirmation.

"Why did you let it go? Because it bit my finger so! Which finger did it bite? This little finger on the right!"

Upon yelling the last word, she held up her hand. Those gathered in the hallway could plainly see that her smallest finger on her right hand was a bloody mess. As best Simon could see, she had ripped the fingernail off. "Wo de tian a!" Simon murmured, trying not to alarm the PRFO men. "Mei-mei…"

"This is her?" Rizzly asked again, as though he hadn't believed them the first time.

"You were lookin' fer River Tam, Rizzly?" Mal asked. "This is her."

River gave what Jayne would describe as her "crazy grin" to the men gathered and began to recite another nonsense rhyme. "Ride a fine horse to Banbury Cross, to see a fine lady upon a white horse. With rings on her fingers and bells on her toes, she shall have music wherever she goes."

Rizzly was staring at the girl as though entranced. One of his men (who was scarred and fairly bad-looking but nowhere near as ugly as Rizzly himself) said, "Sir? Whaddya want us t' do?"

River took a step back, still staying in eye contact with Rizzly, and swung a large kettle, which she held in her right hand, at the wall. Clang! Inara jumped, even though she had been hearing the noise for the last fifteen minutes. "Old woman, old woman, old woman, quoth I, where are you going up so high? To brush the cobwebs off the sky! May I go with you? Yes, by-and-by."

Clang!

"Sir?" Rizzly's man asked again. "What wouldja like us t' do?"

Rizzly opened his mouth, but nothing came out. He closed it and opened it again. This time words came out. "This… isn't… her."

Jayne stepped between them. "Ruttin' hell it ain't!" he declared. "Yer lookin' fer a girl, tetched in the head? A mite crazy? This is her, most def'nitely."

River smiled up at him. "As I went to Bonner, I met a pig without a wig, upon my word and honor."

Simon had been holding his breath since the door had opened and now he found a reason – as River finished reciting the rhyme, she took the kettle and swung it with great delight. It connected with a solid thunk with Jayne's head and the man stumbled about groggily until he slumped to the floor, the better to sit and hold his head. River giggled.

"River!" Simon said, loud enough for her to hear him, if of course she was in a hearing mood.

"Doc, maybe you'd best be puttin' her sleepy-bye," Mal said from behind the doctor.

"Daffy Down Dilly has come to town, in a yellow petticoat and a green gown!" River said excitedly to Simon, as though she was telling him a very thrilling story.

"Doc?" Mal asked tentatively. "Whaddya want t' do?"

Rizzly was still standing in shock, leaning against the door frame. His men were looking at each other with obvious concern; it was fairly clear that their invincible leader had never been this surprised before. He had never been wrong before, apparently.

River gave another smile to Simon, and he was sure this time she was speaking directly to him. "A diller, a dollar, a ten o'clock scholar! What makes you come so soon? You used t' come at ten o'clock, and now you come at noon!" She clanged the kettle on the wall again, and Simon was glad it wasn't Jayne's head.

"River," he said. "Come here."

Obediently she stepped forward, daintily over Jayne's legs. "Shen me?"

"Give me that," he said, and she unquestioningly handed him the kettle.

"Wait, wait!" one of Rizzly's men yelled. "Don't you take her anywhere! Cap'n, she's still our girl!"

"Where would I take her?" Simon asked innocently. "Why would I want to remove her from your honorable presence?" He heard Mal removing his gun from his holster; the captain's movements blocked by the doctor and his sister. He saw River's eyes looking up at him with absolute trust (and maybe just a mite of craziness), and then he said, loud enough to be heard, "Eta koram na smech."

River slumped to the floor, as Simon knew she would. The doctor himself ducked, and found Inara doing the same thing. Mal instantly had his gun drawn and, before anyone could blink, had taken out three of Rizzly's six men. Zoë appeared almost instantaneously from behind and took out two of the others. "Shoulda known better than t' come unarmed," Mal said to the remaining man.

"Wait a second," the man said. "What're ya doin'?"

"Takin' yer sorry ass prisoner," Mal replied. "Zoë, let's make our new friends a mite more comfortable, whaddya say?" Mal said as they led the two remaining PRFO officers off, Rizzly still murmuring, "That isn't her!"

Inara and Simon stood from their crouch. Inara was still, surprisingly enough, smiling and looked unruffled by the recent scuffle. "You did well, Simon."

"Thanks," he said, a little embarrassed. "I guess I should…"

"River," she said with a knowing nod. "And Jayne."

"Oh, Jayne'll be just fine," Simon said, smiling a little broader. "It's just his head, and that isn't any particular loss."

"Isn't that the truth," Inara said, returning his smile.

At that moment Kaylee ran in. "Where's the Cap'n and Zoë? Wash wants t' know if he can take us off lock-down."

"Uh, they took the prisoners… somewhere," Simon answered, nodding.

"Prisoners?" Kaylee demanded, her face aghast.

Inara nodded. "Falstaff Rizzly and one of his men."

"We took the PRFO hostage?" Kaylee asked, her eyes going wide.

"They were… unarmed?" Simon offered tentatively.

"Shoulda know the Cap'n would make a yu ben de mistake!" Kaylee said, completely ignoring Simon's pathetic answer. "He's gonna get us killed!"

"What are you talking about?" Inara asked. "They were unarmed."

Kaylee was shaking her head in disbelief. "Ain't gonna matter much whether they were armed or not. The PRFO's only got one o' the best messagin' systems in the verse!" she said. "Them buttons on their uniforms, the right shiny ones?" Upon Simon's nod, she continued, "Not just fer looks. Rizzly could have a zillion men on th' way here already, and them'll be armed, you bet yer shiny coins on it."

"They communicate with… buttons?"

"Don't look so shocked," Kaylee said crisply in response to Simon's query. "They wasn't the ones came up with it – some folks on Ariel thought it up and the PRFO stole it when they broke off." She turned away from Simon and began hurrying away from the bunk, then turned and looked at Simon and Inara. "Why's… Jayne on the floor?"

"Kettle," Simon said, as Inara answered, "Long story."

"Kay. Just wanted t' make sure he'll still be round fer the gun fight that's gonna happen here." With that inspiring speech, she disappeared into the upper corridor, seeking the Captain and Zoë.

"Gun fight?" Simon said, panic rising in his brain.

"Think small thoughts," Inara suggested. "River. Then Jayne. Then gun fight."

"Right. Small thoughts."

"And keep breathing," the Companion ordered as she hurried away.

"Right. Breathing." Simon turned around to see a decidedly empty catwalk. His panic shot up to an unhealthy level. "River?"

Translations: ren ci de Fo zu - merciful Buddha

shen me: What? (or) Sorry?

tian sha de e mo - goddamn monsters

wo de tian a - dear god in heaven

yu ben de - stupid

Hey, review!