Just Another Love Song
Beat 10: Silent Questions

Being pampered fucking rules.

Okay, so Yuki's version of pampering is forcing me to stay in bed all day and bringing various boxes of take-out in every few hours and forcing me to eat. But still…

No more ready-to-eat noodles.

That's enough for me.

But it's rather annoying how happy he seems to be about my losing my voice. It doesn't bother me too much that I can't talk.

That just means Yuki has to answer the phone.

And talk to Tohma. HA!

I've got to hand it to him, he's better than I am about convincing Tohma and Mika not to come over and check on me. I swear I thought I was going to have to fake being well in order to get those two to back off. All Yuki has to do is growl a certain way and suddenly they're positive everything's fine.

Manipulative bastard.

I swear it's like a game with those two. And now that I actually have time to watch, it's kind of funny. Tohma comes over. Tohma insist Yuki's not taking proper care of himself. Yuki tells Tohma to back off. Much talking ensues. Yuki's stomach growls - Tohma asks when the last time he ate was. Yuki doesn't know. Tohma merrily skips off to the kitchen to cook.

Tohma wins.

Apparently, that happened once. At least, that's what I got from listening in to their last phone conversation.

Heh.

Today's round went to Yuki. I guess that 'I'm incredibly annoyed and if you want to be able to reach me for the next few days you'll back off' growl is like his emergency back up where his brother-in-law is concerned.

I need to learn that one.

Mika, I've learned over the years, is a totally different story. With her you either have to give in, get out, or piss her off.

This went a long way in explaining why, years ago, Yuki put his arm around me and pretended I was his new love interest in order to get rid of her.

Looking back now, I can't say that I blame him for doing it anymore. Mika means well and she's only wanting to do what's best for you but…well…

It's kind of like when your cat brings home the dead carcass of it's latest kill and sets it at your feet and you step on it by accident.

Sure, she meant well and all, but it's still so not what you needed at the time.

But like hell am I EVER going to voice that analogy aloud.

I like breathing.

I couldn't help but ask Yuki, before I lost my voice that is, if he didn't have a deadline coming up. Turns out he just finished his latest book and had decided to take a break for a few weeks.

Which translates roughly into 'my editor thinks my PMS is too much to handle and gave me a forced vacation before she tore all her hair out.'

It explains Yuki's more relaxed attitude. Between books was always my favorite time to be with him. With all the pressure off and the new ideas flowing through his head, Yuki was always much kinder towards...well everyone actually. Thinking about it now I wonder if he really chose the best career to bury himself into since it just enhances his already poor attitude.

I think I'll keep that one to myself too.

Like I said, I like to breathe.

It's Thursday afternoon and I've been sitting here in bed all day just letting thoughts run through my head. Every once in awhile Yuki will pop in and ask if I need anything or bring me something to eat. Other than that he's pretty much stayed in the living room. I know he's not avoiding me for any other reason that he knows we both have a lot to think about right now, but it would still be nice to have someone to talk to right now.

Or rather, to listen to since I can't exactly do much talking right now.

"Hey."

AH! Damn it! Thank God the ceiling was there to stop me or I'd have been on the roof by now. I can see Yuki trying, vainly, to hide the smirk on his face before I saw it.

I give him the finger and stick my tongue out at him.

He smirks more. Bastard.

"Open your mouth."

I saw this in porno once. No way.

"Get that perverted look off your face idiot. Open your mouth." He holds up a thermometer and waves it around while he talks. "Or would you rather have your temperature taken somewhere else?"

Ah…No. I open up.

I sit there, tapping my fingers on my leg as we both wait for the thermometer to be done. As soon as the beep goes off it's pulled from my mouth by Yuki, who glances at it with a kind of satisfied look.

"It's under a hundred."

Wow, a veritable fountain of information. If only I could say that out loud. I'm sure by now that Yuki knows just how incredibly bored I am in here.

"I'm sure you're bored out of your mind in here." He says.

I wonder where my eyeballs went when they popped out of my head.

I can hear Yuki chuckling. "You're so easy to read. Come on, it won't kill you to at least get out of bed now."

I'm sitting in the living room flipping through channels before he can blink.

No doubt he'll one day ask me how I do that.

Not that I'll tell of course.

We sit in a comfortable silence for a while, the routine of my absently channel surfing too familiar to let any tension set in; which I'm going to fuck up now. I have questions that need answering if I'm going to keep thinking about us without running my already fried brain in circles. I stop on a random channel and set the remote down, noticing how Yuki shakes his head slightly when I do so. He usually goes into la-la land when I start channel surfing. It's one of the few 'couples' things we ever did together. Grabbing a notebook and pen off the coffee table, I decide it's high time to start my interrogation.

Do you hate me?

I couldn't help it. I had to ask. Handing him the notebook, I watch his eyes widen before he turns to look at me. Okay, so I do feel a little guilty about suddenly springing a game of twenty questions on him, but it passes pretty quickly. We won't get anywhere if one of us doesn't push things along.

It's me as usual.

"Why the hell would you ask me something like that?"

At least he doesn't seem angry, just confused. I shake my head and tap the paper. He's going to answer whether he likes it or not.

He sighs lightly. "No, Shuichi. I don't hate you."

And so begins my 'pass the notebook' interrogation.

Well, then, do you love me?

"I…I don't know."

Can't call him on that one when I feel the same way right now. I'll let it slide.

But you do want to be with me, right?

"Yes."

How?

"What do you mean by that?"

Just what I wrote. How do you want to be with me? Boyfriend, fuck buddy, what?

All right, so maybe I'm still a little pissy about all the times he told me sex was all I was good for. Granted we were usually arguing at the time, but still…some things just stick in your mind. Hmm. He looks uncomfortable. Good.

It takes a few minutes before I realize he's not going to answer that one, so I take the notebook back.

Why does having a relationship with me scare you Yuki?

He stares at me for a long time, which is, by the way, really un-nerving.

"It…it doesn't."

Liar. What is it? Are you afraid I'm going to hurt you? Or…

I stop writing and stare at the paper for a few minutes. Over the past three years Yuki and I have had several conversations regarding his past, pretty much all of them forced on by me. But at least now I know the whole story about what happened with Kitazawa. Thinking back on it and us…I can see the connection. It tentative to me, but then, I'm not Yuki; I didn't go through what he did so I don't know exactly how his feelings about what happened might affect the two of us.

But…

I finish writing and hand the paper over slowly. I might just be over thinking things here, but it can't hurt to see, right?

A few seconds later the notebook falls to the floor and I can hear the front door shutting behind him. At least - at least part of the problem has finally come to light. I'm not sure what to do now. Hell, I don't even know what to think.

All I know is one thing is for sure: Yuki does care about me.

I lean over the couch, holding my stomach and trying to suppress the sob that is clawing its way up my throat. I'm relieved, scared, worried, angry, hurt; I can't even begin to feel one thing with out another jumping up. My vision starts to blur slightly as I look down, causing a few more traitorous tears to fall upon the words written.

The twelve words written that just might have put a crack in Yuki's wall of ice.

…or are you afraid you'll hurt me, just like he did you?

Or made him leave me for good.