Chapter Five: In Which Megami Meets Sid and Tells an Extremely Interesting Story
AN: In a fit of productivity, we somewhat proudly present the fifth chapter!
Disclaimer: Valdemar, Karal, Altra and all other trademark characters belong to Mercedes Lackey. We just stole—er, borrowed them for a little bit. Megami is copyrighted to Julie Heida and Krissy Rhyme. Attempts to steal her without permission (God knows why anyone would want to) will be met with The Spoon.
--
:Megami? Megami:
Someone's talking to me.
:Megami:
Meh.
:MEGAMI:
zzzz…
:Damn you Megami! Wake up: Growling, I sot out my arm and grabbed Altra roughly by the scruff of his neck, hauling him off my stomach.
"Why are you still talking?" I demanded blearily.
:You have to got up: Altra yelled, flailing his paws around. :Right now:
"No." I muttered, dropping him on the floor and rolling over. Stupid cat.
…
…
CHOMP!
"Owwwwwwww! Bloody hell! What was that for?" I glared at Altra angrily, rubbing the spot on my arm where he had bitten me.
:Get—:
"Why! Why in the seven hells would you need me to get up at—" I checked my watch. "Six o'clock in the morning?"
:Because some crazy man with a big sword is in Karal's room threatening to run him though if he doesn't make you appear! So you are going to get out of your bed and haul your ass in there and make him GO AWAY: Altra yelled in frustration.
"Oh. Okay. Why didn't you tell me that before?" I asked, swinging my legs over the side of my bed. Altra twitched.
:GO: he roared. I stuck out my tongue at him.
"Alright, alright! Don't get your knickers in a twist…"
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH! AAAANGRYCATANGRYCATANGRYCATGETOUTOFMYWAY!" I ran out of the closet into a man with a rather large pointy thing, and fell over. "Oof!" I muttered, pushing at the man. "Gerroff! I can't —AUGGGH!" I found myself suddenly looking at the end of a sword.
"Silence, heathen deceiver!" the man bellowed, causing his sword to vibrate a little bit. I began to go cross-eyed from looking at it.
"Could you—" I started, but was interrupted again.
"Do not talk, evil demon! I, High Priest Ghee Antonio Lucien DeMero shall rid you of this earth!" he stated, waving the sword around in my face. "You shall—"
"Yeah, um, hi." I interrupted. "If you don't move your sword in about three seconds, I'm gonna toast it, okay?"
The man blinked at me, but quickly recovered. "Silence! Do not threaten me with your evil pagan tricks! You cannot fool me with your tricks! I, High Priest Ghee Antonio Lucien DeMero—"
"Oh, shut the fuck up." I said irritably. "I've never heard someone babble so much shit."
"You DARE to insult me?" the man bellowed, turning an interesting shade of red. "You shall regret the day you dared to…" I tuned the man out, and twitched my finger so his sword suddenly and inexplicably caught fire. This, I realized, was a very bad idea, seeing as I now had a large, pointy, FLAMING object in my face.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUGHH!" I yelled in panic. "PutitoutputitoutputitOOOOUT!" Meanwhile, ol' what'shisbutt was staring at his sword in stupefied surprise, and I couldn't help feeling satisfied.
:May I remind you that you ARE A GODDESS: Altra yelled, tail twitching madly. :You put out the fire:
"Oh. Yeah." I blinked and waved my hand, and a small gray cloud appeared over the guy's head and began raining on him.
He glared at me.
"Thank you." Karal said weakly. "I think."
"What?" I demanded. "You got a problem with the way I saved you from certain death by crazyweirdguy?"
"No, I'm really quite grateful for that." He replied. "But now I have an angry, wet, and quote 'crazyweirdguy' in my room. Who is angry at me. And you. But probably more at you."
I glanced at the guy. He was still glaring at me. "And your point is...?"
"Maybe you should put him somewhere else now."
"Oh." I pointed the rather soggy person, who was now looking faintly purple. "Go away, would you?" I requested politely.
"I will not! Foul, heartless hellbeast who is the spawn of hell--"
"Right then." I looked back at Karal and Altra. "Do you think a dung heap somewhere would be a good place?" I asked them.
:YES.:
"Righty then." I waved lazily at the guy, who inexplicably was not whisked off to the dung heap.
Karal buried his face in his hands and groaned.
"THERE! You see! Proof that she is no more than a heathen fake trying to corrupt our souls!" the guy
yelled triumphantly at Karal.
"What the hoo-ha?" I demanded to no one in particular, and tried again. Irritatingly enough, things remained the same, except that now Karal's bed was a rather largish llama. Getting frustrated now, I began waving wildly, attempting to get rid of the stupid creep. Unfortunately, this resulted in Ghee, Karal, Altra, me, and a very confused armadillo sitting in an otherwise empty room. Everything else was now in various dung heaps.
"Um?" I said. Altra glared at me some more."I don't know what happened!" I wailed. "You think I'm doing this on purpose?
This was met with another glare. I promptly burst into tears.
Karal sighed. "Megami..."
There was a pathetic snivel from somewhere in my general area as a reply.
:Oh stop that: Altra snapped. :You know you could do this easily if you were actually trying:
"I AM TRYING!"
:It looks like you're sulking to me.: He sniffed.
"Memgr." I blubbered.
"I'm sure if you try just one more time it would work," Karal told me comfortingly
"Okay." I waved my hand.
Ghee promptly merged with the armadillo, and after rolling around the room a couple times, disappeared with a pop.
"Well, that certainly wasn't supposed to happen," I muttered before Ghee tried to run me through with his sword. Again. "Waugh!"
"Fiend! You DARE to insult me?" Ghee shouted as I repetedly dodged his rather clumsy attempts to kill me.
"Yeeaaah."
This seemed to confuse him, as he stopped trying to skewer me and gave me a rather blank look. "What?"
"I'm so happy you agree!"
"..."
"OKAY!" I grabbed Ghee by the shoulders and began to push him out the door. "Bye scary evil priest man!"
"Unhand me you heathen imposter!" Ghee protested.
"No!" And I slammed to door in his face.
"Right then." Karal commented.
"I got rid of him, didn't I? And I am so going back to bed now."
:Why: Altra demanded. :You're already up, why not stay that way:
But I didn't answer, because I was already asleep. On my feet. Then I fell over.
But of course I was asleep, so I didn't fully realize I was falling over until I hit my head on the floor. The rather hard floor.
"OWFUCKZZzzzzzzz..."
I yelled at it as I fell back to sleep.
:You are utterly impossible.: Altra muttered, and LEVIATED ME WITH HIS MAGICAL POWERS BACK TO MY BED.
"Zzzzfubichzzz" I mumbled back at him.
:Yeah, I love you too.: He responded sarcastically, and dumped me on top of my sheets. :Idiot.:
I conjured a teapot and dropped it on his head.
I woke up again at a much more reasonable hour of the afternoon, and stumbled tout of my room in search of coffee.
Karal and Altra weren't there, which didn't really bother me because they probably just would have ended up yelling at me anyway. They seemed to like doing that. Especially Altra.
"THEY CAN'T HOLD ME BACK!" I pointed triumphantly in the general direction of the horizon. "HA HA HA!"I marched in the direction I was pointing in just in case there was something interesting over there. Or coffee. Which there was none, but I certainly didn't let that hold me back. I wondered briefly what it wasn't holding me back from, then decided it didn't really matter, and went in search of something interesting to do.
Out the door I went, into the wild blue yonder! It wasn't very blue, actually. In fact, it was kind of brown. But that was hardly important. Except that it wasn't interesting. I decided to find someplace bluer and see if that was interesting. I wandered around for a while. Again.
"Megami! Dew drop of my heart, I have found you!'
I recoiled in horror. "Whozzat?" I demanded.
yeah well.
"It is I, your loving Sid!"
"Sid who? I've never even met you before!"
I peered at the guy who had talked, just to make sure I hadn't seen him. I hadn't.
He fluttered his eyelashes at me in a disturbing manner.
"Ew! Go away. I'm busy!" I tried to find something to do to look busy.
I made a hammer out of nothing and began slamming it into a nearby wall. "See? See how busy I am?"
"My love is working! I must take this work from you so you do not soil your precious hands!"
I ran away.
"Wait! You forgot to leave me the hammer!" The guy called, running after me.
I hurled it at his head. Just when a servant-type person stepped out of nowhere and got hit by the hammer and knocked out!
"DAAAAAAAMMIIIIIIIIIIIT!" I wailed, and ran faster. There was no more comments from behind me, so I turned into the nearest door and stopped running. It was the bathroom. I walked through it and into the room on the other side of the opposite wall. Which was also a bathroom. The men's bathroom.
There was a guy in it who looked a lot like Ghee.
I turned around and walked out because Ew Fer Reals. I wondered where to go next. I decided to go find a companion. They would probably be outside, so I went through a bunch of random walls until I got there.
"HELLO HORSIES! " I waved frantically and made smoogling noises in their general direction. " 3 3 3!" They gave me withering glares and walked away. "No! Sadface! Come baaaaaaaaack!"
A little baby one came up to me and stepped on my foot, looking cute and abused.
I made a noise that sounded a lot like "ghek!"
The baby stuck its nose in my face. "You're not a very nice horse." It snorted at me. I poked it in the ear. It bit me. "Ow!" I smacked its nose. It kicked me across the clearing and into the fence.
Someone behind me snickered.
"Gnraar." I replied.
"What's your problem?" The someone asked.
"Nothing! Everything is fine! Except for the fact that those stupid horses don't like me."
"I don't see how that's possible!" the person told me sarcastically.
"Shuttup...you!"
"Or what, you'll turn me into a llama?"
"WHO ARE YOU!"
"Who do you think?"
"My mom?"
"No."
"Oh good."
"I am...a...old person." I turned around to look at them. It was definitely a person of the old-ish variety. It was also a guy.
"Hello." I said.
"Hello." He replied.
"What's your name, mister fister bo bister?"
"Al!"
"That's a nice name." The baby Companion chose this moment to come up behind me and shove its nose into my back. It was very wet. And large. I made a noise that sounded a great deal like "Ouchywawa!" Al snickered at me again.
"You're not a very nice old man." I informed him.
"I'm sorry." he apologized, not looking sorry at all. The companion kicked him in the leg. Al glared at it and it hid behind a tree.
"You're a scary old man!"
He cackled at me.
A goat flew through the air! It landed on Al's head, and I took this opportunity to run like hell. I sang a song while I ran. After running for a while I decided I should figure out where I was going.
"OH WHERE OH WERE CAN I BE GOING?" I sang to myself. Loudly.
"Away from here?" a random person suggested.
"God, there are too many random people in this castle. Palace. Thing. Whatever!"
"We're the ones who live here!" the random person replied.
"Hush you!" And I ran on.
Into a wall.
"Ow!" I kicked the wall, and then ran through it. Into a room. With four walls. And people. It appeared to be a classroom A few kids in grey stared at me, looking rather frightened.
"Hi. Um. I'm going to leave now." I ran out through the opposite wall. And out onto fields of green! I had just ran all the way through the palace and returned to the place where Sid was still hammering the wall! "…oh crap."
"Megami, my love!" Sid gushed at me.
"Um! Hi!" I started backing away slowly.
"Megami, my dearest jeweldrop, where are you going?"
"I'm going...this way!"
"Won't you stay with me?" He fluttered his eyelashes in an extremely disturbing manner.
"Um. Maybe?" I continued to back away. He started to run towards me.
"AHH!" I screamed at him, ducking and curling up in a ball.
"Let me comfort you, my sweetest sweet!"
"NO! I mean, um... sit down over there and I'll tell you a story?"
"Whatever you say, apple of my eye!"
"Okay. Good. Umm..." I pummeled my brain for something that would make him leave me alone.
"Okay, so there once was this fish." I began as he watched me raptly. "The fish went 'blub blub blub. And then the fish went blub blub blub. And then the fish went blub blub blub. And then the fish went blub blub blub. And then the fish went blub blub blub. And then the fish went blub blub blub. And then the fish went blub blub blub. And then the fish went blub blub blub. And then the fish went blub blub blub. And then the fish went blub blub blub. And then the fish went blub blub blub. And then the fish went blub blub blub. And then the fish went blub blub blub. And then the fish went blub blub blub. And then the fish went blub blub blub. And then the fish went blub blub blub. And then the fish went blub blub blub. And then the fish went blub blub blub. And then the fish went blub blub blub. And then the fish went blub blub blub. And then the fish went blub blub blub. And then the fish went blub blub blub. And then the fish went blub blub blub. And then the fish went blub blub blub. And then the fish went blub blub blub. And then the fish went blub blub blub. And then the fish went blub blub blub. And then the fish went blub blub blub."
FIVE HOURS LATER
"And then the fish went blub blub blub."
FIVE MORE HOURS LATER
"And then the fish ran into a rock! And then the fish went home and went 'blub blub blub! And the fish went to bed and went blub blub blub! And then the fish woke up and went 'blub blub blub! Except not really because he was dead so he went blub blub bluaaaaaeeeegh. Wasn't that a great story?" And then I realized I had killed Sid from sheer boredom. After cheering, I wondered if anyone would notice and want me to bring him back. Probably not, I decided. I wandered off in search of something more interesting.
It was then I realized that, HOLY CRAP--They had awesome clothes in this place! I could go get some and be all... GANGSTER! This called for a spontaneous dance! I quickly did this, then popped off into the city to find the nearest gangster cloths.
Instead, I arrived in a cornfield.
Frustrated, i tried again.
And landed in a rice field.
I flipped to a bunch of random points until I ended up in a city. "All right. Gangsta. Let's go." I wandered the streets until I found a shop with clothes in it. "AHA!" I said in triumph. Some guy gave me a strange look, and I bopped him on the head in greeting. "Do you know where I could buy some clothes?" I asked more or less politely.
He blinked at me. "Here." He told me, pointing at the clothes in the shop.
"Thanks--uh, I mean, fo'shizzle, man."
--
Karal looked around suspiciously. Megami had been absent for far too long now, and the palace was deceptively quiet. Any moment now, he was sure, he was going to hear that everyone in Haven had been turned into rutabagas, or that all the trees had suddenly begun to square dance.
:Karal: Altra asked. :Are you all right? You seem worried.:
"I'm fine." He hastily assured the Cat. "It's just that I haven't seen Megami all day…"
:I think she went shopping down in the marketplace.:
"And this doesn't worry you!" Karal exclaimed.
Altra blinked serenely. :No. You just worry too much. I'm sure Haven will survive.:
Karal sighed. "You're probably right. I mean, she always brings the people she kills back to life…" He decided not to worry about it.
--
"Yo yo yo! Megami in da house — er, palace! Thing!" Megami's voice echoed through the palace loudly, alerting Karal from his seat in the library. Hurriedly, he put down his book. "Wachoo lookin' at, bitch? 'Choo got a problem with me!"
Sensing trouble, Karal rushed off to find Megami, and had the luck of running smack dab into her.
"Heeeeeeeeeeey! Karal, my home dog! Waz up, g?" Megami turned and cheerfully slapped him on the back.
"Oh…fine." He stumbled a bit, but stood back up. "What was all the yelling about?"
"Dat bitch over there wuz starin' at me." Megami glowered at a small, dark haired servant girl, who shrank up against the wall. "Choo know I don't like no people starin' at me. Messes up my groove, and I ain't down wit dat."
Karal nodded in an understanding way, since he had no idea what she just said. Altra stared at her in disgust.
"Wachoo—" Megami started, glaring at the cat.
"Bless you." Karal said automatically.
Megami turned to glare at him. "Wachoo—"
"Bless you." He said again, causing Megami to twitch a bit.
"Hey!" she said indignantly. "Wachoo think you're doin', foo?
"Foo?" he asked, a little bit confused.
"FOOOOOO. F-O-O. FOO." Megami stated exasperatedly.
"Sure." Karal agreed, having absolutely no idea what she was talking about whatsoever. "Foo. Right."
Megami seemed satisfied with this, because she turned her attention back to Altra and began to rant at him.
"Now, I dunno what your problem is, foo, but I dun like it when peoples are starin' at me. So 'choo can just knock that smirk offa ya face, or I'll knock it off for ya. 'Choo understand me?"
Altra blinked at her serenely.
"I saaaid, 'choo understand me?" Megami began to turn an interesting shade of red. "Yo! 'Choo understand what is comin' outta my mouth, boy! 'Choo better knock that off! KNOCK IT OFF, Y'HEAR!"
Altra calmly began to wash himself.
"HEY!" Megami yelled at him. "'Choo even LISTENIN' to me? 'Choo'd betta listen, boy, or I'll wipe your smirky little face on the FLOOR!"
"Um?" said Karal. Then, for an apparent lack of anything better to do, he said it again. "Um?"
"And wha'd'you want, bitch?" Megami demanded, glaring at him
"I hardly think I qualify as a 'bitch'."
"Whachoo talkin' 'bout? Why not?"
"Because I happen to be a male. In case you haven't noticed."
"Sooooooo?"
"Geh!"
"Dat's Whut I THOUGHT!"
"Altra?" Karal said rather desperately.
:I rather think she's beyond help: the Cat replied, cocking his head at the goddess.
"Shall we run, then?"
:That may be a good idea.:
They ran like little girls.
"Hey! Where d'you think yur goin', foo?" Megami shouted after them.
Karal yelled something that sounded like "MARGLE BLARGLE" and ran faster.
"FINE!" He heard Megami yell from somewhere behind him. "I'll just stay here and get down wit my bad self!"
And so she did.
But thankfully, Karal had escaped and was not present to see the horror.
--
Karal ran into the kitchen and collided with the wall. "Urgh!" He told it.
The wall maintained a regal silence. Karal frowned at it, wondering why Altra wasn't seeing it.
And why Altra was instead seeing a large purple bear.
And, for that matter, just where Altra was.
This, he decided, was a Very Big Problem. Unfortunately, not being able to see, he didn't know just what he could do about it. Or rather, not being able to see anything but a large purple bear.
"Altra?" He tried. There was no response. "Ngurk." He said, which meant Well, crap. But Karal was too polite to say something like that, and had to settle for making funny noises instead. He decided to follow the wall he had run into, just in case it led to Altra. Or to someone who knew where Altra was.
And then he ran into the stove.
Which happened to be rather hot.
"WAUGH!" Karal yelled, and fell over. He lay on the floor for a few minutes, and then decided he should get up. But he didn't know exactly where the stove was anymore. This was another problem. Maybe, he thought, I should just stay here until someone finds me. He wondered how long that would take. Probably forever. He got up. And ran into the stove again. "Ow!"
He yelled at it, backing up so he wouldn't fall over again and ran into a person.
"Oof!" Said the person.
"Waugh!" said Karal. Again.
"Oh my goodness, I'm so very sorry!"
"Who are you?" Karal asked politely.
"I am...your mom!"
"Megami?"
"...dammit."
"I'm sorry."
"I swear to god, you must be psychic or something."
"Just a lucky guess. Where's Altra?"
"Heh heh heh he--uh. I mean...I have no idea!"
"HE'S BEING DEVOURED BY PURPLE TEDDY BEARS AND I WANT TO KNOW WHY!"
"He is not being eaten, he's just being bu...uh..."
"Well he LOOKS like he's being eaten!"
"Hey, why don't we go...uh, ride some horses!"
"Not without Altra!"
There was several seconds of silence.
"Is he really necessary?"
"If I want to see anything, yes. And I do. Want to see things, I mean."
"I could show you?" Megami asked hopefully.
"No."
There was more silence.
"Megami, you are being absolutely ridiculous. Please return Altra right now."
"But what if he doesn't want to be returned?"
Karal somehow managed to pull off a pointed look in Megami's direction.
"Fiiiiiiiine."
And poof! Karal could no longer see Altra not being devoured by purple teddy bears!
Instead, he was looking at Megami's large, purple boot clad feet. And shortly after that, at Megami's blood spattered arm, which was currently clamped in Altra's teeth and waving around wildly trying with absolutely no success to dislodge him.
:YARGLEBLARGEKILLYOU:
"AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHIDIDN'TMEANITLEMMEGOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
And then the people walked in.
They were holding large pointy objects. They were tall, and on fire. They pointed their pointy objects at Altra, and beeped at him a few times. Altra hissed. The people beeped more, then attempted to pull him off of Megami.
:CHEATER! CHEATING CHEATING CHEATER MCCHEATALOT:
"OWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOw!" was Megami's
"Megami! Altra! Stop this at once!" Karal said sharply.
The people winked out of existence, and Altra dropped onto the floor and began washing himself vigorously.
"Oh, come on! I don't taste that bad."
:Hmph.:
"Pooface." Altra snarled at her.
"Stop that!"
"Awww, do we have to?"
"Yes."
:She started it.:
"Well, that was real mature."
:Yes and YOU'RE one to talk about mature:
"So?"
:So...there:
"Haha, I totally win."
Altra grumbled about this for a few seconds, then calmly stuck a claw into Megami's boot. "OWOWHOLYCRAP!" She kicked him across the room.
"Stop that! Both of you!" Said Karal sharply.
They stared at him as if he had just popped out of nowhere.
"I mean it."
More stares.
"..." Said Karal, picked up Altra, and walked out calmly.
:Hey now! what are you doing that for? I would have won:
"Of course you would have."
:What was that supposed to mean? I don't like it when you take that tone with me young man:
"Sorry, sorry. Let's go find Natoli now, please."
:Fine. Have it your way.:
They sallied forth into the afternoon.
They searched high and low for Natoli and finally found her doing some weird math thing in her room.
"Hi." said Natoli.
"Hey," Karal responded.
"Yo!" said Megami cheerfully. "What's all this, then?"
:GAH: Altra shouted. :What is SHE doing here:
"I don't know."
"Why are you here, Megami?" Natoli asked, peering suspiciously at her.
"Hm. That's a good question." She looked thoughtful. "No idea."
Karal smacked himself in the head repeatedly. "Augh!"
"Why are you doing that?" Megami asked curiously. "Ngnggr." He replied.
"Awwww, Karal-poo is sad!" Megami ran up and gave him a hugely wet and sloppy kiss, but he turned his head at the last second and it landed on his ear. "Eugh!" said Megami. "Gross!"
:HAH: Altra put in. Natoli tried to look disapproving and failed utterly.
Megami gave her a very hurt look, then morphed the wall into a large cushion and sat on it. And then, in a burst of light and sound, Sid appeared in the window.
With a lute.
Wearing a codpiece.
Megami screamed.
"?" Said Karal, who was still recovering from his near-death experience.
"I &#!()&# KILLED HIM!"
"Wow." said Natoli. No one was really sure as to what she was referring to.
"Did my love miss me?" Sid asked from the window.
"NO!"
"Megami?" Karal asked weakly. "Exactly who is he?" "SOMEGUYWHOISSTALKINGMEANDHE'SREALLYCREEPYANDMAKEHIMGOAWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!" Was the answer.
"...Oh."
:Heh heh heh--uh, I mean...that's not funny at all.:
Megami jumped at the Cat and would have started pounding him into the floor had Natoli not scooped him up and deposited him out of Megami's reach. Meanwhile, in the background, Sid strummed his lute thoughtfully and began to hum. Karal was beginning to feel rather alarmed by all of this. He briefly wondered if he had any chance of returning the situation to normalcy, but decided that with Megami involved, the very idea was laughable.
"This is a little ditty called--" Sid paused dramatically. "Megami is the Bomby."
Megami started moaning in agony, Altra glared at her and hissed, and Natoli sighed and gave up on her weird math thing. Karal wondered exactly what she was planning, but assumed she had something in mind that would make Sid, if not Megami, go away because Natoli was just simply That Amazing. Taking great care so Karal wouldn't trip over his own feet, she walked over to Sid, who was just beginning the chorus of his so-called song. "Hey." She said conversationally, and pushed him out the window. She then proceeded to shut the window before shoving several large heavy objects in front of it.
"Oh my god, you're awesome." said Megami reverently from the corner.
"...Thanks..." Natoli replied, looking unsure about whether she really wanted to hear that from Megami.
Which she probably didn't, but that was beyond the point.
Karal turned to the next problem: Megami.
"...why are you looking at me like that?"
"Don't you have anywhere better to be? We're not very interesting..."
Megami looked thoughtful. "This is true."
And then the world turned upside down.
Literally.
Karal made a vague panicky noise and tried to see if Natoli was okay, which was mildly difficult at the time. Natoli was nowhere in sight. Neither was anything, for that matter. Karal attempted to yell in terror but it came out as "Swankified, baby!" instead. Improbability factor of four billion, six hundred twenty-nine million, seven thousand, two hundred eighty-one. He heard a quiet voice say, just before he fell from nothing into a pile of stuffed pandas.
--