Fan Mail Anonymous
Disclaimer: Don't own anything except for a penguin named Opus.
Author Note: WOW! You guys rock! 61 reviews on my first chapter! You made my day. Sorry about spelling Whomping and Radcliffe wrong. I was stranded without Internet. Also my updates will be random. I have a tough year at school this year. Just so everyone knows I do like Harry Potter. It's just fun to make fun of. Sorry for taking forever! Without further to do my reviews!
Jakeepsteinlover: You like my name so you get mentioned first! Thanks for reading.
Ali- I will try to incorporate your idea into a later chapter! Inflatable carrots are all the rage.
Kitty: Great letter! Loved it. Maybe I'll use it if I go back to Snape. Who knows?
Woe to me: I also really really hope Terry is a girl :'). Thanks! Here is the update.
Aria327: Mary you are too sexy for your goggles!
I-Love-To-Learn: I love to learn too Allison!
Weirgate: Well hey. My brain is terribly unbalanced. I did warn you at the beginning. If you don't like it don't read. It will be basically the same. My personality is to be way out there. I think you sorta liked it. Just a little. Besides more than 98 liked it.
And everyone else: Zimo, Kelzilla, mysterychatter9, Sasha Adrien, sara, Isis3110, persephone, littlemisschaos, Jayki, Aslee v, PassTheButterBeer43521, Hawaiin-Rachael, nixie pixie, Kacie, NeVeRmInD2, Librarian of the Deep, Becky, Pokkie Squishie, Luny Lady, Z-ro, Little Tigger, p0ptartt( way to fight the numbers!), Dogstar16, Hrary Ptoetr Ferak, Shanna ( thanks for the idea because it's used below), Not A Homicidal Maniac (love the name, I'm more Not a Serial Killer), cherrybubbles12, Shadowvixen90, rebel with a crappy attit, Specialness1220, angelchic4ver (disturbing brothers since 1991) , Severoina Black, WiDz, MindGame, j752572, SiriusViolinGirl, Phoenixe-Flame, Kimi, Lady Yuna Star, seven4657, anonymous (why am I writing that? Well it's the one anonymous.), so-Unpredictable, sparklythings, Melissa (HI!), iWILLmarrydanielradcliffe, Rachel, Adelaide E, SuspiciousHick ( Spiffy name), oasis, starswinger, jekl, wrc g-rp, simply obsessed, and ann. THANK YOU SO MUCH! Cheered me up a ton. Here is the update! Finally most of you would say
Just for clarification: I am writing each chapter from a different characters point of view. Just so you know. I might go back to Snape because he's fun to write.
HotPINKflamingo
Author's PS: If you don't like the humor in the first don't waste your time with this second chapter!
Voldemort Says
Dear Voldemort,
All of the sudden an odd creature has started to live in my house. My parents seem to call it "Spike" and they say it is a dawge? It stands on 4 legs and is covered in short, brown hair. It is the biggest mutated squirrel I have ever seen in my life! It eats from a bowl, which contains little dry pieces of food. It likes to make loud noises at the mailman. It also picks up things with its mouth! Once it bit me and left an impression on my skin! I beseech you and your vast knowledge to answer my question!
Sincerely,
Left With a Mutated Squirrel
Dear Mutated Squirrel Person,
You are a prime example of why I want to destroy all Muggles and Mudbloods. A DOG! You know a canine. Descendent of the wolf? Chases balls and drools all over? YES A DOG! I am the DARK LORD VOLDEMORT and I am forced to deal with this naïve fools? Why am I doing this? Ah, part of my contract. Haven't you ever seen a dog before? They like to frolic around looking cute, fuzzy, and are warm blooded. How can you have never seen a dog before? That's why I prefer snakes. They can slither along and not shed like crazy all over. They eat whatever than can find. They only hiss at mail people. Perhaps I shall send Nagini over and let her bite you. It won't kill you or anything… right. No mutated squirrels, yet!
Manically Yours,
Voldemort
Dear Voldemort,
I'm a distinguished member of EDU (Evil Doers United) and frankly I am ashamed of your actions regarding the evilness of your actions. First of all you failed to be mentioned in the 3rd book. If you are so evil why are you left entirely out of a book? Do you ever see the wonderful, glorious Count Olaf missing from A Series of Unfortunate Events? Why no because without that staple character it falls apart. Next I would like to address your choice of attire. I know you have been in a ghostly vapor for the past 15 years but obviously black mysterious cloaks went out of fashion long ago. A fellow member, who is a leader of fashion and girlfriend to a wonderful and stupendous man named Count Olaf, says I must address this issue with you before we invite you to join this prestigious club. Another complaint is your symbol. A skull is so over done. Now if you were able to address and fix these problems we might consider you joining this prestigious club.
Sincerely,
O
Dear O,
I am quite shocked that you would dare mock THE GREATEST DARK LORD EVER. I mean, I have a wand and a spell that can kill you. What's more evil and scary than that? Now to address your first complaint about my no show in the 3rd book, I have a very good excuse. That year was a very hectic one indeed. First, do you know how hard it is to find a good body to carry my spirit around? Not so easy. First I tried deer. They had a tendency to get hit my fast moving balls of steel. Crazy Muggles. World would be a lot better off without them but I digress. Next I tried aardvarks. They were in short supply in Europe for some odd reason. Once I finally was able to get to civilization, I had much work to do constructing an evil plan in the comfort of my evil lair. Overall it was just a stressful year.
To address your next issue regarding the dark mysterious cloaks. Dark, mysterious cloaks will never go out of fashion. They're like a good pair of jeans. Besides, a nice pair of corduroy pants and a sports jacket just doesn't give the same illusion as ominous black cloaks. The cloaks are just cool.
Now to comment on your last "problem", the Dark Mark, witches and wizards everywhere run from the site of it and you mock it? It is a human skull with a snake! How much scarier can you get? Oh maybe you do have a point. Perhaps I can rework it so it's Michael Jackson's face with a snake coming out of his mouth. Just a thought. Now that I have commented on all your suggestions, I would never join your snooty club anyway. I am the DARK LORD VOLDEMORT! I bow to mere mortal. Not even the queen! Your letter has been burned and I have severely reprimanded the ashes.
Good day,
Lord Voldemort
Dear Lord FancyPants,
So you are the most feared wizard on the world but are you the smartest? Lets find out shall we? These questions have been nagging me for quite a while. First question, why do they call "animal crackers" crackers? They are obviously cookies! My next question is why do important people get to be called assassinated when regular old people are just called murdered? It's unjust! Third question is why did Yankee Doodle have the feather in his hat called macaroni? Macaroni is quite good. My last question is how many licks does it really take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop? Thanks for some answers!
Signed,
Shannon, MI.
Dear Shannon MI,
MI is such a strange last name. Are both letters supposed to be capitalized? Oh well, to your questions. Why are animal crackers called crackers when they are cookies? What Muggle's idea was it to take poor, innocent animals and turn them into cookies for consumption? He is an absolute genius. I know exactly why he called them crackers. He was trying to get all the people on diets fat by making them THINK they are eating crackers but in reality are eating cookies! What an ingenious plan. Why didn't I think of something so maniacal?
Your second question concerns why do important people get to use the word assassination. Well they use it because it sounds longer and more important sounding then murdered. Assassinated has such a ring to it like DARK LORD VOLDEMRORT rather than Tom Riddle. The government always has to be better than you. Haven't you learned that yet?
Now to answer your third question regarding Yankee Doodle's feather named macaroni. Well ummmmm, the songwriter was hungry. He really wanted some burgers but instead he ended up having macaroni. He thought about how spiffy of a word it is and decided to randomly insert it into the song. The rest is history. You crazy Yanks, I swear. You name feathers macaroni. Yes.
Last question. How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop? Haven't you seen those commercials with the owl? He says 3. He has glasses on so he is obviously right. Now they even have a Tootsie Pop lick counter! You could go out and buy one of those. You could also do it the old fashioned way by just counting the number of licks. I'm on 1,543 I mean I would never stoop to eating a Muggle's candy. How ridiculous! Stop bothering me with your petty questions!
Lord Voldemort
Author Returns: Ok. So Count Olaf came in. Hope you have read or seen A Series of Unfortunate Events. No offense to Michael Jackson. His music is awesome just not him. Besides I couldn't resist. Yes everybody feel free to write a letter! It will greatly help and you will get lots of credit and such! Review and please be nice! I'll try to update again once I have a chance. Sorry it's a bit short. I was thinking either Draco or Ron next time. Also sorry for the lack of One Tree Hill bashing. Next time be ready for the O.C. :giggles manically:
Lovingly, The Hotpinkflamingo