Hector the Exterminator
Saraman
"Aughh!" shrieked Priam. "It's a mouse! Oh, save me, son!"
"Yes, dad," answered Hector. "But I will need my special mouse remover." He pulled out a giant turbo vacuum cleaner with an extra suction hose.
"Eeek!" squeaked the mouse. Hector mercilessly sucked it up.
"Oh, thank you, son," breathed Priam, crawling off the roof. "You're hired!"
In case you wanted to know, Hector had decided to found a new business in Troy, dubbing it "Prince Hector's Extermination Co." He specialized in eliminating rodents and other small pests.
His slogan was, "We make pests say uncle." He thought he would make big bucks with all the sissies that were petrified of bugs and mice that lurked around Troy. He forced his brother and father to help him practice. His next rehearsal was with Paris.
"Oh, help me, help me!" shrieked Paris, shinnying up a nearby tree like a squirrel. "It's a toad! Oh! Please, someone kill it!"
"Roger, Paris," affirmed Hector, squishing the toad with his sandal. "Subject destroyed."
"Well, that was easy," commented Paris. "I think I'll hire you." After this successful attempt, Hector decided to release his services to the public.
His cell phone rang. "Please!" an old woman pleaded on the other end. "You've got to help me! It's coming! It's gonna eat me!" The line fizzled out. Hector traced the call, ran to said old woman's house, and threw open the door. He noted a grandmotherly woman passed out on the floor. He also noticed a tiny insignificant spider crawling up her leg.
"Oh, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!" laughed Hector, throwing up his arms. "Lady, you've gotta be kidding me! Oh, ha, ha, ha! He strolled over and smashed the spider with his jumbo fly swatter.
"I'll leave the bill," apprised Hector, scribbling on a piece of paper and sticking it to the old woman's forehead.
After this, his cell phone rang again. He put it to his ear and heard an ear-piercing shriek. "Calm down, calm down!" urged Hector. "What is it?"
"It's a big one!" a girly voice cried. "It's in my john! AHHHHHHHHH!" Hector got the man's address, hopped in his extermination chariot and sped to the scene of the crime. He smashed the door in, tore up carpet racing across the living room, and ripped the bathroom door off its hinges. A feminine man (complete with pigtails and eye shadow) was paralyzed with fear, a hand over his mouth, the other pointing at the john.
"Get back!" ordered Hector. "I'll take care of this!" He seized a toilet plunger and neared the toilet. "Hey!" yelled Hector. "This is no pest! It's toilet scum!" He flushed it. "Disgusting!" he commented. "I'm charging double for the gross factor!" He scribbled a bill and stuck it to the man's hair.
Hector's cell phone rang yet again. "Gotta run!" he called. He raced out the door to the next person's house.
"Eeeeeek!" shrieked a voice that sounded strangely familiar. "It's eating my potatoes! Now it's starting on the beans! Hurry!"
"Roger!" affirmed Hector. "Be right over." He thundered down the street to the caller's address, and found himself in front of the palace door.
"Something funny's going on around here," stated Hector, leaping deftly from his chariot. He scrambled into the dining room of his own house.
"It's Paris!" shrieked Hecuba. "He's eating everything! Help me, Hector!"
Paris had eaten everything on Priam's plate, Hecuba's plate, his own plate, and was nearing Hector's.
Hecuba was indignant. "Hurry, Hector!" she entreated. "He's heading for Andromache's!"
"You wanna play with fire, scarecrow?" asked Hector. He pulled out a flamethrower.
"Auggh!" cried Paris. "Foiled again!" He backed off.
"You girly, gobbling, gluttonous, glutinous, grievous, grubby, grinch!" yelled Hector. "I'm gonna make you pay the pest removal bill instead of mom!"
"How much?" asked Paris.
"Ten thousand gold coins should cover it," responded Hector, "though it's quite a steal for the tools I had to use, the risk to my life, the loss of my dinner. You understand."
"Uh huh," sighed Paris. "I guess I'll have to mow extra lawns this summer."
Finis