Just Another Love Song
Beat 8: Aspirin

I think it's Monday.

I'm not too sure, the past few days have gone by pretty quick. Not that's it's really important what day it is since Tohma gave Bad Luck the week off and all.

But it's usually a good idea to keep track of these things. You know, to make sure you haven't completely lost your mind.

Which, I think I have. I've had two emotional breakdowns, started smoking, gotten sick, made a truce with Tohma, and been kissed by my usually frigid ex-lover. Damn, that is one hell of a week.

I'm waiting now to get hit by a bus. It'd complete things.

I managed to cook eggs for breakfast though, but I had to scramble them since I was in the mood to whip up on something and I do want my security deposit back when I move out. Well, if I ever move out. I was so sure when I left Yuki's apartment that night that I knew what I was doing, what I was feeling. I was so sure at one point that I didn't love him anymore. Now I keep flipping back and forth, positive in each breath that I love him and in the next that I hate him. Maybe it's both. Can you do that? I guess you can.

The question of 'what is love exactly' flipped into my brain at one point, but I'm not much for philosophy so I let that one go. I'd spend eternity going over it in my mind and never be able to come up with an answer. Hell, civilization has been trying for eons and no one has been able to come up with something I consider a plausible definition.

Wooo, big words Shuichi. Slow down you might hurt yourself.

I sigh audibly as I flip through the channels. I'm not really watching TV or anything, just channel surfing. I really, really wish I were an idiot again. That the last three years had never happened and I was still madly and blindly in love, not caring about Yuki's harsh words and cold looks so long as I got to be with him.

But, then again, if I were still that way nothing would change. It's still hard to believe Yuki was here last night, that he said those things. I've been wondering all morning if he really meant them or if he was just trying to get me to come back home. He's done it before, after all. He read a bunch of mushy bullshit off cue cards trying to get me back one time so it's not like this could be any different. He could have been reading from a pre-memorized script for all I know.

Hmm…no. He couldn't have known my responses and Yuki's never been that good an improvising.

All right, I'll go out on a limb and say he meant it. What now? If I give him a chance, it'll just be one more chance he'll get to hurt me. Or maybe help himself and give me a reason to really love him again. Or just get me back in bed.

Arrrrggghhhhhhhhhhh!

Damn it! Is this love? Complete and utter misery and confusion? Flipping back and forth and never knowing what to do? What to say? What to even fucking think? I think I have a headache now. Do I even have aspirin?

It takes two hours and tearing the kitchen and bathroom apart, but at least I've answered one of my questions.

I have aspirin. Or better still, I have an aspirin bottle. Apparently, I've taken it all.

So I decide to do what Yuki would do in a situation like this.

I light one up. Hell, why not? It might not help my headache, or make the cold I managed to catch go away, but…

Hmm. Why am I smoking then? Let's just put this out. No sense going on a pity party and having an emotional breakdown now. Two was enough thank you.

Okay, I seriously have to think this one out. Yuki wants my help this time, shouldn't I want to help him? I've spend years trying to crack those icy walls around his heart and here's my chance at last, so shouldn't I want to give it a try? I guess in a way I do, but I also don't want to end up just getting hurt again. I don't want to go back and have to keep my apartment just in case he starts kicking me out again. I don't want to be called an idiot and a moron anymore. I don't want to have to plead and beg for him to pay just a few minutes of attention to me or to take me out somewhere. Hell, after awhile I didn't even care if we went out, just so long as he got off his laptop and actually spent some time with me.

Pretty sad. Yuki never really changed, I did. The way he acts now is no different than how he acted when we first got together. Well, not really different. I guess. He has changed a little I suppose.

Well, there was that one time…

I stood in front of the apartment door, trying to catch my breath. It was pouring cats and dogs out and I just ran all the way home in it. My entire body is completely soaked and my clothes are sticking to me. Blah, gross. I would go inside but I'm just going to drip water all over the floors and that'll piss Yuki off and then he might kick me out and…

"What are you doing?"

I look up to see Yuki standing in the doorway. I guess I took a while trying to figure out if I wanted to stay out long enough to dry off or go inside and risk Yuki's wrath for dripping all over the place. Why'd he open the door anyway? Was he going somewhere?

"Idiot. You're off early. I was going to pick you up."

I think my eyes just rolled out of my head. "You…you were?"

Is that amusement in Yuki's eyes? Does he think giving me a coronary by being nice is FUNNY?

"Idiot, of course I was. It's pouring out. Now get your skinny butt inside and into the shower before you catch a cold."

He turns and starts walking off. I think I'm in shock, call an ambulance! A few minutes of my mouth hanging open later I feel a very thick, very warm, and very soft towel being draped around me. It feels like it's just out of the dryer…

"Y-yuki?"

"Who else?" he snorts. "I told you to get inside before you catch cold."

He starts pushing me inside, letting me pause long enough to wiggle out of my wet sneakers.

"B-but your floors Yuki!"

"It's only water. Get in the shower, Shuichi."

I manage to pull the towel off my head and watch as he walks down the hall and back to his study. I can only stare and wonder where the real Yuki went.

Yeah…that was a pretty nice day after all. By the time I managed to get into the shower and start to get warm I had company. Not a shower that I think I'll ever be able to forget. I can feel myself smiling as I wander around the kitchen, searching for something quick and edible to fix for lunch.

Of course, reminiscing about the few moments that Yuki was actually kind or nice to me isn't really solving anything right now. Actually wait, it isn't? Doesn't this kind of prove that Yuki has changed a little bit already? He may not have been trying to move away from his past, but a different kind of Yuki has shown through before. Probably quite a few times if I really stopped and added them all up. So maybe this could work. Maybe if he does put some effort into things, it'll get better after all.

And maybe I'm just trying to go back to the over-optimistic idiot I was before.

I sigh and decide on pre-packaged noodles today. I don't think I've really gotten anywhere, I just keeping going in circles.

Someone stop the world, I want to get off!