The Ultimate Snowball Fight

Altariel

(Edited by Anarion Tari Culnama)

One day in Troy, it was unbelievably humid. Never before had it been so dry. Everyone was dying of thirst.

"Water! I need…water!" gasped Hector, dragging himself across the stone floor of the palace. Then, without warning, snow began falling out of the sky in large piles.

"Good Heavens!" cried Helen. "What is this?"

"I don't know," replied Paris. "Why don't you go find out?" He picked Helen up and threw her down the steps into the snow.

"Auuughhhhh!" she shrieked in a panic.

"What's wrong?" asked Paris. "Is it melting you? Is it…"

"No," replied Helen. "It's soft and cold."

"Then why did you scream?" questioned Hector.

"I broke a nail!" sobbed Helen. "I now…I'm going to cry!" She held up her chipped nail. Paris' eyes grew wide with horror. He turned and ran inside the nearest wardrobe.

"Ow…" Bonk! "Ooo!" Crash! "Ow…owww!" they heard coming from the wardrobe. A few moments later, Paris emerged with underpants over his skirt, a towel tied like a flying cape around his neck, a bag filled with beauty supplies tied around his waist, a nail-file in one hand, and a bottle of nail-polish in the other.

"Never fear! Beauty-man is here!" he yelled. Paris jumped down the stairs and picked Helen up with one of his arms, then flew her into his beauty salon, singing:

"I feel pretty, oh, so pretty, and witty, and gay!"

"Hmm…strange!" remarked Hector. "Back to out situ…"

"Strange-ice-water fight!" shouted Tecton, hurling a snowball at Hector. It hit the prince smack in the head, knocking him down the stairs into the snow. The second Hector reached the bottom of the steps, he got to his feet with a tightly-packed snowball in each hand. He smiled evilly and chucked them at Tecton, knocking him out cold. The prince smiled even bigger (if that was possible) and his eyes went swirly-twirly.

"Ahhh! Run for your lives!" cried Lysander. "Hector has gone mad!" Hector commenced throwing snowballs at everyone he saw, his arms moving faster than the eye could see. Before he knew it, everyone in Troy had been knocked unconscious by his powerful throws. Hector still felt like playing, however, so he simply threw the snowballs at all the people lying on the ground.

"Muhahahahahahaha!" cackled Hector, throwing a super large snowball at Priam's head. Priam's leg twitched at the impact.

"I'm having so much fun I just can't hide it! Muhahahahahahaha…haha…ha…ha?" Hector made his way over to the watch tower and peered over the edge to see the Greeks swimming in the snow near the city. Hector grinned like the Mouth of Sauron and sunk slowly down.

"Perfect!" he whispered to himself. "New victims!" He grasped a snowball in his hands, then peeked over the wall once more and scanned the area for his first target. Hector spotted Menelaus struggling to move in the snow.

"Brilliant!" laughed Hector, jumping to his feet and hurling the snowball. It missed! But it was not all for naught; even though it whizzed past Menelaus head', it wiped out Agamemnon, who was right behind him. Then, Agamemnon fell forward and squashed Menelaus.

"Menelaus is busted! There are those who can't be trusted!" sang Hector evilly. He then, once again, went swirly-eyed and knocked all of the Greeks out cold.

When he was done, he began a victory dance singing:

"I'm number one! I'm number one! They're number two!" Without warning, a snowball sped right past his head. Hector froze in his tracks, slowly turning his head to look at the ground and find out who had DARED throw a snowball at him. He saw Achilles tossing a snowball up in the air and catching it in his right hand. Achilles waved at Hector and grinned.

"You have yet to get ME, Prince Hector!" he shouted. Hector snarled at him and rushed down to the gate. When he arrived outside the walls of Troy, he made a good snowball and approached Achilles.

"Ok…ready…set…GO!"

A few hours had passed and still neither one had been hit: they were both equally skillful. But then, Hector had a brainstorm. He made a massive snowball and rolled it towards Achilles, squashing the Greek into the snow before he could elude it. Then, Hector sprinted over and knocked the disoriented Achilles comatose with another snowball. Hector was the victor.

As he walked back through the gates of Troy, he realized something. Everyone was gone. He turned around and shut the gates, then whirled back around. Everyone was surrounding him. They were all smiling wickedly, holding a gargantuan snowball above their heads.

"Hey, guys!" pleaded Hector. "This isn't fair!"

All at once, they dropped the snowball on him. Hector lost a few teeth and became quite black and blue. He stood there momentarily, swaying delicately back and forth, before saying:

"Hector out!" He fell backwards to the ground and did not wake for three days.

Finis