Just Another Love Song
Beat 5: Smoke and Blondes

Saturday afternoon rolls around before my eyes open. It takes a few minutes and half a cup of coffee before last night rolls back to me.

I start itching for a cigarette; which is funny because I've never smoked before.

Humoring myself, I get dressed and head down to the local store and buy a pack and a lighter. Once I get home with my new purchases, I head out onto the balcony and finger a stick for a few minutes before I light it up. After three years of inhaling second-hand smoke, it only takes a few puffs before I'm smoking like I've been doing it for years. Now, at least, I can see why Yuki smokes. I feel a lot calmer.

Wait, I was upset? I stare down at the cigarette in my hand for a few minutes and then flick it over the railing. Then I grab the pack and light another. By the time the sun sets I've smoked half a pack and ate cold leftover pizza.

And I stink like no tomorrow. It's only then that I realize I slept in my sweaty clothes all night and never did take a shower. A few more pizza boxes and empty beer cans and my place would look like a bachelor's pad. I laugh at the thought for a few seconds until last night starts replaying in my head. I grab the cigarettes and light another.

Damn. I do feel guilty.

I might still love the bastard after all.

I sigh as I look down at the pack of smokes, Yuki's brand. I wasn't even paying attention when I bought them. Force of habit I tell myself. I did buy his cigarette a lot of times, after all. Somehow I'm back on the balcony and somewhere in the house my cell phone is going off. I ignore it, preferring to stare out at what parts of the city I can see from my third story apartment. A few seconds later and it's going off again. Oh yeah. It's Saturday. That's probably Hiro calling.

I head back inside, cigarette clenched between my teeth as I search around for my cell phone. I finally find it just as it stops ringing. Figures. I bring up the missed calls list and see Hiro's number twice. The phone goes off just as I'm about to dial his number and I answer it.

"Hello?"

"There you are! What the hell took so long?"

"What are you paranoid 'mother'?"

I hear him laugh on the other end. "With you I never know. What's up?"

"Not a lot Hiro. Just munching on leftover pizza."

"Ewww…" he makes fake gagging sounds on the other end. "So gross Shuichi."

I grin. Hiro can't stand eating pizza cold. One of his little ticks in life. "MMmmmm…." I decide to tease him and make like I'm eating it now, though I finished a while ago. I laugh when he starts making barfing noises.

"God you're weird."

"Just like everyone else." I chuckle.

"Anyway, wanna go out tonight? Maybe to a club or something?"

"You're allowed to?"

"Yeah. The old ball and chain is already tired of me…" I hear the phone drop to the floor and the sound of someone getting beaten with a pillow. At least I hope it's a pillow. A few minutes later a breathless Ayaka picks up.

"Forget what he just said Shuichi. I'm afraid Mr. Nakano won't be going anywhere for awhile."

"That's because you broke half the bones in my body woman!"

I couldn't help but start laughing as the sounds of Hiro getting further brutalized come through the phone.

"He'll talk to you later!" Ayaka chirps out, even though it sounds like she's still whooping up on him.

I hear a muffled 'bye Shuichi' in the background before the phone goes dead. And he calls me weird? I've woken up a little now, and thanks to the antics of my best friend and his wife, I actually feel pretty good. I finish the cigarette in my hand and put it out in a nearly empty soda can. Instant ashtray I snicker. Deciding not to fall into old habits, I spend the next hour cleaning the place up. Another reason why I like a small apartment: takes so little time to clean. By the time I shower and change it's almost eight. I wasted most of the day sleeping and cleaning. Well, and smoking too. If I'm going to start this habit I should probably go buy a carton and save some money. Though, being a singer, this isn't really the wisest of habits to pick up on.

The doorbell going off interrupts my thoughts and I feel my entire body freeze up. Only so many people could be at the other side. I can mentally check Hiro off, having talked to him a little bit ago. He, no doubt, wouldn't be going out tonight. That only left Yuki, if he was brave enough to look me up; or Tohma, the only other person who could hunt me down and would bother to show up. The doorbell rings again and I finally get up. Might as well.

I look through the peephole, but can only see blonde hair. Well that sure as hell doesn't help. I sigh and turn the deadbolt, leaving the chain in place as I open the door a crack. If it's Yuki and he's pissed, the chain will stop him long enough for me to slam and re-lock the door.

Shit. It's Tohma.

"What can I do for you Mr. Seguchi?"

The blonde President gives me that 'we need to talk' creepy smile. It almost makes me shudder, even now. I manage to suppress it though, point for me.

"May I come in Mr. Shindou? I need to talk to you about something important."

I doubt I'm going to like what he's got to say. But he is my boss, so it's not like I have a choice. I shut the door and un-do the chain before opening it up and stepping aside to let him in. I watch his head go back and forth while he head to the living room, no doubt assessing the place in his mind as he goes. He sits down on the couch, resting his hands in his lap, looking for all intents and purposes like a harmless friend coming to give you sage advice.

Such bullshit. He might as well be a wolf wearing a sheep's costume.

Or a shark in a really disco looking hat.

"Would you like something to drink?" Must behave. Must remain polite.

"No thank you. I must admit, you've done a wonderful job in decorating your apartment. It's definitely you."

I study him for a quick second and decide he's being as honest as he gets. Compliments aren't given out in mass from Tohma, and they're usually sincere.

"Thank you Mr. Seguchi." I decide to just let him control the conversation. It makes things easier on me.

"I was surprised, of course, to learn today that you and Eiri had broken up."

That surprised me. Tohma had only found out today? I don't get the chance to say anything before he speaks again.

"Have you been smoking?"

I can feel the heat rising to my face. I didn't even think to hide my makeshift ashtray, or the pack of cigarettes on the coffee table.

"Ahhh…yes?"

A look passes over his face then. It's brief, but it was there. It almost looked like…pity? Sadness? I'm not sure.

"So this has affected you."

I cock my head to the side. "You thought otherwise?"

"Well I haven't heard anything from K or Sakano about odd behavior and Eiri never said anything until today."

"I see. You thought I didn't care at all."

He reaches out and picks up the cigarette pack, obviously noting that it's Yuki's brand and nods.

"Do you?" he asks quietly.

I sigh and run a hand through my hair. "I don't know what I feel anymore. I'm so confused it hurts."

Tohma places the pack back down and turns to look at me. "Do you still love him?"

Somehow I knew that question was coming. Despite that fact, it still takes me a bit by surprise. Though Tohma wouldn't be Tohma if he didn't interfere and try to makes things work like he wants them too.

"I wish I could say yes Mr. Seguchi. But I don't want to lie to you. Truthfully, I don't know how I feel anymore. I think I do still love him, but I honestly can't be sure right now."

"If he wanted you back, would you go?"

"No."

That was automatic and the total truth. He looks shocked for a second. No one ever thought that I'd refuse to go back to Yuki. It would like the next apocalypse or something. At least, a few years ago it would have.

"May I ask why?"

I look at him hard. He may be my boss and Yuki's brother-in-law, but I do not like sharing my feelings with a man who might very likely turn around and use them against me.

"You don't have to answer that." He says.

Ah, he must sense my sudden hostility. I sigh again. No. Tohma might be a manipulative bastard but telling him will, in essence, tell Yuki. I have no doubt the moment he leaves he'll call my lover…ex-lover, and give him every detail of this conversation.

"I can't go back." I say quietly.

He sits quietly for a moment while I try to figure out how to explain this to him. I jump when his hands rests on my shoulder until I realize he's trying to give me a bit of support to talk.

It's a strange feeling considering the man has never really touched me before now.

"Nothing…nothing would change. I still won't be good enough to help him and he'll still be treating me like I'm nothing. You've put up with it longer than I have. I guess I'm just not as strong as you are."

That's beyond true. Even though Tohma isn't Yuki's lover or anything, he's still been putting up with the man's cold attitude for years and years. He knew him when he wasn't like this, so I can understand how it has to be so much harder for him to deal with the way Yuki is now. Tohma's a pain in the ass most times, but I respect him for that.

My head is starting to hurt. Do I even have aspirin?

"What if he changed for you?"

"I don't want that!"

The hand removes itself from my shoulder at that sudden outburst. Tohma's probably pretty damn confused right now, and for once, it's showing on his face.

"If Yuki changes the way he is, I want it to be because he wants to change. Not for me, not for anyone else, for himself. I've always loved him for who he is. But I always hoped that one day he would want to heal himself. That he would want to love me back. But I never wanted him to change for me. But I can't take it anymore. I'm not strong enough to wait as long as he needs to heal. I'm just…just…"

I can feel the tears behind my eyes and push my hands against them, willing them not to fall. Tohma is quiet, allowing me the chance to collect myself before he asks.

I should have a bottle of aspirin around here somewhere.

"You just what, Shuichi?"

"…I'm just…afraid..." I manage.

God I feel really tired right now.

"Afraid?"

"That when he does heal himself…he'll realize how worthless I really am."

I have no idea where all this is coming from. It's like my brain is on autopilot and I can't stop my mouth from going on. Is this…is this what I really think? Do I really think I'm worthless? Damn it all this time and it's me? Maybe I'm finally having that mental breakdown. Check please!

It takes a few minutes to realize I'm crying now; and a few more to process the fact that I'm being held. Tohma, who never seemed to like me at all, is hugging me. He's…fuck, he's comforting me!

I think I'm dreaming.

Someone wake me up!