Chapter Three: In Which Megami Makes an Entrance
AN: Umm…Yes. This has actually been done for a while, but WE ARE LAZY, so we didn't put it up. Feel free to fling rotten vegetation at us now.
Disclaimer: Valdemar, Karal, Altra and all other trademark characters belong to Mercedes Lackey. We just stole—er, borrowed them for a little bit. Megami is copyrighted to Julie Heida and Krissy Rhyme. Attempts to steal her without permission (God knows why anyone would want to) will be met with The Spoon.
--
Off in a small room, two voices suddenly started to talk, echoing strangely. They were quiet, barely noticeable, seeming to come from a tapestry hanging on the wall. In fact, no one probably would have been able to hear them unless they had been standing right next to the hanging.
Improbability factor?
Thirty-three million, thirty five hundred thousand, four hundred forty-five to one.
Sounds good to me.
Insane giggling suddenly sounded from nowhere, shortly followed by a flash of purple light.
The room was silent once more.
--
I woke up in my room, with absolutely no memory of what I had just been doing. Blearily, I tried to think of something to do that would not involve getting my mom mad at me. My mind drew a complete and utter blank, so I started thinking of the next best thing. Something to do that would be fun enough that it wouldn't matter that Mother was mad at me. I thought about it for a minute, before the most utterly brilliant and insane idea hit me like a four-ton truck. I would go to the mortal world! A small part of me screamed in terror, but I managed to squash it down by reasoning that it would probably help me send the Skandranons back. Maybe. But even if it didn't, it would be the most fun I'd had since I put the frogs in everyone's soup! The small part of me pointed out that pulling that prank had gotten me grounded for two decades, but I ignored it.
Now, how to go about this in a way that wouldn't immediately scream to Mother what I had done? I could always just pop myself in...but that was not nearly interesting enough. But it was probably the only way mother wouldn't notice me leaving. I started thinking of the most impressive pop-in entrance I could make without Mother noticing. I could add smoke...and laser lights...and MUSIC! I began to plan, making my entrance more and more elaborate. I thought about the music. Star Wars, maybe... Or the Batman theme!
Or maybe Mister Rogers' song! But that might be a bit too scary. Definitely too scary, I decided. Maybe a disco song...? No, I decided, stick with
Star Wars or Batman. I started to laugh, as I thought of the perfect song to accompany my entrance. The Darth Vader theme!
"WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" I cackled evilly. But there was no reason to show myself right away, I decided as I popped out, carefully making myself invisible. This could, quite possibly, be the most fun I had ever had!
--
Selenay refrained from sighing. She was sick and tired of council meetings that went on forever and ever. Halfheartedly, she wished something urgent would come up so the council meeting would have to stop. She wanted to spend some more time with the twins. Lately, she had been neglecting to spend time with them. I wonder how long they were chickens... she thought randomly. Oh well, it doesn't matter. They're okay now.
"Your majesty, Bramben Cornal the merchant has a problem he wishes to discuss with you," one of the pages announced.
"Yes, yes. Send him in." Selenay replied tiredly. Great. More complaints to listen to.
"Your highness, I am standing before you today-" Here was where Selenay tuned out. A half a candlemark later the merchant finally got to his point. Selenay nearly cried with relief. She said a few sentences from her stash of useful phrases, and the merchant left. Yay.
"THHEEEEEEEEE SPOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON!" The doors to the council room burst open, and a young man dressed in blue came running in, screaming about utensils.
"What's this about spoons?" asked Selenay.
"I was standing there and there was a spoon and it went 'wham!' and it hit me on the heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!" the man babbled. Selenay rolled her eyes in exasperation. Why were there so many completely idiotic wusses in the palace?
"Who was holding the spoon, and why did they hit you?" she asked patiently
"I didn't do anything and a big metal spoon appeared in mid air and whacked me on the heaaaaaaaaaad!"
"Did anything else happen?" Selenay prodded. The man thought.
"Um... There was some fiendish cackling..."
"WHAM!"
"OOOOWWWWWW!"
"HEEHEEHEEHEE!"
"What the f-" Kerowyn broke off as Selenay glared at her.
"The spoon whacked me bum!" Selenay fell off her chair whilst Kerowyn tried to cover up her laughter by having a very fake coughing attack. "It did! It appeared in mid air and whacked me bum!"
"Of course it did." Selenay soothed the frightened man, struggling to get back into her chair.
"WHAM!"
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEK!"
"HEEHEEHEEHEEHEE!"
"Stop it right now! And whoever or whatever is doing this get your...butt out here this instant!" Kerowyn bellowed.
"Help me." muttered Selenay, slumping forward in her chair. "Dear gods, please help me..."
"Really?" the voice came from nowhere, and was obviously the same as the laughter's. "Just don't ask certain gods to help you. If you do, I might have to kill you."
"What?" was Selenay's oh-so-clever reply. The voice sighed in exasperation.
"Neeever mind. Honestly, mortals are so stupid."
"Hey!" Selenay exclaimed in surprise. "You're the voice who was talking to me about going insane!"
"Don't know what you're talking about." the voice replied. "Absolutely no idea whatsoever."
"Are you going to show yourself or not?" Kerowyn asked testily.
"Oh, I suppose I'll have to eventually, but for now I think this is much more fun. Don't you? Think I'll be going now though. Toodles!"
Talia blinked in surprise. "Well," she remarked to no one in particular, "That was interesting."
Happy voices filled the air, chattering aimlessly about this and that. The Skans stood around talking with the happy birthday boy,
Elden.
:And that's how we defeated Ma'ar: finished the oldest Skan triumphantly.
:No, no, you've got it all wrong: Protested the middle one. :This is how it really happened—:
:GAAAA! I can't stand you people arguing about my future! Talk about someone else's future for a change: the youngest yelled.
:Er, we defeated Falconsbane..: Elden offered hesitantly. :And Falconsbane was Ma'ar, I think...:
:How could he be Ma'ar? I killed Ma'ar: huffed the oldest Skan.
:What, so now its gone from 'we' to 'I': asked the youngest Skan in annoyance.
:Well, I am the oldest...: reminded the gryphon.
:Yes, but that doesn't make you the only one who killed him.: the middle Skan huffed.
:I was the first one to kill him.: said the old Skan in a way that hinted at his superiority.
"Fuck you." retorted the middle Skan in Kaled'a'in.
--
"Kiiior'io Hin'ich'i!" one of the gryphon said scathingly in a language Elden didn't understand. He blinked a couple times, shrugged, and decided not to ask.
:It was very nice talking to all of you.: he said politely, and then quickly left.
He strolled though his party, nodding at the losers trying to suck up to him. They should get a life. He thought, finally making his way up to where Kerowyn was seated.
"Hello dear." he said, giving her a kiss on the cheek.
"Isn't this a wonderful party? Everything is going perfectly. No surprises at this party!" AN: Nooo, we're not being obvious at all. We are so subtle you wouldn't even believe it... Kerowyn smiled up at him.
"Yes." she said simply.
--
:SKANDRANON: Yelled a 'voice', very, very loudly.
"AYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" All of them yelled together.
:What: the youngest yelped.
"You again?" Kero shouted. "Will you either go away or be visible?" Suddenly the room was filled with dark, eerie music, and smoke rose up from the floor. Strange lights flashed strangely in bright colors. The smoke started to clear, revealing a teenagish girl wearing an odd mixture of Tayladras, Shin'a'in and Karsite clothing. Her hair was a bright, almost glowing yellow and Elden was shocked to notice that her eyes were the same type of star spangled darkness that the Goddess had. A large metal spoon and a sword were strapped across her back.
"W-who are you?' he asked, dreading the answer. The girl turned slowly, rotating in place until she was facing him. Her eyes burned holes in his skull.
"I. Am. BATMAN!" the music grew louder with each word, and hen suddenly cut off as the words echoed strangely around the room. Elden and the girl stood there, frozen in place for a long time. The silence stretched unbearably, and Elden could see the girl's eyes crinkling up as her mouth twitched slightly at the corners.
"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" the girl burst out laughing, doubling over and Elden fell over in surprise. The girl made a visible effort to get a hold of herself, look around, and seemed to notice for the first time that everyone was staring at her.
"What? You all look as if you've never seen a Goddess before! Happy birthday, by the way." Elden blinked a few times, and then realized that the last part was directed at him.
"Um, thanks?" The total silence that had filled the room suddenly turned into an uproar of noise. The girl clapped her hands over her ears.
"Aiii!" Elden heard her say. "Shit, mortals sure are loud."
"Um, Batman?" he inquired hesitantly. "Did you say you were...a goddess?"
"Uh, yeah." She said Duhly. "What else would I be? And by the way, the name's
Megami. I was just kidding about the whole Batman thing."
"R-riiiiiiiight." replied Daren. "If you say so, your Holiness."
"Whom exactly," Selenay cut in before Megami could say any more, "Is Mother, anyway?" At this the girl actually looked sheepish.
"Ah, haha. Let's not get into that, shall we? And you. Call me 'Holiness' again and you die. Maybe twice." Elden decided to shut up and let Kerowyn deal with this...complication.
"Megami-it is Megami, right? Ah, good-what exactly do you want from us?" Selenay asked, remaining remarkably calm.
"Oh, right." Megami slapped her forehead. "I forgot! And I had a whole rant planned too... Eh, well. I'm here for these idiots." she gestured offhandedly at the Skans, who were huddled together in a ball on the floor.
:Ah, what about us: ventured the youngest.
"You are going to leave. As soon as possible. Or when I feel like it. Whichever comes first. Until then, I'll just hang around here and do whatever I want." she grinned. "Fun, huh!"
Kero slumped in her seat and buried her head in her hands. "Gods help us all..." she muttered. "We're going to need it."
--
Karal stared at the strange girl through Altra's eyes. He wondered who she was. She kind of reminded him of Vkandis.
"I. Am. BATMAN!"
Oh. He thought. Never mind, then.
:She's not Batman. She had better turn around this instant and get her sorry butt back where it belongs right now.: Altra did not sound very happy about this at all. :I will kill her. And then I'll tell her father, and he'll kill her. And then he--:
"Altra!" Karal cut in. "Be quiet! I'm trying to listen!" The girl was now saying something about the Skans and making them go back or some such nonsense -- Karal couldn't understand very well because he was at the back of the room.
:I KNEW it: Altra growled. :I knew I had felt some Sun power, but I thought I was losing my senses because Vkandis would never do something like that. Ohhh, her father is going to kill her, and then bring her back and kill her again, and then her mother is going to kill her several times and I'm going to kill her too --: Altra was beginning to dig his claws into Karal's lap (he was sitting at a table with a few Heralds) and it hurt.
"If you're through plotting her untimely demises" he hissed through gritted teeth, "Why don't you go make Skif into a pincushion, hmmm?"
:Sorry.: Altra said, not very convincingly, and let go. :But she is going to be so sorry that any inkling of a thought entered her--: Altra continued ranting, getting steadily louder until Karal was certain that anyone with Mindspeech could hear him. At this point, Altra had been raving on for about fifteen minutes, and had yet to tell Karal why he was so pissed off at the girl. Karal had quite enough of it, and he suspected the only way to get Altra to stop was to get him to actually talk to the girl. He muttered a quick prayer to Vkandis, and then stood up, dropping Altra ungracefully onto the floor. Which actually served him right, and Karal walked over to the girl. He grabbed her wrist, and she started, saw Altra, rolled her eyes, and allowed herself to be pulled to the nearest exit.
"Here you go Altra," said Karal, shutting the door of the council room. "Now you can chew this girl out. Happy?"
"Well, thanks a lot, Karal." she said sarcastically, making him sit down in surprise. "And weren't you listening? I'm Megami!"
:YOU: Altra burst out suddenly, :YOU—YOU IDIOT! DO YOU REALIZE WHAT
YOU'VE DONE:
"Uh, yeah. Duh. I sent three Skans to the future, tried to send them back, failed miserably and decided to would be easier from here. Duuuh!"
:YOU WILL BE KILLED! I WILL KILL YOU! AND THEN I'LL TELL YOUR
FATHER! AND HE WILL KILL YOU MANY, MANY TIMES:
"Don't forget about Mother." Megami added.
:YES! AND SHE WILL KILL YOU TOO! AND, AND...and...: Altra faltered.
"Niiiiiiiice." Megami commented, sitting down onto one of the council tables. "Yup, I'm really scared now." She snapped her fingers, and a steaming cup fell out of the air and landed in her hand. Calmly she lifted it up to her lips and sipped at it, somehow making it seem like she was sitting on a throne in a grand chamber, not sitting on a dusty table in a cold stone room.
"Oh, and by the way Altra, you're not telling Father. I happen to know about a few things you've done that Father would be quite...happy to know about." she said smugly between sips. Altra edged closer to Karal, seeming almost sheepish.
:I suppose you'll be found out and killed no matter what I do.: Altra grumped. Megami smiled, and Karal resisted the urge to back away from her. The grin she wore took up half her face, and she was smiling in a somewhat frightening way. He noticed nervously that she looked rather like a cat that had gotten away with something.
"Good. Now if you two gentlemen will excuse me, my adoring fans are waiting." Megami said regally before disappearing.
"So. Who is she? Exactly?" Karal asked. Altra sighed pathetically.
:She's the daughter of Vkandis and the Star Eyed...:
Silence.
"You're joking, right?" Karal asked dazedly.
:I wish I was. Unfortunately, she is most definitely their daughter. I've had to baby-sit her before.:
"Aren't Gods supposed to be more...Godlike?" he asked rather stupidly.
:Yes, but she's fifteen. What do you expect: Altra replied, and Karal could hear his tail swishing across the floor in annoyance.
"So we're stuck with a teenage goddess. What fun. When did she say she was leaving?" Altra sighed.
:Either when one of her parents finds out where she is, or when she gets bored and decides that somewhere else would be more interesting.:
"What about the Skans?"
:Oh, she'll probably do something about them eventually. But then again, she might not.:
"Goody."
:Yup.:
--
I needed to sleep. More to the point, I needed somewhere to sleep. I could of course have the nicest room in it palace if I chose, but that seemed way too boring. Besides, that meant that I wouldn't have anyone to annoy. I thought hard about this for a few moments. Who would be the funnest? Why, Altra, of course! But I couldn't just move into his room, because that wouldn't be nearly as fun. I thought a little more, then decided on his closet. Waitaminute. I frowned. Altra was a cat, albeit a magical one. He didn't have a room. But he did have that kid he'd been with, and the kid would probably have a room. And that meant he would have a closet too! I would have to remodel a little, of course, and I'd have to put his stuff somewhere, but it would be perfect! Now I just had to find out where his room was... I decided to ask someone. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a herald trainee round the corner. Good enough, I decided.
"Hey! You!" I shouted at him. The trainee looked around nervously.
"Who? Me?" he asked.
"Yeah." I told him "where's Altra's kid's room?"
"Karal's room?"
"Yeah. Sure."
"Um... I think it's over by the library somewhere." he responded helpfully.
"And that's... where?" I asked impatiently. Honestly, mortals can be so dumb!
"Down the hall and to the left."
"'Kay, great." I muttered as I walked away. The trainee blinked once or twice, trying to figure out whom the heck he had just talked to and why her hair was glowing. I smirked.
An hour later I was still wandering around the palace trying to find Karal's room, and out of a lack of food had began to hallucinate.
"Hello," I said to a passing rhinoceros. "Would you happen to know where a goddess can get some food and Karal's room around this place?" The rhinoceros snorted at me, turned into a penguin and flew away. I smiled at it, and walked straight into the monstrous petunia that had sprouted in front of me. "Hi, what's your name?" I asked it. The petunia gave me a weird look.
"Yuiop," it said, as if I was the weirdest thing it had seen in its life.
"YOU'RE SO KIYUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUTE!" I squealed, latching onto the petunia and hugging it. The petunia turned an interesting shade of blue.
"YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!" it shouted in surprise.
"CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUTEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" I gave the petunia a noogie. Suddenly it sprouted bright yellow tentacles and started stuffing them in my ears. I giggled, thinking it was playing some sort of obscure petunia game with me. The tentacles were kind of ugly though, so I waved my hand and turned them into blaze orange bunny slippers.
Much better! I thought cheerfully, turned to walk away and ran into a rather large stonewall. This rather hurt, so I decided to fall over. I contemplated passing out a little bit, but decided against it. The wall chose that exact moment to fall down on me. I reconsidered passing out. This time I decided it would be a good idea. When I came to, I hurt, and I was very hungry. I was basically a big hungry bruise.
I decided to get something to eat.
I called up a bowl of pasta, and dug in. "Megami?" I looked up to see Karal and Altra walk around the corner.
"Hi!" I said cheerfully. "How is my head?"
"What?" Asked Karal, looking confused.
"My head," I explained. "It feels like it's a balloon. How big does it look?"
"It looks normal to me." he said. "What did you do to make it feel like that?"
"I ran into the wall and it fell on me." I replied, gesturing vaguely at the wall, which was, strangely, still standing. I frowned at it.
:Reaaaaaaaaaaally.: said Altra, giving me this look. :The wall fell on you.:
"Yup!" I nodded furiously. "That was right after I ran into the big cute petunia!"
:A petunia.: Altra stated flatly. :You ran into a petunia in the hallway:
"Uh huh! It was really big and cute, but then it sprouted tentacles so I turned them into bunny slippers. Then the wall fell on me so I passed out. It seemed like the polite thing to do," I explained.
"Here, Megami." Karal gave me a hand up. "I think you need to lie down and rest for a while."
"Rest? That means sleep, right? Yeeeeeeeaaah, that's what I was gonna do, but then there was this rhino and…Yeah," I finished, seeing the weird looks both Karal and Altra were giving me.
"What's a rhino?' Karal asked. "Is it some kind of bird?"
"No, its sort of a big... thing. Like an elephant, only smaller, and with a horn on its nose."
"Oh... Of course." Karal nodded his head, pretending he knew what I was talking about. I looked at him skeptically, and then decided it didn't matter anyway. "You mentioned sleep, right?" I asked.
"Yes." He took my arm gently and began to lead me down the hallway. "You can go rest in the Healer's Dorm."
"The whata what?" I asked, slightly alarmed. "Don't I get a room? You got one, right? So where's mine?"
"Um..." Karal blinked. "Well, I guess we never really figured you would need a room, being a goddess and all."
"Like hell!" I answered. "Helloooooo, why would I not want someplace I can get decent stuff without making mother kill me for corrupting your precious culture or whatever she's always going on about when I try to give you people something civilized?"
"Don't worry, I'll get you a room." Karal assured me hastily.
"Good. Where is it?"
"Well, I haven't got it yet, but if you'd like to go sleep for a while, I can get you one by the time you wake up." He explained patiently.
"If I can't sleep in my own room I'll have to sleep in yours," I informed him pleasantly. "So where is your room, anyway?" Karal looked like he would never want someone as insane as me anywhere near his room, but then started walking. "This way," he said over his shoulder. Several hallways and a few doors later, we reached a room.
"Eeeyuk!" I exclaimed, making a face. "Who would want to live in here?" Karal gave me a deadpan look.
"That would be my room." he responded dryly.
"Aha! Ahahahaha..." I laughed guiltily. "Did I say that? 'Cuz what I really meant was, um, who wouldn't want to live in this room?" Karal cast his eyes heavenward and walked into the room, Altra padding along beside him. I trailed in after him, creeping around the room. "Hey, I like that altar. That is a niiice altar." I piped up hopefully, trying to recover my lost graces.
"My bed is in there," Karal told me. "I'm going to take care of getting you a room. You can move into your own room as soon as I get back."
I waited until he and Altra had left, and then went into the next room. It was depressingly boring, but there was a bed, and I decided to go to sleep before I passed out. I woke up to Altra was sitting on my stomach.
:Karal's in the other room waiting for you to wake up.: he informed me in a way that made it obvious that he would have just woken me and kicked me out.
"Thanks a bunch," I muttered blearily, still half asleep.
:You are quite welcome.: Altra replied primly. :Now go let Karal show you your own room.:
"Mmmmmm." I mumbled, stood up, fell over, and decided to stay where I was. The floor was awfully cold, though.
:Come on: Altra snapped annoyingly. :Karal's waiting:
"Sure." I muttered. "I'll fix it mom, I swear."
:Stop muttering that nonsense and come on: Altra told me, poking my hand with his claws.
"All right, all right! Jeez." I stumbled over to the door and threw it open. Altra slithered around my feet and ran over next to Karal.
Karal looked over at me. "Do you always look like that when you get up?" he asked skeptically.
"No. Sometimes I actually look alive." I retorted sharply. "Where do you people keep the coffee around here?"
"Coffee?" Karal asked blankly.
I stared at him in disbelief. "You don't have COFFEE!" I shrieked. "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!"
"It was your choice to come here you know. You could have just stayed where you do have coffee," Karal told me. "But if you'd like, I can get you some chava, and you can actually try something different."
I frowned at him. "No."
He shrugged. "Have it your way."
I growled at him, turned, growled at Altra, and stomped back into his room.
:Megami: Altra shouted at me. :GET BACK HERE! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO
GO TO YOUR ROOM:
Oops. I opened the door, stomped back out and sat down on the floor. Altra gave me a weird look. :What was the point of that: he asked. :Did you have a point there at all:
I looked away. "Keh. Stupid mortals." I muttered irritably. So damn nosy all the time.
Karal blinked confusedly. "Would you like to go to your room?" he asked slowly.
I thought about this for a moment. "Shuuuuuuuuuur," I decided.
"This way." Karal escorted me down a hall and to the left. We stopped in front of an extremely expensive looking door, and I opened it cautiously. Inside was probably the most expensive suite in the palace.
I found it depressingly, horrendously boring.
The whole thing was decked out in velvet and silk, all in bright, festive colors that clashed horrendously. Experimentally, I sat down on the bed and immediately sunk into the middle of it. I bounced a bit, but it was too cushy to be very springy. Karal watched for a bit, then left.
"Waitaminute" I wailed, upon discovering I couldn't get out. "HELP ME!" The door was already shut though, and no sound could get through it. I yelled a bit more, then gave up and went back to sleep.
--
Um…Yeah.