Just Another Love Song
Beat 12: Measure

It feels good to sit down for a while. It's actually kind of mandatory here but who am I to complain? At least it's relatively quiet and with a fresh change of clothes and a good hat, no one's recognized me yet.

I keep waiting for that to change.

Until then, I can sit back and relax and allow myself to think a little bit.

I knew how dangerous and possibly stupid it was to head out of town without giving at least one person some kind of notice, so I managed to call Hiro. He wasn't happy about it, trying to convince me to just come over and talk; until I informed him I had already left Tokyo behind.

That really pissed him off.

It was really, really unfortunate that he decided yelling at me for being so stupid would be a good idea and I decided hanging up would be too. Since I turned my phone off to avoid hearing anymore for a time, I'm sure he's pacing around his place right now, trying to figure out where I've headed off too that requires going out of town at all.

Not that there's a whole lot of choices of course, the only people I know outside of Tokyo are Tatsuha and my sister Maiko; both of whom live in Kyoto.

Let him figure it out.

I can do what I need to and be back before Monday's recording session without a hitch. If he had given me a chance, I would have gladly explained my plan to Hiro, though I doubt he would have truly understood it. As a matter of fact, I doubt anyone would really understand why I have to do this.

For the first few minutes after Tokyo disappeared I started to wonder. But thinking back to the last three years, it's something that I've never personally addressed. Given the crossroads my relationship with Yuki is in right now, I think it's about time to.

I must remember to send mom a bouquet of flowers when I get back. Even now I can't help but think that if I ever do have children, I will never, never pull that word association on them. When I called her right after the cab picked me up from the house, I told her that.

She laughed and said she said the same thing to her mom.

And her mom answered the same way.

God traditions are weird.

I do have to remember to be quick with my visit; when Hiro can't reach me and I don't call back, he's going to call someone. Mostly likely Tohma. And once Tohma calls around and finds out where I've gone, I don't doubt either he or Yuki will be trailing after.

It's sad really; I've got a lot I want to get out and I'm working on a time frame. But I guess it can't be helped now. I just hope they don't think I'm going to do something weird like dress up like a woman again. Though I don't think I'll ever be able to forget the look on Yuki's father's face when he saw me that day. Once I got back to Tokyo I laughed my ass off for hours just thinking about it. Thank God I kept a straight face at the time or the man would still hate me.

I glance at my watch and sigh. Should be any minute now. Good thing, I think my ass is asleep from sitting for so long. I still feel like crap, all this running around and emotional bullshit is starting to wear me down a bit. But I'm not about to stop. Nope, a Shindou never gives up and..

…Damn that sounds cheesy.

I must be more tired than I thought.

A slight jostle brings me out of my thoughts and I realize that we're here. The trip took long enough; it's Saturday now. It takes a few minutes before the plane comes to a complete stop and the first class passengers, of which I am more than grateful to be apart of, are allowed to leave. I didn't grab an overnight bag or anything, opting to take no luggage so as to give me a better chance of getting out, getting done, and getting home fast. Hopefully I won't stink too badly by the time I catch the flight back to Tokyo.

I nod and smile at the stewardess as I pass by, her customary greeting echoing in my mind as I step off the plane.

"Welcome to New York City."

Thank God I learned English.

It's a little cold in New York really.

Not that I mind it too much right now. Yuki left his coat behind when he walked out and I picked it up by accident when I left. It swims a little on me, but hey, what do I care? It's warm and smells like cigarettes and Yuki.

It's always been my favorite blended scent.

Squatting down, I reach a tentative hand out to trace the inscription written on the stone slab before me.

Kitazawa.

The cause of all of Yuki's pain and suffering; who made him the cold-hearted bastard he is.

Or was, depending on whose eyes you're looking through.

I did a lot of thinking on the way over here and came to one simple conclusion: change is slow. Comparing Yuki to the way he is now versus the way he use to be, the changes he's made on his own are quite amazing, considering. He cut back on smoking and drinking a lot; and I know my feelings on that helped to prod him to do so. He doesn't so much insult my lyrics when I show them to him as to offer constructive criticism. It isn't always pretty and I can see how I'd think he was just being mean; but in hindsight, I can really tell the difference now.

I still sleep on the couch, unless we have sex. I never thought that maybe it was something Yuki was just use to; a kind of by-product of all those years of one-night stands followed by nights sleeping alone. Not wanting to suffer his anger for asking a stupid question, it was one issue I never pressed.

If I had, I'd probably sleep in bed with him every night.

He doesn't always wait for me to get home to eat dinner, but if he fixes something or orders out, he always leaves me some or orders for me too and sets it out. It was a habit he picked up on and I guess I became so use to it, that I never really noticed until now. On the really nasty winter days or when it's raining really hard, he'll take me to work and pick me up. And if he has a really pressing deadline coming up, he'll order a taxi for me and pay for it.

It's closer to spring now and it's been a long time since he's had to do it, I suppose I just…didn't think about it.

A lot of things I've noticed have come about because someone didn't think about it.

Everything that's happened, that hasn't happened; it's all points of view. From my point of view, it seemed that things hadn't changed at all; when in reality the changes were so subtle that I didn't notice them until I stopped and actually thought things over. Sure, I'm not happy with the way things are even now, but maybe I'm asking for too much too soon. Miscommunication is a wondrous thing: If I had expressed my thoughts and concerns to Yuki, things might not have escalated to this point. Or I might have gotten kicked out just for asking.

A lot of things could have happened if I had just tried harder. But then, a lot more could have happened if Yuki had tried more too. And now, he's willing to do that. Or so he said that day. I really need to talk to him.

But I have something else I need to do first.

"So…"

I'm not quite sure why I'm talking aloud, there's no one here to hear me. But it seems appropriate given my audience is a dead man.

Almost a dead man if you think about it.

"You're not very impressive. Some how, I expected something else, you know? I guess you don't, huh?"

All right, now I'm babbling to a grave. Fun.

"I wish I had some profound reason for being here. Like forgiving you for what you did to Yuki or saying I don't hate you for it. But I do. I do hate you for it. You destroyed him. You made him into everything he is today; everything I hate about him, everything I lo-"

It's amazing the things you realize when you just start talking. I guess mom was right. Some of the truest feelings come when you don't think at all and just react.

"I guess though..." I continue, finding my voice once again. "…That I do owe you something after all."

I stand up, looking down at the grave and somehow feeling oddly numb. It was almost like I didn't really care either which way about the man buried beneath that chunk of Earth anymore.

Rather liberating really.

"You made Yuki and I meeting possible, though I wish the methods had been different. For that, and only for that…I thank you."

I pull the message I intended to leave from my pocket and secure it in front of the grave marker with a rock. It doesn't matter if someone walks off with it or not. I just had to do this.

For both of us.

I walk away, never giving the in scripted slab of marble another thought as I head towards my next destination. My time here is, unfortunately, short. But the thoughts I wanted to continue to voice aloud are rolling through my mind the entire time.

You threw away something wonderful that day Yuki Kitazawa. Without even realizing it you tossed away a wonderful person. Maybe, like me, you just didn't see it at the time. Maybe now you regret your actions looking down, or up at us today. But it doesn't matter any more. You tried to destroy him, but he lives on; and I'll do everything in my power to prove you wrong.

I hail a cab, never sparing another glance to the note I left behind…

'Keep it and watch as I show you the true measure of worth.'

Nor the ten-dollar bill it was attached to.