17

The whole trip back to Coruscant, Anakin sat in his starfighter. He made no attempt to get out. He knew that if he left the small craft, Obi-Wan would find him…

And then…

Anakin sighed. He had no idea how to explain to his former mentor what happened to him. Obi-Wan felt the anger, felt the dark side coursing through him, for sure. There was no way that he would not have. Reason told Anakin that he most likely would not be expelled from the Order right away, but the disciplinary actions that would be taken against him would not be kind. Maybe he would even be stripped of his all-too-recently gained Knighthood.

Shortly after the assault ship entered hyperspace, Anakin leaned forward in his cockpit and put his face in his hands. Even thinking about being back at the Temple, surrounded by Jedi, brought tears to his eyes.

Never in his dreams did he think he could kill a Jedi.

A dark one, perhaps…but not…

For a few minutes he sat there and cried, unable to even finish the thought to its logical conclusion.

It's all the Jedi's fault…it's their fault… a voice whispered Palpatine's words in the back of his mind.

No, it's my fault. I killed them.

But you liked it. You wanted to do it, the other part of himself said.

No.

Anakin groaned frustration and hit his fist against the console. A metal switch jutting out of it jabbed him painfully as he did so, catching him off guard.

"Ouch!" Anakin rubbed the side of his hand against his leg to soothe the pain. He stopped when he realized he almost let his anger get the best of him again.

"What is wrong with me?" he asked to no one in particular. "What in the blazes is wrong with me?"

He leaned forward again, putting his hands on the side of his head.

Just then, he felt someone else enter the hangar bay. It was Obi-Wan searching for him. Anakin sank into his seat, and using the Force, he tried to hide himself. Obi-Wan scanned the hangar another second then decided that either Anakin was not there, or that it was not the best of times to talk to him, so he turned and left the hangar bay.

Letting out a heavy sigh, Anakin decided that it was best if he sank into hibernation. The Masters would still be able to feel him, but they would leave him alone. Plus, a hibernation trance would put all the thoughts threatening to make him crazy at bay. There would be peace, even if it was temporary.

Anakin leaned out and sank into the Force. He let it flow through every part of him, relaxing his body. Within a few minutes, he faded from consciousness, carried away by the Force. His breathing slowed and he hardly appeared alive to the untrained eye.

However, it was not as peaceful as he thought it would be. Jedi usually do not sense anything while hibernating, but Anakin sensed much.

He could feel Master Yoda, meditating back at the Temple. What he pondered, Anakin could not say. However, brushing the wise old Master made Anakin feel more at peace. Perhaps Yoda knew he was troubled.

The Force nudged him in another direction, and suddenly he was surrounded by the youthful innocence of younglings. They were most always happy; every time Anakin encountered them he left with a smile on his face. Maybe, one day soon, he would help the Masters in instructing the younglings. Anakin thought he would like that very much – to help give them such a great opportunity that he himself almost did not have.

As he drifted through the Force with them, he found their joy infectious. In his trance, he smiled.

Yes, there was always peace in the Force.

Anakin floated out of the Temple, leaving the younglings behind. He could feel himself going in Padmé's direction. Even from this far away, her light in the Force shone like a beacon to him. It was his place of comfort in the waking world.

Something nagged at him and he turned back to the Temple.

Usually, in a Jedi hibernation trance, Jedi do not feel anything. A vision is even rarer. Yet when Anakin went back to the Temple, it was very much a vision.

Smoke billowed from the Temple. All but one of the five tall spires on the top had been knocked down. In fact, it was this sole spire that allowed Anakin to regonize it as the Temple. The whole construction had come down on itself.

Death. Fright. Betrayal.

All radiated from the Temple. There was no anger from any of the Jedi, however.

Except from one Jedi.

Himself.

Anakin's eyes flew open and he gasped for breath. There was no way…he couldn't possibly… He was a good person.

A good Jedi.

Except when you decided to kill them all, the dark part of him thought.

The memory of what he did during the battle came back, and it was too much for him. In an instant he decided he needed to go somewhere – anywhere but here with Jedi around him.

He powered up the craft, and spoke to R4.

"R4…where are we?"

The droid blipped back at him as if to say "How should I know?" Anakin rolled his eyes.

"Well, ask the main ship computer."

R4 beeped in response, as if that were the obvious solution and he would have done it anyway.

"Right…" Anakin trailed off. He shook his head.

Using the starfighter's communications system, R4 locked onto the navicomp of the assault ship. He beeped a few times at Anakin.

"Coruscant…good. We're leaving," Anakin responded solidly. He needed no more persuasion, so he buckled his harness.

R4 let out a screech.

"Don't you worry about how we'll get out of here. Leave that to me."

R4 whined.

Anakin ignored the droid.

Through the Force, he found the controls for the hangar bay door. Delicately, he focused on their controls, and triggered them so that the doors would open. Next he centered on the shield in the area, and put it out of commission. At least he did no actual damage to the Republic ship. Anakin figured that given his actions in the past day it was good thing.

Without further delay, Anakin powered up the starfighter's repulsorlifts and left the hangar bay. He flew down to Coruscant, flying in the direction that would take him to Padmé's the fastest.

On the way back to Coruscant, Mace and Obi-Wan hardly spoke. There was nothing to say. The Jedi lost the battle. They both knew they did all they could, they had been hideously outnumbered. Not even the most powerful Jedi could have beaten the Separatists under those conditions.

If Captain Tarkin was any clue to how the rest of the Republic would act, it was not a good sign. The whole return trip he said nothing to the Jedi. They could sense that he thought they did not do all they could. In his hands, he believed, he would have been able to save the outcome and have given the Republic a victory.

Obi-Wan took a ragged breath and tried not to dwell on it. As he did so, he felt Anakin. So far, he had not seen the boy anywhere. He even checked the hangar bay, where his starfighter was, but there was no sign of him.

"Sir!" one of the crew called out. "There's a starfighter, it's leaving!"

"What?" Tarkin turned to the man.

"One of the Jedi starfighters, sir. It's left the ship!"

Tarkin looked back to the Jedi. Mace stared at Obi-Wan, who shrugged. He offered no explanation. Tarkin had no need for one, and Mace already knew.

Anakin had left, terribly confused and in a lot of pain.

Anakin flew through Coruscant, intentionally taking a route that would keep him away from the Temple as much as possible. As he got close to Padmé's though, it was impossible. From her apartment, it was visible with a little bit of squinting.

To his relief, it was not in shambles. The Temple stood strong, all five spires still reaching high into the Coruscant atmosphere.

Letting out the breath he had been holding, he piloted the craft down and landed it. After turning off the power, he leaned forward and put his head in his hands. Sluggishly, he got out of the fighter.

Padmé was here. She could help.

Up at her door, he knocked lightly a couple times. At first there was no answer, and a tremor of panic went through Anakin. If she was not there, he had no idea what he would do.

He knocked again. This time she answered.

"Anakin?" Padmé asked in disbelief. Then realizing that he was in fact there, she exclaimed "Anakin!"

Padmé ran over to him, and grabbed him in a tight hug, squeezing him so that he could barely breathe. He pressed her as close to him as he could, her warmth flooding him. Taking a deep breath he pressed his eyes shut and tried to banish thoughts of the Jedi from his mind.

"I was so worried about you – the attack – it's all over the holonets – blast! I'm so glad you're here, I can't believe you're here!" she stammered, giving him another bone crushing squeeze.

"Shh, shh. I'm here. I…could be a lot better but I'm here."

"What are you talking about?"

He only shook his head. When she realized he wasn't going to answer she leaned her head against his chest. Without understanding how, she knew that something had gone very wrong but she knew better than to force it out of him.

"I don't ever want to leave you," he said suddenly. "This is the only place I have left. You're the only person I have."

"What? Don't be silly," she replied, her voice smothered against his chest.

"I'm serious."

"Anakin…" she trailed off, pulling away from him slightly.

"Please. Don't leave me," he said, his voice cracking.

At the same time he pulled her back to him. Unsure of him, she rested uneasily against him. As he held her, he felt everything welling up.

"I panicked during the battle. I completely lost control – I don't even know how it happened. I killed Jedi, Padmé. Jedi."

With the last word he broke down completely. Standing there in her doorway, with her in his arms, he began to sob. Anakin leaned his head down, resting his cheek against the side of her head.

Anakin gushed, "I was just flying around, and then suddenly everything went wrong. I don't even really remember how it happened, just that when I blew this one Jedi to bits I finally snapped out of it and I realized what I was doing. Something's wrong with me, Padmé. Something's really wrong."

Not sure of what to do, Padmé tried to pull him closer. She rested her forehead on his chest and out of instinct gave him a couple kisses there. Earlier that afternoon, she felt that something bad had happened to Anakin. She couldn't explain how, she was not sensitive to the Force, but nonetheless she knew it.

Now that he was here, she had no idea how to help him.

"I killed part of my family," he muttered again. His eyes were wide and raw, staring into the distance at something he saw in his memory.

Padmé glanced up at him, an idea coming to her.

"You should talk to Obi-Wan. I'm sure he'd help you."

Anakin shook his head. "No. I can't go to him."

"Why not?"

"He wouldn't understand. He would only lecture me."

"He can help you…he knows more about the Force than I do, and he cares about you," she countered.

"Don't you lecture me too." Anakin glanced down at her, his brows furrowed and his jaw set.

"I'm not lecturing you. I'm worried about you." Padmé pulled back from him a little bit, to look him in the eye. "You've been more and more troubled, I can tell something's eating at you. And it all started when you got back from Tatooine."

Anakin's eyes narrowed, and without realizing it one of his hands tightened his grip on her arm.

"I'm worried about you, Anakin," she said again. "I only want to help you."

She made no acknowledgement of the fact that he was now squeezing her arm rather tightly, instead steadily looking him in the eye. As he took in her words, Padmé noticed his features soften and felt his body relax.

"I only want you to be happy," she whispered.

"Then let me just be with you."

Putting his hand on the back of her neck, Anakin leaned down and kissed her. After a second, when she broke it off, he kissed her again.

"Being with you is the only peace I have. Please don't take that away from me," he whispered to her.

Pamdé looked at him.

His eyes were still red and puffy from crying, but somehow they looked innocent again, not full of the anger of a few minutes ago. Tracks from where his tears fell down his face were visible. She could feel the confusion and fear coming from him; it was enough to make her heart feel as though it were breaking.

As she stood there he looked into her eyes, his blue ones searching hers.

Something about that look carried her away. Without thinking she kissed him, harder than she ever had before.

For a second, Anakin was caught completely off guard by Padmé's kiss. As she pressed herself against him, though, he was swept away by her. He wrapped his arms around her as tightly as he could, and moved to step inside her apartment. After he successfully navigated the doorway for the both of them, he used the Force to shut the door. He did not want to take one arm away from her for a second.

Even just a few minutes of being with Padmé made Anakin's troubles disappear. With her, he was able to push the image of the burning Temple out of his mind. The thought that he killed Jedi in anger was something he could deal with later.

Everything could be dealt with later.

All that mattered was being with Padmé.

As he kissed her again, he felt the Force surge through him. This time it went through him stronger than any other time when he was with Padmé. Tonight every part of him was attuned to her, nothing could break it.

Tonight there would be no holding back for him.