THE LAST CHAPTER: In Which The Authors Write Stuff That Make Them Look Like They're On Crack
WOOT! This is it people! The last chapter! The retarded one! More retarded than usual, that is. Erm. Yeah.
Disclaimer: Valdemar, Karal, Altra and all other trademark characters belong to Mercedes Lackey. We just stole—er, borrowed them for a little bit. Megami is copyrighted to Julie Heida and Krissy Rhyme. Attempts to steal her without permission (God knows why anyone would want to) will be met with The Spoon.
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I was bored. I decided to throw a light switch rave. Now all I needed to do was find a light switch... I decided to look for one in the city. People have all kinds of stuff, there must be at least one light switch out there I could have! I would hug it and play with it and feed it and call it George. I wondered offhandedly what light switches eat. Probably cake! Chocolate cake! That meant I should go get some cake, too! I went to go find the kitchens. An hour later, I still hadn't found them. And I hadn't found a light switch either, dammit. "Hey!" I grabbed a passing servant-type person. "Where do you keep your light switches in this place?"
He blinked. "Dur?"
"Light switches." I told him. "Where are they."
"Light switches." He said. "What are they?"
I smacked myself in the forehead. "HOW could you not know what a LIGHT SWITCH is?"
"I'm stupid!" He stated cheerfully
"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" I screamed in horror.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" He screamed back.
"EEEEEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!" I cackled at him, not wanting to be outdone.
"I'm a cucumber." He informed me calmly. "And there's a spider on your head."
"AAAHH!" I shrieked, smacking my head wildly.
"BALEETED!" He commented, waltzing off down the hallway.
"WAIT!" I yelled, doing back flips at him. "YOU FORGOT ABOUT MY LIGHT SWITCH!"
"Witchy witch witch! Which witch is which? YEEHEEHEEHEEHEHEEHEHEIO#$(&!$U)(!O(EU#ROU#$!($)$#!" Was his ever so helpful reply.
"Rrrgmblemnmbler" I muttered, walking off to find another servant-type person to ask.
"Megami? What are doing?" Kero asked, approaching me with a large pointy sword type thing.
"Looking for a servant-type person." I informed her. "Why? What are YOU doing?"
"I'm going to go teach some trainees the class that I teach them." She responded.
"Ooh!" I yelled. "Can I help? Huh, huh, can I can I?"
"No."
"Awwwwwwwww, why not?"
"Because you'll blow something or someone up. Eventually."
"So? I'll bring it back!"
"Mmhmm." Kero said, obviously not buying it.
"No really! I will! See, watch." I twitched my finger, and the hallway we were currently in exploded.
"AAAAHHHH!" Kero shrieked. "What the HELL ARE YOU THINKING?"
"Thinking?" I asked innocently.
Kero twitched once or twice. I wondered if I should pretend I couldn't fix the hall, just to freak her out.
"FIX. THIS. NOW." She growled at me, hefting the sword thing. I decided maybe this would be a bad idea. I waved my hand and the hall appeared un-exploded, and Kero heaved a sigh of relief. "Never. Do that again." She told me, pointing the sword-type thing at my face.
"Okay. Where's a light switch?" I asked, having absolutely no intention of actually doing any such thing.
"I--what? What the hell is a light switch?" Kero demanded.
I frowned. "Don' tell me you people don't even have light switches here."
"Okay... but not telling you doesn't change the facts." She informed me, giving me a weird look.
"This country is really dumb, you know that?"
"I happen to like it."
"Well, I don't."
She shrugged. "Then leave."
"No! That's no fun." I told her, not really sure if my logic was making sense.
"Are you having fun now?"
"Er.gah..Dur..SHUTTUP!"
"So how do you know you won't have more fun if you leave?"
"Stooooooooop it..." I wailed. "Stop making so much sense!"
Kero smirked.
"I'm going away now." I announced. "I'm gonna go find Altra. He never makes sense."
"I'm sure he'll appreciate that you think so."
"I know he will." I walked away down the hallway, wondering where Altra would be. Probably with Karal, I decided, because Karal really had some problems seeing without him. Now I only needed to find Karal. I considered finding another servant-type person, but considering how helpful the last one had been, decided against it. Karal would probably be with Natoli… so… if I could find her, I could find Karal, and I could find Altra! Okay… soooo, where was Natoli? Maybe she was in the kitchen! No, Natoli didn't like to cook. Maybe outside somewhere then? It was worth a try, anyway. I headed outside through the nearest wall and began my search. However, after scaring the shit out of about sixty zillion gardeners, I was no closer to finding her.
"NAAAAATOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLIIIIIIIIIIIIIII IIIIIIIII!" I yelled cheerfully. "STOP DOING WHATEVER YOU'RE DOING WITH KARAL AND COME HERE!" I saw someone stand up and make some sort of gesture at me on the other side of the garden I was currently in, so I went over to see if it was Natoli. It was actually another crotchety old gardener, much to my disappointment. I scowled at him, and went on to the next garden. Natoli had to be in one of them!
"Naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaatoooooooooooooliiiiii…" I whined. No one answered, so I went on to yet another garden. Was there no end of them? No. There was not. I wandered through garden after garden, searching in vain for Natoli.
"Megami?" someone asked me curiously. "What are you doing?"
I spun around to see who it was, but accidentally spun in a full circle, so didn't see anything. "I'm looking for Natoli!" I told the person.
"Well, you found her." The person replied in amusement.
"I did?" I asked in confusion. "Where?"
"Here." The person said.
I turned around, more carefully this time, and looked at Natoli. Without Karal. Dammit! "Where's Karal?" I asked.
"Inside… at a meeting…" Natoli replied, giving me a strange look.
"Oh. Can I break it up?"
"No."
"Awwwwwwwww…" I said sadly. "When is it going to be over, then?"
"It just started, and considering the people he's meeting with, it could go on for a looong time. Why do you want him?"
"I just want to annoy Altra, actually."
"Ah." Natoli nodded as if she had just been told something that explained her entire life. "So sorry to disappoint you."
"Nah, it's okay." I shrugged. "I'll just find someone else to bother."
"You do that." Natoli told me. "I have to go to my class."
I brightened. "Are there people to annoy in you class? Huh huh huh TELL ME TELL ME!"
"No—" Natoli started, then appeared to change her mind. "Mayyybe… there are certainly people…"
"Well, that's a start!" I said cheerfully.
Natoli shrugged and started walking off. "If you want to annoy them you'll have to come now. If I wait any longer I'll be late."
"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!" I trotted after Natoli, happily singing random songs about fluffy bunny slippers. Several minutes later we arrived at Natoli's class, which appeared to be geography. I jumped onto a desk and started tap-dancing, while the occupant of said desk stared at me with a 'What-the-Hell?' expression.
"Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarg." I replied. The kid turned white and jumped out of the desk. Unfortunately, this caused the desk to get severely unbalanced and fall over.
"That wasn't very smart." I chastised him severely. "You made me fall over."
"Oh." He replied, backing away. "Sorry... won't happen again..." He turned and ran away, hiding behind one of the other people in the room.
"Ow." I added as an afterthought.
Natoli cleared her throat. "Everyone, this is Megami. She's the goddess everyone's been talking about."
"I'm famous!" I chirruped happily, twirling around in place. "Like Michael Jackson! Wait...ew. No."
This got me blank looks from everyone in the room. "Whaaaaat?" I whined. "Just 'cause YOU don't have anything remotely entertaining doesn't mean I can't!
"Megami." Natoli said patiently.
"Yes?" I inquired.
"Sit down, shut up, and read."
"Read what?"
"The textbook, perhaps?" She responded dryly.
"WHERE? KILL IT!" I flipped over a couple more desks, looking for the hated thing so I could burn it or something.
"Calm down, it's just full of maps. And stuff about reading maps." She added thoughtfully, "Which I doubt you'll understand anyway. So stop that."
"Oh." I stopped flipping desks, and sat on one. Which happened to be upside-down at the time, so it wasn't the most comfortable thing in the world. "OK then. You can do you map thingys. I'll just sit here and annoy people, 'kay?"
"Alright." Natoli sighed. "Just...keep control of yourself, okay?"
"No problem!" I responded cheerfully. "Are you going to eat that?"
She gave me a deadpan look. "If you really want to eat my quill, you can."
"Nonono, not that! I was talking about the banana in your ear."
"..." She commented thoughtfully. "No, I'm not going to eat it."
"Oh good. I can stuff it in someone else's ear then!"
"Okay, Megami. You do that."
"Okay!" I exclaimed happily, transferring the banana to the ear of the kid I had scared before.
"Oowwwwwwwwww..." He said.
"Sorry." I said, giving him a piece of a chocolate lime to make him feel better.
He blinked at in surprise, then suspiciously nibbled at it. "Yummy!" He declared, and attempted to swallow it whole.
"No no no," I told him, taking it and breaking it up. "The point isn't to choke yourself to death, it's to forget about the banana in your ear!"
"Oh." He responded, and off in the corner Natoli buried her head in her hands.
I went over to her. "What's your problem?" I asked. "Do you need some chocolate too?" I twitched, causing a five-pound bag of chocolate pieces to fall from the ceiling and fall on her foot.
"Thanks." She mumbled. "Where is our teacher, anyway?"
"Is he the guy hiding behind the desk over there?"
"Possibly."
"Or maybe he's the guy I accidentally squished with the giant squid..." I continued thoughtfully.
"Please tell me you're joking."
"Okay," I shrugged, making the squid disappear. "He shouldn't be too squished..."
"This was a very, very bad idea." Natoli informed herself.
"Probably," I agreed, since Natoli didn't seem to be replying.
"Well, you know what? I think Karal's meeting is over now!" She said suddenly, looking hopeful. "Which means that Altra is free to annoy!"
I considered this for a moment. "Okay! Lets go see!" Grabbing Natoli's hand, I started towards the door.
"Perhaps that was a bad idea as well," she muttered..
"No, You just have to show me where the meeting was so we can make sure that if it isn't already over it will be shortly after we get there!" I assured her, tugging impatiently.
"I suppose." She said.
"Good. Show me"
"Alright, follow me." She gently tugged her hand out of my iron-like grasp and started down a hallway.
"Yaaaaaay!" I yelled, frolicking after her.
After several more long, boring hallways we came to a door. A really, really, really big door.
"Ooooooooh!" I said, staring up at it.
"Karal should be in there. Or possibly he has already left from there." Natoli informed me, pointing at the door.
"OKAY!" I patted her head a couple times, then walked on through the door.
"Bye..." I heard her call feebly. I absently waved, forgetting that she couldn't see me anymore, and turned my attention to more important things.
"Altraaaaaa-pooooooooo..." I called. "Where are you, my sweetie dumpling?"
The people sitting at the table in the room stared at me.
"Oh dear gods..." Karal muttered from the far end. "Megami, what are you doing here?"
"I'm here to annoy Altra!" I told him cheerfully.
:Why meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee...: Altra moaned pathetically.
"Because I luuuuuuuuuuuuuurv you!"
:Kill me now, please.: He responded, glaring.
"Kay!" I sent a fireball shooting towards the Firecat, incinerating him.
"Megami." Karal said, looking slightly annoyed. "Did it ever occur to you that if Altra died I would no longer be able to see?"
"No!" I responded, happily picking at my thumbnail.
"I didn't think so. But it's a good thing that he can't die," he pointed to the rather singed looking cat now sitting on the table, "Or I would find a way to banish you back to where ever you came from, no matter what it took."
"You couldn't" I told him with confidence.
"I could too."
:Ow.: Altra commented thoughtfully.
"Could not! And you shut up, you wanted it!"
:I was being rhetorical.: He sniffed haughtily. :And you've never seen Karal when he's really mad and I have and I say he could. And would. So there.:
"Where?"
:anfliwe934903#$#$asd: He responded.
"Oooooooh, that's baaaad!" I told him. "You ought to have your head washed out with soap!"
One of the old farts sitting at the table gave me a weird look. However, I had grown quite used to this and was able to ignore it. Instead of paying the fart any attention whatsoever, I went and sat in his lap. Just to see what he would do. "I wants a dolly, and a horsy, and a bunny and a REALLY BIG GUN and a tea set..." I singsonged happily, kicking my legs. The fart made a sort of strangled burping noise, his face turning a fascinating shade of purple.
"That's disgusting." I informed him seriously. He made another noise, this one somewhere between a meep and a yodel.
Karal slumped in his chair wearily. "I think we should just end this meeting, before she really starts to get going." I looked up at whoever appeared that they might be in charge, hoping they would agree.
"I agree." agreed the oldest of the old farts. "Let us depart."
"Aw I dunno," I said, not wanting to appear too eager for them to go. "We were having so much fun!"
Quick as bunnies, they filed out of the room leaving me, Karal, and Altra alone. However, they all included the fart on whose lap I was still sitting, and his getting up caused me to fall on my butt. Which rather hurt.
:Haha.: Altra said smugly. :Serves you right.:
I stuck my tongue out at him, and stood up. Then fell over again just for the hellofit.
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"Eskabaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaabaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa..." I called, wandering through the hallway. "WHERE ARE YOU, MY SERVY-POO? No one answered, so I went into a random room. It was empty. And boring. I decided to try a different one. "Bamphf!" I muttered to myself. "Bamphf! Snickt! Bamphf!" This caused a nearby servant-type-person to look at me strangely. "BAMPHF!" I repeated, louder and disappeared in a cloud of smoke. "SNICKT!" I reappeared in a room elsewhere, right in front of a startled looking Altra. "ALTRA-POO!" I shrieked. :Naugh: he replied.
"What's the matter?" I asked, grabbing him and hugging tightly. "Don't you luuuuurv me?"
:NO.: He yowled and tried to bite my face. :Unless you mean "love" in the sense of "I want to disembowel you and then eat your innards".:
"Awww..." I dropped him on the floor and turned around. "Well how 'bout pie? Do you lurv that?"
:What's that got to do with anything: He asked suspiciously.
"Well see there's this giant pie over there." I explained. "And I'm not sure if I can eat it all myself!"
:There isn't a giant pie over th--UHA:
"Uha?" I asked skeptically. "What kind of a word is that?"
:Why is there a giant pie? WHY IS THERE A GIANT PIE:
I shrugged. "I dunno, what kind is it? That could give us a clue!"
:This is ridiculous. You are ridiculous. I refuse to participate in this utterly ridiculous...thing. Whatever it is.:
"Your loss!" I went over to the pie, intent on seeing if it was a kind that was yummy to eat. IT WAS AN APPLE PIE. "YURCH!" I screamed at it.
Karal spoke up from a corner that had not previously existed! "HELLO." he boomed menacingly.
"EEEEK!" I shrieked at him.
"HEH HEH HEH." He replied. Altra rolled his eyes as only a cat can.
:WILL YOU STOP MESSING AROUND: He jumped onto Karal and clung onto his front. Karal looked rather surprised and fell over.
"Hello cat." He said cheerfully. "Hello Megami."
"Hi!" I informed him brightly.
He looked around with interest at the room. "What's all this then?"
"I made a pie for Altra. He doesn't seem to like it though."
Karal frowned. "That's not very nice."
"That's what I thought!" I agreed, giving Altra a dirty look.
:I hate you all.:
"What did I do?" Karal demanded, sounding hurt.
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I walked off down the hall, randomly going into rooms to see if Altra was in them. Much to my disgust, he seemed to have turned into a very large pumpkin and was currently residing in the dining room. "What are you doing, Altra?" I asked the pumpkin, much to the amusement of the other people in the room.
:I don't know.: He remarked, sauntering in behind me. :What am I doing:
"What?" I asked, confused. "There's two of you!"
Altra looked at me blankly, I smacked myself in the forehead, and fell over. repeatedly.
:I'm going to pretend I don't know you now.:
I ran over and hugged him. "I love you to, Altra-poo!"
:AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGG GGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH: Altra yelled, falling over and twitching repeatedly.
"You're so cuuuuuuute!"
:Get AWAY FROM ME: He yelped.
"Awww, doesn't the kitty wove me anymore?
:No.: He responded darkly, attempting to skewer me with his claws.
"Whyever not?" I asked innocently. Altra called me a word I had never heard before, but I suspected that it was probably something not very nice.
"PANDA!" I screamed at him.
"Megami, let Altra go." Karal said with the tone of one long used to such events.
"Aw Karal, do I haave to?" I whined.
"Yes."
Grumbling, I released the Cat.
"Thank you. "
"Grmbgrlegbr" I grumbled. Altra hissed at me from underneath Karal's chair. I hissed back at him.
"Stop that." Commanded Karal. "Both of you."
"/But Karaaaal"/ we both whined.
"Stop it." He repeated firmly.
"Meanie." I muttered, sticking my tongue out at him.
"If you would stop abusing my Cat I wouldn't have to be so mean all the time." Karal pointed out.
"He started it!" I protested, pointing at Altra.
:I did not: Altra protested.
"Well you could've!" I told him. "And besides, you talked to me before I talked to you, so that means you started it!" Altra blinked at me once or twice. "WHAAAT?" I shrieked. "STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT!" I twitched, causing a pair of dark sunglasses to plaster themselves to Altra's head.
:Ow.: He commented. :Karal, can I DEVOUR HER CORRUPT HEATHEN SOUL now:
"No..." Karal replied, though he didn't sound entirely sure.
:Awww. You're no fun.:
"Sorry. I just don't think it would work very well. She might turn you into a platypus or something."
:Well, then can I get some pirates to DEVOUR HER INNARDS instead:
Karal thought about this for a few seconds. "Well, if you can find some pirates, and then get them back here, and then get them to devour her innards without harming anything else, be my guest." He told the Cat.
"Thanks Karal," I said darkly. "How do you feel about being a platypus?"
Altra squealed in delight and ran into a stone pillar. Karal looked at him, blinked a few times, and fell over
:Are you a pirate: Altra asked the pillar expectantly. :No. Well, do you know where I could find one:
"Um, Altra?" Karal asked him from his new position on the floor. "Are you quite alright?"
:I'm not really sure, but I'm sure Mr. Lawnchair could tell you: He responded cheerfully.
"Ah." Karal nodded, then promptly got up and stared at me. "Did you put the pickles in the microwave?" He asked accusingly.
"Does it look like I have a banana on my head?" I replied contemptuously.
:WHAT: Altra squealed, chasing his tail wildly. :WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU WON'T TELL ME WHERE THE PIRATES ARE? WHEN I CATCH YOU I SWEAR I'LL—: he was cut off abruptly as a giant bowl of pudding fell on him.
"Whoops!" I commented.
A passing servant-type person looked at the pudding, then dipped his finger in and tasted it. "WOOOOOOO! YUMMY YUMYUM!" he yelled happily. Karal blinked at him. The servant-type person picked up the bowl, and shoved it in Karal's face. "IT BE NUUUMMY! EATIT!" He yelled.
"Me no like vanilla pudding!" He objected.
Abruptly, Altra stopped trying to get his tail to tell him where the pirates were, and looked up. :WHOSAT: he yelled, before passing out.
"I BE ESKANABA!" the servant-type person squealed.
"I am Gred. But you can call me Forge." I stated helpfully.
"I'm the little green munchkin in the sky!" Karal told us all happily.
Eskanaba looked at him. "I've always wanted to meet you!" he said calmly, doing backflips. I peered at him suspiciously, thinking I recognized him.
"HEY!" I yelled realizing who he was. "You're the servant-type person who was acting all weird in the hall! What are you doing here?"
"Yup!" Eskanaba meeped happily. "I'm STALKINGYOU!"
"WHY!" I demanded.
He got a glazed look in his eyes, and knelt on the floor in front of me. "The Spooooon," He said in a monotone. "The Spoon is my master. I must worship The Spoon for its awesome powers." Eskanaba plastered himself to the floor as much as he could while still kneeling. He then looked up at me, the glazed look in his eyes replaced by a slightly crazed one. "GIVEITTOMENOW!" He shrieked, and I watched in curiosity as he launched himself at me, his eyes never leaving The Spoon. As soon as he was near enough, he grabbed it in both hands, and promptly flew across the room. He crashed into the far wall, and slumped, temporarily stunned, on the floor.
"What, you think I wouldn't protect my own Spoon from insane mortals like you?" I asked as he started to stir. Eskanaba blinked a few times, then stared at me.
"We will get The Spoon from you." He said, speaking in monotone once more. "For we are the Holy Cult of The Spoon! And if we can't get it from you while you're alive, we'll kill you and get it that way!" He stared at me a few seconds longer, the started laughing hysterically and ran out the door. I stared in confusion in the direction that the kid and run off in.
"What?" I asked Karal intelligently.
"I don't really know." He responded.
"Ah." I said, nodding like I understood. "So does he believe himself?"
"Um." He commented helpfully. "That's a good question."
"Alrighty then. Lets go do stuff now. This is boring?"
Karal looked at me oddly. "Alright."
"YAAY!" I clapped my hands and jumped up and down a few times.
:I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts: Altra stated randomly.
"Really?" Karal asked interestedly, before having a completely real coughing attack. "CoughcoughWEIRDOcoughcough! So what are we doing again?"
"I have no idea!" I replied cheerfully. "I forgot."
:Lets go swimming: Altra suggested happily, chasing his tail.
"Let's not." Karal said dryly. "And stop that, you're making me dizzy."
:But mommyyy: the Firecat protested, starting to walk over to me and Karal and falling on his face.
"Mommy? Exuse a moi?" Asked Karal.
"CoughcoughYOUCANTTALKRIGHTcough!" I put in, poking Karal in the nose.
"So I've never taken a French class in my life. Exuuuuuuse me"' he retorted. "Wait! What am I talking about? And what the hell is French?"
Altra peeled his face off of the floor and peered suspiciously at us. :This conversation reminds me of something...: He muttered. If you can mutter mentally. Which I'm sure you can... especially if you happen to be a cat at the time...
"It does?" I replied. "Well, it shouldn't."
:Are you sure: he inpuired. :Cuz I keep getting this word 'Noipe ' in my head... but I can't IMAGINE where it's coming from...:
"What on earth are you inpuiring about?"
:So Julie cant type! You leave that out of hits! This. Whatever I can't help it if she's stupid.:
"This is true." Karal commented thoughtfully.
"Waitaminute!" I protested. "Who the hell is Julie?"
"I don't know." He said. "Maybe you could ask Krissy."
"What? Who the hell is Krissy? I'm so confused..." I decided that going somewhere else would get me less confused, so went through the nearest wall to see what was on the other side. It was a house! Of cherries! I quickly got a little thinger of whipped cream, and started covering the house with it. As I was working, a thought popped into my head. It was a little blue thought, and when I caught it, it only said two words: Last chapter...
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"Happy birthday dear Daaaaaaaaren! Happy birthday tooo yoooouuuuu!"
Bang! Bam! Wham! "SHIT!" or "GOD DAAAAMNIT!"
Karal fell down the stairs, screaming curses at Altra that probably would have made old ladies keel over. Altra ran over, apologizing profoundly with every step.
"Yes, well apologies don't help me up. Honestly Altra, you'd think by know you'd learn to look where I'm going!" Karal snapped. He hated when things like this happened. He always felt so stupid.
"Karal, are you alright?" Natoli rushed over to his side, kicking Altra out of the way.
"I'm fine." he replied. "Not thanks to that cat, however."
:Cry me a river, build me a bridge and get over it.: Altra replied indifferently. One of the Skans waltzed up to the threesome. (Which was a very interesting sight indeed, considering he had no idea how to waltz at all.)
:How are you liking Daren's birthday party: he asked randomly.
"It's great!" replied Natoli cheerfully. "Why do you ask?"
:Because Krissy can't think of anything else to do, and she needs to explain the 'Happy birthday Daren' thing.:
"Who's Krissy?" asked Natoli.
:I have absolutely no idea.: Skan replied.
:Then why did you say it: asked another Skan, walking up next to them.
:I was forced! The gods made me do it: the first Skan said defensively.
:Which one of the gods would this be: asked the third and final Skan, joining them.
Bright light filled the room, a disco ball appeared and "Boogie Fever" filled the air. A big cloud of stuffed pandas filled the air, and when it fell to the floor a person was standing in the middle of the floor.
"You, you and...Yeah!" the person cried, pointing at the three Skans. "You peeps are going back right now!"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" replied the Skans. "We like our chocolate pudding! Chocolate pudding isn't invented in the past!"
"Too bad! I don't care what you like! I'm fixing this now!" The person made a loud froofing noise and the Skans disappeared.
THE END
...Or is it!
Yeah, it is
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"Jeez! Can't a person even get some simple ice cream in this place? You people are sooo boring! No TV, no soda, how slow can you get!" I complained loudly, lounging lazily on a couch in Karal's room. Karal sighed.
"You might as well wait until Natoli gets here with the food. She's bringing a friend, so you'll have a whole new person to complain at."
"Food! That's another thing wrong with this place! You have cows, you have lettuce, tomatoes, bread, pickles, onions, cheese, and… umm… do you have ketchup? Well even if you don't, you do have tomatoes, so how hard can it be to make a frickin' hamburger? And from there, I have two words for you: Mickey D's. And your potatoes! Have you never heard of French fries! Chips! You have no idea…" At that moment there was, predictably, a knock at the door. At Karal's "come in", it opened to reveal Natoli, holding a tray of food. Behind her was a small blond kid. He was wearing a Healer trainee outfit, and looked extremely nervous.
"Karal, Megami," Natoli told us. "This is Yuiop." It was at this point that I fell off the couch laughing. Through my helpless laughter, I heard voices in a tiny, far away corner of my mind.
"I told you we shouldn't've named him Yuiop!" one of them said.
"It was your idea," a second replied indifferently.
"Yes, but you let me do it!" the first protested.
"Well you were so very insistent about it…" the second voice sounded a bit bored.
"I'd like you to know that I am not happy about this," a third, very depressed sounding voice put in.
"Who the hell was that?" the first voice demanded.
"I would be Marvin." The third voice sounded even more depressed than before. " Look at me. Brain the size of a planet and I'm forced to appear in some demented story."
"Julie?' the first voice asked, slightly accusingly.
"Whaat?" the second – Julie, I suppose — whined.
"Julie." Definitely an accusation this time, though there was a hint of 'you moron'.
"Well I was reading the books and then I was bored so I just started writing 'cuz it was in science and science is really boring and I was thinking about the Guide and… yeah." Julie explained.
"Julie, get rid of the depressed robot."
Julie sighed. "Fiiiiiiiiiiiiine." There was a small poof, and I stopped laughing.
"Sorry." I told Yuiop, climbing into the big chair across from the couch. "Nice to meet you. What's for lunch?"
Karal goggled at me. "What?"
"I said, 'what's for lunch?' Natoli, Yuiop, why don't you sit down?"
Natoli gave me an odd, questioning look, and sat on the couch. Yuiop looked at me like I was a bomb that was about to explode, and gingerly sat next to Natoli. Karal put the tray of food on the low table between the couch and the chair, and sat down on the other side of Natoli. As we ate, the two voices in my head returned. They seemed to be having some sort of argument.
"No, we should put that part in after the coffee part." The one called Julie said.
"But look, she's drinking coffee. After the coffee part she can't to that." The other replied.
"As if they could stop her from doing whatever she damn well wants to!"
"That's not the point!"
Idly, I wondered what they were talking about.
"You're letting her hear us?" the nameless voice said horrifiedly.
"Why not?" Julie asked. "This part's gonna end up in the last chapter anyway!"
"Well it wouldn't if you hadn't let her hear us!"
"Sooo?"
"So you're a dork!"
"Moron!"
"Idiot!"
"Dope!"
"Dope? I like dope."
"Dope is goooooooooood."
Ah. That explained it. I'd always thought that there might be some part of me that was on drugs. This was just finally confirming that thought.
"Krissy!" Julie accused. "Now look what you did! You made her think we're on drugs, you dork!"
"Jerk!"
"Stupid!"
"Loser!"
"Ow! What was that for?"
"Hey! That hurt!"
The argument in my head quickly deteriorated into what sounded like a fistfight.
-------------------------------
"Good morning, Megami." Karal greeted her cheerfully as she rippled out of the wall. Megami grunted in response, stumbling her way across his room.
:Doesn't this bother you: Altra asked curiously.
"Does what bother me?" Karal replied, watching with interest as Megami tripped over a chair.
:This.: Altra responded irritably, as Megami picked herself off of the floor and ran into the couch. :This… thing she does every morning. Every day at exactly 11:42 she comes through your wall, walks across your room and manages to trip over every single thing on the floor—: Here Megami tripped over a pile of books and fell on herface. :and then disappears through the other wall:
"Not really." Karal said cheerfully. Altra fell off the table where he had been perched, while Megami tripped over Karal's bed and landed with a whump. Altra leaped gracefully back onto the table, looking slightly miffed. Karal giggled and swung his legs.
Finally, Megami had made her way to the far wall, feeling around carefully for obstacles in her path.
:Come on, trudge a little faster: barked Altra in annoyance, and Megami promptly turned towards him and turned the offending animal into a teapot. Karal tittered behind his hand and swung his legs some more.
:This isn't funny, Karal.: the teapot/Altra said, sounding disgruntled.
"Sure it is!" Karal chirruped merrily, and then clapped his hands to his face in dismay. "Oh, no! Watch—"
WHAM!
"…Out."
There was a funny whistling noise as Altra choked back laughter, for Megami had just ran into the wall. Karal ran over to her in a decidedly girly fashion, crouched down next to where she had collapsed on the floor, and then got back up and ran girlishly over to where Altra was and set him down next to Megami.
"She's dead!" he declared tearfully.
:No, she's just been knocked out. Unfortunately.: Altra stated.
Karal turned a pale shade of green. "Oooh, I just can't stand unconscious people!" he wailed, squirming uncomfortably. They are just so icky!" Altra gave him an odd look. "I don't feel well. Karal proclaimed loudly, and promptly fell over in a faint. Megami picked that exact moment to wake up.
"Whu'm I?" she muttered, blinking at Altra. "Why'r you a t'put?"
:Karal's room. On the floor. Because you turned me into one.:
Megami mumbled something that sounded like 'hotypotygrid.'
------------------------
"Monsieur !" Megami's voice rang out in the silent room. "Le triceratops!" Karal stared at her.
"Are you sure it's not la triceratops ?" he asked.
"How should I know, my French teacher only said it once! What? What the hell am I talking about? I don't have a French teacher! I don't even go to school!" Megami shouted. "Now, about that triceratops--"
"French?" Karal interrupted. "I thought that was Jkathan."
"AAARG!" Megami screamed. "Est-ce tu parles avec la glace? Non!"
"You make absolutely no sense." Karal informed her calmly.
And that was when the triceratops attacked. Various random people ran screaming in front of a huge, angry looking, plaid triceratops. Though how it looked angry, Karal could not say, as it had absolutely no expression as far as he could tell. The triceratops, who we will now call Bob as the author is too lazy to keep writing out "the triceratops", charged into the middle of the room, stopped, and looked around. Wherever its rather stupid looking gaze fell, people hid behind each other. This did not work very well, as everyone was trying to hide behind someone, and no one wanted to be hid behind.
"Je ne comprend pas," Megami muttered. "This is not what I was trying to do."
"What were you trying to do?" Karal asked, completely ignoring the huge creature ten feet away from him.
"Je ne sais paaaaaaaas," Megami complained. "It was supposed to make them go home!"
"Are they gone then?" Karal asked her, as Bob decided that the thing to do was to charge at the strange blond girl standing next to the black haired guy.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Megami yelled. Karal watched in amusement as she ran through the wall, Bob close behind.
"Uh, Megami?" Karal called after her. "You're a goddess. You can just make it go through you." This advice, however, did absolutely no good whatsoever, as both Megami and Bob were through the wall, leaving a gaping hole in their wake. Karal stood where he was for a couple minutes, then decided to follow Megami and Bob. It was perfectly easy to see where they had gone, as Bob was about a foot too big to fit through the hall without destroying anything.
"Tu es un petit stylo!" Karal heard Megami shout from somewhere ahead of him. "Tu beau lit! Tu n'as pas de vélo!"
Karal turned a corner, and found himself in a largish room. From the broken state of the walls, Karal guessed that the room had, until recently, been two rooms and part of a hall. Megami stood at the far end of the room, brandishing The Spoon at Bob.
"Je ne suis pas de jeune montre! Mais tu! Tu es un grand steak! Non, un steak-frites! Frites, et un café. J'aime le café. Non, j'adore le café! Je veux le café. Je—YAAA!"
At this point Bob charged once more at Megami, who vanished in a puff of stuffed pandas. Random giggling little kids ran in, took the pandas, and ran out again. Karal fell over. Then he got up, and fell over again. Then, just for the heck of it, did a handstand and started walking around on his hands while juggling fifteen pumpkins with his feet and singing "Lavan's Last Battle" at the top of his lungs. Bob glared at him.
"Yowaiyowashii!" Megami screamed, appearing in another cloud of stuffed pandas, just behind Bob's right front leg. "WHAM!" She hit Bob on the elbow, and he blinked, then turned into a gigantic stuffed panda. Random giggling little kids ran in, took the little pandas, ran out, came back, took the big panda, and ran out again.
"Kintama." Megami muttered sticking her tongue out at the stuffed panda.
"That's not very nice, you know," Karal informed her, falling over and dropping a pumpkin on his head.
"You know what?" Megami asked. "This is just getting ridiculous. I mean come on. You not only know French, but you also know Japanese? How likely is that?"
"Considering that you were just speaking Karsite, pretty likely." Karal replied dryly. Megami blinked.
"Did you know that you're a pumpkin head?" she asked. Belatedly, Karal realized that the pumpkin that had fallen on his head had broken so that his head was inside the pumpkin. He also realized that Bob had somehow gotten himself turned into a grizzly bear, and was now breathing down Megami's neck.
"Hi Bob!" Karal said brightly. Megami turned around.
"Faen i helvette te forpulte fitta!" she screamed at Bob.
"But he's a guy!" Karal protested. "Fitta is only for girls!" Megami stared at him.
"You know Norweigan too?" she exploded. "Is there anything I know that you don't? Tu zapatos es muy largos! Furnulum pani nolo! Fagged goober guttiwuts! Gogomby doky ganga! Nadmenny nadsat noga! Nihil curo de ista tua stulta superstitione! Kala cully, zulu doky! Nagoy malenky koshka krov!"
"That's really not very nice you know, even if most of it doesn't make sense." He informed her, just as Bob got the bright idea to take a bite out of his head. Fortunately, Karal's head was still currently a pumpkin, and all that happened was that Megami was shoved into the wall in Bob's hurry to get to the pretty orange thing.
"Hey!" she shouted. "You wanna piece a me? Ruaka mbala!"
"But you don't have a knife!" Karal protested, looking confused through his pumpkin. At this point, Megami snuck up behind Bob, and with a shouted "WHAM!", turned him into a giant (though not as gigantic as the first time) stuffed panda. Random giggling kids ran in, but before they could grab the panda, Megami jumped on it, and ripped its head off, shouting "Utinam barbari spatioum proprium tuum invadant! Sheka, gooloo bauba! Tu hermano es una chinchilla!" She ripped the stuffing out of the panda, as the random little kids (who had stopped giggling) watched in horror. A few burst into tears and ran away, and the rest followed. When Megami had pulled the last little bit of stuffing out of the panda's flattened body, she looked around in confusion.
"Where's Altra?" she asked.
"He's hiding in the broom closet because Kero threatened to make Firecat stew if he didn't shut up and go away."
Megami looked confused. "Why didn't he just blast her or something?"
Karal blinked. "I don't know, why didn't you just blast Bob or something?"
"Duh!" Megami gestured at the scattered stuffing on the floor. "This was much more fun! Why can you see?"
"Because I'm not really Karal." Karal pulled an invisible zipper on his forehead, unzipping his skin. "I'm Yuiop! And this isn't really The Spoon," Yuiop stepped out of Karal's skin, which inexplicably disappeared, and grabbed The Spoon out of Megami's shocked fingers. He then took another invisible zipper, and unzipped The Spoon, saying, "It's The Fork!" Megami looked at him suspiciously.
"How did you steal The Spoon?" she asked slowly. Yuiop grinned fiendishly.
"Because I'm not really Yuiop!" He declared triumphantly, unzipping his forehead again. "I'm Noipe! And this isn't really The Fork. It's…" He unzipped The Fork, and tossed the discarded skin over his shoulder, where it inexplicably disappeared, along with the other. He held the newly unzipped object up, revealing— "The Spork!"
Megami stared blankly for a couple seconds, then jumped at Noipe, screaming at the top of her lungs.
"GIVEITBACKIT'SMINEYOUSTOLEITYOUKILLEDTHESPOONYOUEVILFIENDIHATEYOUWHATDIDYOUDOTOITYOUEVILEVILPERSONYOU'RETHEWORSTPERSONINALLTHEWORLDSCOMBINEDIHATEYOURSTUPIDGUTSGIMMEBACKTHESPOONRIGHTNOWYOUSTUPIDPIECEOFYOWAIYOWASHIIIHATEYOUGOAWAYGIMMEBACKTHESPOONMAKEITASPOONAGAINYOUSTUPIDEVILFIENDIHATEYOUWHOTHEHELLAREYOUANYWAYYOUEVILSPOONSTEALINGFIENDWHYDOYOUMURDERINNOCENTSPOONSWHONEVERDIDATHINGTOYOUWHYSHOULDTHEYDESERVETOBETURNEDINTOSPORKSBYEVILSPOONSTEALINGFIENDSLIKEYOUYOUEVILMONSTERFIENDDEMONTHINGTHATISREALLYREALLYEVILIHATEYOUSOMUCHICOULDJUSTSCREAMWHICHI'MALREADYDOINGSOIHATEYOUEVENMOREBECAUSEICAN'TDOANYTHINGABOUTITWHICHMAKESMEREALLYREALLYMADBECAUSEYOU'REAREALLYREALLYEVILSPOONKILLINGFIENDANDIHATEYOUAREALLYREALLYLOTBECAUSEYOUSTOLETHESPOONANDANDYOUKILLEDTHESPOONANDYOUAREAREALLYREALLYEVILEVILPERSONANDIWANTMYSPOONBACKGIVEITTOMENOWIHATEYOUGIMMEBACKTHESPOONIDON'TWANTASTUPIDSPORKGIVEITTOMENOWYOUEVILSPOONSTEALINGFIENDIHATEYOUIWILLALWAYSHATEYOUFORTHERESTOFMYLIFEBECAUSEYOUSTOLETHESPOONYOUEVILSPOONSTEALINGFIENDIHATEYOUYOU'RESUCHACRUELTHIEFPERSONWHOSTEALSDEFENCELESSSPOONSWHONEVERDIDANYTHINGTOANYONEORORANYTHINGEXCEPTMAYBETURNAFEWPEOPLEINTOSTUFFEDPANDASANDTHEYALLDESERVEDITSOMYSPOONNEVERDESERVEDTO—"
"Megami." Noipe cut in, noticing that her face was an interesting cross between olive green and neon yellow. "Breathe." Automatically, Megami stopped screaming, and took a breath. Then, apparently deciding this was a good thing, took another. Noipe took this as an invitation to continue. "I," He puffed out his chest proudly. "Am your long lost twin half brother twice removed!"
Megami got a slightly crazed look in her eyes, and advanced on Noipe slowly. Noipe took one look at her expression, and bolted down the broken hallway.
"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! DON'THURTMEPLEASEDON'THURTMEEEE!" He screamed, turning around to see how far Megami was behind him.
Fortunately, she was still about two doors behind. Unfortunately, the hall chose that exact moment to turn, and Noipe ran straight into the wall and passed out.
A toe poked his side. Hard. Noipe looked around blearily, and saw a bright yellow head above the side that had been poked. "YAAaa…a?"
Megami frowned at him, and thrust The Spork towards his face. "Fix it." She demanded. Noipe took it, took off the illusion he had put on it, and handed it back. As soon as Megami had The Spoon in her hand, there was a "WHAM!" and Noipe found himself unable to move or speak. Giving Megami The Spoon was, he realized, probably not a good idea. It was interesting, thought. He'd never been a stuffed panda before…
----
I glared at the creepy guy, who was now safely pandatized. "For your information," I informed him. "It's only possible to be my twin half brother if you also happen to be my fifty-third cousin. It is not possible to be twice removed." I sensed Noipe struggling to speak though his pandaness, and frowned. That meant he actually was a god. Only gods were still aware after I pandaed them. Mortals turned completely inanimate, and were a lot harder to change back. Assuming I wanted to change him back. Which was not certain. But that was actually not the point. The point was, Noipe was a god. He may be a liar who was pretending to be my twin half brother twice removed, but he was a god. Damn. That meant I would have to turn him back eventually, because gods and goddesses our age often had parents whom got a bit upset if their children were turned into stuffed pandas. Even Mother would be mad. Probably. But that wasn't the point either. I sighed, tied a random rope around the panda's neck, and dragged him off towards Karal's room. Karal was at his desk, and looked up when I came in.
"Not again, Megami! Who is it this time? I wish you would leave people alone."
I frowned. "For your information, this is a god who stole The Spoon and claimed to be my long lost twin half brother twice removed." Karal raised an eyebrow. "And is he?" he inquired blandly.
"Of course not!" I yelled. "People can only be my twin half brother twice removed if they are my fifty-third cousin! Don't you know anything?"
I got the impression that Karal wanted to roll his eyes, but he didn't. "Of course not," he said instead. "For I am a mere mortal and so therefore I am stupid. It is only through the kindness of divine beings such as yourself that I have even an ounce of intelligence."
I peered suspiciously at him for a couple seconds. "Good." I said, dragging Noipe into my room. "It's about time you realized that!" There was an odd choking noise behind me as I shut the door of my room. "Now." I told Noipe. "I am going to unpanda you, and you will sit there nicely until I tell you otherwise. If you do not do this, I will repanda you. You will tell me who the hell you are, what the hell you're trying to do, when the hell you started doing this, where the hell you're from, why the hell you're here, and how the hell you stole The Spoon and turned it into a spork." Slowly and carefully, I lifted the pandaness off of Noipe, transforming him back into god. "Now talk!" I said, jabbing The Spoon at him. Noipe made a face at me.
"I'm the son of the Goddess and Mithros. I am trying to find you and bring you back. I started a little over a week ago. I'm from the Realms of the Gods, duh. I'm here because Father thinks it's time for you to decide what you want to be the goddess of and take your place among us. I stole your spoon because you don't have anything against gods on it, just mortals. And it was just illusion.
I scowled at him. "Who the hell is Mithros?" I demanded.
Noipe goggled at me. "You don't know who Mithros is?" he asked incredulously. "He's only the like, the most important god in the Tortallen world! How can you not know who he is? And what are you doing in this world anyway?"
"Tortall? What the hell are you talking about? Why shouldn't I be here? Mother comes here sometimes, so why can't I?"
"The Great Mother Goddess comes here?"
"Noooo, the Star Eyed goddess comes here."
"The who?"
"I could ask you the same thing!"
"You mean you're not my twin half sister twice removed?"
"No shit Sherlock! I already told you! If you want do by my twin half brother you have to be my fifty-third cousin!"
"So what you're saying is that I've been following the wrong Megami for the last week?"
"You've been following me for a week?"
I jumped at Noipe with The Spoon raised, intending to repanda him. Unfortunately for me, Noipe pulled a spork out of the air above his head, stepped to the side to avoid me, and hit me over the head.
"BANG!" He shouted. I fell on the floor, rolled over, and stared at him.
"Bang?" I asked in my very best 'what are you, stupid?' voice.
"It's just as good as wham!" Noipe protested.
I snorted, but didn't say anything.
"Do you have a problem with my word?" Noipe demanded. "Because if you do," he took a deep breath. "I Challenge you!"
I had raised myself to a sitting position, but now I fell over again. Adults Challenged each other for each little insult, but anyone younger than twenty rarely did it. In a Challenge, two deities fought with their own special weapons, until one of the weapons made a successful hit. The loser generally had to do something for the winner, but it was different every time. The use of any other powers was prohibited, and a third deity watched the pair to make sure they obeyed the rules.
"Are you INSANE? We can't do that!" I shrieked.
"Why not?" Noipe wanted to know. I pummeled my brain to come up with a good answer.
"Because…um…becaaause…OH! We don't have anyone to be a ref!"
Noipe shrugged. "We can use the kid in the other room."
"Karal! He's not a god! I'm the only one here!"
"Does it actually say anywhere that the ref has to be a god?"
"Well how is he supposed to tell if we're cheating?"
"We'll tell him how to tell!"
"But—"
"Do you actually have a real protest this time?"
I stuck my tongue out at Noipe, and with a muttered "fine", stalked through the wall into Karal's room. I then went over to the desk, turned around, and sat down on the floor. A couple seconds later, Noipe ambled through the door. I frowned at him.
"You get to explain things to him, since it was your idea." I informed Noipe.
"Kung fu watermelon!" Karal declared. Noipe stared at him for a few seconds, then plopped down on the couch and started making kitty noises. After a bit, Karal nodded vigorously, meeped a few times, and fell on his head. Noipe got up and faced me.
"Shall we begin?" he asked. There was a small froofing noise, and Karal's furniture disappeared, leaving the three of us in a bare, vaguely squareish room. I got up, raised The Spoon, and waited for Karal to tell us to start.
"The peanuts will never overthrow the pumpernickel bread." Karal said, nodding sagely. "And you shall bump noses now!"
Taking this as the order to begin, I attacked Noipe. For the first time in my life, all the moves Mother taught me were actually worth something. I went smoothly from Little Squirrel Bites to Rabid Mutant Bunny Rabbit Attacks. Then, as Noipe attacked back, I countered with Don't You Dare Touch Me You Fiend. Things continued like this for some time, until I ran into Karal and fell over. There was a loud
"BANG!", and I fond myself shrinking to the size of a pea. In fact, I
realized as I turned green, I was becoming a pea.
"A PEA? How boring can you get?" I tried to yell. Unfortunately, I was losing my mouth at the time, and it didn't work very well. It kind of came out "A PSHE? Hw brring grssh…"
Noipe smirked at me. "Having problems?" He asked.
"The seaweed is blue in Timbuktu!" Karal put in.
I glared at both of them. Or at least I tried to. It was rather difficult considering I was a pea at the time. Noipe bent down and picked me up, then threw me across the room with an evil cackle.
"EEEHEEHEEHEEEE! TAKE THAT YOU EVIL PERSON THAT I JUST RANDOMLY
STARTED HATING LIKE TWENTY MINUTES AGO!"
"Sometimes, the sky turns purple and farts at me," Karal commented.
Abruptly, I turned into a green spotted cow. Mooing wildly, I charged at Noipe, while Karal started jumping off the walls and growling like tweety bird.
"GreACH!" Noipe exclaimed happily. "WOOOOOOP!" He turned to run away from me, just as I hit him. I was a fairly short cow, and my horns hit him in the posterior, one on either cheek. Noipe started shrieking wildly, and turned pastel pink. Karal looked at him interestedly, and patted him on the head before spinning around in a circle and leaping into a stuffed chicken's ear. At this point, there was a big popping noise, and Noipe disappeared. I turned back into myself, and Karal's furniture poofed back into place. Unfortunately, Karal's bed poofed into place right on top of me.
"MLEAH!" I squawked.
"Is that sort of like when they give you a big piece of pie that spits plaid acid at you in your sleep?" Karal inquired, while jumping in and out of the stuffed chicken. The chicken evidently decided that it didn't like this, for it abruptly turned into a coffeepot, trapping Karal inside.
"COFFEE!" I yelled, trying to run towards the coffeepot. This was not such a good idea, for I was on my back with a bed on top of me, and I succeeded only in banging my head.
"YOOOP! WEEEEEEEE! NUMMYBROWNSTUFF!" Karal shrieked from the coffeepot.
"Nooo," I whined back at him. "Megami wants the coffee!"
"AHAHAHAHAHAHAIT'SMINEALLMINE! Oooo, lookit the pretty spider! OW! JERK! I HATE you! MOOOOMMY!" Karal screamed happily. Concerned that he would drink all my coffee, I turned into a potato and rolled into the coffeepot. Once inside, I made myself a mouth and gulped in all the coffee I could hold.
"BLEEAAAAAGH! THAT'S – THAT'S NOT COFFEE!" I shrieked, turning back into myself. Unfortunately, myself was bigger than the coffeepot, which broke open and spilled tea or some shit all over Karal's carpet.
And that's when the moles attacked. A small fish-shaped chunk of rock ran by screaming, closely followed by a pack of moles brandishing sharp pointy objects at it. Within three seconds, the moles caught the rock, hacked it to pieces, and started advancing on Karal and me.
"Megami," Karal hissed at me. "I hafta tinkle."
I blinked. "So jump over them and go." I hissed back, gesturing at the menacing moles.
"'Kay," Karal hissed. He then leaped over the moles, trailing greenish purple feathers behind him, which fell on the moles. Wherever feathers fell, the moles dropped their sharp pointy objects, fell to their knees, and started worshiping the Mighty Rubber Chicken. The moles that didn't get fallen on took out their calculators and incinerated the worshipers. They then threw chalkboards at each other and stuck their sharp point objects into my toe. This rather hurt. I screamed. Screaming didn't make it hurt less. Then I blinked. Blinking made it stop hurting, so I fell asleep and started snoring. I decided I liked this, and would have done it for the rest of the day, but Karal came back and Altra sat on my head.
:I SMITE YOU: he yelled at me. :YOU SHALL NEVER ESCAPE:
Blearily, I shoved him off, and sat up. "Meh?" I inquired intelligently.
Karal giggled. "The cheese is especially green smelling today." He informed me.
"Ah." I nodded in an understanding manner.
:SMITE: Altra roared. :SMITE SMITE SMITEY SMITE:
"WACHOO!" said Bob, who had turned into a seven-foot tall jellyfish and was standing behind me.
"HOW many times to I have to kill you, boy?" I demanded, whirling around to blast the lamp from his hands.
"Eheh. That's from Aladdin," Karal said in the stupidest voice I had ever heard.
"No shit Sherlock!" I replied, turning around again to give him a weird look.
"I wanna be a mongoose!" Bob exclaimed.
I turned again to give Bob a look. "You can be… a dog." I told him.
"Can I be a mongoose dog?" Bob inquired.
"Invader Zim is cool!" Karal exclaimed happily.
"Of course he is, dear," I said sympathetically, patting him on the head.
:SMITE: Altra put in. :I SHALL SMITE ALL OF YOU:
"I'm a man of respect and I prefer to be addressed as Padrino!" Bob shouted at us.
"PADRINO!" Karal and me yelled in reply.
:SMITE: Altra responded.
"Leave the singin' to Sonatra, and always keep your big trap shut!" Bob sang.
Altra jumped into the air, and abruptly turned into a red parrot.
"HA ha!" I shouted at him. "Altra's a purdy burdy!"
"Gaah!" Altra squawked back. "I do' wanna be a bird! I eat birds! And why am I talking in this stupid parrot voice instead of Mindspeaking?"
"I eat birds too," Bob put in with a toothy grin. Wait. Do jellyfish have teeth? Or mouths? Oh well, he's a dog now. A mongoose dog. Don't ask me what that looks like. Aaanyway…
"YAAAH!" Altra yelled as he frantically tried to get away from Bob's wild lunges towards him. "Crazy dog! Mongoose! Thing! Get aWAY! Megamiiiii, get this thing away from meeeeee!"
I considered this for a while. Or at least about a second. "Uhhh… No." I decided.
At this, Altra turned bright Green with rage, and blasted Bob into a random palm tree. "GAAAAAH! Look at this! LOOK at this! I'm so ticked off that I'm MOLTING!"
"Calm yourself, Altra," I said in an evil voice. "Obviously Bob was less than worthy."
"Now THERE'S a big surprise! What a HUGE surprise! I think I'm gonna have a HEART ATTACK and DIE from THAT SURPRISE! We got a BIG problem here, Megami, a BIG PR—" Altra was cut off as I clamped his beak shut.
"Yes," I told him dryly.
"I think jellyfish are really icky." Karal put in.
"I concussion!" Bob agreed dazedly, pulling himself off of the palm tree, which promptly disappeared.
"I'll concussion you!" Altra squawked, turning into a rhino and charging at Bob. Bob responded by turning into a small monkey in a funny hat, and brandishing a large sword at all of us.
"HE'S GOT A SWORD!" I screamed panicedly.
"You IDIOT!" Altra roared. "We've ALL got swords!" With a start, I realized that Altra, Karal, and me had turned into large burly men with big funny turban hats, no shirts, and large pointy swords.
"The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain." Karal commented, showing four gaps in his teeth.
"CHAAAAAAAAAARGE!" Altra yelled, pointing his sword at bob and running. Karal and I quickly followed suit.
"Blub!" Bob meeped, before gingerly setting down his sword and bolting. We all ran after him for about three feet then ran into the wall and fell over each other trying to stop without falling over.
"YOW!" Bob yelled, as she all turned back into ourselves.
Unfortunately, Bob's self was a triceratops, and was not quite small enough for Karal's room. This caused two walls and part of the ceiling to fall over.
:YOU: Altra yelled at Bob. :YOU—YOU—YOU WATERMELON! GO FALL ON SOMEONE ELSE'S Tree house! And NEVER EVER! COME HERE! EVER! AGAIN:
Bob looked tearfully and Altra, and turned around, knocking down part of a third was and more of the ceiling. He then walked out, knocking over the fourth wall. There was then a greenish purple zapping noise, and the walls stood up, Karal fell over, and I screamed. For no apparent reason. This caused Altra to glare at me, sniff haughtily, and lay down on Karal's chest. I fell over, stood on my head, and cried. Then I died. For no apparent reason.
--
Aaaand, that's it. Rocks fall. Everyone dies. Go home. Or not. Whatever. But there's nothing more to see here.