I got this letter and decided to answer it since it's funny and I've been mean about not updating hehe. Here we go. I'm not procrastinating or anything….
Dear Voldie,
I hope you don't mind me calling you that because I think it's a cute nickname. Anyway, what kind of shoes does an evil villain wear? I mean it's not exactly like you can just go into a shoe store to buy shoes. And what shoes look evil? Anyway, that wasn't my main question. I am an avid reader of the series, and I'm sorry to say, but your chances of survival don't look too good. Not that I love Harry himself or anything. If you ask me, he's a bit of an annoying brat, but he's probably going to kill you. Sorry to dampen your mood. But if you did manage to kill him without dying yourself, what would your plans be? I mean, what would you do when your worst enemy is dead? What would your goal in life be after that?
Yours sincerely,
Book-Fanatic-Who-Has-Read-The-Series-That-You-Are-In-About-Fifty-Six-Times.
Dear Shoe Fetish Fan,
I am the Dark Lord Voldemort and you can ask about anything and you ask about shoes? Muggles, I swear. Yes to answer your question about shoes. Well there is this lovely place… I mean manically evil place, down is Knockturn Alley. It's called PAYLESS! Yes all ye who fear cheap footwear! Well in this delightfully evil place we get fashionable knock off brand shoes at A DISCCOUNT! How evil? Ripping off the big labels! Never has a more wicked idea ever come around. I quite like those New Balance-looking-but-are-actually-not shoes. One must not be uncomfortable while torturing the masses! Of course we shall not let anyone see our marvelous discovery of the discount shoe store so we wear those extremely long robes. This allows only us onto the secret that is Payless.
Now onto your supposed "more important" question. Me being killed by such an angsty teenager as Harry Potter! Preposterous! So what if good is supposed to always defeat evil. From my point of view it seems as if I am the good guy so therefore the good guy cannot die. Quiver in front of my infallible logic! The odds are against me I must admit. I did check last time I was in Las Vegas. This is just to discourage anybody from betting on me so when I do win they make a lot of money . Maybe I should get into the casino business but once again I digress. ONCE I do indeed beat the angst-ridden teenager after waiting so long for the books to come out, I have many other things to do. Read my well thought out list!
Lord and Master of The World Lord Voldemort's List of Things To Do Once the World Is His
1.Destroy all the Muggles
2.Destroy the Muggles some more
3.Start my own stock company Everything Voldemort Inc Limbo or EVIL as the stock symbol. So what if it doesn't make sense and stock symbols are only 3 letters long? I rule the world after all. I just like my evil use of letters again.
4.Open own chain of fast food that will make everybody fat!
5.Buy a trampoline. All evil overlords need a trampoline.
6.Immortality of course.
7.My own 2 lane bowling alley in my home
8.Mangle the decomposing Muggles some more
9.Own the Internet!
10.Learn to play the tambourine.
The list continues on and on but I must save some surprises. As soon as the 7th book comes out and you see how it all turns out, be sure to invest in our stock! Look me giving advice. Yes you should be happy.
The Dark Lord Voldemort
Author: Yes I know. Just a quickie. I couldn't resist. I do not own Harry potter nor Payless.