Just Another Love Song
Beat 13: Everything
It feels so weird being back here again.
This city.
This building.
This room.
Back to the room where so many years ago I found Yuki.
I don't really remember how I found him, or why I dressed it that damn dog costume; but I do remember being so scared that I wouldn't get here on time. I wasn't really sure what Yuki was going to do, but something in me just said it wasn't something I'd like very much.
After seeing the gun in his hand, I realized just how accurate that feeling had been.
Speaking of which…
Bending down and pushing a piece of plywood out of the way reveals the very gun I was just thinking about. How strange. Almost three years and it's still here? I pick it up and look at it. Cold and metallic; it looks almost harmless if you didn't know what you were holding.
I let my fingers run across it, warming it up slightly. I wonder how Yuki felt holding this weapon back then. How easy it'd be to just pull the trigger and let your whole world go.
Or someone else's.
This room. This is where it happened. This is were that bastard…
I feel a shudder run up my body and decide not to continue that thought. I'm not sure why I decided to visit here really. The idea was there, as was visiting Kitazawa's grave. But I thought that going there and seeing his head stone would be enough for me. But it hadn't been. Actually, right now I wish I had my cigarettes and lighter on me. Then I could just burn this God-forsaken building to the ground and be done with it.
Damn it, why is this affecting me so much? I can understand why Yuki's hung up on it, but why me too? I know I love him; I've come to realize that that's the truth now. But it doesn't explain why I have this…I don't even know how to describe it. It's like I absolutely had to come here and do this or I couldn't do anything else.
You can live past it; I know you can! I did and I…
I…
No. God damn it no! I will not go back to that. I will not let that come back again and...
God I can practically see his smug looking face. That stupid jealous bastard I just want to…
I start as the gun in my hands goes off, the recoil snapping my wrist back and causing me to stumble to the floor. I drop the gun and grab my wrist, staring at the black spot in the wall where the bullet punched through.
Dear God. If he'd been there. If he'd been standing right in front of me I would have…
I can feel the panic rising in my mind and as much I want to pull away from it, it's surrounding me like a fog. I scramble backwards and away from the gun, stopping only when my back hits the wall on the opposite side of the room. I don't know what to think, what to feel anymore. Why the hell did I come here? Still clutching my wrist I pull my knees up to my chest and hold back the sobs traveling up my throat. Too much has happened, I've been thinking too much. I need to stop. I need to just stop everything. I feel so…desperate. So…
I'm not even confused really. Everything I've been thinking about is solved in my mind. I know I love Yuki. I want to be with him. I need an anchor. I need something else to think about. If I keep going like this I don't know what I might end up doing and….
"Shuichi! Shuichi come on!"
I blink a few times before the room comes back into focus again.
"…Yuki?"
He pulls back and lets go of my shoulders, a look of relief coming over his face.
"You scared the shit out of me, Shuichi! I heard that gun shot and thought…" Yuki wraps his arms around me and pulls me into a hug.
"I thought I was too late." He whispers.
Well now we have something else in common. How the hell did he get here? When did he get here?
"Yuki?"
"Damn it, don't you ever pull something like this again, do you hear me!" he says, pulling back again.
"Yuki…"
"Nobody had any idea why in the hell you were coming over here and what you were going to do. Hiro is beyond pissed at you right now and I probably should be!"
"Yuki…"
"You're lucky I even thought you MIGHT come here. What in the hell were you thinking about doing to yourself?"
"YUKI!"
"What?"
Finally. Give a guy a chance.
"I love you."
He looks a bit startled. Not that I haven't made declarations of love at weird times before, but it's been two weeks since I last said those words to him. I'm sure he was wondering.
"Do you mean that?" he asks quietly. "I didn't think…"
This time, I silence him with a kiss. Damn it feels good to kiss him again. I pull back before either one of us can get carried away; much as I want to…
"I didn't come here to do anything stupid, Yuki. I just had something I needed to do. I'm not sure why I came here though. I kind of just ended up here."
Yuki glances over his shoulder at the gun. I know what he's thinking.
"I found it." I tell him and he turns back to face me. "I wasn't going to use it on myself, moron. It just went off."
I watch the tension leak from his body. Did he really think I was suicidal? I admit I haven't exactly been Mr. Happy the past few weeks but really…
"Are you alright?" he asks, his eyes scanning me for any wounds.
"It caught me off-guard. Recoil's a bitch." I start rubbing my wrist again. It's probably just twisted a bit, but damn it hurts.
He nods and sits down on the floor in front of me and lights a cigarette. Actually, now that I'm looking at him he looks like shit.
"Have you been eating?"
"Not really."
"Sleeping?"
"Kind of."
"Yuki…"
"What?"
I sigh. Bastard. Gone for two weeks and he drops back into old habits.
"What am I going to do with you." I say, shaking my head in amusement.
"Take me to the nearest hotel and screw me silly?"
I punch his shoulder with my good hand. "Pervert."
He gives me a cocky little grin and starts looking around the room with a bored expression on his face. If I had known that coming here would bring him here I would have just gone to the airport instead. I didn't want to bring back old memories for him by coming here for me.
"Funny." He says quietly.
"What?"
"The last time I was here, everything came back to me. It was almost like living it again. This time…"
"This time?"
He looks at me and shrugs. "It's just a building."
I can't help but smile. It's just a building.
"Yuki?"
"Hn?"
"I need to know-"
He cuts me off with a finger to my lips and nods. His expression is intense enough to give me chills.
"I know, Shuichi. You need to know a lot of things from me. How I see you, how I feel about you, right?"
I nod. He leans back and takes another drag from his cigarette before smashing it out on the floor.
"I think I'm ready to tell you the truth."
His face is so blank I feel my whole body tense up just looking at it.
I hope to God he's not going to say what I think he is.
Please.