Chapter Four: In Which Megami is Mean to Eskanaba and Moves Out of Her Room

AN: It's official. We suck. A lot. Long story short: Krissy's computer ate everything, and then we wept SALTY TEARS OF WOE. And Julie moved a kajillion miles (read: like, forty hundred and fifty) away to Bemidji. And Krissy cried salty tears of woe. Again.

Disclaimer: Valdemar, Karal, Altra and all other trademark characters belong to Mercedes Lackey. We just stole—er, borrowed them for a little bit. Megami is copyrighted to Julie Heida and Krissy Rhyme. Attempts to steal her without permission (God knows why anyone would want to) will be met with The Spoon.

--

I was asleep. It was rather nice. But then I woke up. Which really wasn't so nice.

"Hello." Someone said.

"Whaaa...?" I replied intelligently, still trying to figure out why I wasn't asleep.

"Are you Megami?" the person inquired politely.

"Yeees," I replied, trying to figure out why they would care. "Why?"

"My name is Eskanaba, and I'm going to be your servant for the rest of your stay here." The person replied, and I blinked at him fuzzily.

"Eskabana?"

"Eskanaba." He corrected.

"Eskanaaaaaaaaaaaaaba!" I replied happily.

"Yes. That's right."

"Naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaba!" "Mmhmm." Eskanaba responded tolerantly, as one might a happy drunk.

"I can't get up," I told him conversationally, trying to sit up and sinking into the bed.

"Let me help you," He offered, extending a hand. I blinked at if a few times, then grabbed it. He pulled me rather quickly, and I fell over. I landed on the floor rather than the bed though, so I was able to get up by myself, ignoring the hand that Eskanaba had once again extended.

"Thaaaaaaaaaaaaanks buddy. Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaah. Ya got any coffee?"

"No..." he replied, looking a bit unsure. "But I might be able to get some..."

"Cool! Go, fast, now! Now! Go!" I made shooing motions at him with my hands, pushing him towards the door. "You're losing time--HOOOOOOOOLY CRAP."

As he opened the door, I saw the people outside of it. Lots of them.

Once they saw me, a great cry went up and they all fell to the ground on their knees and began to pray. Or at least, that's what it looked like. A mild feeling that was something akin to panic over took me.

"What the hell?" I demanded, glaring at Eskanaba, who couldn't get through the mass of people to get my coffee. "Who the hells are these people?"

"Um. I don't know."

"Well get them to go away! Or get me coffee. Whichever comes first."

"Good. Go. Now. Run. Faster." I shoved him out into the mass of people, and slammed the door shut. There arose a great cry from the people outside. "A SACRIFICE TO THE GODDESS!" I heard someone yell, shortly followed by Eskanaba asking politely if they could please not point the sword at his throat because it was making him rather uncomfortable. I wondered if I should maybe go see if this would delay my coffee, but decided that Eskanaba was probably getting the people to go away first. Several screams, muted grumbling, loud cursing and five minutes later Eskanaba appeared with a tray, looking slightly harassed.

"I told them I was your priest." He said, setting the tray down. "I hope you don't mind."

"That depends, did you get rid of them?" I asked, peering suspiciously at the tray.

"Yeah. I said that if they didn't leave, you were going to turn them all into green mold."

"Oooh, are there any still out there? That would be fun!"

"Um..." He looked thoughtful. "Maybe one or two. I'm not sure."

"Yay!" I ran out the door, looking for any leftover people that I could turn into mold. Sure enough, there was a skanky looking guy lurking outside of my doorway. "WOOT!" I shouted at him, trying to turn him into green mold. Unfortunately, it didn't quite work, and he made a sort of strangled popping noise before turning into a pile of blue and yellow mushrooms.

"Dammit." I muttered.

"Eep!" Eskanaba, who had followed me out, squeaked from behind me.

"That wasn't supposed to happen," I assured him. "I was trying to turn him into mold."

Eskanaba eeped again, and started to tun an interesting shade of yellow.

"Coffee now!" I declared, and swept back into my room. I took the cup that was on top of the tray, and took a drink. "Bleeaaaaaaaaah..." I made a face, and spat it onto the floor. "What the hell is this? It's not coffee!"

"It's coffee!" Eskanaba looked slightly frightened.

"Is it really?" I stared at him. " ARE YOU SURE?"

"Yees..."

I shrugged. "Whatever then." He gave me an odd look, and I chugged down the rest of the so-called coffee.

"Let's go destroy something!" I declared randomly, pointing out the window.

"I really don't think that's such a good idea..."

"But why not? It would be fun!"

"I have...other stuff I need to do."

I frowned at him. "I thought you were supposed to be my servant!"

"Yes. Well..."

"Well what! Are you mine or not?"

"That was a mildly disturbing sentence in more ways then one." He remarked serenely.

"Shut up! Jerk. I'm gonna go destroy something." I stuck my tongue out at him and stalked out through the wall.

"Try not to kill anyone!" I heard him call faintly.

Ha. Fat chance.

"Megami!" someone called.

"Whatsit?"

"I AM A RANDOM PERSON!" they declared, and ran away.

"WOOO!" I yelled, running after them.

"ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS MY TWO FRONT TEETH!" They sang happily.

I twitched, and a pair of teeth fell on their head.

"Yay!"

Having done my good deed for this person, I went off to find something to destroy.

"Heh heh heh." I cackled to myself.

"Your Holiness!" Someone else yelled at me.

"Wha...buh?" I turned around. "Me?"

The person looked slightly confused. "Of course you," he said. "Who else would be referred to as 'Holiness?'"

"My mom."

"But your mom isn't here!"

"Yeah, well...so?"

Since the guy had first yelled at me, a thought had been trying to push its way into my head. "HEY!" I yelled as it finally made it in. "Didn't you hear me when I said that if people called me 'Holiness' I would kill them? Maybe twice?"

"No!"

"Oh." I considered this. "Well I did. So now I have to kill you. Twice."

"Well, crap." the guy said.

"Don't worry." I told him reassuringly. "I'll bring you back afterwards. Probably."

"Okay then!"

"Well, as long as you're okay with that..." I twitched an elbow, causing a giant bunny rabbit to fall on the guy. SQUOOSH! Went the guy. I snickered at the funny sound. The bunny then hopped away and disappeared, and I brought the guy back to life. "Wasn't that fun?" I asked him.

The guy looked at me. "Not really..." he said uncertainly.

"Of course it was! Let's do it again." I responded, completely ignoring the guy.

The guy looked frightened, and started backing away slowly.

"Oh, come on. It wasn't that bad!"

"But I have to, ah..." He looked over his shoulder. "My mom is calling me!"

"Oh. Well. Fine then." I made shooing gestures at him. "Go away."

He bolted, almost falling over as he tried to run one way when his feet were still pointing the other.

"Moms are absolutely nutters. Time for more coffee!" I declared, looking around to see if any was immediately available. Unfortunately, there wasn't, so I waltzed back to my room to see if Eskanaba still had some. When I got there however, Eskanaba was missing.

"...dammit." Maybe I could find him somewhere. Or at least find some coffee. I decided to go look.

Maybe if I went to the kitchens I could find some coffee! I wondered where the kitchens were.

Getting frustrated with my lack of knowledge about everything, I swore at a nearby wall. The wall ignored me.

"FINE." I said and walked through it. Just because I could. Amazingly enough, on the other side of the wall was a kitchen.

"Yay!" I clapped my hands together in excitement. A cook type person gave me a strange, slightly frightened look

"Hullo!" I said. "Do you have any coffee? And if not, have you seen Eskanaba?"

"I... think I can get you some coffee..."

"Fer reals?"

"Y-yeesss"

"Okay then. Go go quick like a bunny!"

The cook type person gave me one last weird look, then turned around and wandered off.

I followed him, for a lack of anything better to do.

He went over to a random counter, putzed around for a bit, then went somewhere else and got a cup.

"Is that for me?" I asked with interest.

"It's so SHINNNY."

"Yes." he informed me, going back to the first place.

"Oh goodie!"

The chef guy poured something into the cup that looked vaguely coffee-like and smelled vaugely coffee-like and handed it to me. "Here you go." he said.

"COFFEE!" I shrieked, grabbing it away from him and chugging it down.

"WOOOOOoooo yeah thanks!" I handed the cup back to him. "MORE NOW!" He looked rather like he wanted to run away, but took the cup back and refilled it.

"Hee hee heeeeeee..." I cackled. "Coffeeeeeee...hey, that rhymes!"

"Um... yes it does?" the chef cook replied uncertainly.

"Well, thanks. Pal. Buddy. Friend o' me heart." I patted him on the back. "Laddy."

"Megami? What are you doing in here?" Eskanaba asked, walking through a door that I hadn't noticed.

"I'm getting acquainted with Laddy here. I think I'm going to adopt him."

Laddy made an eeping noise.

"He likes me!" I exclaimed happily. "See? He's wetting himself with joy!"

"Megami, maybe you should think about not adopting him." Eskanaba suggested.

"Okay!" I agreed and nanced away.

"Why are you walking funny?"

"Because it's national talk like a pirate day!"

"I don't think it is... and what does talking like a pirate have to do with walking funny?"

"Well, nothing really." I admitted. "But that's not the point!"

"I see..." Eskanaba nodded sagely.

"Do you think we could take a pot of coffee back with us to my room?" I asked wistfully.

"I suppose."

"YAY!"

I snatched the pot of coffee and headed back through the wall towards my room.

I heard Eskanaba sigh behind me.

I briefly wondered why, but decided it wasn't important and waltzed down the hall to my room.

A little while later he showed up, looking mildly disgruntled.

"What's the matter Eskie?" I asked him interestedly

"Nothing. And don't call me Eskie."

"Whyever not?"

"Because.

"Because why? C'mon, nobbie, you can tell me!"

"I. Don't. Like. Nicknames."

"Oh. Well why didn't you just say so?"

He grunted. "Here's your coffee."

"Thank you ever so much!"

"So. Uh." I rubbed my hands together. "I was thinking about, oh...y'know...moving into Karal's closet."

Eskanaba blinked at me. "Why?"

"I don't like this room. And I like his. So. Yeah."

"But isn't his closet kind of... small?"

"Well, I can fix that, silly."

"Ah. And how does he feel about this?"

"I'm sure he'll love it."

"Well I guess I can't stop you then, can I?" Eskanaba looked as if he might want to panic.

"Nope." I agreed. "Isn't that just great?"

"Oh, it's wonderful. Do you need me, or can I go lie down?"

"I need you more than anything ever." I informed him. "Let's go." He groaned a bit, but followed me out into the hall. "So, where am I going again?" I asked. "This way?"

"Krms thswy," Eskanaba answered, pointing the other direction.

"What was that?"

"It's this way," he told me sullenly.

"ONWARDS!" I cried. I set off down the hall, Eskanaba trailing along behind me. It was a long, arduous journey where I fell down a lot and Eskanaba tried to delay things by talking to everyone he saw. Finally though, we arrived at Karal's room.

"Ta-da!"

"Ta-da? Ta-da what?"

"Ta-da we're here!"

"Oh. Does that mean we can leave?"

"No. Silly." I gave him a noogie.

He winced. "Can you just get this over with then?"

"OHOHOHOHO." I bellowed, and walked through the door.

There was no one inside, so I went directly to the closet to see what I should do with it.

:Hey:

"What?" At least I had thought there was no one in the room...

Altra appeared out of nowhere!

"What are you doing?" Karal asked, stepping out from behind a large wooden thing.

"Oh. Uh. Moving into your closet?"

He raised an eyebrow. "Why?"

Beeecause?"

:And what are you going to do with the stuff already in there: Altra demanded, glaring at me.

I shrugged. "Put it somewhere else, I guess."

:Where:

"In my old room!"

:That's an awfully long way for Karal to walk whenever he wants his things.:

I waved my hand irritably. "Then I'll make a door to it, okay? Geez."

"But why my closet?" Karal asked plaintively

"It's a very nice closet. And it's blue!"

"What does the color have to do with it? It's tiny!"

"I just happen to like the color blue. A lot."

"It's still tiny!"

"Didn't we go over this already? I can fix that."

"But it's my closet!"

"ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGG!"

"Well it is..."

"Okay, executive decision: I am taking your closet. End of story."

"That's hardly fair!"

"Nyah nyah." I stuck out my tongue. "Sucks to be you!"

"But do you have to just take it? Couldn't you at least ask or something?"

"Hmmm. I suppose. Karal, can I please, please, PLEASE have your closet?"

"I guess you can..."

"YAAAAAY!"

I ran into the closet, and promptly transformed it into a room. With a fuzzy blue squishy thing in it. Because it's cute.

"Geh." Karal said piteously.

I turned around and smiled at him. "Problem?"

:Golly gee wiz, no.: Altra answered for him sarcastically.

"Good." I turned around to consider my new room. It needed a bed. And some coffee!

The bed was fairly easy, but the coffee needed something to be in. Like a mug!

"Mug mug." I chanted, and one appeared in my hand shortly followed by some coffee. I drank it, then squinted at the mug to see if there would be more. Obligingly, it filled again.

"You are so weird." Eskanaba commented.

"No, YOU'RE so weird!" I told him.

"I suppose so."

"Hey! Jerk!"

Eskanaba smiled and shook his head.

"What's that supposed to mean!" I demanded.

"Nothing." He raised his hands in defense. "Doesn't your room need something else? Like, oh, a window?"

I scowled at him, and waved my hand, causing one of my walls to be completely covered in windows.

:That's just lovely.:

I turned to look at it. "It is, isn't it?"

"Just...just don't do anything you can't fix, okay?" Karal asked desperately.

"What should i name my new hamster?" I asked him.

"Um?"

:...what's a hamster: asked Altra.

"THIS!" I popped one into being and shoved it in his face. "And no eating her!"

"Ah. Uhm. Keina?"

I frowned a bit. "No."

"Is it a boy or a girl?"

"A girl! Duh! That's why I told Altra not to eat HER!"

"Oh. Right."

"Soooo, what should I name her?"

Altra said something rude, which I ignored.

"How about Gertrude?" Eskanaba suggested.

"You have got to be joking."

"Oh." he looked rather depressed about it for some reason.

"What's your problem?"

"Nothing." he muttered, looking at his feet and turning bright red.

"LIAR!" I poked him. "TELL ME TELL ME TELL ME TELL ME!"

"Eep!"

"Come on! We're practically best buddies!"

"Since when?"

"Since now. Spill!"

"Aren't you forgetting about your hamster?" He asked desperately.

"Meh. We'll worry about that later." I said dismissively.

"Why not now"

"Because we're worrying about you!"

"You don't have to worry about me! I'm fine!"

"Fine. FINE."

"Are you quite done with my closet now?" Karal asked.

"You may go."

"What?"

"You can go away now."

"And what if I don't want to?"

I frowned. "Then you can stay, of course. But it's not going to be very interesting."

"What are you going to do?" He asked suspiciously.

"Sleep."

:Like bloody hell you're going to sleep: Altra said, glaring at me.

"Damn, you caught me."

:So what are you going to do about it:

"Nothing." I shrugged. "Let's go somewhere else."

He peered suspiciously at me. :Where:

"Well, she hasn't seen any of the other parts of the palace yet." Karal said. "You know, like the healers collegium."

Eskanaba raised a hesitant hand.

"You!" I pointed at him. "Say whatever you have to say!"

"Am I really needed for this? Or can I go now?"

"I suppose not. Away, my minion!"

He nearly fell over, then turned and ran out the door.

Completely ignoring everything that had just happened, Karal continued talking. "Would that be okay? Or

do you want to go to somewhere else?"

I stared at him for a few seconds. "Let's go."

--

All right, stayed tuned for MORE WACKY ADVENTURES. Or, y'know, don't. Whichever you prefer.