Another Way to End the War

Saraman, James Norrington, Christopher, and Lee

Author's Notes: Oh! Another beautiful story about our favourite Trojans and Greeks.

In Troy, there lies the scene.

"AHHHHHH!" shrieked Hector, pointing at Helen. "You have aerophobia!"

"No, I don't!" retorted Helen indignantly. "I'm not afraid of drafts of air!"

"Right?" said Hector unbelievingly. "And I suppose I turn into a giant green monster when I get mad?"

"The only time I turn into a monster is when I run out of hair gel!" put in Paris. "Oh, disgusting! Hector, you have hairy legs! AHHHHHHHHH!"

"You don't fit in here!" yelled a random Trojan soldier. "We all clean shave."

"But I don't want to clean shave!" cried Hector. "I like my hair!" He was so upset, he removed his sandal and hurled it at Paris, knocking him out.

"It is a sign from Apollo!" cried Priam, who was so excited, he didn't even notice that he was falling off the wall.

A bird pecked Hector's leg.

"Ack!" cried Hector. "Something bit me!"

"Oh, sorry!" said the bird. Paris grabbed it and stuffed him into a bowling ball. Then, he shot it out of a primitive cannon. It flew into the Greek camp, where it conked Agamemnon on the head, knocking him out cold. The Greeks thought he was dead, so they put on a whole lot of Native American garb and started dancing around him singing: "Savages, savages!" (You know, the theme song for Pocahontas) They were all ready to go to war, but about then, they noticed that there was a strange vulture circling above him. Soon, there were twenty. Apparently, the vultures were proliferating.

The dancing Greeks heard a sharp high-pitched cry from the beach. It was Achilles! He was being attacked by a dense swarm of pitt-eating vultures. Suddenly, Agamemnon woke up and gave the order to retreat. He leapt in his chariot and was flying so fast across the sea, the wheels didn't even sink in. But he went too fast, fell out, and was run over, pounded tragically into the water. Menelaus was so distraught, he sat down right in the sand and started crying. He even called for his mommy.

Suddenly, a big, ugly, old lady with an over-sized purse walked up. "I'm from rentamommydotcom. What can I do for you, sonny?" she said.

"I want to rent a mom," responded Menelaus, trying to dry his tears.

Hector came sprinting down to the beach. "Come back to the city, grandma," he said furtively in her ear, hoping the other Greeks wouldn't notice that he was among them. "Come back and have your tea. It is tea-time, isn't it?"

Hector's grandmother turned around and regarded him. Then, she raised her purse high above her head and brought it down with a smack on Hector's. He didn't fall, just kind of stood there speechless with that aloof look in his eyes. Finally, he spoke. "No, Paris," he said. "You may not bob for apples in my chamber pot. And furthermore, the clown with the bird-cage on his head has to go!"

The Greeks stared at him blankly.

"Clown?" shrieked Menelaus. "Where? Where? Clowns scare me!" He began to cry again. Hector's grandmother clapped his shoulder.

"There, there, sonny," she said. "You tell your mommy what's wrong." Menelaus admitted to her that he was a panaphobic. She gave him a mother-to-son pep talk and he felt better. Then, he invited her to stay for lunch. And when he noticed Hector standing behind her, he invited him too, as well as Achilles. All entered Menelaus' pavilion. Everything seemed to be going well, until…

" Bologna? I hate bologna! I can't believe you made me a bologna sandwich!"

"I love bologna! Anyone who doesn't is a sack of wine!"

"Peanut-butter and honey is best!"

"Honey? Yuck! Cheesy nachos are the best!"

"Nachos? I hate nachos!"

"Nachos? Where? My nachos!"

They got into a huge fight. It ended with Hector and Achilles stabbing at each other with kitchen knives, Hector's grandmother pummeling people with her purse, and Menelaus poking everyone within reach in the arm with a fork. Then, when Achilles stabbed Hector in the finger, the Trojan warrior grew so angry, he transformed into the Hulk and destroyed the pavilion. He went on a rampage, obliterating the entire Greek camp. Everyone was running for their lives.

The Hulk grabbed Odysseus while he was shaving and picked him up by the neck. "Puny human!" he said. Then, he threw Odysseus all the way to Circes' island, where he stayed for fifty years. With the brains of the operation gone, the Greeks didn't have a chance. However, they tried to fight anyway. They surrounded the Hulk, pointing razor-sharp spears at him. Then, Achilles charged through the ring of men. He hurled his spear, but it bounced off and hit him in the eye. Then, he went after the Hulk with his sword. Hector held him off with one enormous finger. Achilles was still sprinting full speed when he realized that he was not getting anywhere. Then, the Hulk grabbed Achilles and said, "Fish are friends, not food!" With that, he tossed Achilles into the nearby river, where he became fossilized.

Then, Hector turned into an American soldier with a machine gun. When he saw what he was holding, he said, "Muhahahaha!" He fired a warning shot up into the air and the Greeks dispelled like frightened rats. They boarded their ships faster than you would think was possible and sailed back to Mycenae. Then, a laptop computer appeared on the sand beside Hector, who was now back to himself. He opened it up and it was running Age of Empires. He saw that it was on the Trojan War campaign. "Yay," he said. He made himself the Trojans and built a huge, double-walled, city. Then he built an army big enough to take over the world. Suddenly, an enemy transport came to shore. Just one. This should be easy, thought Hector. Out came a bigdaddy. With one shot from the missile launcher on top of the car, it took out his seemingly invincible wall. Then it drove inside, capturing the treasure of Priam. However, before it could kill Hector, the horseman with a sword that was supposed to represent the Trojan hero, Hector went right next to the bigdaddy and killed it dead.

"Phew," breathed Hector. Within a minute, he had restored the treasure and rebuilt the wall. Then, five transports came to shore and unloaded fifty bigdaddies.

"Lovely," said Hector. It was then that he realized that the game was on multiplayer! Someone else was playing him, not the computer. He saw that it was Paris. His brother was a ways down from him on the beach. Back on the computer screen, Hector realized that his entire city had been obliterated.

" Paris!" he yelled. "You are a cheater! You're not allowed to use bigdaddies!"

Paris just shrugged and smiled innocently. And that, my friends, was the Trojan War.

Finis