Author's Notes: Aiyaaaaaaaaaaaa. Sorry about this. Six friggin' months to write one chapter… God. This story is never going to end. (The neeeeeeeeveeeeeeeeer eeeeeeeeeending stooooooooooooorrrrrrrrry! Nanananana, nananana!) Anyways, we both hope you enjoy this chapter, and can hopefully understand at least part of it. Our only explanation is Mountain Dew. Lots and lots of it.
Disclaimer: Valdemar, Karal, Altra and all other trademark characters belong to Mercedes Lackey. We just stole—er, borrowed them for a little bit. Megami is copyrighted to Julie Heida and Krissy Rhyme. Attempts to steal her without permission (God knows why anyone would want to) will be met with The Spoon.
* * *
Candlemarks later the Skans were only halfway to the palace, and the noodles continued to pour down cheerfully.
"My feet are killing me!" wailed the younger Skan, and the other gryphon laughed maliciously.
"I told you," He responded smugly. "But would you listen? Noooooooo, of course not. You had to be the big tough man-gryphon thing." The baby, as the middle Skan had begun to call him, pouted in distress.
"I didn't know how haaaaaaaaaaaard it would be," he sulked, glowering. "And I'm really getting sick of slipping on the stupid—" here the baby used some language that you probably wouldn't want to use in front of your grandmother, "—all the time!"
"I have to agree with you there," Skan admitted grudgingly. "But you still don't have to complain about it. I'm falling just as much as you are, and do you hear me whining?"
"Well, that's you. I happen to feel the need to complain about every single little discomfort. Just because you don't doesn't mean I shouldn't either. After all, everybody's different."
"Um, we're the same gryphon. We're exactly the same in every way except age and experience."
"Erm, maybe you grew out of it?" Ha. As if. The little whiner was just trying to find more things to complain about. Skan decided he had put up with enough of the baby's whining, and picked up the pace a few notches, quickly leaving the other gryphon behind.
"Heeeeeeeeeeeeeey!" he heard the baby whine, and ignored it. Maybe he would get lost. Yeah, and maybe it'll stop noodling. Or whatever.
And then it did.
And it started raining instead.
"Noooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" cried the baby, sitting down on the ground.
"Oh, quit your whining and hurry up." Skan grumbled, not exactly thrilled with the rain either, but not about to show it in front of the baby. "The faster we walk, the faster we get there."
* * *
"MEEEEEEEEEEEGAAAAAAAAAAAAAMIIIIIIIIIIIIII!"
I froze.
"Oh crap…." I whispered. Mother was coming. She had found out about the Skans. She was going to kill me, bring me back to life and then ground my sorry carcass for the rest of eternity. My mind ran around in circles inside my skull, screaming in terror while what little rationality I had left told me to RUN, and to run really, really fast. My body didn't really feel like cooperating, however, and cheerfully remained rooted to the ground. My mouth was the only part that was still functional, and gladly filled out my brain's request for movement by utter my new mantra:
"-Shitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshit-"
I was dead. Deader then…something really dead. My mind was still running around in fright, while a small, detached part of me wondered how Mother had figured it out. Does it really matter?!? We're still dead! Shouted the majority of my brain. The other part paused to think this over for a minute, decided the bigger part was right and joined in on the mindless panicking. Four seconds later the door to my room slammed open and Mother stormed in looking like hell on two legs, effectively scaring the shit out of me.
"MEGAMI! Do you know what you've done?!" she demanded, as I cowered in fear on the floor. My brain had turned into a quivering mass of jello, and so it answered in the way I was most familiar with when talking to my mother:
I lied.
"N-no…I don't…"
Hey, I never said it was a good lie.
"Just because you're upset about your punishment does not give you the right to fiddle around with things like this! Megami, if you're mad at me you should not, under any circumstances, punish the mortals! Do you hear me?" Mother stood quivering with anger in my doorway, waiting for…something. An apology perhaps, or maybe she was waiting for me to throw myself at her feet and confess everything.
I blinked once or twice.
"Okay, you lost me right around the beginning of that." It was really too bad I had no idea what she was talking about.
Mother glared at me "So you didn't do this?" she asked, giving me a look that would have frozen fire. " I find this hard to believe."
"I have no idea what you're talking about." I responded truthfully. And hey, I didn't, so I really was telling the truth.
"Don't lie to me." Mother snapped. "A few minutes ago it began to rain noodles all over Valdemar, causing panic all over the country. It had your distinct signature all over it, and unless there's someone else powerful enough with a combination of Sun and Star magic around here you're in big trouble. "
My first impulse was to sit down and laugh hysterically for an hour or two. I had made it rain NOODLES. Over Valdemar. This was, quite possibly, one of the funniest things I had ever heard of in my life.
My second desire was to go kill myself. I had just made it rain noodles over Valdemar, and Mother had been the one to find out about it. I didn't even want to think about the punishment she was going to give me.
"Ohhhhhhhhhhhh…. That." I said lamely. "Um, yeah, well… See, I was trying to practice without my Scry-pool…and, um…it didn't really work, I guess…" I trailed off.
Mother's faced hardened, and the softened. "I'm not sure whether to ground you or praise you. On one hand, you actually are practicing of your own free will. On the other, you did something very irresponsible."
"I know…" I mumbled, looking at the floor. Mother sighed.
"Just make sure it doesn't happen again. If you're going to be practicing, set up some protections, please?" I nodded, mentally congratulating myself on my underhanded sneakiness. Mother turned to walk out the door, and then paused. "Oh, Megami. I'm going be working in the weaving room. Try not to disturb me, okay?" Mother started to walk out once more, and then stopped again.
"Oh. Almost forgot." she snapped her fingers, and I distantly felt something shatter. "That should take care of the noodles. I know you're practicing, but try not to get into any trouble, dear. I really don't have the time to clean up after you."
"Okay," I agreed, lying through my teeth. Trouble was attracted to me. If you looked the word up in the dictionary, it would say "Trouble = Megami" with my picture underneath it. It was like it sought me out.
Not that I try to pass it up or anything.
* * *
"BAWK?! Bawk, bawk baaawk….?"
Selenay stared blankly at the spot where Talia, the Queen's Own, had just stood. Just. Now there was a plump little chicken, looking rather confused and making lots of noise.
Oh god…
Selenay sat down abruptly. This just wasn't her day, now was it? First, Gryphons who claimed they were the 'Great Skandranon' appeared, then it rained, of all things, noodles, and now there was a chicken sitting on her floor. Wonderful.
"Bawk…BAWKBAWKBAWKBAWK!!" Suddenly, (for no apparent reason as far as Selenay could tell) the chicken got very excited, and started flapping around the room, bawking loudly.
"No, no! Stop that!" Selenay implored the chicken, which didn't listen to her. Desperately, she lunged at it, missed, and sprawled rather ungainly on the floor. She sighed, and pushed herself back up, wincing slightly as the chicken squawked loudly into her ear. Moaning, Selenay buried her head in her hands.
"Will you please be quiet?" she mumbled. The chicken ignored her, and continued to flap around the room. Her door creaked open and someone padded across the floor, but she didn't care. It was probably just one of the Heralds reporting, anyway.
:My, that is a problem, isn't it?: thought an unfamiliar voice. :Do you people have this sort of thing happen all the time here?:
She sighed, and removed her head from her hands, and looked up…
And up and up and up….
The person talking to her was absolutely huge. In fact, she realized, it wasn't actually a person…
It was a Gryphon.
:Hello.: somehow, the sight of the unfamiliar Gryphon didn't surprise her at all, even though a tiny part of her was screaming to get the hell outta there. She told it to shut up.
:Hello.: the Gryphon answered back. :My name is Skandranon. Who are you?:
:I'm Selenay.:
She resisted the urge to laugh; it felt ridiculously like being the new kid in school all over again.
:Oh. Then I'm in the right place. Some Herald-guy named Elden told me to come to find you.: He peered closely at her, scrutinizing her face. :You are the queen, right?:
:Yes.: For some reason she was suddenly monosyllable, and her mind drew a complete blank as to why. It wasn't like she had never seen a Gryphon before; she saw Treyven and Hydona often enough around the palace to get used to them. Maybe it was the feeling of a large predator looming over you, who—on pure whim—had decided not to chew you up and spit out the gristle. He should meet Kerowyn.
:Anyway, he said that you already knew all about us but you needed to introduce us to some people…or something like that anyway.: He gave a very human-like shrug. :There was also something about where we were supposed to stay.:
POP!
"What the hell…?"
"Talia!" Selenay cried. Now that Talia was here, there would be someone levelheaded to help her with all of this. "What happened to you? One minute you were there, and the next there was a chicken instead!"
"Don't know. Suddenly, I--"
POP!
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" Selenay screamed in frustration. This wasn't happening. People didn't turn into chickens. It just didn't happen, even if Talia thought it should. People stayed people and chickens stayed chickens. Unless aforementioned person got a curse put on them, or something like that. Or they turned themselves into psychotic swords that decided to meddle in everyone's business until they croaked and were sent up to the Moon Paths. Great, now I'm completely off subject… Irritated, she turned to the Gryphon.
:Okay. Now, you are going to tell me that Talia didn't turn into a chicken.: She Mindsent. Twitching psychotically. :And you are going to be right. Otherwise very, very bad things are going to happen.:
The Gryphon gave her an 'if-you-really-think-I'm-going-to-do-that-you're-insane' type of look, and sat down on the floor.
:Now, there is a rational explanation for this, I promise you. We just have to figure it out. I'm assuming this isn't normal behavior for you people, so what could cause it?:
Selenay frowned in concentration. :Well, if someone put a curse on Talia maybe…or if the heartstone is going haywire…:
:Heartstone?:
:It's like a big magical rock that cleans magic.:
:Oh. Anything else?:
:The mage-storms might have something to do with it, but I doubt it. No one else has had anything happen to them.:
Someone knocked on her door, and automatically she told them to come in.
"Selenay, someone has TP'ed the bathroom ag—OHIMGOD!" An aghast Daren stood in the doorway, but he soon recovered. "Selenay, get out of the way! I'll save you!"
"Don't be an idiot Daren," she said irritably, "It's not like you've never seen a Gryphon before. Besides, I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself. You know that."
"Yes, well-" he started.
"Shut up and help." she interrupted. When Daren didn't budge, she gave him a Royal Glare and he slunk over to stand beside her.
"What're we doing?"
"Trying to figure out why Talia-hey, where did she go?" Selenay realized all of a sudden that not a peep [AN: Pun intended] had been heard from Talia in quite some time. Frantically, she swept her gaze around the room, but couldn't see the little chicken anywhere.
"What?"
"Talia is gone! She was here just a while ago, clucking like mad!"
"Clucking." Daren gave her a skeptical look.
"Yes. Clucking. Hey, what are you staring at?" She stared defensively at the Gryphon, who had been watching with an amused sort of look during the entire conversation. Annoyed, Selenay sent him a mental message to bugger off. Daren stared at both of them in confusion.
"Someone want to explain what's going on?"
"Talia turned into a chicken and Skandranon and I--" Selenay was cut short as there was a terrific bang and suddenly she was looking up at Daren. Angrily, she tried to ask what had happened, and found to her surprise that all that came out was a very loud bawk.
This, she realized, could be a very big problem…
* * *
Kerowyn stumbled blearily down the hall to the kitchen, rubbing at her eyes. Gods, she was tired. She had been up all night arguing with some pompous merchant over fishing rights, and all she wanted right now was some hot food, a warm bath, and bed. Her head was throbbing too, cheerfully pounding away in rhythm to the tolling of the afternoon bells. Kerowyn groaned. I don't think I'll ever get used to those damn things. She thought irritably. They should be destroyed. Slowly, with large, blunt objects…
She finally made her way to the mess hall, straightening up and putting on her 'poker face'. It wouldn't do to let the trainees know that she did have weaknesses. She strode up to the entrance, looking a great deal more energetic then she felt and opened the doors—
Only to find pandemonium abounding everywhere. The room was filled with chickens, dozens upon dozens of them, all squawking and fluttering about, shedding feathers all over the place. Kerowyn stared in horrified fascination as a trainee shouted something, and promptly turned into a fat, white hen, and hastily she glanced around the rest of the room watching as Heralds and trainees alike turned into and out of chickens. She could feel a vein in her forehead begin to pop, and her headache increased enormously as the frightened poultry continued to serenade the palace with loud bawking. Finally, she snapped and roared loudly into the din of the room.
"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!?!"
Silence.
Kerowyn smirked. "Much better."
* * *
"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!?!"
"Owwwww!" wincing, I clapped my hands over my ears. Next time, I reminded myself, don't eavesdrop when Kerowyn is there and has a headache.
"Megami? What is going on in here?" Mother poked her head in through the door, and I spun around hastily to face her.
"Nothing mother," I said blandly, keeping my face as straight as possible, "just listening to some music, that's all." She gave me a suspicious look, scrutinizing my face, but she soon left and I heaved a sigh of relief. I had the feeling that mother would not approve of eavesdropping magically on mortals. I rubbed my aching ear, feeling sorry for myself. That was the last time I was gonna do something that stupid anyway.
Probably.
I sighed, flopping down onto my bed and hugging Tare, my stuffed panda to my chest. Things weren't exactly working out the way I had planned. I knew that using Words of Power would be difficult, but I didn't realize how difficult it would be. So far I had made it rain noodles, turned everyone into chickens, and had managed to get yelled at by Mother a few dozen more times for interrupting her by making too much noise. Spiffy. I rolled onto my stomach, resting my head on my folded arms. I knew I had to try again, but I really didn't want to face the consequences at the moment. I lifted Tare up and held him above my head. "What do you think Tare?" I asked. Tare stared accusingly at me, and I groaned, letting my head fall so my face was smushed against my bed.
"Great, now even my toys think I'm a total idiot…" I muttered into my covers. Tare continued to glare at me, and finally I gave in. "Alright, alright I'm going okay?" Strangely enough, his face seemed to relax into what seemed like a satisfied smirk, and I reminded myself not to hit the magic mushrooms quite so hard next time…
* * *
Silence reigned over the mess hall, giving Kerowyn a blessed chance to think things over. Chickens and humans alike stared at her in an awed hush as feathers floated slowly down to cover the room in a blanket of white.
"You. Tell me what happened." Kerowyn pointed to one of the Trainees, who immediately began to babble.
"Dunno marm, suddenly the whole room woz full of chickens an' people popping back and forth between human an' the like. Then all of a sudden I-" with a loud pop, the trainee turned into a chicken, who looked rather disgruntled. Kerowyn shrugged mentally, and moved on to the next person.
After a candlemark of interrogating everyone in the room, Kerowyn had begun to notice a pattern to the chaos. When the person suddenly cut off and turned into a chicken, the last word they had said was 'I'. Always. But, she decided, better test it out first.
"You know what? I-"
Yep. Kerowyn thought, studying her newly acquired wings. I think that's it.
* * *
Skan stared in amusement at the three chickens that were busily pecking madly at the floor. This had proved to be very entertaining! Who knew that the Valdemaran people spontaneously turned into poultry? Idly he wondered if the Herald-man would get mad if he ate the annoying guy—Daren, he recalled. He thought it over some more and decided he probably would.
"Hey, what's going on?" a voice startled Skan out of his bloody daydreams, and he turned to face the speaker.
"The Queen and some weird guy turned into chickens. Don't ask me why." He replied as the middle Skan looked curiously at the three chickens who had huddled up into a corner at this point. The youngest one had collapsed against the wall, panting and moaning about his aching feet, and Skan raised an inquiring eyebrow at the other gryphon, who shrugged in response.
"He's a wimp." He stated, and the young Skan glared and added his two cents to the pot.
"Hey, if everyone is turning into chickens, why haven't we?" he asked.
"Maybe we're like chickens already, so we can't turn into one." Suggested the middle Skan.
"Are you trying to tell me something?" the youngest Skan narrowed his eyes dangerously, giving the middle Skan a look of Doom, and the oldest gryphon backed away, deciding that he was really too old to get into brawls at this point.
Then the whole world twisted upside down and Skan felt as if he was being wrung like a wet towel and turned inside out at the same time. Oddly enough, it didn't hurt, but he tried to scream anyway but his vocal cords appeared to be floating a few feet away from him…
With a sudden jolt, the world was back in place and Skan was feeling as if he had just walked down to the gates of hell and back. The three humans were sitting on the floor, looking rather confused and the other two gryphons were huddled together in a corner.
"I don't understaaaaand…" wailed the youngest Skan, and the middle one patted his head in sympathy.
* * *
Well, the good news was that I had managed to fix the chicken thing without Mother noticing, but the bad news was that I had absolutely no idea how I had done it. Typical. Not really in the mood to try again, I wandered over to my stereo to pick something to listen to. Ah, here's a good one…
I selected a burned CD I had made a while ago, set it into the stereo and pressed play. Music blared out of the speakers cheerfully, and I began to sing along.
ALL THE VEAGANS IN THE HOUSE!
THE VEGANS, THE VEGANS!
ALL THE VEAGANS IN THE HOUSE!
ALL THE VEGANS, THE VEGANS!
She's not eatin' bacon, not eatin' sausage
And she won't eat eggs, not eatin' chicken
Not eatin' turkey, she won't have a steak
But I just can't help feelin' sorry
For this poor little lettuce head
I danced crazily around my room, singing along at the top of my lungs. I was groovin'. I was in the zone. I was acting like a total geek and not giving a damn.
In a fit of insanity, I tried to leap over my bed. Unfortunately, I didn't quite make it and landed on Tare instead. I rolled off and grabbed a brush of my dresser, intending to use it as a microphone, and accidentally knocked over a jar of Sprite dust onto the floor. Yeah, go ahead and make all the Tinkerbell comments you want, but Sprite dust packs a pretty powerful punch.
"Crap." I muttered irritably. The jar only had a small crack in it but some of the dust had spilled out onto the floor. I pointed and it neatly made itself into a small pile, and then made it hover and deposit itself in my hands. Sprite dust was highly unpredictable. Most of the time I just used it for a cleaning spell, which meant that it was used maybe once or twice every few millennia.
"Megami? Have you seen my staff?" Mother suddenly popped into the room, and I jumped in surprise, scattering the pixie dust all over myself.
"No." I responded. Mother shrugged. "Okay, if you see it will you let me know?" I nodded, trying to brush the dust off and failing miserably, and then decided just to ignore it and sing some more. It was probably expired anyway; it had been sitting there for a long time.
You know I can't stop cryin' cause I
Know this broccoli's dead
Vegetarian, I'm not a vegetarian, vegetarian… she's a
I sang along, picking the jar up and placing it back on my dresser and then did a rather bad impression of Michael Jackson by moon walking across my room. The hokey-pokey, the twist, the YMCA, and other random assortments of dances followed this until I finally noticed that I was shedding Sprite dust all over my floor. Deciding I didn't really want to be the human glitter ball, I bounced over to my closet, planning on changing clothes. Then I began to glow brightly, quite effectively scaring me out of my wits. The Sprite dust gathered itself into a cloud above my head and disappeared. I stared, my heart sinking with the feeling of impending disaster.
Now what had I done?
[AN: The song used was 'Say Ten' by Reel Big Fish. The Flying Rat's don't own in. So nyah.]
* * *
Karal closed the door to his room and sighed, rubbing his temples gently. Having a fight with Natoli was never fun, and their latest argument was no exception. All he wanted to do right now was sleep. For a very long time…
:Oh no you don't!: Thought Altra sharply, twining around Karal's feet. :You're not doing anything until you eat.:
"You shouldn't eavesdrop." Retorted Karal.
:I'll do whatever I wish if it will make you stop being so concerned about everyone except yourself.: replied Altra mildly.
"Fine. I'll eat." Karal was in no mood to start another argument. Crossing his room carefully, he started making his way over towards the covered dish on the table.
"Ow! Altra, why were you looking at the wall? You just made me run into the table!" Karal yelled crossly, steadying himself.
:Sorry Karal. I thought I felt something funny.: Altra said apologetically. Karal sat himself down in the chair next to the table, at looked at the dish. Pulling off the cover, he was pleased to discover it was cucumber soup, one of his favorite dishes. There was also a few pieces of cheese, a loaf of bread, and a small glass of wine. Pulling up a chair, he gave a quick prayer of thanks to Vkandis for the food, and picked up his spoon.
"I'MMM A CUCUMBER, I'MMM A CUCUMBER, I'MM A CUCUMBER—"
"AAAAAHHHH!!!" Karal yelled and stood up abruptly, knocking his chair over while his soup continued to sing loudly about its cucumberiness. Altra stared at his bowl incredulously.
:Please tell me I'm imagining this,: he implored.
"Sorry, I don't think you are."
:Great. First its raining noodles, then people are getting turned into chickens, now we have singing vegtab-: Altra stopped abruptly.
The cucumber soup had quieted itself. The silence only lasted for a few minutes, however, before the cheese started up its own tune.
"IT'S VEL-VEETA! AGAINST CHEDDER! AND VEL-VEETA! IS MUCH BETTER!" the cheese sang.
:Vkandis help us. Singing food.: Altra moaned. :How on earth are we going to be able to eat anything?:
"Aren't I just like Neil Diamond?" asked the cucumber soup cheerfully.
* * *
Selenay walked into the kitchen, looking for a snack. She had woken up a candlemark ago, and hadn't been able to go back to sleep. She looked around, and decided on an apple. She chose one, and went back to her rooms. As she was just about to sink her teeth into the tasty thing, it started singing at her.
"Apples, apples, the magical fruit, the more you eat, the more you toot!" Selenay yelped and threw her apple across the room "OWWWWW! I'm gonna have a coooow!" sang the apple. She swore. Food had no right to sing like that. Especially when a person had just gotten up and was still asleep. However, the apple didn't seem to agree with her, and kept on singing loudly about its fruity self.
"What the hell is going on here?" Selenay moaned softly to herself. How could a person deal with all this sanely? I don't think I can... she realized. I'm going to go insane and run away into the Forest of Sorrows, only to be found three weeks later, half eaten by wild dogs... the apple continued to sing cheerfully. She threw a pillow at it. The apple shut up, and Selenay breathed a sigh of relief, sinking down onto the floor. "About time..." she muttered. But what if all food was singing? Was if this wasn't just some freak thing? Dear gods, and everyone would expect her to be able to deal and fix everything! I need a vacation... Selenay resisted the urge to scream. Funny, that seemed to happen a lot lately.... I definitely need a vacation... she thought. Maybe she should just go insane. If she were crazy, no one would expect anything from her. Gryphons appearing from nowhere and noodles raining would just be a normal part of life.
No! Nononono! Said a voice. You can't do that! Mother would kill me if I made the Queen of Valdemar go insane!
What? She asked, as hard as she could. Who are you, who is mother, and what the hell do you think you're doing?
Uh… said the voice. How 'bout I get back to you on that one?
No! Tell me what's going on! Demanded Selenay. What have you been doing to my country?
Nothing. Nothing at all. I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about whatsoever. Oh, look at the time! I must be going! The voice replied blandly, and then went quiet.
Hey! No! Come back here! Selenay 'yelled' at nothing in particular. When the voice didn't respond, she resigned herself to the fact that it was gone. Carefully, she went and picked up the apple—which was still singing merrily to itself—placed it on the table, and went to bed.
* * *
Dirk was sitting in the library, looking for a good book to settle down with. Idly, he browsed through the shelves, picking up books and flipping through them. Boring, boring, boring! He thought, tossing them over his shoulder.
"Dirk? Are you up here?" he heard Talia call. "It's time for supper!" Sighing, Dirk put down the book he was holding and went down to the dining hall.
"Hello, dear." He greeted Talia with a kiss on the cheek.
"Hello," she responded as they sat down at the table. Servants began to come out, laden with trays full of food. Suddenly the hall was filled with a loud singing noise.
"FOOD, GLOURIOUS FOOD! FOOOOOOOOOD! FOOD IS NEAT! FOOD IS GREAT! EAT THE FOOD ON YOUR PLATE!" several people jumped up, while others looked around in confusion.
"What's going on?" he heard a person ask, as the singing continued. There was a huge crash as a servant dropped his platter.
"THE FOOD! It's – it's – IT'S SINGING!"
Dirk gaped at the basket of fruit, which had suddenly grown itself mouths and vocal chords. Someone screamed, pointing at the food, which continued to sing happily.
"FOOD! THE FOODIEST FOOD AROUND! PICK IT OFF THE TREES AND OUT OF THE GROUND!" Dirk refrained from laughing at the stupidness of the song, and Talia's mouth twitched at the corners. Suddenly the singing cut off and was replaced by manical laughter. Okay, thought Dirk, now this is just getting weird. Random people who aren't really important began screaming some more. Dirk decided to calm everyone down. He looked at Talia, and decided that she would probably be better at that sort of thing then him.
"Talia," he said in a confidential whisper, "don't you think you should calm everyone down?" Talia looked at him, blinked, and stood up. She concentrated for a moment, and then sat back down. People stopped screaming and gradually calmed down. The manical laughter suddenly cut off, and Dirk heaved a sigh of relief. All over the room, silence sounded loudly. For about two seconds. Then a loud, squeaky voice started singing again.
"I'm gonna sing the doom song now. Doom, doom de-doomy doom, doom! Doomy, doomy doom de-doom doom, doom!" It appeared to be a small piece of fish doing the singing. Dirk could tell because people were slowly backing away from it. "Doom de-doom doomy doom!" Just out of curiosity, Dirk Mindsent to the other Heralds to see what was going on in the other parts of the palace. The same song was being sung to everyone.
"Doomy de-doom doomy doom, doom doomy doom!" People were still calm, apart from backing away; so Talia must have still been working her will on them. She was so smart! "Doomy, doomy doom, doom, doom the end!" The fish stopped singing abruptly. Dirk knew with absolute certainty that singing food would no longer plague them again, and so he fell off his chair in relief. Talia looked at him, shook her head, and started eating.
* * *
At the moment, I was laying on the ground wheezing like an 80 year old who was having a seizure.
No, I was not dying, despite how many people wish I were.
I was laughing my ass off.
To make a long story short, Mother had come in a little bit earlier and had done her 'Megami you'd better tone down the noise or else' routine. She had found out about the Sprite dust incident, fixed my mistake as usual, and had left me lounging on my bed watching Invader Zim and trying to work up the will power to try again. That's when it happened.
I had waved my hands at the TV, trying to get it to fast forward to my favorite part. When it didn't work, I had gotten frustrated and yelled some random Words at it, hoping that would get it to do what I wanted it to do. It didn't work, but it did do something else: All through the land of Valdemar Gir could be heard singing the doom song. Hence the laughing on the floor.
I finally got myself together and got off the floor, figuring I should try again while I still had the will power. Oh, yeah. I sent a piece of information into Dirk's brain so that he would know the singing food wouldn't sing anymore. I couldn't really let the whole country of Valdemar starve because they were afraid of their food. Well, that takes care of that. Now to attempt to send the gryphons back and fail miserably. Again.
This time I decided just to concentrate on the Skans; I would worry about erasing memories after I sent them back. I dug out some prayer beads—a gift from my Father—out of the back of my closet, and held them up in the air. I chanted a few Words and clapped my hands, making the prayer beads glow a bright crimson. I opened my hand, letting the beads fall to the floor as the glow brightened, almost blinding me, and then dimmed and disappeared. Hope that worked. I thought, kicking the beads under my bed. I don't really feel like doing this again.
* * *
Skan stared curiously at a bed of flowers. Such colors! He had never seen flowers like these before...
:Probably because it's 3,000 years in the future and you're in a completely different climate then your used to...: he thought sarcastically. :Stupid gryphon, where did Urtho put your brains?:
:In your ass, where else?:
:Shuttup: Sniggering came from behind a row of bushes, and Skan snarled. He couldn't remember being that disrespectful when he was that age.
:You know, I'm really actually getting fond of you Geezer!: the youngest Skan remarked nonchalantly, strolling out of the bush. :I'm going to miss arguing with you. It's like, well, arguing with myself.:
:HA, ha, ha.... Yeah, that took smarts.:
:You just can't appreciate good humor when you see it.:
:I'm sorry, I can't hear what you're saying. See, I'm ignoring you.:
:I'd like to see you try.:
:La, la, la.... Not listening...: If anyone had come into the garden at the moment, they would have been surprised, to say the least. One large black gryphon was yelling his head off, while another (seemingly identical) gryphon was parading around with his talons in is ears, singing.
:STILL NOT LISTENING...LALALALA...: Skan was enjoying this! He hadn't had so much fun since…oh, he couldn't remember! Annoying other people was fun, but annoying himself was even better!
Silence.
Skan cautiously removed his talons from his ears. It was as quiet as a graveyard, and his other self was nowhere to be seen.
:Well, that's odd...: he glanced around hastily, but the younger Skan had disappeared. :Oh, well.: Skan grinned. It felt good to triumph over the uppity youngster. His ego inflated even higher then usual (if that was even possible) and he paraded around the garden looking at the flowers. He spotted a particularly interesting one and was bending over to look at it when there was a big flash of light. And then Skan felt like he was being stretched waaaaaaaay out. Or like he was growing.... only he was shrinking at the same time, which felt very funny.
:Ha, ha! You're a daisy!:
:What the hell was that?: Skan asked in bewilderment. :Who the hell are you?:
:Me! Your very favorite younger self!: The younger Skan was leaning against a tree. Although since Skan no longer had eyes, he had no idea how he knew that. The younger Skan smirked in amusement, looking down his beak at Skan, who suddenly realized he had grown quite a bit and was now towering a good six feet above his head.
:What? How did you get so big?:
:I told you, you're a daisy. Can I make it any clearer then that?:
:Well, you could, for instance, tell me how this happened.:
:No, I don't think I'll do that. This is vastly more amusing.: Skan sighed in exasperation. Well, he tried to. Since he no longer had either lungs or a mouth, it was rather hard.
:You're not very helpful, you know that?: Skan asked dryly.
:Yes, isn't it great! I just love bein--YAAAAAH!!: Skan shied away as a bright light engulfed the younger gryphon, and when it finally cleared a majestic brown oak tree was standing in his place.
:Well isn't this a nice little garden of Skans.: The oldest Skan said.
:Will someone explain what the hell is going on?: wailed the middle Skan feeling more then slightly confused.
:Well, it would appear that you have turned into a daisy, and our young self here has turned into an oak tree.: The oldest Skan replied with a hint of Duh. Feeling slightly miffed, Skan asked him just what kind of drugs he was on, anyway.
:Do I look like a daisy to you?!?: he demanded The oldest Skan replied that he should open his eyes and look for himself.
:I don't seem to have eyes at the moment.: the middle Skan said stiffly. The older Skan laughed.
:And you think you're not a daisy. You don't have any sort of sense, besides whatever it is flowers have, and you think you're not a daisy.:
:Pretty much: Skan replied cheerfully.
:Well hate to burst your bubble, but you are most certainly a daisy.:
:Hold on a minute here,: the youngest Skan interjected, :just how did we get to be this way?
:How should I know?: The oldest Skan's answer gave the impression of a shrug.
:Well, it's no use sitting here wondering about it: the middle Skan pointed out.
:Nope, not when I can go somewhere else and wonder abooooooooooooooo-!!: There was a giant bang, and smoke filled the garden, hiding the older Skan from view. When it finally drifted away, a pretty blue lady slipper stood in his place. :All right, what am I?: he asked. The other Skans snickered.
:Awww...so pretty! I never knew just how beautiful and delicate you could be! Why didn't you tell us?: said the youngest Skan, sounding particularly vengeful.
:What am I? One of you two had better tell me, or I'll-- I'll-- I'll:
:You'll what, step on me with your pretty slippers?: the middle Skan snickered
:I'm not.:
:You are.:
:But I'm a guy! I can't be a lady slipper! It just doesn't work!:
:Sorry, but I'm afraid it does work.: the youngest gryphon said with a mental smirk
:And what's more, it already has worked! Is it just me, or is it getting really hot?: the middle Skan added suddenly.
:It's not just you, I'm feeling it too.: the oldest answered. Suddenly, both of them burst into flame. The youngest Skan stared in shock as his older selves burned up before his eyes. The flames abruptly died out to leave two shocked but completely whole and unburned gryphons standing where the two plants had been.
:Hey, no fair!: he complained. :I wanna burn up too! How come I don't get to change back?:
:No problem, just get me a fire starter, and I'll me happy to burn you!: the oldest Skan said.
:Ah, no thanks. I'll just wait.:
About that time, with no warning, the youngest Skan started sprouting leaves, which quickly grew so that all you could see of him was foliage. After a few seconds, the leaves stopped growing leaves, and started sprouting feathers, which fell out as soon as they grew, as if he couldn't decide whether he wanted to be a tree or a gryphon. As the older two Skans stared in mixed shock and amusement, the bundle of feathers and leaves disappeared with a loud pop, and reappeared a hundred feet above their heads. It then started shedding leaves, while floating slowly downward. At about fifty feet up, it popped back into a gryphon, which then followed the law of gravity: What goes up, must come down. Unfortunately, he only remembered about five seconds after he hit to flap his wings, and proceeded to flap wildly at the other two Skans, yelling profanities that would get him banned from most preschools. The middle Skan could have sworn he heard someone snicker in his head.
* * *
I snickered. The Skans were such dorks. Of course, their dorkiness was my fault, but that was really beyond the point. Although that point could be debated. That wasn't the point either. The point was that I had, typically, failed again. What I needed was inspiration. Something like ice cream. Or a large mallet to whack the Skans with. One of the two... I snapped my fingers and a quart of chocolate raspberry truffle ice cream fell into my lap, shortly followed by a spoon. Ice cream was easier than whacking the Skans anyway. I dug into the sweet creamy junk, and thought hard about what I should try on the Skans next. Maybe if I just sort of told them to go home… I thought offhandedly, savoring the chocolate-raspberryieness of the ice cream. A few minutes later, after finishing my snack, I decided to try out my idea.
"C'ept lo'me'ar gre'snal e'un Va'nche'za," I spoke the words that would—I hoped—make everything I told to happen in the Mortal World come true. I had to say it in the Old Tongue, though, and I wasn't great at that. "Hauunioes yiaeinoud lemaaonuiif gei-OW!"
Wham!
"Crap!"
Let me explain. See, Old Tongue requires some rather large hand motions. I had been doing these, and had accidentally hit a stone basin, knocking it to the floor, where it proceeded to break.
I looked at the basin, trying to figure out if I really wanted to fix it or not. I decided it was too much trouble and stood on my head instead. The blood began to rush to my head and I soon developed a rather large headache. I wondered why.
Is this a normal thing? I asked myself. Prob'ly. I answered. It wasn't until I began to black out that I decided I would stop standing on my head and get some Tylenol. I took a couple of pills and went back to my room to sulk. I walked into my room, tripped over the basin and landed flat on my face.
"Stupid piece of sporking shit…" I muttered, getting up. My life sucked. A lot.
I slunk over to my bed, glaring at nothing in particular. I flopped down and picked up Tare. He had a rather bland expression on his face and I resisted the urge to shake him and demand what he was laughing at. I threw him across the room instead.
Minutes ticked slowly by, and I fell into a bored stupor. I wish I had something to do… I thought. The word 'gryphons' wandered through my brain, trying to connect itself to something. I thought hard about his for a few moments, and then realized I hadn't finished sending them home.
Distractedly, I waved my hands at the basin on the floor, and as the pieces floated back together I tried to remember what I had been saying to get the Skans back where they belonged. Eh, I probably said enough. Something must've happened, anyway. I thought. I'll just have to try to listen in for a while to make sure.
* * *
Healer Delayn sat at his desk, reading. At a small tap on his door, he looked over to see a small trainee standing in the doorway.
"Come in, Yuiop. What were you sent for this time?"
"Nothing much, sir, just A Guide to Human Anatomy." Delayn sighed and rose creakily from his comfortable seat. He tottered over to the bookshelf against the wall, got the appropriate text, and tossed it to Yuiop.
"There you go, knock yourself out." To his horror, Yuiop caught the book and started whacking himself on the head with it. "What are you doing? Stop that!" Delayn shouted.
"I don't know, stop me!" The trainee said, panicking, just before collapsing on the floor. Delayn hurried over and checked him out. He seemed to be fine, except for the fact that he had just knocked himself out.
"Shiiiiiiiiit," Delayn said, rocking back on his heels. That was right about the time that a huge pile of, well, shit landed on his head. Angrily, he got up to go wash it off. Thankfully, the hall was mostly empty. Unfortunately, the one Healer to pass him had to be the one that would greet him as cheerfully as if he didn't have a pile of shit on his head.
"You know what, Klevra, just go jump off a bridge, okay?" he said, shoving past her. Klevra got a strange, glazed look in her eyes and walked away. Delayn, still angry about his head, ignored her and went to go wash off. A few minutes later he was much cleaner and more cheerful. As he walked back towards his room, he wondered what had made Yuiop knock himself out. He was so engrossed in his pondering that he didn't notice Daren until he ran into him.
* * *
Daren walked down the hallway. He was rather tired, and wished those gryphons hadn't made him look quite so stupid.
"I wish they would just fly away." he muttered. A startled squawk brought him out of his thoughts. He looked up out the window to see three black forms getting smaller in the sky. Cool, he thought, they're flying away! I must be a physic or something! I could make a lot of money with this... lost in his thoughts, he didn't notice the Healer coming down the hallway towards him.
WHAM!
Rubbing his aching head, Daren glared at the healer.
"Watch where you're going, dumbass!" he blinked. He could've sworn there was a Healer standing there a moment ago. He must have been mistaken. This was clearly a donkey. Though what it was doing inside he didn't know... the donkey brayed loudly, and fixed Daren with a resentful glare.
"What? I didn't do anything! Stop that!" the donkey ceased its glaring, and charged at Daren instead. Daren screamed loudly and ran into the wall.
"Oh, why me?" he moaned, rubbing his head. Unfortunately, he had forgotten about the donkey, which then butted him in the rear.
"STOPPIT!" he yelled "you stupid pile of --" he stopped, and gave the donkey an interested look and began to giggle. The donkey looked at him rather oddly, which only made him laugh harder.
"HAHAHAHAHA! I CONTROL YOU!" he cackled. The donkey ran away, its eyes rolling wildly. "Stop! Sit! Roll over!" Daren yelled happily.
"Daren? What are you doing?" Selenay's voice rang through the hallway. Daren froze, and laughed nervously.
"A hahahahaha...funny you should ask that....'cause I don't really know..." he stopped. What was he doing? Why was that donkey over there glaring at him?
"Someone get that donkey out of here, it's creeping me out." Selenay rolled her eyes in exasperation.
"Why don't you do it dear? You are a herald, you know."
"Oh. Of course I know that. How could I not know that? I'll just go take it out then. OW! Hey, that stupid piece of pie bit me!" There was a strange fizzling noise, and the donkey suddenly turned in to a slice of pie. Selenay screamed in exasperation, then turn on her husband.
"What," she asked "Was that piece of pie, before you turned it into a donkey. Or should I say who."
"Um.... some healer..." Daren muttered, trying to avoid her wrathful gaze. Selenay's eye began to twitch repeatedly, and in what was obviously an attempt to stay calm, began to mutter 'peace, love and flowers' over and over again.
"What exactly" she said carefully, "Did you do?"
"I think I turned him into a piece of pie." Daren responded. Selenay got a look as if she was with great difficulty trying not to strangle him.
"You. Are going to tell me exactly what you did to turn that Healer into a piece of pie. Or you will be extremely. Extremely. Not. Happy."
"Allididwassay'thatstupidpeiceofpiebitme." Daren blurted out, cowering behind a statue 20 feet away from Selenay. Selenay looked as if she wanted to scream again.
"And what happened before that?" she asked, as if talking to a frightened six year old. Daren cautiously crept a little bit closer.
"He was trying to kill me...." with a great deal of willpower, Selenay restrained herself from killing him on the spot.
"Why was he trying to kill you, and how exactly was he trying to do it?" she said in the same comforting-a-six-year-old voice. Daren scuttled away nervously. He didn't like to predatorial gleam in Selenay's eye.
"He was charging at me...and…yeah." Selenay twitched a few times. " DON'T HURT MEEEEEEE!" Daren wailed, throwing himself on the ground in front of her.
"What. Did. You. Do. To. Make. Him. Mad. At. You. And get up, you're not a baby."
"I turned him into a donkey and he got maaaaaaaad at me and was trying to kill me. And I turned him into a donkey by saying 'you dumbass!" he added, not wanting to provoke her any more then he had to. Selenay sighed and deflated. She sat down abruptly on the floor and cradled her head in her hands.
"Why this, why now, why, by all the gods, why me?" she moaned.
"Er...." said Daren, not really sure how to respond without getting hurt.
"Oh, just shut up. I wasn't talking to you anyway."
Daren tried to speak, but his mouth wouldn't open. Frustrated, he made a kind of grunting noise instead. Selenay looked up.
"What are you doing? Stop fooling around and do something useful." Daren blinked a couple of times, and then promptly went down to the bathing rooms and drew Selenay a bath. He then went back to Selenay and tugged her arm until she followed him to the bath. When she saw what he had done, she kissed him on the forehead.
"Awww, that's so sweet! Thanks honey!" Daren shook his head. He would never understand women.
* * *
"MEGAMI!" Mother yelled, right before she stalked into my room.
I winced. "Y-yes?" I asked although I already knew why she was here.
"Do you know that currently in Valdemar what anyone says becomes true?" she asked, giving me a look that promised pain no matter what I said. Which was really, really bad seeing as I had made it happen.
"Really?" I decided on a neutral answer.
"Yes. And I don't care how you did it or why, but you are going to fix it. If you don't I'll see that you never get out of this room again." Mother stated flatly. "Don't expect any help from me either, Megami. You're not a child, and I'm not going to pick up your messes anymore. You need to learn how to use your powers."
When I remained silent, Mother turned briskly and walked out the door. I stomped over and slammed it shut angrily, glowering at nothing in particular. I did too know how to use my magic! I would show her…
I searched my limited store of Words of Power and started to cast a spell, determined to succeed. Mother would be sorry for saying that.
* * *
Karal sighed. The pig standing next to him spoke some garbled Kaled'a'in, and the green duck on his other side turned into a pumpkin with a bright pink Mohawk. The fish in the flowerbed saw this, bubbled something incomprehensible, and the pig sprouted wings, turned plaid, and started beeping furiously.
These were, of course, the Skandranons. After they had accidentally flown away, they had returned to Companion's Field where Karal and Natoli had been taking a walk together. The Skans soon discovered that everything that they said out loud became true, and promptly began name-calling. Needless to say, this had completely ruined his evening alone—except for Altra—with Natoli. She did seem to be enjoying herself, though…
"Yeah? Well, you're a peg-legged, talking, green and purple polka dotted cocker spaniel with nine ears!" Natoli told the fish. She had seen that it was an unfair two against one, and took the side of what Karal thought was the youngest Skan. She was currently a bright blue, six feet and eleven inches high (counting the ears) floating donkey with oversized wings. Karal, on the other hand, could now see without the aid of Altra. Abruptly, he was startled out of his thoughts by the undeniable fact that he had just turned into a sparrow.
"Hey!" he cried indignantly. "What did I do? You could at least warn a person before they turn into a bird! And all of you, talk in Valdemaran, yeesh!"
"You think too much!" the pig shouted back through it's beeping. "I had to do something to get you to stop!"
"Well then, you are a maroon blaze orange striped talking frog the size of a pin, with cat ears coming out of your toes, six squirrel tails and fifty-nine bat ears." Karal replied evilly.
"Jerk!" the frog protested.
"You stupid!" Natoli cried. "Think before you say something like that! You just made Karal into a jerk!"
"Aw, Cr-Fu-Sh-Da-Fudge!" said the frog loudly, just before he got buried in a pile of fudge. The dog hurried over to eat the chocolate, while the pumpkin looked on mournfully because he didn't have legs.
"Ow! You bit me!" the frog shouted out of the fudge. The dog made a rather rude remark about the frog's mother, and Natoli groaned.
"Honestly! Can't you two be civil to each other for three seconds?" she snapped. The dog and the frog [AN: Meehee! It rhymes! We're POETS!] looked at each other.
"I'm terribly sorry about all that, my dear old chap." Apologized the dog.
"Pish and posh. Think nothing of it." The frog replied airily, and then promptly launched himself at the dog. The dog shook his head, flinging the frog into the flowerbed. Karal laughed happily and Natoli turned on him.
"You can just shut your mouth, mister." She said angrily. Karal's beak snapped shut, which actually kind of hurt.
"Um, you're not very happy right now, are you?" the pumpkin asked timidly. "'Cause I'm not a pumpkin anymore." At this point, he popped into some kind of strange creature that looked like it couldn't decide whether it was a butt or a monkey. Natoli tried to throw her hands up in exasperation, forgot that she was still a monkey, and fell over.
"What the hell am I?!" the creature said panickedly.
"I think you're a buttmonkey." The dog snickered.
Karal laughed evilly. "MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA! YOU WILL BE A BUTTMONKEY FOREVER!!!"
"Karal!" shouted Natoli. "Don't say that! He will not, he's going to turn back into a gryphon sometime!"
"Screw you." Karal said evilly.
Silence.
"DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'VE JUST SAID??!?!" Natoli said shrilly. Karal thought about this for a moment, realized what she was talking about, remembered he was still a sparrow and his wing didn't bend that way, and fell over.
"Can a sparrow screw a donkey?" the frog asked.
"I don't know, but it should be interesting." The dog answered.
Karal and Natoli were slowly sliding towards each other, each desperately scrabbling to go the other way. Just when they were about a foot apart, Karal found himself rising into the air, spinning wildly. When he got above the tallest tower of the palace, he stopped spinning and began to fall. The next thing he knew, he was on the ground, human and blind once more.
"What the hell?!?" Natoli shouted. There were some crashing noise, followed by various curses.
"Altra!" Karal hissed.
:Sorry.: the Firecat said distractedly, letting Karal see through his eyes. The three gryphons were piled in a heap, and Natoli was standing next to them, shaking her head.
"You'd think that three grown gryphons would know enough to get out of the way when a mini tornado is coming at them." Natoli told them while Altra translated.
:We aren't exactly known for our common sense, you know.: One of the gryphons said defensively.
"It doesn't take much sense to move out of the way of a tornado." Natoli retorted. "It's more of a survival thing, and I have been told several times that you've managed to survive your stupidity."
:Tornados and makaar are completely different things.: Another Skan said, sounding as dignified as the situation permitted.
Feeling guilty, Karal walked up to Natoli. "I'm sorry," he whispered.
"It's all right, I understand." She replied softly. "But what I don't understand is why these idiots can't get out of the way of a tornado!" she continued to argue merrily with the Skans.
* * *
Slowly, I opened my eyes. Nothing seemed out of place in my room, and nothing felt out of place as far as I could tell, and when Mother didn't come barging in after a few minutes I figured I had finally done it.
"HaHA! Take that, Mother! I can use my magic…" I flopped down onto my bed, sticking my tongue out at the ceiling. Mission accomplished, I thought smugly.
Wait.
I sat up abruptly, clutching my pillow to my chest. What if she had been watching me from the weaving room? What if she was watching me right now? Oh Bob, what if she knew?
PANICPANICPANICPANICPANICPANIC!!!!! Screamed part of my brain. The other half smacked it around a bit and then told it to shut up and be rational, for Bob's sake.
Okay, it was unlikely that mother had done that. She had been weaving the tapestry, and usually she didn't pay much attention to anything else when weaving. In fact, I could typically run a stampede of elephants through the house when she was weaving and mother wouldn't even notice.
But mother kept on coming in and yelling at you…whispered my mind. She was obviously not as focused. Who knows what she could have been doing in there?
Craaaaaaaaaap.
Well, I suppose before I get too far I should explain what the tapestry really is. 'The tapestry' is actually the fabric of time that all four of Mother's forms weave. It basically is a magical drapery, where every thread represented something that had happened in the Mortal Realm. Needless to say, there are hundreds of millions of threads, reporting everything from the Cataclysm to the death of a daisy.
Okay Megami, I thought, don't panic! All you have to do is go check up on mother in the tapestry room… You'll be able to tell if she was up to something. I calmed down somewhat. Get in, take a look, and get out. As easy as that. Feeling slightly as if I was in some bad spy movie, I snuck down the hallway to the room where the tapestry was. The door was open, but Mother wasn't in. I crept into the room and stood in front of the tapestry; it didn't feel like any magic had been done recently, so I relaxed. Mother wouldn't have been able to hide her magical signs from me; I was better then she was at tracking traces of magical residue. Besides, I could see the new part of the tapestry she had been weaving. Absentmindedly, I bent closer to study the tapestry; it was very beautiful to look at, if a bit boring in content.
That was when I noticed it. A thread that seemed to shift randomly, almost as if it couldn't decide what it wanted to be. I leaned in so I was about a centimeter away from the tapestry.
"Hel-LO big boy!" the thread chirruped, and—I swear I'm not lying—winked flirtatiously at me.
"Exc-cuse me?" I choked, then immediately grew angry. "What the hell are you talking about? I'm a girl, goddammit!" Privately, I wondered how I was going to explain this to Mother. Okay, I know she isn't always the most observant of people, but there was no way in hell she was going to miss a talking thread.
"Are you sure?" asked the thread, sounding disappointed. "I could have sworn you were a guy…"
"I-I…yo-you…"I spluttered angrily, not able to form a comprehensible sentence.
The thread brightened visibly, turning a bright pink. "I could make you into a guy. You'd make a very cute boy, lovey," it added, and it winked again. Don't ask me how.
I don't know what I looked like, but the thread tacked on hastily, "That is, if you want to be turned into a boy…"
"NO!" I shouted furiously. "NO! THAT'S-THAT'S JUST WRONG! NOT TO MENTION EXTREMELY DISTURBING!"
The thread managed to look sullen, turning a gray/blue color. "You don't have to get all riled up. Just think about the possibilities it would give yo-"
I turned red. "GET AWAY FROM ME, YOU NASTY, NASTY PERVERTED… THING!
"Hey, hey, hey!" the thread managed to sound miffed. "I'm a chaos thread. Get it right."
I nearly fell over. "No. Nononono. You can't be. It's not possible."
"Sorry, lovey. I am." the thread replied smugly.
"You don't understand." I said, my hands shaking. "See, the last time one of you showed up, the second Cataclysm happened. If Mother missed weaving you, something bad is going to happen." I carefully didn't mention the part that I had woven in the last chaos thread, figuring the perverted piece of string didn't really need to know.
"Your mother didn't weave me."
This time, I did fall over.
"That's not possible." I stated flatly. "You're lying. You have to be."
"No, lovey, I'm not." the thread answered. "Sorry to disappoint you. Must be awful shocking."
I suppose I should back up and explain a little. See, when a chaos thread is woven into the tapestry, it means that something bad is going to happen, it's going to happen soon, and Mother can't find out what it is. A chaos thread makes thing shift, so that she can see what might happen, but not what will. We have to leave everything up to the mortals, which doesn't always turn out the best. And if Mother hadn't seen it that meant something was really wrong. Mother wouldn't miss something like that.
"If Mother didn't weave you in," I said suspiciously, "then how did you get in there?"
"You put me in here, of course!" the thread replied happily. "What else do you think happened?"
Here curses that probably can't be described with a PG-13 rating came pouring out of my mouth. The thread wrinkled up its nose in disapproval, although how it achieved this without having a nose I can't really tell you.
"Naughty, naughty, naughty!" It scolded.
"Why meeeeeeeeeeeee?" I wailed head buried in my hands, "I didn't weave you in! I couldn't have put you in if I didn't weave anything! I was supposed to have fixed things, goddammit!"
"Oh, is that all you're upset about?" the thread asked. "Don't worry your pretty little head about it! I'll be leaving soon anyway."
I perked up. "Really? YEEEES! Then I did fix things!" I did a small victory dance around the room.
"I'm just here to make sure that the insanity threads will fit in the appointed space."
I stopped. "Come again?"
"I said," the thread repeated patiently, "that I'm just here to make sure that the insanity threads will fit in the appointed space." Dread filled me.
"And what," I asked carefully, "exactly is a 'insanity thread'?"
The thread gave the impression of a shrug. "It's a thread, that when woven into the tapestry makes…well, improbable, highly insane things happen. Ever read the Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy?" I nodded numbly. "It's like the improbability drive for the tapestry."
"Great. Just spifferific. Now I've got to deal with threads of insanity…" I muttered under my breath. "What next, gryphons doing stripteases?"
"Yes, well life is full of surprises." the thread replied. "And I can probably arrange the last comment, if you wish."
"EW! HELL no! Okay, just for even thinking about having a gryphon do that makes you a perverted fiend." I responded, shaking in disgust.
"Does your Mother know about what kind of language you use?" it inquired. I resisted the urge to chop it up into tiny pieces with a pair of scissors.
"We're getting off subject here." I growled in response. "Why don't you be a good little thread and help me out here?" The thread pulled off a befuddled expression. "Now why on earth would I want to do that?" Forget scissors, this thread was headed for a good wham with a large, blunt object. Or two. "Besides," it added, "What could you possibly need my help with?"
"How 'bout this: how do you get rid of them?" I retorted angrily.
The thread cleared its nonexistent throat. "Um. Well, see a improbability thread can't be removed until it feels like leaving…"
"You're impossible, you know that?"
"Uh...let me think," thread paused, looking thoughtful. "Yeah-no wait…yeah."
"I hate you."
"Can't we all just get along?" the thread cried plaintively. Not as long as you're here… I thought, envisioning the thread being woven into a pair of underwear. Nononono, Megami. Focus. Get rid of the problem. Then kill the thread.
"Are you sure they can't be removed?" I pressed. "Are you absolutely positive?"
"Yes, I'm sure. But it doesn't really matter all that much; you're not going to remember this anyway." the thread replied offhandedly.
"What?" I asked a bit stupidly.
"Oh yes," the thread chattered happily, "As soon as the improbability threads get here you're not going to remember a thing! Can't have something like that happen, of course."
"Tell. Me. What. You. Are. Talking. About." I spat out between gritted teeth.
"Or what?" taunted the thread.
"Or I'll have to use… THESE!" I whipped out a pair of scissors from behind my back and pointed them threateningly at the chaos thread. "Spill it, you ego-inflated piece of string!"
The thread eyed me with some misgiving. "Didn't your mother ever tell you not to play with scissors?" I made a funny growling noise. "Okay, okay! As soon as the insanity threads get here, you're going to lose all memory of this conversation and knowledge of me." I jabbed the scissors at it.
"More! What exactly are theses threads going to do?"
"Well, basically their going to look at the least probable things that would happen in this situation, and then make them take place. Kind of like you only multiplied by ten and on steroids." The last comment took a moment to minute to register in my brain.
"Hey!" I frowned. "Don't push your luck, buddy. Now, when are these things going to get here again?"
"Right about…now!" it grinned. "It was nice talking to you, dearie! Toodles!" The thread glowed brightly, and then disappeared.
"Wha-? What? Hey, no, come back here! I'm not done with you yet!" I yelled at nothing in particular. "You just can't leave me hanging like that!" When nobody answered me I deflated and glared irritably at the tapestry.
"Crap." I muttered. Funny, that seemed to be one of my favorite words lately. "Now what's going to happen?"
Us.
The voices echoed creepily in my head and I jerked in surprise. Whatever I had been expecting, it most definitely had not been that.
"Us…?" I repeated.
Yes. We are happening now.
"And who exactly are you again?" I asked, although I had a niggling little feeling that I already knew who it was.
We are the Threads of Insanity. We hope you have a nice day. The voices added.
Then everything went black, and the last thing I remember thinking was that this whole thing was way to clichéd for it's own good.
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Okay. There it is. Like it? Hate it? Want to burn it slowly and/or chuck it at a wall? Review, peoples! We live on those things :P