Just Another Love Song
Beat 7: Love? Hate?

After much fussing about, I managed to convince Tohma to take me home. I still had a fever but all I really wanted to do was go home, take a long bath, and curl up in a bed that was at least semi-familiar to me. It didn't hurt that no one has a key to my place yet so I knew I wouldn't have any night visitors. I still wasn't sure what to make of last night. It probably would have been better if I'd really been asleep and didn't have to hear that conversation. Even though I was so sure a few days ago that I didn't love Yuki anymore, all I want to do now is run back to him and tell him I didn't give a shit how he acted so long as I was with him.

God I'm weak.

I was hoping a few more days of independent living in my apartment would squash some of those old feelings that were popping up. Once we get there Tohma walks we to the door, even though I say I'm fine. Then he sees me inside, even though I say I'm fine. I think I'm starting to understand why Yuki gets so pissy whenever Tohma and Mika come over.

Eventually I get the man to go home and quickly dive into a hot bath. I keep struggling to stay awake; the hot water feels so good…

The doorbell wakes me up and I immediately start to shiver. Damn, how long was I in here anyway? The water is freezing now! I crawl out of the bath, feeling worse after my nap instead of better. Well, I doubt many people would advise falling asleep in a hard tub immersed in water anyway. I dry off as fast as I can managed and throw a robe on. The doorbell goes off two more times before I finally get to it. I don't bother peeking out the hole this time; just throw it open, expecting Tohma or Hiro to be on the other side.

Of course I'm wrong.

It's Yuki.

We stare at each other for a few minutes; obviously we're both nervous. Or rather, he's nervous and I'm really embarrassed for some reason. I guess I'm still feeling guilty about yelling at him like I did. Though now I don't know why I should feel guilty. It's not like I lied when I said all that I did. Okay, if we keep standing here like this I'm going to pass out.

"Do you want to come in?"

He nods quickly, a bit of relief flashing across his face and I step aside to let him in. Honestly, is this a good idea? I guess we should probably talk at some point. But does it have to be when I feel like shit run over and lit on fire? We make our way to the living room and he, like Tohma, glances around at my apartment and takes it all in.

"Do you want anything to drink?"

God I sound so formal. He might as well be Tohma. Well, before my emotional collapse the other day.

"Um…no. Thanks."

I nod. "Okay. Then I'm just gonna go get dressed."

I don't wait for a reply, just bolt towards the bedroom. I know I'll feel a bit better if I'm a little more covered than a flimsy bathrobe. By the time I have clothes on again, I start to wonder if it was such a good idea to leave Yuki to root around my apartment. No doubt he's found my cigarettes by now…

He's holding them up to me when I re-enter the living room. Yep. He found them all right. He's doesn't look too happy about that either.

"You started smoking?"

"One afternoon." I answer.

I watch his eyebrow rise. "You smoked almost a whole pack in one afternoon?"

I shrug. I don't know if he cared or what. Why is everyone jumping on me about this anyway? I haven't had one since then.

"When did you start?"

"That afternoon."

He starts to open his mouth, most likely to continue his little interrogation, but I'm more than tired of his stalling.

"I have a mother thank you. Is this what you came here for? Because I already heard it from Tohma."

Yuki seems unable to speak for a few minutes. I actually surprised myself. Normally I would have just kept quiet, answered his questions, and listened to him go on about whatever until he was done. Then agreed to whatever he said like a good little boy. Well damn it, I'm not a good little boy anymore and I'm tired of being treated like I should be.

It takes the shocked expression on his face and a few minutes before I realize I said that last little bit out loud. I watch him sit down rather heavily on the couch before I join him.

"Why did you come here, Yuki?" I ask quietly.

"I just…I…don't…know." he finally says.

"Do you miss me at all?"

He seems taken back by this question. "Yes, I do."

The lack of hesitation in his answer eases my mind a little. Of course, I can't help but wonder why it eases my mind. Maybe I've gone insane from everything that's happened.

"Did you want to ask me something? Or tell me something?"

"I…"

Whatever it is, it's something hard for him to get out. I swear if he suddenly starts saying he loves me I'm going to go off the deep end. Because then I'll know I'm dreaming and for the love of God this isn't fair!

"I want…to find myself." He says quietly. "But I need your help."

I sigh. "I've been trying to help you for years Yuki. You didn't want it then, why should I give it now?"

The look on his face suggests he was not expecting that. I do still want to help him, I really do. But after three years of effort I don't think I can take anymore. He stares at me for a few minutes before he finally answers.

"Because I'm going to try this time."

Interesting. Of course, it would have helped if he had tried in the last three years. But then, we wouldn't be where we are now if he had. Then again, a lot of things wouldn't have happened if Yuki had put a little effort into things in the last three years. I feel like I've been dragging him along kicking and screaming all this time, only to let go and have him turn around and ask why I stopped. It's a bit frustrating.

"Why?" I ask.

"I want to find myself. For me, for you, for us; for the us I know we could have been if I had tried before now. I just want to be alone and at the same time, I don't want to lose you."

I take a breath. I had to; he just described exactly how I'd been feeling the last few months. The need to be alone but wanting to stay with him; we're obviously not as different as everyone thought we were.

"Can I…can I think about it Yuki?"

I can see a flash of disappointment cross his face. I would love to give him an answer right now but being sick and with everything happening so damn fast, I just needed time to think for a few days. Finally he nods and I stand up. Yuki follows suit and a few seconds later we're by the front door. He gets his shoes on then turns before stepping outside.

"Shuichi?"

I look up, an automatic response whenever he actually uses my name. I swallow as he steps a bit closer than necessary, considering we're not together right now.

"For what it's worth…"

He leans in suddenly, capturing my lips with his own. My whole body freezes, every nerve on end as the long-missed contact occurs. My eyes widen then close and I feel his hands cup my face softly and instinct kicks in before I can stop it. The kiss deepens, neither of us wanting to part but both knowing going any further would be a huge mistake right now. Yuki finally pulls back, leaving us both slightly out of breath and he leans to the right to whisper in my ear.

"…I'm so very sorry."

He pulls back, kissing my forehead lightly before pulling away completely, turning and leaving without looking back. I didn't know what my face looked like at that moment, but I knew if he turned to see it, he'd never be able to leave.

Why do I get the feeling that loving him is closer to the truth than not?